Suicidal

To Jrblovsky:

When ATA's Tinnitus Today magazine had an article that treated Julian Cowan Hill as some sort of expert I entirely lost all respect and hope for usable information from them.
 
Do you also have hyperacusis?

For me, hyperacusis kicked in April and one month ago it got much worse. Tolerance has dropped and I am not sure how to handle it. My tinnitus is pretty bad as you know, but it seems that I accept much quicker the new tones, possibly because I perceive already numerous ones. However I can't deal with the sensitivity. It's impossible and at times physically painful. Sigh...

What meds are you on?
Yes, I developed it again. I'm not on any meds. Meds don't touch my tinnitus, never have, not even in milder times, so what's the point. I just wait for death now, but death won't come easy.

I can't believe I suffered so much with ONE tone. Now this level of 10 sounds each, puts that previous level to bed.
 
@__nico__, some people go thru more than others. You can work thru your thoughts and get to a better place. You know you can get better. You have to work on tiny things that make you happy. Try to make up a new plan to focus on something else than tinnitus and the distortions.
 
I wouldn't put much faith in the ATA. Bunch of hot air in my opinion. I'm sure they will fund some stupid study with the money on coping mechanisms or something dumb.

They are absolute morons in my opinion.

I asked them very general questions when my hell started and they gave the most vague, worthless responses.

Better off donating to actual research.
Whenever I think of "future help for tinnitus" the ATA does not even cross my mind. They're about as useful as my ENT was imo. I remain hopeful but I won't be surprised if the majority of that money goes right into someone's pocket.
 
Whenever I think of "future help for tinnitus" the ATA does not even cross my mind. They're about as useful as my ENT was imo. I remain hopeful but I won't be surprised if the majority of that money goes right into someone's pocket.
Yeah man. An absolute disgrace. These so called professionals are a fucking joke. CBT and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

If they could stop the noise I would imagine 99% of this forum would become undepressed.
 
Yeah man. An absolute disgrace. These so called professionals are a fucking joke. CBT and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

If they could stop the noise I would imagine 99% of this forum would become undepressed.
They seem to know close to nothing about living with tinnitus. Our local tinnitus association made a leaflet about tinnitus, which is correct about potential causes and so on, but has a section of advice at the end with the clear intention to help to distract from tinnitus, which is fine, but it's so ridiculous and makes my blood boil with advice like this: "treat yourself: go to a hairdresser or a theater; try to whistle a song; laugh, have fun, watch a comedy; etc."

Yes, when I'm suicidal because noises torture me 24/7 with minimal sleep, I'm really in the mood of laughing a lot and having fun, I should have just thought of that.
 
Yes, when I'm suicidal because noises torture me 24/7 with minimal sleep, I'm really in the mood of laughing a lot and having fun, I should have just thought of that.
Insulting that they seem to ignore extreme tinnitus too, paired with hyperacusis, which makes it impossible to go to a hair dresser or listen to music without a spike.

Right before I got tinnitus & hyperacusis I was preparing to go into psychology. After all these experiences, I despise the field. I understand tinnitus is a complex thing to tackle but it's unfair that other diseases receive proper attention and biomedical research, while we are stuck in "coping skills" hell. It's a joke. All of it.
 
Yes, I developed it again. I'm not on any meds. Meds don't touch my tinnitus, never have, not even in milder times, so what's the point. I just wait for death now, but death won't come easy.

I can't believe I suffered so much with ONE tone. Now this level of 10 sounds each, puts that previous level to bed.
Oh my gosh Dan...
I'm so sorry. So sorry...
There are no words for this condition.
 
All I can try to do is to agonizingly hold on a little longer, how long I don't know.
Me too Chinmoku.

I just don't see any point going on like this. Or better said, I don't see me enduring much more living like this. I tried so hard for 4 years and when I finally thought that I could manage this mess and accept the many compromises and sacrifices I did... things went even more haywire. I have lost any kind of motivation. Each year is worse and worse. I can't do this.
I continue to worsen. No noise exposure. No ototoxic meds. I don't see myself making it through the year. All hope is dead.
I hate this affliction so much. Some of us just keep getting worse no matter what. The fact that nothing can touch it, in order to improve even a tiny bit... it's beyond comprehension.
When ATA's Tinnitus Today magazine had an article that treated Julian Cowan Hill as some sort of expert I entirely lost all respect and hope for usable information from them.
I wasn't aware of that. So the ATA is a circus. Julian Cowan Hill an expert? They crossed the line.
 
My family doesn`t understand what I`m going through. I feel so far from everyone. Almost like living in a different world. How can I be happy with a screaming tinnitus in my ears, when music sounds so distorted, I can`t even watch a movie. I only live because I can`t die.
 
The thought of suicide is the only thing that comforts me. I cannot continue living like this.
This isn't unique to tinnitus, and finding this kind of comfort isn't something we should feel shame about. Whatever gets us through the day.

Also, Friedrich Nietzsche once said:
"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."
There's a big difference between suicidal ideation, being actively suicidal (planning phase, pragmatics, etc), actually attempting suicide, and succeeding.

I know that for the first 5 years of my bad tinnitus I lived in mostly constant suicidal ideation, with frequent mental forays into the "planning and pragmatics" part, but I never crossed the line to "actively suicidal".

I think having a kid basically marked the end of any kind of serious suicidal ideation, and instead I was left with a sort of helpless depression about having to just make the best of an unending, awful situation. Finally I found a medication stack that's made life a lot better for the last few years, and I am careful with my ears. If that stops working at some point, welp, I will have to drop back 10 and punt, I guess.
 
Having tinnitus and hyperacusis on top of other health problems makes life such hell. Don't even have the luxury to go to a ton of appointments and have scans to rule stuff out. Neuropathy all over my body, hurts to walk, hurts to sit, hurts to lie down. My neurologist seems to have given up on me since I refused a brain MRI. Doctors just tossing me back and forth between each other. No one seems to want to help. What is this life. Very tired.

(still trying to remind myself of the potential treatments, but its tough)
 
The friend who offered me shelter is showing some not great sides to him and my autonomy, among other things, are being threatened. But my life is in his hands and I have no choice but to comply with him. I can't use phones or deal with sirens in case an emergency happened. I feel trapped. It would be suicide to go home.

The clock is ticking. And I don't know if I'll get to find out if I'll be one of the lucky cases of hyperacusis that recover. It doesn't seem possible at this point.
 
The friend who offered me shelter is showing some not great sides to him and my autonomy, among other things, are being threatened. But my life is in his hands and I have no choice but to comply with him. I can't use phones or deal with sirens in case an emergency happened. I feel trapped. It would be suicide to go home.

The clock is ticking. And I don't know if I'll get to find out if I'll be one of the lucky cases of hyperacusis that recover. It doesn't seem possible at this point.
:( This makes me so angry. There are so many selfish assholes who aren't generous without getting something out of it themselves. I was almost in this situation myself.

Is there anywhere else you could go?
 
The friend who offered me shelter is showing some not great sides to him and my autonomy, among other things, are being threatened. But my life is in his hands and I have no choice but to comply with him. I can't use phones or deal with sirens in case an emergency happened. I feel trapped. It would be suicide to go home.

The clock is ticking. And I don't know if I'll get to find out if I'll be one of the lucky cases of hyperacusis that recover. It doesn't seem possible at this point.
You can stay at my place, I dare not make any sound louder than a footstep in my house.
 
Welcome to the "I thought I had it bad" group...

A few years ago I was hoping a pill would give me 50% relief... today I'm hoping a pill would get me back to that level where I was hoping to get 50% relief... wtf? o_O
 
Welcome to the "I thought I had it bad" group...

A few years ago I was hoping a pill would give me 50% relief... today I'm hoping a pill would get me back to that level where I was hoping to get 50% relief... wtf? o_O
Absolutely true.

Do you know what made you worse @dan?
 
:( This makes me so angry. There are so many selfish assholes who aren't generous without getting something out of it themselves. I was almost in this situation myself.

Is there anywhere else you could go?
Sadly no.

I've known him for years and I've never seen this side of him. It's scary. I'm 15 hours away from home. Most of my friends live back in my noisy state in noisy areas. I wish I had the means to live on my own. Trying to get disability for this seems impossible.
You can stay at my place, I dare not make any sound louder than a footstep in my house.
A hyperacusis house is a great idea honestly.
 
Sadly no.

I've known him for years and I've never seen this side of him. It's scary. I'm 15 hours away from home. Most of my friends live back in my noisy state in noisy areas. I wish I had the means to live on my own. Trying to get disability for this seems impossible.

A hyperacusis house is a great idea honestly.
I am trying to get disability but I live in Canada.

What I have learned or what is my strong impression is that this is universal: no matter where you live, you will not get Disability for tinnitus. Tinnitus can only be given as a reason or condition if you are a military veteran.

So, you need to describe your mental condition and what tinnitus does to you mentally, so what restrictions you have from it etc. It seems to be a universal issue no matter where you live, Canada, USA, etc. although some countries might be more open to *those* conditions (UK, maybe?) because even mental illness is not easy to use as a reason. Initial and multiple rejections or denials are common.
 
I am trying to get disability but I live in Canada.

What I have learned or what is my strong impression is that this is universal: no matter where you live, you will not get Disability for tinnitus. Tinnitus can only be given as a reason or condition if you are a military veteran.

So, you need to describe your mental condition and what tinnitus does to you mentally, so what restrictions you have from it etc. It seems to be a universal issue no matter where you live, Canada, USA, etc. although some countries might be more open to *those* conditions (UK, maybe?) because even mental illness is not easy to use as a reason. Initial and multiple rejections or denials are common.
After seeing what @Zugzug has gone through it's really demoralizing. I've actually applied for mental health related disability in the past but of course got denied. I didn't bother fighting because I thought I had to suck it up. But it ended up screwing me up even more.

I was able to hold a very limited and specific job with minimal people contact, then of course lost it because of all this. That was before I got tinnitus or hyperacusis though. Ironically they let me go because I apparently scared someone into thinking I had COVID-19 due to my breathing issues. I'm wondering if those conditions and my past attempts will help me in this case. But it also doesn't help that I can't seek any sort of medical care right now due to only having valid insurance in my home state, and not being able to speak anyway. Not like I'd even want to.

The UK, as far as I know, is very lax with disability. A friend has a friend who is on full benefits and housing for dyspraxia, which isn't even recognized as a disability in the US. I really envy people there.

I am really tempted to play up the mental health aspect to the point of acting crazy but I'm also afraid that in doing so it may reinforce the idea to these people that tinnitus and hyperacusis are mental issues. Should I do a bit of both, or just completely omit the "yeah noises paralyze me and give me nerve pain and I haven't bathed in weeks" part of it? Or rather completely attribute those conditions to "anxiety"?

(I'd honestly love to write "tinnitus and hyperacusis are horrible, recognize these as disability already you stupid f*cks" in the booklet.)

Another fear I have is being forced to get mental health care or be on medication just to make some disability people happy. I react poorly to most psychiatric meds, and I've been on a lot. Do I really need to jump through these hoops to appease these people? I assume so.

Best of luck with applying and I hope it doesn't take you years.
 
After seeing what @Zugzug has gone through it's really demoralizing. I've actually applied for mental health related disability in the past but of course got denied. I didn't bother fighting because I thought I had to suck it up. But it ended up screwing me up even more.

I was able to hold a very limited and specific job with minimal people contact, then of course lost it because of all this. That was before I got tinnitus or hyperacusis though. Ironically they let me go because I apparently scared someone into thinking I had COVID-19 due to my breathing issues. I'm wondering if those conditions and my past attempts will help me in this case. But it also doesn't help that I can't seek any sort of medical care right now due to only having valid insurance in my home state, and not being able to speak anyway. Not like I'd even want to.

The UK, as far as I know, is very lax with disability. A friend has a friend who is on full benefits and housing for dyspraxia, which isn't even recognized as a disability in the US. I really envy people there.

I am really tempted to play up the mental health aspect to the point of acting crazy but I'm also afraid that in doing so it may reinforce the idea to these people that tinnitus and hyperacusis are mental issues. Should I do a bit of both, or just completely omit the "yeah noises paralyze me and give me nerve pain and I haven't bathed in weeks" part of it? Or rather completely attribute those conditions to "anxiety"?

(I'd honestly love to write "tinnitus and hyperacusis are horrible, recognize these as disability already you stupid f*cks" in the booklet.)

Another fear I have is being forced to get mental health care or be on medication just to make some disability people happy. I react poorly to most psychiatric meds, and I've been on a lot. Do I really need to jump through these hoops to appease these people? I assume so.

Best of luck with applying and I hope it doesn't take you years.
It's funny (not really) to me the way humans have an inability to predict patterns of injustice and get out in front of it all. For example, take psychiatric problems. For centuries, anxiety and depression were not recognized as real health problems. It was believed that since everyone deals with anxiety, the people with "disorders" were just exaggerating.

Now we have become mega woke on mental health problems. Yet, here we are with people insisting that they are too disabled to tolerate any sound at all. What do we see? "We ALL get ringing in the ears."

You would think a light bulb would go off -- like oh, hyperacusis could be like all of those diseases that used to not be recognized and now are. But it never does.

It's very pathetic how stupid mankind is. We really are idiots who need step by step lessons to see patterns.

Anyways, if it was a matter of going hungry, I would have no issues faking extreme mental illness for disability. I could pull it off no problem. I would just have to go in with my hyperacusis and take no precautions. I would involuntarily shake and start spazzing out from overstimulation (my LDLs are in the 20s). But instead of saying it's from hyperacusis, I would say it's from mental health problems. They would then give me empathy for a change, as well as disability.

It's really fucked up. I began my progressive hyperacusis when I was 28. I never even heard the word "hyperacusis" until months in when I looked it up. Yet there are "research" papers fraudulently claiming that hyperacusis affects 2-8% of the population.

Trust me, if what I have affected 2-8% of the population, the world would collapse in weeks until a cure was found. True hyperacusis is very rare and it's not something you just work through. You are royally fucked. I used to be a workaholic; my biggest psychological problem was that I was addicted to working and didn't have enough hobbies. Now I'm told, as I haven't left my house (literally, at all) in 10 months that I could hold a job, I'm just not interested or willing to change jobs.

And the coldest part of the rejection letters is they say everything so affirmatively. It's not like, "based on our records, we believe..." Instead, it says "You can handle everyday tasks. You struggle with complicated tasks," like I'm a fucking asshole trying to game the system. Gee, I'm so sorry to be suicidal every day for 20 months. I'll remember that next time when I try to "game the system" again.

I'm not sure what to say, @Shizune, as there is a risk involved. Personally, I'm not going to fake it since I have enough money and because if I ever recover, I suspect I could become a somewhat public figure (not famous, but enough to be spotted) since my cause of severe hyperacusis is so rare.
 
I'm honestly offing myself this weekend. Life just isn't worth it. I'm just putting this out there so people know how bad hyperacusis can get.
I've come back from crazy hyperacusis a couple of times, and going through another spike right now. I see your hyperacusis started in December. You need to give it 6-8 months. It's a long time, but it will get better as long as you don't have new traumas, I guarantee it!
 
After seeing what @Zugzug has gone through it's really demoralizing. I've actually applied for mental health related disability in the past but of course got denied. I didn't bother fighting because I thought I had to suck it up. But it ended up screwing me up even more.

I was able to hold a very limited and specific job with minimal people contact, then of course lost it because of all this. That was before I got tinnitus or hyperacusis though. Ironically they let me go because I apparently scared someone into thinking I had COVID-19 due to my breathing issues. I'm wondering if those conditions and my past attempts will help me in this case. But it also doesn't help that I can't seek any sort of medical care right now due to only having valid insurance in my home state, and not being able to speak anyway. Not like I'd even want to.

The UK, as far as I know, is very lax with disability. A friend has a friend who is on full benefits and housing for dyspraxia, which isn't even recognized as a disability in the US. I really envy people there.

I am really tempted to play up the mental health aspect to the point of acting crazy but I'm also afraid that in doing so it may reinforce the idea to these people that tinnitus and hyperacusis are mental issues. Should I do a bit of both, or just completely omit the "yeah noises paralyze me and give me nerve pain and I haven't bathed in weeks" part of it? Or rather completely attribute those conditions to "anxiety"?

(I'd honestly love to write "tinnitus and hyperacusis are horrible, recognize these as disability already you stupid f*cks" in the booklet.)

Another fear I have is being forced to get mental health care or be on medication just to make some disability people happy. I react poorly to most psychiatric meds, and I've been on a lot. Do I really need to jump through these hoops to appease these people? I assume so.

Best of luck with applying and I hope it doesn't take you years.
My advice and answers to your questions:

Yes, to both - Play up the mental aspect but whatever you say, you have to show that you tried to obtain "help" - meaning meds and doctors/specialists - psychologists, counselors, psychiatrists etc. who will support you. That's my problem right now.

I felt the same way as you (I have tinnitus so I am not "going to act crazy"). I have a physical condition, invisible yes and it contributes to mental anguish so anxiety and depression being part of that. But, the disability "doctors" and "evaluators" don't care. They don't understand tinnitus and don't care that they don't. They follow what your doctors and specialists write down about you. They are your "support network" if you will.

So, 'act crazy' or whatever. Keep track of what your day is like and write it down. Give it to your doctor.

NO ONE listens to us so does it really matter if they associate tinnitus and mental issues together? You want disability and the system is unfair and that's the situation in multiple places and multiple countries. Yeah, good for the UK for not making it unnecessarily difficult for people who have severe forms of tinnitus.

My doctor thinks a medication will help and doesn't care much about my concerns (that it won't work or that it may be ototoxic). I made the mistake thinking it would be okay to have this position. It is being counted against me.

So my advice is, agree to everything and anything (no MRIs maybe the only exception) and it's up to you whether you take a medication that was prescribed to you. I am not telling you what to do there.

But, my sentiments and attitude is they don't care about tinnitus and what it does to you or about possible consequences of taking multiple medications and I mean to your tinnitus (notwithstanding other side effects) so why be their obedient tool?

I will say I took the medication and it didn't work. How often do meds work for severe tinnitus sufferers? Does talking to another human being (on the phone, nowadays) reduce your tinnitus? No. It does not.

But, I would do whatever they want if it means getting disability. You have to explain what tinnitus does to you, mentally speaking - how it prevents you from doing routine things and how it prevents you from functioning normally.
 
My advice and answers to your questions:

Yes, to both - Play up the mental aspect but whatever you say, you have to show that you tried to obtain "help" - meaning meds and doctors/specialists - psychologists, counselors, psychiatrists etc. who will support you. That's my problem right now.

I felt the same way as you (I have tinnitus so I am not "going to act crazy"). I have a physical condition, invisible yes and it contributes to mental anguish so anxiety and depression being part of that. But, the disability "doctors" and "evaluators" don't care. They don't understand tinnitus and don't care that they don't. They follow what your doctors and specialists write down about you. They are your "support network" if you will.

So, 'act crazy' or whatever. Keep track of what your day is like and write it down. Give it to your doctor.

NO ONE listens to us so does it really matter if they associate tinnitus and mental issues together? You want disability and the system is unfair and that's the situation in multiple places and multiple countries. Yeah, good for the UK for not making it unnecessarily difficult for people who have severe forms of tinnitus.

My doctor thinks a medication will help and doesn't care much about my concerns (that it won't work or that it may be ototoxic). I made the mistake thinking it would be okay to have this position. It is being counted against me.

So my advice is, agree to everything and anything (no MRIs maybe the only exception) and it's up to you whether you take a medication that was prescribed to you. I am not telling you what to do there.

But, my sentiments and attitude is they don't care about tinnitus and what it does to you or about possible consequences of taking multiple medications and I mean to your tinnitus (notwithstanding other side effects) so why be their obedient tool?

I will say I took the medication and it didn't work. How often do meds work for severe tinnitus sufferers? Does talking to another human being (on the phone, nowadays) reduce your tinnitus? No. It does not.

But, I would do whatever they want if it means getting disability. You have to explain what tinnitus does to you, mentally speaking - how it prevents you from doing routine things and how it prevents you from functioning normally.
Yeah, you have to take the prescription and say you're taking it and come back for a refill, do that a few times, then say you have terrible side effects/doesn't do shit for tinnitus, and you're home free - you followed your doctor's orders and it didn't work, hence you're disabled with poor prognosis to improve. You also need a psych evaluation, where the shrink will just write you off as untreatable.
 
I'm normally someone who hates lying and am bad at it. But honesty has gotten me nowhere with these people. I eventually did learn on to put on a face and try to act as casual and chill as possible so doctors wouldn't write me off as a spaz or make them hone in on my past mental health history. Guess it's time to put on the opposite mask.

Also @PeteJ for what it's worth, I meant like for the greater good in regards to attitudes towards tinnitus & hyperacusis. Like if you try to get disability and do it this way, the people who have never heard or seen it before will write it off as mental, thus impeding progress of the medical community ever taking us seriously. But for all I know, and it seems this way, they don't give a shit period and will just move on to reject the next person without looking into things further. I hate this whole "pick the right dialogue action or start over" shit just to get on a doctor's good side. Play your cards right and they just might give you what you want. This person who is supposedly here to "help" you.

I truly wonder if in my life time this stuff will ever get the recognition it deserves. Can any of us even make a difference? I'm going to start resorting to violence at this point. It's time for society to get woke about ears.
 

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