Suicidal

[linearb]

As they say, a healthy man has many wishes, a sick man only one.

Living in survival mode is no life.

Survival mode sucks, I love and value your input here, and I hope you find some path to something brighter soon. "If you're going through hell, keep going" is the only advice I have, because you probably know at least as much about any of this shit as I do at this point.

Your post resonated heavily with me, and the fact that I do now have "many wishes" rings true as a sign that the things I am doing to manage this condition are effective for the moment. One of my wishes would certainly be to be tinnitus free, and then medication free, but I can honestly say it's not at the front of my list by some margin right now. (Simply not having my condition get worse in some catastrophic way is likely acceptable to me now, and if that happens, well, as you pointed out -- life is hard and there are no guarantees).

After years he takes a pill of Memantine and boom, he momentarily can hear birds and radiators noises again. This wasn't certainly ear cells death or synapses, so what was going on?

Very, very hard to say, by my fundamental takeaway from my teenage LSD experiences was "the brain is a freaking radio of perceptual information constantly flowing at lightspeed, and the second you start wrenching on chemical knobs pretty hard, all sorts of weird shit can happen".

The only NMDAR I've taken since my worsening was Methoxetamine, and it gave me a definite spike for the duration of action of the drug. Because it's disassociating I didn't really mind, but that was back in like 2011 and I haven't thought about it since. I wonder if I still have any MXE...

 

[Chinmoku]

Survival mode sucks, I love and value your input here, and I hope you find some path to something brighter soon. "If you're going through hell, keep going" is the only advice I have, because you probably know at least as much about any of this shit as I do at this point.

Your post resonated heavily with me, and the fact that I do now have "many wishes" rings true as a sign that the things I am doing to manage this condition are effective for the moment. One of my wishes would certainly be to be tinnitus free, and then medication free, but I can honestly say it's not at the front of my list by some margin right now. (Simply not having my condition get worse in some catastrophic way is likely acceptable to me now, and if that happens, well, as you pointed out -- life is hard and there are no guarantees).

[On Memantine anecdote] Very, very hard to say, by my fundamental takeaway from my teenage LSD experiences was "the brain is a freaking radio of perceptual information constantly flowing at lightspeed, and the second you start wrenching on chemical knobs pretty hard, all sorts of weird shit can happen".

The only NMDAR I've taken since my worsening was Methoxetamine, and it gave me a definite spike for the duration of action of the drug. Because it's disassociating I didn't really mind, but that was back in like 2011 and I haven't thought about it since. I wonder if I still have any MXE...

Thank you, linearb, your input is quite important to me because you went through this type of survival-mode hell, you tried so many things, you didn't give up and you found a way out of it. As you said you are not healed but you are at a point where, even from your posts here, it's clear you are enjoying life in general and raising your kid in particular. The verve in your posts makes it quite clear.

I'm still searching for something that can bring me in a place like that. Even if I didn't heal, it would be enough for me to get to a point where this condition allows me to function at a sufficient level to face life and keep raising my kids. So far I have not had any luck despite trying so many things.

The Memantine anecdote puzzled me, the person's tinnitus vanished and he could hear forgotten sounds again, but I should add that this person developed bad Akathisia a few weeks later, ended up in the ER and had to stop the drug. As you say, the brain is a crazy radio and we really need to study it and understand it better. Improving brain imaging can be the beginning and, hopefully, carefully designed statistical learning will help, but I feel we are missing some fundamental elements here. I really hope there will be a breakthrough and our kids will have an easier life with their health.

 

[linearb]

The Memantine anecdote puzzled me, the person's tinnitus vanished and he could hear forgotten sounds again, but I should add that this person developed bad Akathisia a few weeks later, ended up in the ER and had to stop the drug. As you say, the brain is a crazy radio and we really need to study it and understand it better. Improving brain imaging can be the beginning and, hopefully, carefully designed statistical learning will help, but I feel we are missing some fundamental elements here. I really hope there will be a breakthrough and our kids will have an easier life with their health.

Ah, this rings a bell now, I believe I read the same report.

Drugs are extremely weird and unpredictable, aren't they? At one point during this, I was wondering if protracted withdrawal from previous benzo use was impacting my tinnitus (and at a point when I'd been clear of benzos for years); I took sublingual doses of Flumazenil, a partial benzo antagonist, a couple times.

I quite expected it to provoke some kind of bizarre anxiety state, but it actually made me feel calm and emotionally very detached. It had no positive impact on my tinnitus, and that night was hallmarked by an unbelievably strange sleep/dream/wake cycle that revolved around being alone in an apartment and wanting my wife. Then I would wake up enough to realize I was alone in bed but she was in the next room asleep on a couch... and then I was back in the dream apartment alone trying to find her. This was overall a somewhat unpleasant experience, but it was interesting enough to recall in some detail years later.

I also should add, I think some of the coping skills I learned around meditation to tolerate distress states, and yoga and trigger point release and devices to manage TMJ specifically, were pretty instrumental in recovery — and I don't know if the drugs by themselves would do nearly as much. When things get into "bad" now I can't really go and take more drugs, but I can always sit down and meditate more.

 

[Chinmoku]

Drugs are extremely weird and unpredictable, aren't they? At one point during this, I was wondering if protracted withdrawal from previous benzo use was impacting my tinnitus (and at a point when I'd been clear of benzos for years); I took sublingual doses of Flumazenil, a partial benzo antagonist, a couple times.

I quite expected it to provoke some kind of bizarre anxiety state, but it actually made me feel calm and emotionally very detached. It had no positive impact on my tinnitus, and that night was hallmarked by an unbelievably strange sleep/dream/wake cycle that revolved around being alone in an apartment and wanting my wife. Then I would wake up enough to realize I was alone in bed but she was in the next room asleep on a couch... and then I was back in the dream apartment alone trying to find her. This was overall a somewhat unpleasant experience, but it was interesting enough to recall in some detail years later.

I also should add, I think some of the coping skills I learned around meditation to tolerate distress states, and yoga and trigger point release and devices to manage TMJ specifically, were pretty instrumental in recovery — and I don't know if the drugs by themselves would do nearly as much. When things get into "bad" now I can't really go and take more drugs, but I can always sit down and meditate more.

This I thoroughly envy. I meditated on and off many years in my life, mostly awareness of breathing, starting with body scans. I also tried to meditate on the tinnitus but I managed to do it only for four months. The constant worsening made me so restless that in the end I was simply sitting through 20-30 minutes of torture every day and at some point I could not take it any more.

On benzos, I was hoping they would help me. I need to buy 10-12 years to my kids, then it will be all right whatever happens. I had been on Pregabalin for about 2 years, but tinnitus was worsening all the time, so the doctor at some point switched me to Clonazepam. I have started at 0.25 mg and then got to 0.5 mg. It worked for two weeks but then lost all effect and the worsening started again. The tinnitus became more and more high pitched and louder in a way it had never been even under pregabalin. The neurologist suggested two possibilities, either come off if I feel I can make it, wait and see what happens off drugs, or if I can't make it because I'm too ill then let's try to increase to 1 mg. I tried 1 mg for a couple of days but the tinnitus didn't get better, I could sleep more but as soon as I woke up the noise would be even worse, I was scared and moved back to 0.5 mg. My understanding (but it could be wrong) is that benzos are not like antidepressants, their effect should be immediate? If two days at a raised dosage don't do anything, does that mean that benzos are not helping and I should try to come off, or should one stay on the raised dose for longer? I read your past experience and you mentioned you had almost given up when finally the 2 mg dosage started being effective for you. @birdy has a similar story, it took her three weeks for the effect to show up and kill her tinnitus. I'm surprised by this as I had thought benzos effects were immediate.

Sorry for the long post and I'm not asking for medical advice, but based on your experience, is it possible that the effect of benzo dosage increase on tinnitus may take days/weeks to show up and that, at the beginning, there may be even worsening? My dilemma in the last 9 months has been understanding whether I'm in tolerance withdrawal or simply I need a larger dose to stabilize (like @birdy, who had to raise dosage a few times and finally found the stable spot at 4 mg). I'm aware you also have Gabapentin in the cocktail, that's something I will discuss with my neurologist if things get totally desperate, which I'm not very far from.

Other than that I always appreciate your posts, I wish meditation were as effective for me. I am trying to teach it to my kids, as you are doing. I want them to be able to resort to it. Body scans seems already to help them when they are a little stressed by school.

 

[shelbynn]

Have things faded or improved at all? Doing any masking at night?

It's still an up and down battle. The reactive buzzing sound is still there and it's keeping me down. My regular old tinnitus has been incredibly quiet lately *knock on wood* I even today had about hour of total complete silence. I mean true silence. Like in my silent bathroom with my ears plugged and I couldn't hear anything.

Went for a walk by the river today and it was so painfully loud and distorted I broke down and went home.

 

[Matchbox]

It's still an up and down battle. The reactive buzzing sound is still there and it's keeping me down. My regular old tinnitus has been incredibly quiet lately *knock on wood* I even today had about hour of total complete silence. I mean true silence. Like in my silent bathroom with my ears plugged and I couldn't hear anything.

Went for a walk by the river today and it was so painfully loud and distorted I broke down and went home.

Just as a random thought...

If THC triggered your tinnitus, don't you think CBD might be worth a try (pure with no THC in it) to antagonize those receptors? If it's pure CBD, the risk is minimal if any.
If what you're going through is a regulation problem, then blocking the site should help re-upregulate.

Same thing happens to people who stop coffee cold turkey, Adenosine works way too well and they could sleep for days.

Whenever I come off benzos if I really need it, there seems to ALWAYS be a week of it being really bad, and it slowly improving again after. I'm pretty sure this is what's going on.
The fact you had true silence is good. Don't mess with it too too much (absolutely no steroids).

 

[Bill Bauer]

These days my main tormentor is Interstitial Cystitis. Today it made me cry for the first time.

Today I took the first step in preparing for what I will be doing if the various treatments don't work out.

 

[AliasM]

Does severe multitonal somatic bilateral ear and all of brain tinnitus (with associated hyperacusis that even activates when I talk, but I am more distressed by tinnitus) settle down or is this what I am stuck with? It is worse now than when it started 3 months ago. I think the cause is CNS hyperactivity.

How would one contact one of these Swiss dignity clinics to make enquiries?

 

[AliasM]

These days my main tormentor is Interstitial Cystitis. Today it made me cry for the first time.

Today I took the first step in preparing for what I will be doing if the various treatments don't work out.

So sorry for your pain and suffering Bill.

 

[ajc]

How would one contact one of these Swiss dignity clinics to make enquiries?

Both Pegasos and Dignitas have websites, google them. They have contact forms you can fill and ask about your options. Pegasos is more lenient towards granting voluntary assisted dying because of tinnitus/hyperacusis than Dignitas.

 

[Johan001]

@AliasM, I totally understand your suffering as I've been suffering myself with this horror. It's perfectly normal to think about suicide in the first months, but please give yourself enough time. The rule of thumb is at least 2 years.

 

[roy1159]

I can't go on anymore, 15 months deep in this BS state... I'm tired of being disabled like this. I can't work, I can't study, I can't even watch a movie or even comprehend speech in quiet! I'm surviving for nothing really. I will never be normal again or capable of living some form of normal live, not in this lifetime. I don't know why I keep posting the same stuff, but I guess it's the only thing I can do in my state. I don't care about my family, they will be sad for a short time and will go on with their lives. Besides, I have prepared them for my ending for almost a year so that's that.

 

[shelbynn]

Just as a random thought...

If THC triggered your tinnitus, don't you think CBD might be worth a try (pure with no THC in it) to antagonize those receptors? If it's pure CBD, the risk is minimal if any.
If what you're going through is a regulation problem, then blocking the site should help re-upregulate.

Same thing happens to people who stop coffee cold turkey, Adenosine works way too well and they could sleep for days.

Whenever I come off benzos if I really need it, there seems to ALWAYS be a week of it being really bad, and it slowly improving again after. I'm pretty sure this is what's going on.
The fact you had true silence is good. Don't mess with it too too much (absolutely no steroids).

That's something to consider. Marijuana and CBD are completely legal in Michigan for medicinal and recreational use. I've been considering hitting up the dispensary and giving some pure CBD a try.

Interestingly enough the Xanax hasn't ever changed my tinnitus level or the reactive buzzing sound. Just makes me not care about it for a short while and let's me sleep. I'm pretty much off of it now and am fine. My psychiatrist has me on a very very low does of Trazodone. The only thing that got rid of the buzzing sound was the first cranial sacral massage I got. The next morning I woke up and turned the faucet on and it sounded just the way it was supposed to. The reactive buzzing was back around 5:00 PM that night, however.

 

[Matchbox]

That's something to consider. Marijuana and CBD are completely legal in Michigan for medicinal and recreational use. I've been considering hitting up the dispensary and giving some pure CBD a try.

Interestingly enough the Xanax hasn't ever changed my tinnitus level or the reactive buzzing sound. Just makes me not care about it for a short while and let's me sleep. I'm pretty much off of it now and am fine. My psychiatrist has me on a very very low does of Trazodone. The only thing that got rid of the buzzing sound was the first cranial sacral massage I got. The next morning I woke up and turned the faucet on and it sounded just the way it was supposed to. The reactive buzzing was back around 5:00 PM that night, however.

That almost sounds like there's a vascular issue going on. I found CBD didn't do much for myself.

 

[bobvann]

These days my main tormentor is Interstitial Cystitis. Today it made me cry for the first time.

Today I took the first step in preparing for what I will be doing if the various treatments don't work out.

For me it's the opposite. My tinnitus has shoved my IC into the background.

I did a ton of crap for IC and just like tinnitus, nothing works.

 

[shelbynn]

That almost sounds like there's a vascular issue going on. I found CBD didn't do much for myself.

It's so weird. Every time I get my blood pressure checked they say it's normal. But I've been having a fast resting heart rate which came out of nowhere a week or so before the tinnitus began. I thought I was having panic attacks. I notice my tinnitus gets LOUD whenever I lay down but when I'm sitting or standing it's very quiet.

 

[Lurius]

It's so weird. Every time I get my blood pressure checked they say it's normal. But I've been having a fast resting heart rate which came out of nowhere a week or so before the tinnitus began. I thought I was having panic attacks. I notice my tinnitus gets LOUD whenever I lay down but when I'm sitting or standing it's very quiet.

Hmmm, really? That's very interesting to me, I had the exact same thing in the summer of 2018 when I got tinnitus.

 

[roy1159]

I'm not sure what's worse really... my severe tinnitus or inability to understand speech in almost every situation but one-on-one in quiet room. I only know that when I 'only' had to deal with my severe tinnitus I was about to end it all. What am I supposed to do now. I really tried almost everything to get better but in the end my tinnitus worsened to severe and now I can't seem to understand what people are saying even in quiet with NORMAL audiogram (????). Only thing I didn't try is my jaw surgery which is scheduled next month... if I can survive until then, I don't really count on it because it probably has nothing to do with it but it's the last thing I'm going to try. I did everything right and ended up in the worst state possible... it's like I'm being punished by the gods or something.

It's the holidays and I hate meeting family and old friends and explaining that I'm debilitated by ringing and hearing problems which are left unexplained. Almost nobody has ever heard of tinnitus I can tell you that, even older people.

The most frustrating thing is the hearing problems are totally dumbfounding. It's like my brain ceased to comprehend speech, because my IHCs and nerves (excluding added IHC and synapse damage - which is possible but can't solely explain the hearing problems) are fine.

Let's be honest, I really don't have a choice here. I can accept that I will be severely disabled and live life at 5%, or I will have to kill myself.

 

[Hidde]

I was at a family dinner on Saturday and it was humiliating to say I'm doing nothing with my life at 21... as expected the comments I got were 'why aren't you trying to solve your problems then'... lol. Most people are lucky in the sense that their medical problems are treatable or curable. Mine can't even be explained.

Yesterday I was at a football match (soccer for the Americans) and it was great in the sense that I haven't experienced an escapistic activity like this in months... with my hearing problems, tinnitus and recent physical problems I ceased to take part in escapistic activities that bring me joy, due to the circumstances of course. Escapism is great but it's not enough for me... I can't achieve any of the things that people my age strive to achieve. I can't strive for anything anymore.

I knew life wouldn't be the same but I didn't know my hearing will be destroyed in a flash (with no explanation and with no sign for it in any medical test) and I will be left with nothing in my life at this young of age. Sadly suicide is the only way to end the suffering... I just can't accept my current life if you can even call it that.

Please don't end your life. It can get better.

 

[AliasM]

Maybe some of your meds are causing your noise? Even some blood pressure meds can cause weird tinnitus.

Thank you. I stopped Propranolol last night. I was put on it mid January. I didn't have somatosensory or pulsatile tinnitus before I started it. Now I do. Coincidence, I don't know.

I don't GAF about my blood pressure. I'm not that lucky, but maybe a massive stroke will kill me. It was also doubling up as a migraine preventer but I am going to see how I go without it for a few weeks.

The only other med I am on is Amitriptyline. I break a tablet in half before bed for sleep so 5mg. Minuscule dose. Neurologist wants me on 25mg, again for migraine prevention, but I know I don't even tolerate 10mg of it. 10mg gives me nightmares in my sleep.

 

[Marin]

Thank you. I stopped Propranolol last night. I was put on it mid January. I didn't have somatosensory or pulsatile tinnitus before I started it. Now I do. Coincidence, I don't know.

I don't GAF about my blood pressure. I'm not that lucky, but maybe a massive stroke will kill me. It was also doubling up as a migraine preventer but I am going to see how I go without it for a few weeks.

The only other med I am on is Amitriptyline. I break a tablet in half before bed for sleep so 5mg. Minuscule dose. Neurologist wants me on 25mg, again for migraine prevention, but I know I don't even tolerate 10mg of it. 10mg gives me nightmares in my sleep.

Just throwing this out there, what about a calcium channel blocker like Verapamil? They are used to lower blood pressure and also for migraine prevention. I've also talked to 2 people who had some relief from hyperacusis from it.

Full disclosure, I tried it for my pain hyperacusis. It did seem to help with the ear pain in the very short time that I took it, but it gave me really bad joint pain. I react badly to everything, so don't let my experience scare you away from trying it.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

I stopped Propranolol last night. I was put on it mid January.

Wondering if you tapered.

Do You Need To Taper Propranolol?

 

[AliasM]

Thank you. I'll ask about a calcium channel blocker. I was on Verapamil before my 2018 pregnancy. If I still have the script and it is still valid I might just fill it and bypass my useless clueless doctor. She won't prescribe it anyway I don't think given she has instruction from a neurologist to stage increases of the beta blocker.

No idea Greg about tapering and I don't even care.

I really honestly just don't want to live anymore. I can't bare my life any longer. I have been reading through the 350+ pages of this support subforum, Facebook as well. So many people get quiet days, or quiet days are their normal and they get the odd loud days. I have all loud days. My loud and intrusive days are normal and my bad days I would describe as violent and physically painful. I have read enough to know this is not how most people experience tinnitus. I am seeing 2 psychs and their CBT and ACT strategies are completely wasted on me. I'm calling it off I think.

I've had a couple of bearable days here and there but not often, and I know I will pay for it, usually the next day, so there is no relief. I am only 3 months in (I was sick daily for 2 months before that) but my distress and suffering is more than I can take. 3am this morning I woke to these weird warbling wave like tones in my brain that started at the front, went to the back, then to the front again and repeat. My brain is damaged. I think the worst is yet to come and this is the precursor to some major neurological disease. Or maybe I am catastrophizing. I don't know but I think what I am experiencing is more than what most people could take.

Life was truly wonderful before this hell began. My grief for what I have lost is immeasurable. I live in the same house as my kids, but we no longer even interact. My husband does everything.

 

[AliasM]

@Zugzug, you are incredibly knowledgeable, and I can only imagine the amount of research that you must be doing on your condition. May I ask if you've considered LDN for your autoimmune condition? If you decided against it, may I ask why? That is one of the few medications I have not tried yet, and I am considering giving it a shot.

Have you tried LDN? I want to give it a try but have no idea how to approach my GP about it.

 

[RichieTheKid]

Guys, I know how this may sound, but my tinnitus in the right ear is really getting to me. I'm willing to try LLLT but I can't afford it. Does anyone have a device they don't use? I'm on the edge at times and I really want to try it.

 

[Marin]

Have you tried LDN? I want to give it a try but have no idea how to approach my GP about it.

I actually just got a prescription, and I'm waiting for the compound pharmacy to finish making it. With all of my crazy reactions to meds and supplements I really I hope I can tolerate it and that it can at least help with my inflammation and autoimmune stuff.

I have Kaiser, which is terrible, and I was able to get it prescribed by their chronic pain department.

If your doctor isn't open to the idea, you could try asking for a referral to a rheumatologist or pain clinic who might be able to prescribe it. You can even go around your GP and get it from an online doctor like LDN Direct.

There is a really good Facebook group called LDN for chronic illness & infections. The group is very active, and you can see how people are using it for all kinds of different health issues.

 

[roy1159]

Please don't end your life. It can get better.

LOL it's been 15 months and it only got worse. For the vast majority of sufferers it gets better, that's why they are able to return to normal life. Not only is my tinnitus severe but I'm hard of hearing with a normal audiogram and normal nerve function, how rare is that? What are the odds of me being in what they call the 'lunatic' bunch of the tinnitus sufferers? We are less than 1%. Add the dumbfounding hearing problems and we get to 0.0001%.

No way I can live a semi normal life anymore; to be honest I'm tired of with dealing with all this nonsense. Who knew working in a cafe (ridiculous) can create tinnitus and hearing problems this bad. At least I hoped that SOMETHING would explain my severe hearing problems, so at least I could little by little return to a semi normal life. I will never amount to anything with these debilitating conditions, can't even survive daily life being homebound.

 

[AliasM]

Marin, what dosing are you on? I have read some studies that say 50 mg a day and others that say 1-4.5 mg a day.

I am going to doctor shop until I can find someone to give it to me.

Roy, I'm listening... I hear your distress. I don't know how I ended up with such a severe case of this either. I had such a wonderful Christmas with my husband, kids, and family including my brand new baby nephew who I got to deliver into this world the month before (amazing privilige). They were up visiting from out of town. We were playing board games the night before they left to go home (28 December 2020), and I got a bad headache mid game. Next morning I woke with tinnitus so loud I couldn't hear people speak. My life is now unrecognizable and I am less than a shell of the person I was. I am a wreck. My life is ruined, and I think about the relief death will bring most minutes of every day. Before 29 December 2020, dying before my time (which was old and grey with my husband, lots of grandchildren around) was my biggest fear. This condition has ruined my life though and I am ready to go. I love my children and my husband so much, but all I can think about is my suffering so I understand your suffering. Life inside my head with this condition is torture too.

 

[Backpacker]

Maybe some of your meds are causing your noise? Even some blood pressure meds can cause weird tinnitus.

She had a gym injury, excessive straining while lifting, and she started having head pressure/headache immediately and tinnitus a few days later, so it is not clear if it started because of the diuretic she was put on or because of the actual injury.

But: After a month she felt better and she went back to the gym again.

And: The head pressure/headache came back and tinnitus worsened. In my opinion there is too much coincidence. I am against "push through it"-type of "advice" when people (not you, I'm just using your post here) do not understand the link between excessive straining and inner ear injury.

Again, diuretic pills are not the only diuretic. There are various natural herbal diuretics. There are also ways to avoid all the movements and potentially harmful positions for some time to try to let the injury heal naturally, especially if the symptoms involve head pressure and dizziness after a trauma.

Sometimes all it takes is avoiding everything that increases intracranial pressure for a few weeks or months to improve, especially for people whose injuries occured due to explosive pressure.

 

[roy1159]

Roy, I'm listening... I hear your distress. I don't know how I ended up with such a severe case of this either. I had such a wonderful Christmas with my husband, kids, and family including my brand new baby nephew who I got to deliver into this world the month before (amazing privilige). They were up visiting from out of town. We were playing board games the night before they left to go home (28 December 2020), and I got a bad headache mid game. Next morning I woke with tinnitus so loud I couldn't hear people speak. My life is now unrecognizable and I am less than a shell of the person I was. I am a wreck. My life is ruined, and I think about the relief death will bring most minutes of every day. Before 29 December 2020, dying before my time (which was old and grey with my husband, lots of grandchildren around) was my biggest fear. This condition has ruined my life though and I am ready to go. I love my children and my husband so much, but all I can think about is my suffering so I understand your suffering. Life inside my head with this condition is torture too.

This condition also has taken everything from me, I fully understand why you feel this way. 2019 was my best year thus far and I was excited to start the life I planned. I was only 20 back then. We are just unlucky I guess. I got this from working part time in a café (which was a bit noisy of course).

I'm as well ready to go, but I think you should at least try to hang on longer using whatever means, even benzos regularly, if needed - it's only been 3 months, it's very early. I say this even though I was told the same and in the end my situation got 100 times worse (while doing everything right), I'm barely existing anymore and 15 months in I know getting better is impossible - but the statistics is on your side, only tiny bit of the sufferers end up chronically in the severe end and find themselves battling life and death. It's really depressing to feel like another person or even worse- feeling like you are only an entity that just exists - as normal life is far out of reach, I feel this all the time.