Suicidal

[Tomas80]

So I've been binge eating for a week now (and possibly a couple of weeks before), and I'm feeling as suicidal as ever. Not being able to rest when I want to is surely going to kill me.

I asked my wife if she'll be fine if I kill myself because of all the suffering I'm going through and she said yes. So I suppose I have the green light.

I still love my daughter and her so much though... But I feel like sometimes this infinite love can't match the infinite suffering that severe tinnitus is.

It's out of my mind how a disease can be so life-wrecking, yet no doctor whatsoever seems to give a shit about it.

It's truly a one-way ticket to Hell.

I was in a psychiatric hospital 3 times. I was hospitalized for half a year in total. Because I saw a way out only in suicide. Unfortunately, they didn't let me turn the beast down even a single decibel. Every day is suffering. Every hour, every minute. BUT! Experts say help is damn near at hand. We are like castaways. But through the binoculars we see help coming. Shall we give up now?! Come on bro! Let's hold out for another year. And then we will live happy lives with our children. Stay in your room every day, cry for an hour or two, as much as you need. Then get up and tell yourself that we have to wait for help to come! Because of our children. They need us!!!

 

[PennyCat]

I've been passively and actively suicidal for a decade now, it comes in waves because of my mental health struggles. My first suicide attempt was when I was 13 (I'm 22 now).

These days, I don't think I truly want to die. At least before all of this started. But now I can't imagine continuing to live with the suffering that comes with tinnitus, hyperacusis, and TTTS for the remainder of my life on top of the suffering that I have already struggled with for so long and from such a young age.

I'm just scared and stressed right now and wanted to let this out somewhere I guess. I admire all of you for continuing to push on.

 

[ECP]

I have sometimes looked at this suicide discussion thread, but I never felt comfortable posting anything in it because I'd feel hypocritical if I did.

Here's why:

- When I see that someone is contemplating suicide, my first instinct is to talk them out of it.

- I am also contemplating suicide (and have been for many months), and I definitely don't want people to talk me out of it. They may have the best of intentions, but it's not for them to decide what I do. It's my life, and when the quality of my life has diminished to the point that it's not worth carrying on, I should be able to end my life if I so choose. No one else should decide for me, try to stop me, or interject their unwanted opinion about what a big mistake I'd be making.

So from time to time, I look at the latest posts on this thread, but instead of writing anything to cheer people up, I say nothing. It's not that I don't care about you, it's just that I empathize all too well with how you're feeling.

For the record, I think it takes a lot of courage for people to commit suicide, but an equal amount of courage not to. As long as you put a lot of careful consideration into your decision, that's what matters most.

 

[eagerUser]

I've been passively and actively suicidal for a decade now, it comes in waves because of my mental health struggles. My first suicide attempt was when I was 13 (I'm 22 now).

These days, I don't think I truly want to die. At least before all of this started. But now I can't imagine continuing to live with the suffering that comes with tinnitus, hyperacusis, and TTTS for the remainder of my life on top of the suffering that I have already struggled with for so long and from such a young age.

I'm just scared and stressed right now and wanted to let this out somewhere I guess. I admire all of you for continuing to push on.

I had been fighting OCD for almost my whole life when my ear problems started. It's a vicious cycle that has to be disconnected.

OCD + tinnitus = OCD -> more tinnitus -> more OCD...

You may not suffer from these problems for the rest of your life because there is Dr. Shore's device on the horizon. We have spontaneous remission of the disease as well.

Keep faith that everything is gonna be alright.

I guess meditation and giving it time works in your case. Meditation is by no means a cure but it helps you get through the days.

I sincerely wish to see all my fellow sufferers in the "success stories" section.

 

[dipp]

I would like not to write in this thread again.

I had habituated but now I have a worsening and can't even sleep because when I'm about to get asleep, I have this weird kind of ear very loud sound (more than baseline level) and it wakes me up again and again.

I'm losing it and actively visiting suicide forums to put an end to this. Oh God, I was happy some weeks ago. Now I see death as the only way to stop suffering. I don't want to die, but unfortunately I can't stand this for long.

 

[pleasejuststop]

Chronic pain is literally hell and I have both. I wanna die constantly.

 

[Thejadeox]

I did not want to commit suicide, but I did hope something bad would happen to me to shorten my life. My tinnitus is manageable but it does show up to remind me that I am cursed. My entire life was predicated on being a musician. At the moment, I am still too sensitive to very loud sounds. I try to listen to dance music in the car but I can't go very long before I start to feel that familiar pain. I played my acoustic guitar today feeling alright, but I can tell the tinnitus is louder now at the end of the day...

I had to leave my career just as it was doing good. I was surviving off just music. I wasn't rich but it was a life I always wanted. It is all gone now.

I have other interests. I'm enrolled in college for fall. I just have to admit life doesn't have the glimmer it used to. Now I for sure know what it is like to have heartbreaking loss. For me it was the past 24 years of dedicating everything to something that is gone.

I guess what I am getting at is - there will always be pain and suffering. I feel like all of us on this forum have a perfect understanding of hopelessness, sickness, and major loss. And you begin to realize it is okay for life to not be good. It will never be good again, but somehow that is okay. It gives us wisdom. We have an ability to not fear sickness or death because we can't feel any lower. This low place has a purpose. I haven't figured it out yet, but there is something valuable here. I feel impervious to disappointment. I have nothing to fear because there is nothing to lose and any malady, bad luck, or misfortune can never compare. And if any of those bring death then so be it.

So just live. Live with the suffering, and the hopelessness, and pain. It won't be much longer anyway. It all flies by. And along the way we can share our wisdom with others of living with absolute loss.

 

[Michael1122]

I have to say I'm a huge fan of Xanax when it comes to dealing with the anxiety that comes along with having tinnitus. It has helped immensely! I'd give it a try.

 

[gameover]

I guess what I am getting at is - there will always be pain and suffering. I feel like all of us on this forum have a perfect understanding of hopelessness, sickness, and major loss. And you begin to realize it is okay for life to not be good. It will never be good again, but somehow that is okay. It gives us wisdom. We have an ability to not fear sickness or death because we can't feel any lower. This low place has a purpose. I haven't figured it out yet, but there is something valuable here. I feel impervious to disappointment. I have nothing to fear because there is nothing to lose and any malady, bad luck, or misfortune can never compare. And if any of those bring death then so be it.

So just live. Live with the suffering, and the hopelessness, and pain. It won't be much longer anyway. It all flies by. And along the way we can share our wisdom with others of living with absolute loss.

Yeah, I wish to die, but there are things I am scared of more than ever now. More pain, illness of a loved one, or a death of a loved one. Poverty. Living in crowded noisy place.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I did not want to commit suicide, but I did hope something bad would happen to me to shorten my life. My tinnitus is manageable but it does show up to remind me that I am cursed. My entire life was predicated on being a musician. At the moment, I am still too sensitive to very loud sounds. I try to listen to dance music in the car but I can't go very long before I start to feel that familiar pain. I played my acoustic guitar today feeling alright, but I can tell the tinnitus is louder now at the end of the day...

I had to leave my career just as it was doing good. I was surviving off just music. I wasn't rich but it was a life I always wanted. It is all gone now.

I have other interests. I'm enrolled in college for fall. I just have to admit life doesn't have the glimmer it used to. Now I for sure know what it is like to have heartbreaking loss. For me it was the past 24 years of dedicating everything to something that is gone.

I guess what I am getting at is - there will always be pain and suffering. I feel like all of us on this forum have a perfect understanding of hopelessness, sickness, and major loss. And you begin to realize it is okay for life to not be good. It will never be good again, but somehow that is okay. It gives us wisdom. We have an ability to not fear sickness or death because we can't feel any lower. This low place has a purpose. I haven't figured it out yet, but there is something valuable here. I feel impervious to disappointment. I have nothing to fear because there is nothing to lose and any malady, bad luck, or misfortune can never compare. And if any of those bring death then so be it.

So just live. Live with the suffering, and the hopelessness, and pain. It won't be much longer anyway. It all flies by. And along the way we can share our wisdom with others of living with absolute loss.

I disagree. When I got tinnitus and a couple weeks later pain hyperacusis, I couldn't imagine it could get any worse. Well it has, a whole lot. I am dealing with more health issues now on top of tinnitus and hyperacusis, and they seem to evolve further as time passes, or at least it has so in the last 3-4 years, and especially in the last year. I now know that the illusion of a limit of how low we can get, is just that... an illusion. It can ALWAYS get worse and that realization is a very brutal and scary one. It has really changed my outlook on life... and death. Death becomes more and more tempting the lower I get.

I know that at one point I will break completely. It's inevitable. The amount of ailments/sickness that can be thrust upon us has no limit, but we all have a personal limit of how much we can take, and I am getting very close.

 

[Jonno02]

Just like Lenire was going to be the saviour.

Except this one has been through proper clinical trials and shown statistically significant improvements.

Lenire and the Michigan device are not the same.

 

[Stayinghopeful]

Except this one has been through proper clinical trials and shown statistically significant improvements.

Lenire and the Michigan device are not the same.

I think the Michigan device and potentially one of those potassium channel openers offer a lot of hope for the future.

 

[Jazzer]

Please leave this thread. People are suffering greatly and are in terrible pain. They deserve compassion, not shaming and blaming.

Tracy - I just wanted to say 'Hi.'

We have both suffered so much - I know that.

I wish we could have a great big {{{ HUG }}}

Love,
Dave xx
Jazzer

 

[BrysonKingMe]

I thought for a while about whether to announce this, but I will be leaving soon.

I don't bluff, threaten suicide, I'm a man of my word.

My downfall was tragic. I watched my life be stripped away from me, my tinnitus is horrible, but the hyperacusis is the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced in my life.

The cruel irony is that I took the drug Klonopin for a very mild spike in my tinnitus. You can read my post history to see what happened from there. My life has become completely unlivable. I can't even make it to Switzerland, where I was accepted for VAD recently.

I thought for a while if I should say I am pro-benzo or anti-benzo. I am completely anti-benzo. I don't care how severe your tinnitus is. If there is a 0.01% chance of this happening to anyone else, it's not worth it.

I made so many compromises to live. I don't give a shit about the tinnitus. My hyperacusis is probably in the top 10% of bad. I can't continue to watch this play out the way it is. I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe there is nothing to help.

 

[Damocles]

I thought for a while about whether to announce this, but I will be leaving soon.

You know it took me around five years to improve enough to get my life back on track after the onset of severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. And then another four after the relapse that made it all even worse.

I might be going to university this September, which is a scenario I would never have seriously entertained after things went south. Not after the relapse, and not before the double-severe days either.

So I would really advise you to give this time, and to not do anything impulsive, given the the perceived hopelessness of your circumstances right now.

Also, reports of hyperacusis becoming less problematic over time, appear to be more common than those of tinnitus, if I recall correctly. So if you see yourself being able to cope with the tinnitus until some working technology or medicine comes along for all of us, then I would surmise that an exit plan is even more unnecessary than before I reached your last sentence.

Anyway, yeah. For now I think anyone preparing an exit strategy should suspend those preparations, at least until the University of Michigan Thread joins the Frequency Therapeutics Thread on the seabed of Research News alongside Articles from ATA, or gets its own sub-forum on Tinnitus Talk named RealTreatments.

 

[GingerSpice]

I thought for a while about whether to announce this, but I will be leaving soon.

I don't bluff, threaten suicide, I'm a man of my word.

My downfall was tragic. I watched my life be stripped away from me, my tinnitus is horrible, but the hyperacusis is the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced in my life.

The cruel irony is that I took the drug Klonopin for a very mild spike in my tinnitus. You can read my post history to see what happened from there. My life has become completely unlivable. I can't even make it to Switzerland, where I was accepted for VAD recently.

I thought for a while if I should say I am pro-benzo or anti-benzo. I am completely anti-benzo. I don't care how severe your tinnitus is. If there is a 0.01% chance of this happening to anyone else, it's not worth it.

I made so many compromises to live. I don't give a shit about the tinnitus. My hyperacusis is probably in the top 10% of bad. I can't continue to watch this play out the way it is. I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe there is nothing to help.

@BrysonKingMe, how many alternative therapies have you tried? So many people feel like this, but you see their stories end positively. The right way to deal with it is out there. It doesn't mean it will be titled a "cure" but you'll be able to live a normal life. I'm so heartbroken you're going through this. I'll pray for your healing.

 

[Ed209]

I thought for a while about whether to announce this, but I will be leaving soon.

I don't bluff, threaten suicide, I'm a man of my word.

My downfall was tragic. I watched my life be stripped away from me, my tinnitus is horrible, but the hyperacusis is the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced in my life.

The cruel irony is that I took the drug Klonopin for a very mild spike in my tinnitus. You can read my post history to see what happened from there. My life has become completely unlivable. I can't even make it to Switzerland, where I was accepted for VAD recently.

I thought for a while if I should say I am pro-benzo or anti-benzo. I am completely anti-benzo. I don't care how severe your tinnitus is. If there is a 0.01% chance of this happening to anyone else, it's not worth it.

I made so many compromises to live. I don't give a shit about the tinnitus. My hyperacusis is probably in the top 10% of bad. I can't continue to watch this play out the way it is. I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe there is nothing to help.

Please reconsider. What can feel intensely cruel and unlivable now, can become entirely something else in years to come. We never know what the future holds, but good things do happen to suicidal people all the time.

I've also experienced extreme lows where taking my life felt like the only option, but things eventually changed for me, and there's always the possibility that they will for you too. I know that these types of messages can come across as condescending when you're at your wit's end, but I say this with the absolute best of intentions. My life was absolute dog shit when I was around 19. I remember waking up from a botched surgery on my chest and just wanting the ground to swallow me up. I cannot begin to explain how low I was, and thinking about the future was a laughable concept. Then when I was around 32, I was hit with a severe tinnitus spike and was forced to quit my music career. Once again, my life was plunged into darkness. In either instance, I could have ended it all, but today, many years later, I am content again. Being happy is a strange concept because nobody is ever in a constant state of happiness.

Life can humble people in a split second, and it does this to people regularly. One minute you can be playing with your kids and having a great time, and in the next second you can be paralysed or maimed in some other way. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone.

We have more of a chance of seeing some form of hearing treatment in the next decade than any other of the last two centuries. I know we hear this all the time, but I really believe it to be true at this point. There's more going on now than there's ever been.

I hope you hold on, and I wish nothing but good things for you, and as @Damocles said above, hyperacusis frequently improves for people; especially if you seek help for it from someone who fully understands it.

 

[Diego LR]

I thought for a while about whether to announce this, but I will be leaving soon.

I don't bluff, threaten suicide, I'm a man of my word.

My downfall was tragic. I watched my life be stripped away from me, my tinnitus is horrible, but the hyperacusis is the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced in my life.

The cruel irony is that I took the drug Klonopin for a very mild spike in my tinnitus. You can read my post history to see what happened from there. My life has become completely unlivable. I can't even make it to Switzerland, where I was accepted for VAD recently.

I thought for a while if I should say I am pro-benzo or anti-benzo. I am completely anti-benzo. I don't care how severe your tinnitus is. If there is a 0.01% chance of this happening to anyone else, it's not worth it.

I made so many compromises to live. I don't give a shit about the tinnitus. My hyperacusis is probably in the top 10% of bad. I can't continue to watch this play out the way it is. I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe there is nothing to help.

I totally empathise with your situation and understand your despair. Of course, I wish you were able to keep going but I understand and respect your decision to end your suffering, the psychological and the physical pain. I just send you lots of warmth and I hope you do not suffer much in your final days if you decide to continue with your plan. Hugs.

 

[BrysonKingMe]

I never thought in a million years I would be announcing my parting on a tinnitus forum.

I cannot even drive, that is my worst trigger it causes pain for days. It's my right ear that's fucked that was blasted in the car alarm in January 2022. I guess the benzo withdrawal just destroyed my ears. I was almost pain-free a couple months ago and then I guess I'm just not allowed to drive or do things a normal person can do.

I'm super miserable. I will hold out a little longer. I think I'm going to take a break from this forum, maybe work out at home and pass the time because I can't do anything else.

Sorry for the false flag. I'm really close to my limits though.

 

[gameover]

This thing destroyed me. And I did not even know about the danger. If I only knew, this would have not happened in a million years. Self-inflicted acoustic trauma.

I loved life, now I hate it. I am too afraid to end it, but I will probably. And I am not even half as bad as others. I have moderate-severe tinnitus, that fluctuates, mostly hiss/ringing, no multiple tones, fair loudness hyperacusis, but no pain. I can't imagine this being worse and being able to live. No way.

I hate myself so much for this failure. It is failure either way. Living like this, killing myself because of this.

 

[roy1159]

I'm completely done with this BS. I'm going to finish my semester at uni and apply to Pegasos.

Stupid to lose your life over a BS job at a café but it is what is is. I'm just fu*king done.

 

[SamRosemary]

I want to point out something really random. I see a lot of people upset about what caused their tinnitus. Work, an accident, noise induced, medication, etc. and they blame themselves or whatever caused it. My tinnitus and a lot of other people's don't have a cause. So blaming what happened or what caused yours isn't worth it because it could have happened for absolutely no reason at all. Just something you could let go of, you know. The guilt, the shame, the blame... <3

 

[gameover]

I'm completely done with this BS. I'm going to finish my semester at uni and apply to Pegasos.

Stupid to lose your life over a BS job at a café but it is what is is. I'm just fu*king done.

Kinda illogical to finish the semester. You're not ready to do it, which I guess is good.

 

[WisconsinGuy]

I want to point out something really random. I see a lot of people upset about what caused their tinnitus. Work, an accident, noise induced, medication, etc. and they blame themselves or whatever caused it. My tinnitus and a lot of other people's don't have a cause. So blaming what happened or what caused yours isn't worth it because it could have happened for absolutely no reason at all. Just something you could let go of, you know. The guilt, the shame, the blame... <3

I think this is one of the things that really affected me early on. Luckily I came to grips with the fact it isn't my fault.

 

[pleasejuststop]

It's my favorite season, spring, and I can't do anything I want to do that's relaxing to me because of chronic pain. I feel trapped in my body. These debilitations being so young still. I think "no way this is real" every second.

 

[eric_michaels]

Research shows that ototoxicity of benzos can cause or increase tinnitus by way of arterial hypertension.

That sounds like it would be temporary though, no?

 

[LilSass]

@pleasejuststop, can I ask where your chronic pain stems from? I have chronic neck/shoulder pain and cervicogenic migraines. Just wondering if an upper cervical chiropractor could help you. Hope you're having a good day (or at least okay)!

 

[roy1159]

I'm at a stage where I can no longer go on with the severity of the disability. I can't comprehend 90% of what's being said daily. Bear in mind I've not been exposed to noise in the last 3 years, at all. The tinnitus itself is still as bad as it can be, maintaining concentration for 1 minute is to be considered a miracle.

If there was something to be done, I would have considered on surviving for longer but there is none and there won't be a real treatment for decades.

I can't get disability for this because my hearing level is at worst 25 dB.

I can't function like 99% of the people walking this earth, let alone young people - I had 100% function for 20 years and I can't even describe to anyone not suffering the same fate the dysfunction that it causes.

There is no longer a purpose for surviving anymore. Had I not failed twice at ending it, I wouldn't fear ending it all myself, so I guess VAD (Voluntary Assisted Dying) will be the plan for now.

How hearing problems and tinnitus get 0 (!!!) attention, research and funding is beyond me. People with all kinds of "disabilities" today live fully because they have a viable treatment. What we have today is nothing. Even hearing aids aren't viable for me, and for tinnitus - hehe, what's that even.

 

[TracyJS]

Tracy - I just wanted to say 'Hi.'

We have both suffered so much - I know that.

I wish we could have a great big {{{ HUG }}}

Love,
Dave xx
Jazzer

Hi Dave.

Yes, much suffering.

I wish for such a hug as well.


Tracy

 

[Jazzer]

Hi Dave.

Yes, much suffering.

I wish for such a hug as well.


Tracy

Tracy - have you tried meditation?

A little tip. Don't allow your sounds to throw you off track. You should be able to discover a feeling of stillness. Make sure that your lips are closed, but that your teeth are apart. Allow your tummy to go soft - then allow your diaphragm to breathe just as it chooses.

It may take some practice Tracy, but it is well worth the effort.

As you get used to accepting the stillness, you may well become much less reactive, and then you will be on your way.

Love,
Dave
Jazzer