Suicidal

[StrugglinMarin]

I'm so sorry to hear this, @eldudebro. While knowing that you are eligible for assisted dying might provide some solace in the back of your mind, it's still a difficult and heavy reality to face.

I'm no stranger to long-term suffering from chronic illness, compounded by the debilitating tinnitus I've been dealing with for the past six months. During my worst bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, my dad helped pull me through by reminding me of something simple yet powerful: if there are even 15 minutes in a day when you can enjoy something—whether it's a movie, a series, music, exercise, or anything else—then it's worth holding on. He emphasized that death is the end of everything, both bad and good. It's also the end of you and any chance to change your circumstances for the better.

I believe many people who suffer deeply don't necessarily want to die; they just don't want to keep living in the ways they are currently. In my case, one of my other health challenges eventually improved with medication, which made me grateful I didn't end my life earlier. But now, 20 years later, I find myself in another dark place. I feel like I've been through enough and carried more than my share. I wouldn't mind if my plane crashed tomorrow.

Even so, I hold out hope—for you, for others, and for myself—that there are still things in life worth enjoying, things that can make it worthwhile to keep going. So please, keep fighting. You're not alone in this.

 

[Juliane]

I'm really struggling the fight desire to kill myself. The world is so fucked up. I won't want to endure it any longer. I'm just so tired, and it's only going to get more difficult from here.

Please do not let the terrible world situation get you down (easier said than done). We need you in this world. I feel like you every day, so not just empty words from me. I struggle with suicidal thoughts again due to a horrible tinnitus spike. And the election did not make things better. The world is headed in a horrible direction on so many levels, but we have to believe things might still improve. Big hug.

Hey everyone,

I developed tinnitus 2.5 months ago, and it has completely derailed my life. I'm struggling intensely with suicidal thoughts. I can't sleep, I can't focus, and I can't work. I have a therapist, but it hasn't helped with my suicidal ideation. The intrusive noise is constant and overwhelming.

I'm only 24 years old, and I got tinnitus after my first-ever concert, even though I was wearing ear protection. I don't know what to do. Before all of this, I had plans and projects, but now I'm crippled by tinnitus and debilitating hyperacusis.

It's been three months, and things haven't improved much. I've never felt this level of despair. I'm seeking professional therapy, but it hasn't been very helpful.

I'm in extreme distress. I've been in a psychiatric ward for two weeks, but it didn't change anything.

I have moderate hyperacusis and noxacusis. I tried to return to work, but it was just too noisy—a two-hour drive followed by noise all day long. I can't handle it.

I am so sorry and feel your pain as I am living in the same nightmare. I can't believe it is still legal to charge people for going to "concerts" that ruin their hearing. Only deeply unmusical imbeciles would call noise like that "music." It makes me so angry. There should be serious legal consequences for organizing such concerts. We should all sue the hell out of bands and concert organizers.

 

[Chandler]

I'm so tired. I'm sick of this loop.

 

[slc]

After over ten years of living with this condition and a dramatic worsening in 2022, plus some added hyperacusis, I did the unthinkable: I reached out to an assisted dying clinic in Switzerland.

Typically, this organization quickly informs people if they can't assist them upon first contact. But to my surprise, I received a response explaining the application process in more detail. This makes me think they might actually consider my case. I'm not "young," but I'm not old either—I'm in my mid-40s. Perhaps a combination of my age and the length of time I've dealt with this condition has made them open-minded about offering assistance.

Either way, I feel deflated that it has come to this point, and I have some serious thinking to do. I don't post here often, but I've always checked in. I guess I just needed to vent tonight.

Sending love to all of you who are suffering.

At my very worst, when I was dealing with newly developed catastrophic tinnitus and hyperacusis, I found myself holding onto a strange and unexpected thought. If the relentless suffering ever broke me, I took some comfort in knowing that the tinnitus and hyperacusis would stop if my life ended. In an odd way, that gave me a small measure of strength to keep going. Perhaps just knowing that the option existed provided a certain sense of control and relief.

I cannot say for sure what ultimately helped, but I threw everything I could at the condition. I kept storm windows closed during the summer because I could not tolerate the sound of crickets or a neighbor's air conditioner. I tried acupuncture, hypnosis, craniosacral therapy, sound therapy, hearing aids with pink noise, and western medications like Klonopin and later Gabapentin. I explored Ayurveda and panchakarma, protected my ears, walked through forests hugging trees, chanted mantras, experimented with laser therapy and homeopathy, and spent countless hours playing a nylon stringed guitar. It was a journey of trial and error.

Now, I am preparing to return to India for two months of panchakarma. In my experience, this treatment has reduced my tinnitus for several months afterward. Now that Covid is less of a concern, I plan to make this an annual trip, hoping that consistent treatment will continue to bring more relief. These days, my symptoms range from mild or moderate to severe, depending on the day. I should also note that about two years ago, a very loud fire alarm caused a significant spike in my symptoms, which has added to the ups and downs of my condition.

Sending love and, as my yoga teacher might say (in a somewhat new age way), bubbles of light to you as well.

 

[Deblee245]

I really hope you don't go through with this. I understand what you're experiencing—it's truly awful. Just plain awful.

I recently started meditating, and while the only thing I hear during meditation is the tinnitus, it does help a little. I suppose that's the mindfulness aspect at work. I'm not entirely sure, though.

 

[ccpjc]

I'm nearing 1 month since I experienced severe acoustic trauma; the tinnitus has been relentless and has become progressively worse as the weeks pass. I'm now contemplating medical-assisted suicide. I confided in my wife, and while she hoped that I wouldn't, she came to the understanding of where I was.

I googled, searched, and read success stories of people who made things better with supplements, and I tried taking lion's mane for a week but then got put on antibiotics, so I stopped for any interaction concerns. Then, on Sunday and Monday (4/5 days ago) night, to try and reduce inflammation and heal things, as my ear still suffered pain and pressure, I took a combination of NAC, Taurine, and Advil shortly before taking my amoxicillin. Now I realize the magnitude of my error; even though I checked and checked for any interactions, I guess I'm just that magical unicorn who can't catch a break. Everything I do only seems to worsen things; I'm cursed.

What followed was my tinnitus changing for the worse. It became central tinnitus, and even worse, it became reactive; any noise causes a sharp increase in sound intensity. Any movement, including talking, eating, sniffling, and tensing my muscles, causes the sounds to spike.

This isn't living anymore; I can't take this. I reached out to a local company that deals with tinnitus and got told to go away as my tinnitus isn't considered chronic. I told them I was in a dark place and needed any support and help, to which I was ignored.

After reading Reddit subs, Facebook groups, and these online communities, I have no hope for the future.

Today, when I woke up, I was mentally broke; I no longer feared death in the sense I had before. I spoke with a counselor yesterday who said it is normal for the brain to think about death in extreme situations but offered no other guidance or suggestions. I'm 40 and have been terrified of death as long as I can remember, but now the thoughts of living with this torment another day are overwhelming and overpowering. Who knew at 40 I would want to die? I had hopes and dreams of getting old with my wife and seeing our kids grow and be successful, but I can't imagine a tomorrow anymore.

My family… the thoughts of leaving them are crushing, especially when they're still kids, but the torment of this, this hell, I can't take it anymore; I can't imagine people who live with this for years. There's no way that they have it as severe as I do, else they wouldn't be living like they do.

And there's no fix, pill, surgery, or anything that can help. Even if there was, I don't believe the damage I've done is fixable, and I live in a country that would never see these treatments in my lifetime even if they came out thanks Canada…

...maybe if it was still isolated to my ear, but it's changed and for the worse.

I've begged, prayed, cried, and pleaded for this to stop, but it doesn't. It's unrelenting. It's torture.

I wrote my goodbye letter today; it crushed me; I cried harder than I'd ever before, and I screamed and yelled in such agony at the thoughts of no longer being here, seeing my family. Missing out on their growth, my youngest is five and is so incredibly attached to me; I don't know what will happen to her, and I don't know what will happen to my eldest or my wife. But this pain and torment is beyond anything I've ever thought I would have to go through.

 

[erebus]

Hang in there. There's a good chance the severity of your tinnitus will decrease over time. The first few months are tough, but it's still too early to make any final decisions about your life.

 

[ccpjc]

Hang in there. There's a good chance the severity of your tinnitus will decrease over time. The first few months are tough, but it's still too early to make any final decisions about your life.

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

 

[Mark F.]

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

I want to repeat my advice to you: stop trying to find a cure, supplement, surgery, pill, or anything else to fix this. Just stop and do nothing for now. Instead, try to grit your teeth and bear it. Your wife and kids need you to be strong.

It will be tough for a while, no doubt, but things might eventually get better. If you give up, you will never know. Fight to stay alive. You are stronger than you think.

 

[slc]

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

Many of us here have been through absolute hell when we first developed tinnitus or hyperacusis. Mine was so severe that I lost a significant amount of weight, couldn't eat, and couldn't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I cried a lot and felt completely hopeless.

What you are experiencing could very well be a crisis stage that you can make it through. I've gone from total catastrophe—unable to drive, sleep, eat, go to the supermarket, or even take a walk if it was too sunny—to days that now range from mild to severe. My quality of life has improved from nearly zero to about 5 or 6 out of 10.

Here are some suggestions that may help:

- Sound therapy: Use your phone to play soothing sounds, like ocean waves or other calming noises.

- Hearing aids with pink noise: These can help take the edge off. For example, they can move your distress from a 9 out of 10 to an 8 out of 10. It's a small difference but still significant. Sometimes, sleeping with them in can make the next day a little better.

- Sleep aids: Try valerian and melatonin for sleep. If you're really struggling, consider asking your GP about Klonopin as an off-label treatment. I use 1 mg about an hour before bedtime.

- Ayurvedic techniques: Calm your nervous system with alternate nostril breathing and reduce caffeine intake to improve your sleep. Massage your scalp and the soles of your feet with Vata oil (or sesame oil if that's easier to find). In colder months, eat warm and soothing foods like hot cereal for breakfast or soups for meals. Avoid too much sugar, but treat yourself occasionally.

- Acupuncture: While helpful for some, it can be challenging to find a skilled acupuncturist. I tried six before finding one who made a difference.

- Craniosacral therapy: This may be worth exploring. You can search for a therapist through the Upledger Institute's website.

- Communication with your spouse: Speak openly with your wife about what you're going through. She might be shutting down because she doesn't fully understand the severity of your situation and assumes it's just a matter of willpower. Ask her to read some posts on forums like this one, and let her know you want to work together to navigate this. She's likely overwhelmed with the thought of losing you, and while you may not be in a position to reassure her right now, you can suggest learning and sharing information together.

- Flow activities: Find an activity that engages your whole body and helps you focus. This could be playing guitar, swimming, running, walking, gardening, or even hugging trees—whatever works for you.

- Ear protection: Avoid construction zones, loud movies, and sirens. If you have to fly, consider using noise-canceling headphones.

- Treble Health: While I'm not a huge fan of their promises to "cure" tinnitus, they do offer online support groups and provide combined hearing aids with pink noise options. I worked with an audiologist named Tracy who was honest, listened, and offered sensible suggestions. Just don't buy into the hype of guaranteed cures; focus on the support aspect.

- Prednisone: Since it's been a month, prednisone may not be as effective, as it works best within days of symptom onset. However, it might still be worth discussing with a doctor. Be prepared that many ENTs have limited knowledge about tinnitus and hyperacusis, so don't expect too much from them.

Lastly, read some of the success stories on forums like Tinnitus Talk. You are in one of the most difficult and shocking stages, but the hypervigilance and overdrive you're feeling now will likely calm down. As that happens, you may see improvement.

It can get better.

 

[PeteJ]

I get pain from earplugs, too. I think it's all related to TMD/TMJ. You mentioned in your other post you were going to see an ENT in another city, but you might want to see a TMD/TMJ specialist.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I've been to my general physician, dentist, and now an ENT, but none of them will refer me to anyone who can actually help.

I've been reading posts on here about assisted dying. In Canada, it's called MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying). I've been thinking about talking to my doctor about it—not necessarily to pursue it right now, but just to tell them I've been thinking about it because my tinnitus is so severe. It's reached the point where I might want to consider it someday.

I'm on disability, and in Canada, the system constantly feels like it's working against you. Every couple of years, they reevaluate unless they decide you have a permanent disability. And as many people on here know, the government doesn't take tinnitus seriously. They don't consider it disabling; they treat it like a psychological issue.

I feel like I need to tell them how bad it is, that I've thought about taking my own life, and how I avoid noise constantly. I don't go outside much because of it. I just don't know how to say it in a way that will make them take me seriously.

I was hoping someone here could help me figure out what to say to my doctor. I need to make sure it's included in my report because I always forget things when I'm in the moment. You'd think I could just ramble on about everything, but all I manage to say is, "My tinnitus is so loud!" I need to explain how much it affects my daily life—that I try to avoid noise every single day but it's impossible, especially when I can't afford to choose where I live. I can't move to a quieter, rural area.

On top of the tinnitus, I also get frequent ear pain, which makes everything even harder to manage. It's unbearable at times.

I'm not religious, and I'm afraid of dying, but I don't see any other alternatives. I think it's sad and pathetic that the government seems to have done a complete turnaround—they're now willing to let people choose assisted dying, not because they care about being humane but because they don't want to pay for us anymore. At least, that's how it feels to me.

Sorry if this comes across as negative or rambling. I just don't know what else to do.

 

[ccpjc]

I want to repeat my advice to you: stop trying to find a cure, supplement, surgery, pill, or anything else to fix this. Just stop and do nothing for now. Instead, try to grit your teeth and bear it. Your wife and kids need you to be strong.

It will be tough for a while, no doubt, but things might eventually get better. If you give up, you will never know. Fight to stay alive. You are stronger than you think.

I stopped taking all supplements after last week's incident, where I triggered somatic and reactive tinnitus. I'm hoping it calms down soon, as these are significantly worse than my usual tinnitus.

The only exception is omega-3, which I've been taking for many years.

Many of us here have been through absolute hell when we first developed tinnitus or hyperacusis. Mine was so severe that I lost a significant amount of weight, couldn't eat, and couldn't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I cried a lot and felt completely hopeless.

What you are experiencing could very well be a crisis stage that you can make it through. I've gone from total catastrophe—unable to drive, sleep, eat, go to the supermarket, or even take a walk if it was too sunny—to days that now range from mild to severe. My quality of life has improved from nearly zero to about 5 or 6 out of 10.

Here are some suggestions that may help:

- Sound therapy: Use your phone to play soothing sounds, like ocean waves or other calming noises.

- Hearing aids with pink noise: These can help take the edge off. For example, they can move your distress from a 9 out of 10 to an 8 out of 10. It's a small difference but still significant. Sometimes, sleeping with them in can make the next day a little better.

- Sleep aids: Try valerian and melatonin for sleep. If you're really struggling, consider asking your GP about Klonopin as an off-label treatment. I use 1 mg about an hour before bedtime.

- Ayurvedic techniques: Calm your nervous system with alternate nostril breathing and reduce caffeine intake to improve your sleep. Massage your scalp and the soles of your feet with Vata oil (or sesame oil if that's easier to find). In colder months, eat warm and soothing foods like hot cereal for breakfast or soups for meals. Avoid too much sugar, but treat yourself occasionally.

- Acupuncture: While helpful for some, it can be challenging to find a skilled acupuncturist. I tried six before finding one who made a difference.

- Craniosacral therapy: This may be worth exploring. You can search for a therapist through the Upledger Institute's website.

- Communication with your spouse: Speak openly with your wife about what you're going through. She might be shutting down because she doesn't fully understand the severity of your situation and assumes it's just a matter of willpower. Ask her to read some posts on forums like this one, and let her know you want to work together to navigate this. She's likely overwhelmed with the thought of losing you, and while you may not be in a position to reassure her right now, you can suggest learning and sharing information together.

- Flow activities: Find an activity that engages your whole body and helps you focus. This could be playing guitar, swimming, running, walking, gardening, or even hugging trees—whatever works for you.

- Ear protection: Avoid construction zones, loud movies, and sirens. If you have to fly, consider using noise-canceling headphones.

- Treble Health: While I'm not a huge fan of their promises to "cure" tinnitus, they do offer online support groups and provide combined hearing aids with pink noise options. I worked with an audiologist named Tracy who was honest, listened, and offered sensible suggestions. Just don't buy into the hype of guaranteed cures; focus on the support aspect.

- Prednisone: Since it's been a month, prednisone may not be as effective, as it works best within days of symptom onset. However, it might still be worth discussing with a doctor. Be prepared that many ENTs have limited knowledge about tinnitus and hyperacusis, so don't expect too much from them.

Lastly, read some of the success stories on forums like Tinnitus Talk. You are in one of the most difficult and shocking stages, but the hypervigilance and overdrive you're feeling now will likely calm down. As that happens, you may see improvement.

It can get better.

Yesterday, I went for a massage with acupuncture, as my wife read it could help. My neck and back have been quite stiff lately. The massage ended up including some deep tissue work because the therapist said I was incredibly tense.

The acupuncture itself was fine. If it weren't for the relentless tinnitus, I might have even fallen asleep during the session.

Afterwards, I actually felt a bit more energetic than usual, which is rare since developing tinnitus. Even my wife noticed a difference in my energy levels. However, my tinnitus was screaming all night, making it impossible to sleep. Masking sounds offered little relief. On the upside, I did notice that using my AirPods significantly reduced the somatic tinnitus while I had them on.

 

[Tweaker]

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

My situation was similar. I was 39 years old with two children, aged 3 and 6, when my tinnitus became chronic. I was a complete suicidal wreck for several weeks. I'm now 54, so keep going—you will get better at coping. It's amazing how the mind can adapt.

I still have ups and downs, and trust me, my tinnitus is very severe, with multiple loud noises. I also had terrible hyperacusis, but that has become less bothersome over time. Those who don't suffer from this affliction cannot truly understand it, but I found a support group to be very helpful.

Don't give up. Take it one day at a time. It might heal, or you will adapt. My only advice is to try not to long for your old life or become desperate for a cure, as that only makes it harder to come to terms with living with it. I have to keep reminding myself of this as well.

 

[ccpjc]

My situation was similar. I was 39 years old with two children, aged 3 and 6, when my tinnitus became chronic. I was a complete suicidal wreck for several weeks. I'm now 54, so keep going—you will get better at coping. It's amazing how the mind can adapt.

I still have ups and downs, and trust me, my tinnitus is very severe, with multiple loud noises. I also had terrible hyperacusis, but that has become less bothersome over time. Those who don't suffer from this affliction cannot truly understand it, but I found a support group to be very helpful.

Don't give up. Take it one day at a time. It might heal, or you will adapt. My only advice is to try not to long for your old life or become desperate for a cure, as that only makes it harder to come to terms with living with it. I have to keep reminding myself of this as well.

Thank you for sharing your story. My family truly means everything to me. I don't really have much else in my life besides them, so having these thoughts is beyond comprehension.

May I ask how you found the strength to keep fighting to stay alive? It might be a silly question, but as you mentioned, it's hard to relate unless someone has experienced this affliction.

My wife has come back around. Perhaps her distancing herself was what brought me back to a somewhat 'saner' mindset. However, the fears of tomorrow remain overwhelming.

 

[captain macarena]

Hang in there! During the first couple of months after I got tinnitus, I was a complete wreck. I had dark thoughts and struggled to see how I could deal with it in the long term.

Now, seven months in, I've learned how to keep myself distracted during the day, though nights are still brutal. To help me habituate, I needed to believe that there are companies committed to developing meaningful treatments. I'm not sure how long it will take, but I'm hopeful that one day there will be real breakthroughs—and I hope I'm around to see them.

Advances in AI and quantum computing will likely accelerate these efforts. I created the attached resource to give myself some hope. Maybe it will help others feel a little hopeful too.

 

[slc]

I stopped taking all supplements after last week's incident, where I triggered somatic and reactive tinnitus. I'm hoping it calms down soon, as these are significantly worse than my usual tinnitus.

The only exception is omega-3, which I've been taking for many years.

Yesterday, I went for a massage with acupuncture, as my wife read it could help. My neck and back have been quite stiff lately. The massage ended up including some deep tissue work because the therapist said I was incredibly tense.

The acupuncture itself was fine. If it weren't for the relentless tinnitus, I might have even fallen asleep during the session.

Afterwards, I actually felt a bit more energetic than usual, which is rare since developing tinnitus. Even my wife noticed a difference in my energy levels. However, my tinnitus was screaming all night, making it impossible to sleep. Masking sounds offered little relief. On the upside, I did notice that using my AirPods significantly reduced the somatic tinnitus while I had them on.

Massage is an excellent idea. I also got a massage, and it helped relieve stress and tension.

Reaching out to this forum, taking steps like getting acupuncture with massage, and connecting with your wife are all great to hear. For many people who experience tinnitus and hyperacusis, the initial phase of intense anxiety and severe emotional stress does improve over time. Once your body begins to calm down, it's possible that the tinnitus may lessen, and you'll feel better equipped to manage it.

 

[Tweaker]

Thank you for sharing your story. My family truly means everything to me. I don't really have much else in my life besides them, so having these thoughts is beyond comprehension.

May I ask how you found the strength to keep fighting to stay alive? It might be a silly question, but as you mentioned, it's hard to relate unless someone has experienced this affliction.

My wife has come back around. Perhaps her distancing herself was what brought me back to a somewhat 'saner' mindset. However, the fears of tomorrow remain overwhelming.

I found an audiologist who was really helpful at the time. They checked my hearing and provided counseling, which made a big difference. During the worst period, when I wasn't getting any sleep, I took sleeping tablets to help me through. Speaking with others and attending a support group also helped a lot. I made it a habit to walk outdoors frequently, and I still do. Over time, I've started to adapt, although it still affects me badly at times. I never underestimate how challenging it can be, but I encourage you to give yourself time.

 

[jjflyman]

I'm nearing 1 month since I experienced severe acoustic trauma; the tinnitus has been relentless and has become progressively worse as the weeks pass. I'm now contemplating medical-assisted suicide. I confided in my wife, and while she hoped that I wouldn't, she came to the understanding of where I was.

I googled, searched, and read success stories of people who made things better with supplements, and I tried taking lion's mane for a week but then got put on antibiotics, so I stopped for any interaction concerns. Then, on Sunday and Monday (4/5 days ago) night, to try and reduce inflammation and heal things, as my ear still suffered pain and pressure, I took a combination of NAC, Taurine, and Advil shortly before taking my amoxicillin. Now I realize the magnitude of my error; even though I checked and checked for any interactions, I guess I'm just that magical unicorn who can't catch a break. Everything I do only seems to worsen things; I'm cursed.

What followed was my tinnitus changing for the worse. It became central tinnitus, and even worse, it became reactive; any noise causes a sharp increase in sound intensity. Any movement, including talking, eating, sniffling, and tensing my muscles, causes the sounds to spike.

This isn't living anymore; I can't take this. I reached out to a local company that deals with tinnitus and got told to go away as my tinnitus isn't considered chronic. I told them I was in a dark place and needed any support and help, to which I was ignored.

After reading Reddit subs, Facebook groups, and these online communities, I have no hope for the future.

Today, when I woke up, I was mentally broke; I no longer feared death in the sense I had before. I spoke with a counselor yesterday who said it is normal for the brain to think about death in extreme situations but offered no other guidance or suggestions. I'm 40 and have been terrified of death as long as I can remember, but now the thoughts of living with this torment another day are overwhelming and overpowering. Who knew at 40 I would want to die? I had hopes and dreams of getting old with my wife and seeing our kids grow and be successful, but I can't imagine a tomorrow anymore.

My family… the thoughts of leaving them are crushing, especially when they're still kids, but the torment of this, this hell, I can't take it anymore; I can't imagine people who live with this for years. There's no way that they have it as severe as I do, else they wouldn't be living like they do.

And there's no fix, pill, surgery, or anything that can help. Even if there was, I don't believe the damage I've done is fixable, and I live in a country that would never see these treatments in my lifetime even if they came out thanks Canada…

...maybe if it was still isolated to my ear, but it's changed and for the worse.

I've begged, prayed, cried, and pleaded for this to stop, but it doesn't. It's unrelenting. It's torture.

I wrote my goodbye letter today; it crushed me; I cried harder than I'd ever before, and I screamed and yelled in such agony at the thoughts of no longer being here, seeing my family. Missing out on their growth, my youngest is five and is so incredibly attached to me; I don't know what will happen to her, and I don't know what will happen to my eldest or my wife. But this pain and torment is beyond anything I've ever thought I would have to go through.

I see that your tinnitus was caused by acoustic trauma. It seems to be only a month or so old, so here are some important facts:

Most tinnitus caused by acoustic trauma fades over time, typically within 6 to 18 months. In many cases, it fades completely. No matter how loud it seems today or how overwhelming the ear pain, fullness, and sensitivity to noise may feel, it will improve over time. Trust me—I've been there. It will get better, and you will regain your life.

This will likely be one of the toughest journeys of your life, but what you're experiencing now will not be the same in 6, 12, or 18 months. Healing is slow, but it will happen. Be patient, give yourself plenty of time, and make ear protection a lifelong priority.

 

[ccpjc]

I see that your tinnitus was caused by acoustic trauma. It seems to be only a month or so old, so here are some important facts:

Most tinnitus caused by acoustic trauma fades over time, typically within 6 to 18 months. In many cases, it fades completely. No matter how loud it seems today or how overwhelming the ear pain, fullness, and sensitivity to noise may feel, it will improve over time. Trust me—I've been there. It will get better, and you will regain your life.

This will likely be one of the toughest journeys of your life, but what you're experiencing now will not be the same in 6, 12, or 18 months. Healing is slow, but it will happen. Be patient, give yourself plenty of time, and make ear protection a lifelong priority.

Unfortunately, my life has taken another downturn. On Tuesday, I was exposed to a very loud noise I wasn't prepared for, which caused a relapse of my symptoms. In response, I took NAC that same day to help with the inflammation. Sadly, the NAC has made things even worse. Now, I'm experiencing different tones, including one I can't seem to mask.

I deeply regret taking the NAC. I was just trying to help and thought it would be okay since so many articles suggest it can be beneficial after loud noise exposure.

While I don't feel suicidal, I'm experiencing deep lows again. My sleep is nonexistent, and the tinnitus is screaming once more. This is incredibly challenging.

I thought I might have been getting better, but now I'm terrified that the loud noise and the NAC may have set me back to a point where healing feels impossible.

 

[gracepixie]

@ccpjc Hold up. Have you tried taking any anti anxiety or anti depressant meds? I know there are a lot of people on this forum that are against meds, but klonopin definitely reduces the loudness of tinnitus for a day or two. I'm going on three months since my T started after I had sudden hearing loss in high frequencies. I couldn't even get out of bed for the first two months. While I still have a long way to go, I don't feel like I've exhausted all my options yet, so how could you? There ARE meds that bring down the sound for some people. Before you even think of S, you should try these things. Especially if you have kids! I went on 37.5mg Effexor last month and I think it changed the tone from an ear-splitting glass cutting sound to a (dare I say it) semi-pleasant rain stick sound. I'm having many more good days than bad, and feel like I have more control over my T. I am switching to Paxil today, as the side effects of Effexor aren't my favorite, and Paxil has also been used in Dr. Djalilian's protocol to help tame T with hyperacusis. 37.5mg Effexor isn't enough to help anxiety, so I'm switching to a dose of Paxil that's also helpful for anxiety and depression. My hope is that I will feel stable enough on Paxil to get through the day without Klonopin, and give my mind time to get used to this new noise. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Slow down and take a look at all the things you can try.

 

[ccpjc]

@ccpjc Hold up. Have you tried taking any anti anxiety or anti depressant meds? I know there are a lot of people on this forum that are against meds, but klonopin definitely reduces the loudness of tinnitus for a day or two. I'm going on three months since my T started after I had sudden hearing loss in high frequencies. I couldn't even get out of bed for the first two months. While I still have a long way to go, I don't feel like I've exhausted all my options yet, so how could you? There ARE meds that bring down the sound for some people. Before you even think of S, you should try these things. Especially if you have kids! I went on 37.5mg Effexor last month and I think it changed the tone from an ear-splitting glass cutting sound to a (dare I say it) semi-pleasant rain stick sound. I'm having many more good days than bad, and feel like I have more control over my T. I am switching to Paxil today, as the side effects of Effexor aren't my favorite, and Paxil has also been used in Dr. Djalilian's protocol to help tame T with hyperacusis. 37.5mg Effexor isn't enough to help anxiety, so I'm switching to a dose of Paxil that's also helpful for anxiety and depression. My hope is that I will feel stable enough on Paxil to get through the day without Klonopin, and give my mind time to get used to this new noise. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Slow down and take a look at all the things you can try.

I asked my doctor to consider prescribing clonazepam, as I've read that it can help some people. However, she's hesitant due to the nature of that class of drugs. I do have a prescription for Ativan, but it doesn't seem to help with my tinnitus. I also have a prescription for Zoloft sitting in my medicine cupboard, but I've been reluctant to take it.

For what it's worth, I'm feeling less suicidal right now—just more hopeless. On Tuesday, I was having a low tinnitus day, but then I was exposed to a loud noise. I took NAC as a recovery medication, only to find out that it reacts extremely poorly for me. Since then, both the noise exposure and the reaction to NAC have caused me to spiral downward again. Thankfully, I'm not at the suicidal level this time.

I'm truly hoping I can get back to my low tinnitus day from Tuesday. I pray, hope, and pray some more. I would be forever grateful to be free of tinnitus, just like so many others. My wife is trying to encourage me and stay positive; she's truly my support system.

 

[jjflyman]

Unfortunately, my life has taken another downturn. On Tuesday, I was exposed to a very loud noise I wasn't prepared for, which caused a relapse of my symptoms. In response, I took NAC that same day to help with the inflammation. Sadly, the NAC has made things even worse. Now, I'm experiencing different tones, including one I can't seem to mask.

I deeply regret taking the NAC. I was just trying to help and thought it would be okay since so many articles suggest it can be beneficial after loud noise exposure.

While I don't feel suicidal, I'm experiencing deep lows again. My sleep is nonexistent, and the tinnitus is screaming once more. This is incredibly challenging.

I thought I might have been getting better, but now I'm terrified that the loud noise and the NAC may have set me back to a point where healing feels impossible.

There are many ways people develop tinnitus: head injuries, medications, infections, acoustic trauma, etc. Among these, acoustic trauma is probably the most common cause, but it also offers the best chances for recovery.

If I could share any advice from my experience with acoustic trauma-related tinnitus, it would be this: things will improve with time. You might not notice changes day by day, but small improvements will become apparent over weeks and months. To track progress, I kept a journal where I described the sounds I was hearing. This helped me recognize improvements, as it can be hard to remember what you were hearing a month or two ago, especially as the sounds evolve and fade.

I recommend avoiding antidepressants, as some can actually cause tinnitus. Additionally, I strongly advise against letting an ENT perform procedures like micro-suction on your ears. Instead, allow your body to heal naturally. It may take up to two years, but there's a very high probability that you will mostly or even fully recover.

Going forward, it's crucial to protect your ears. Once they heal and your tinnitus fades, your ears may be more susceptible to further trauma. Taking precautions to avoid another injury is essential for maintaining your recovery.

 

[slc]

I asked my doctor to consider prescribing clonazepam, as I've read that it can help some people. However, she's hesitant due to the nature of that class of drugs. I do have a prescription for Ativan, but it doesn't seem to help with my tinnitus. I also have a prescription for Zoloft sitting in my medicine cupboard, but I've been reluctant to take it.

For what it's worth, I'm feeling less suicidal right now—just more hopeless. On Tuesday, I was having a low tinnitus day, but then I was exposed to a loud noise. I took NAC as a recovery medication, only to find out that it reacts extremely poorly for me. Since then, both the noise exposure and the reaction to NAC have caused me to spiral downward again. Thankfully, I'm not at the suicidal level this time.

I'm truly hoping I can get back to my low tinnitus day from Tuesday. I pray, hope, and pray some more. I would be forever grateful to be free of tinnitus, just like so many others. My wife is trying to encourage me and stay positive; she's truly my support system.

Keep in mind that a general practitioner (GP), ENT, neurologist, or psychopharmacologist is qualified to prescribe Clonazepam. I had a good relationship with my neurologist, who prescribed Gabapentin for me based on a study suggesting synergistic efficacy when combined with Clonazepam. My ENT had already prescribed Clonazepam.

It may be helpful to consult an ENT or another specialist with experience prescribing Clonazepam. In other words, don't hesitate to seek a second opinion if you feel it would be beneficial.

 

[Daniel Lion]

I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I've been to my general physician, dentist, and now an ENT, but none of them will refer me to anyone who can actually help.

I've been reading posts on here about assisted dying. In Canada, it's called MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying). I've been thinking about talking to my doctor about it—not necessarily to pursue it right now, but just to tell them I've been thinking about it because my tinnitus is so severe. It's reached the point where I might want to consider it someday.

I'm on disability, and in Canada, the system constantly feels like it's working against you. Every couple of years, they reevaluate unless they decide you have a permanent disability. And as many people on here know, the government doesn't take tinnitus seriously. They don't consider it disabling; they treat it like a psychological issue.

I feel like I need to tell them how bad it is, that I've thought about taking my own life, and how I avoid noise constantly. I don't go outside much because of it. I just don't know how to say it in a way that will make them take me seriously.

I was hoping someone here could help me figure out what to say to my doctor. I need to make sure it's included in my report because I always forget things when I'm in the moment. You'd think I could just ramble on about everything, but all I manage to say is, "My tinnitus is so loud!" I need to explain how much it affects my daily life—that I try to avoid noise every single day but it's impossible, especially when I can't afford to choose where I live. I can't move to a quieter, rural area.

On top of the tinnitus, I also get frequent ear pain, which makes everything even harder to manage. It's unbearable at times.

I'm not religious, and I'm afraid of dying, but I don't see any other alternatives. I think it's sad and pathetic that the government seems to have done a complete turnaround—they're now willing to let people choose assisted dying, not because they care about being humane but because they don't want to pay for us anymore. At least, that's how it feels to me.

Sorry if this comes across as negative or rambling. I just don't know what else to do.

Here's a suggestion regarding discussing your condition and disability status with your doctor. Write down your symptoms as you described them:

• Inner ear pain and a burning sensation that is debilitating.
• Inability to go outside due to extreme sound sensitivity, which makes noise physically painful.
• Suicidal thoughts caused by the constant pain originating from your inner ear due to severe nerve damage.
• Acknowledgment that you are handicapped and unable to function like others, with a disability that is invisible because it stems from inner ear and potential brain damage.

Does this help? I'm glad you're receiving some support. I wish I could get some too, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Take care, buddy.

I asked my doctor to consider prescribing clonazepam, as I've read that it can help some people. However, she's hesitant due to the nature of that class of drugs. I do have a prescription for Ativan, but it doesn't seem to help with my tinnitus. I also have a prescription for Zoloft sitting in my medicine cupboard, but I've been reluctant to take it.

For what it's worth, I'm feeling less suicidal right now—just more hopeless. On Tuesday, I was having a low tinnitus day, but then I was exposed to a loud noise. I took NAC as a recovery medication, only to find out that it reacts extremely poorly for me. Since then, both the noise exposure and the reaction to NAC have caused me to spiral downward again. Thankfully, I'm not at the suicidal level this time.

I'm truly hoping I can get back to my low tinnitus day from Tuesday. I pray, hope, and pray some more. I would be forever grateful to be free of tinnitus, just like so many others. My wife is trying to encourage me and stay positive; she's truly my support system.

I'm sorry you're here. My name is Daniel, and I'm also a dad, just like you.

Take it one day at a time, my friend, and hang on tight. Try to do whatever helps you get through these early stages. Get head massages from your partner, take hot baths, exercise, and use whatever tools you need—even medication if it helps. Sometimes, anything that buys you time is worth considering in the beginning.

Remember, the brain is plastic, and there's a concept called neuroplasticity. This is important to keep in mind as you move forward.

If you feel you need a benzodiazepine, advocate for it. While they are risky, they can sometimes be a helpful tool for managing tinnitus.

This isn't easy, but you're not alone. We're here for you.

 

[ccpjc]

Keep in mind that a general practitioner (GP), ENT, neurologist, or psychopharmacologist is qualified to prescribe Clonazepam. I had a good relationship with my neurologist, who prescribed Gabapentin for me based on a study suggesting synergistic efficacy when combined with Clonazepam. My ENT had already prescribed Clonazepam.

It may be helpful to consult an ENT or another specialist with experience prescribing Clonazepam. In other words, don't hesitate to seek a second opinion if you feel it would be beneficial.

Unfortunately, I don't live in a country where I can get to those services without a referral, so I'm left with my family doctor. However, she is more open to things lately but still is cautious, which I can appreciate.

There are many ways people develop tinnitus: head injuries, medications, infections, acoustic trauma, etc. Among these, acoustic trauma is probably the most common cause, but it also offers the best chances for recovery.

If I could share any advice from my experience with acoustic trauma-related tinnitus, it would be this: things will improve with time. You might not notice changes day by day, but small improvements will become apparent over weeks and months. To track progress, I kept a journal where I described the sounds I was hearing. This helped me recognize improvements, as it can be hard to remember what you were hearing a month or two ago, especially as the sounds evolve and fade.

I recommend avoiding antidepressants, as some can actually cause tinnitus. Additionally, I strongly advise against letting an ENT perform procedures like micro-suction on your ears. Instead, allow your body to heal naturally. It may take up to two years, but there's a very high probability that you will mostly or even fully recover.

Going forward, it's crucial to protect your ears. Once they heal and your tinnitus fades, your ears may be more susceptible to further trauma. Taking precautions to avoid another injury is essential for maintaining your recovery.

I'm hoping the NAC hasn't caused damage, as I've read other people reporting that it caused and/or worsened their tinnitus.

 

[jjflyman]

I'm hoping the NAC hasn't caused damage, as I've read other people reporting that it caused and/or worsened their tinnitus.

NAC is not ototoxic and won't cause lasting damage. Hang in there, it will get better in time.

 

[ccpjc]

NAC is not ototoxic and won't cause lasting damage. Hang in there, it will get better in time.

Unfortunately, when I took a combination of NAC, Taurine, and Advil last week, something changed in my head. It triggered somatic and reactive tinnitus. Sounds that used to comfort me now spike my tinnitus, making life feel like a new kind of hell—one that I'm learning can actually get worse. While I'm not feeling suicidal, I just don't have any hope for tomorrow.

The tone in my right ear changed after the recent NAC and noise exposure. It's now a little less high-pitched, but the bigger challenge is that I can't seem to mask it properly anymore.

When my tinnitus spikes, it feels like central tinnitus with a rattling sensation. Additionally, my left ear has been noticeably different since my last dose of NAC.

I'm praying this passes because it's severely degrading my quality of life. I would gladly return to the tinnitus I had 1.5 weeks ago over this new evolution.

 

[PeteJ]

Here's a suggestion regarding discussing your condition and disability status with your doctor. Write down your symptoms as you described them:

• Inner ear pain and a burning sensation that is debilitating.
• Inability to go outside due to extreme sound sensitivity, which makes noise physically painful.
• Suicidal thoughts caused by the constant pain originating from your inner ear due to severe nerve damage.
• Acknowledgment that you are handicapped and unable to function like others, with a disability that is invisible because it stems from inner ear and potential brain damage.

Does this help? I'm glad you're receiving some support. I wish I could get some too, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Take care, buddy.

I'm sorry you're here. My name is Daniel, and I'm also a dad, just like you.

Take it one day at a time, my friend, and hang on tight. Try to do whatever helps you get through these early stages. Get head massages from your partner, take hot baths, exercise, and use whatever tools you need—even medication if it helps. Sometimes, anything that buys you time is worth considering in the beginning.

Remember, the brain is plastic, and there's a concept called neuroplasticity. This is important to keep in mind as you move forward.

If you feel you need a benzodiazepine, advocate for it. While they are risky, they can sometimes be a helpful tool for managing tinnitus.

This isn't easy, but you're not alone. We're here for you.

I'm having a hard time concentrating. I'm supposed to describe how my condition affects my daily life, what a typical day is like, and why I can't work. I try to write it down, but when I share it with someone, they tell me it's not good enough or lacks detail. Huh?! What exactly am I supposed to write? I thought I had already done that—haven't my posts here over the years illustrated it enough?

I live in a loud area, and I'm pretty sure that's made things worse. If you remember my initial posts here from years ago, my tinnitus used to fluctuate. Now, it never does—it's constant. Isn't that from further hearing damage, or is this just a typical worsening for some people?

As far as I know, disability in most countries—at least in Western countries—doesn't recognize tinnitus as a disability. I've read discussions and reports suggesting that it might be considered in some cases, like for military veterans. But even then, it seems like tinnitus is accepted as part of broader mental health issues, such as PTSD, rather than being recognized on its own. Veterans seem to get more weight in these cases, but obviously, I'm not one of them.

I currently receive disability for depression and anxiety. I've been focusing on how those conditions, along with my tinnitus and ear pain, affect me. The ear pain is both from loud noises and an unexplained cause—it often accompanies tinnitus spikes. The ringing in my ears has always been loud, but now that it no longer fluctuates, I have no good days. I used to have brief periods of relief when it first started years ago, but those are completely gone.

I've been writing about how I constantly feel suicidal—or have suicidal ideation, as it's called. It's this thought that death would be the only escape from the ringing, the only way to not "hear" it or even be aware of it. Sleep is my only refuge, but I've even had dreams where I'm aware of my tinnitus, and that was so awful I can't bear the thought of experiencing it again.

I wear earplugs constantly, keep the TV on low volume with subtitles, and isolate myself in my apartment. I rarely go out. Even though I want to socialize, I can't. When I do leave the house, I use my car to muffle sounds somewhat. Walking around with traffic and other noises everywhere makes me feel paranoid and scared. If I have to go out for appointments or shopping, it's overwhelming.

Isn't that enough to describe my typical day? My days are boring and dreadful—nothing happens except trying to avoid noise, which is impossible. Why are people saying I'm not describing a typical day?

Anyway, I just wanted to say you've had some good ideas for me before, but I'm struggling to write what I need for my report—my self-report or medical review.

 

[object16]

I am either lucky or unlucky, or maybe both. Anyway, I was in extremely dire straits about ten years ago. Back then, I happened to know a physician from years before, when I lived in the same area 30 years earlier. He was an intern at that time. He prescribed Clonazepam for me, which I took for a few weeks before discontinuing because it started making me feel a bit loopy.

Over time, my condition has progressively worsened. I admit I tend to overprotect my hearing, but so what? A few times, I have pushed medications like Quetiapine, Tegretol, and Mirtazapine to the point of toxicity, and that was terrifying every single time. I also had a frightening experience driving impaired on Clonazepam once. Let me be clear: never do that. It is incredibly dangerous.

Imovane is another medication I have used. While it is a good emergency med, it can increase the risk of motor vehicle accidents if misused. And while Opioids are extremely dangerous and addictive, Clonazepam, though considered addictive, is nowhere near as hazardous in comparison.

A friend's father, who lived in Vietnam, used to smoke Opium daily without issue. Obviously, we do not live in Vietnam, and we do not want visits from the DEA or a stint in jail.

For me, I try to cope with sound therapy. I use it constantly. Pink noise, rainfall CDs, and Enya soundtracks play all the time, everywhere. Recently, I started using CBG, CBD, and CBDV in their pure forms, which are accessible without a prescription in some places. There is debate about their effects. Some say they help, and some say they worsen things, but I have been using them for four months now. Their effects are subtle, but I do find my coping has improved.

What is helping the most—Cannabinoids, pharmaceuticals, sound therapy, or time? I do not know. But I hold onto the thought that tomorrow might be a better day.

It has been tough, though. I have been suicidal more times than I can count. But each person's journey is different, and the best advice I can offer is to take things one day at a time. If you made it through yesterday, you can make it through today.

I understand how it feels when things like TRT do not work and the tinnitus just keeps getting louder. But I believe in the brain's ability to rewire itself. It may feel like forever, but every day brings you one step closer. Whether it takes weeks, months, years, or decades, that day could still come.

I have been gradually cutting back on medications lately, and somehow, I am managing. Does that make me a success? Maybe. If you are here today, you are a success too. It does not feel like it; it feels like despair. It is despair.

But everything you have done is remarkable. You are an inspiration, even if it does not feel like it. You are not a failure, no matter how it turns out. My advice? Keep believing. Tomorrow might be a better day.

Take it from someone who has been there; crying every night until the tears run dry, until crying does not even accomplish anything anymore. You give up on the tears, but eventually, a day comes when you realize you are actually coping.

All I can do is send you a hug, man. Really.

 

[streifzug]

Trigger Warning: Benzodiazepines and Mental Health Struggles

I haven't posted in a long time, and unfortunately, I only have the worst news to share. I think I really need some support right now.

Last year, I failed to taper off Clonazepam (0.5 mg). It was a very slow taper, reducing by 5% per month. I managed to get down to 0.3 mg, but that is when everything spiraled out of control. The tinnitus became so unbearable at 0.3 mg that I paused the taper, hoping things would stabilize. But instead, it just kept worsening. I waited it out for two agonizing months, convincing myself it had to get better eventually. When it became clear that it would not, I went to the emergency room and reinstated 0.5 mg of Clonazepam.

Reinstating did not help the way I had hoped. In fact, I ended up much worse off than before I started the taper. That broke me completely—but things got even worse afterward.

I began psychiatric and psychological home treatment, hoping that my worsening tinnitus would slow down or stabilize at some point. It never did. Over the past six months, the longest period of relative stability lasted only two to three weeks. In November last year, it worsened four separate times in one month, for no apparent reason. I cannot make sense of what is happening to me.

My tinnitus is now four years old. I have been on benzodiazepines for two years, and for about a year now, I have been living in hell. I have suffered so much, and I feel I am at my absolute limit. This feels like the end for me.

One of the worst parts of this suffering is that there is hardly anything left to enjoy or distract me. I wake up to the sound of the tinnitus, and the suffering begins immediately, continuing until I go to bed. It completely consumes me. I cannot watch or focus on television. I cannot play games, draw, or engage in sound therapy. I am too stressed to even go for walks in the forest, something I used to love.

I cannot think or talk about anything else anymore. My mind obsesses over all the mistakes I made that led me to this point. I cannot forgive myself for starting Clonazepam daily two years ago. I was always so careful about medications and supplements, researching everything, but that one time I messed up because it helped so much at first. Now I feel like I am losing this fight, and there is nothing left to try. No one seems able to help me. It feels like I am a freak medical case with no answers, no solutions, and no hope. I feel destined to end my life.

I am also living with schizophrenia and take Clozapine. I know how medications can affect the brain, and I wonder if the constant worsening is related to brain plasticity issues, the anticholinergic burden of these meds, or some pre-existing brain damage. Maybe it is the way these medications interact with each other. I do not know, and neither do the doctors from the home treatment team. I even saw a specialist in Berlin, but all she said was that other people take Clonazepam too. She is not a psychiatrist and could not help me with the issue.

When my tinnitus was bad during the first two years, I would cry occasionally but always managed to get back up and keep going. Now, when I cry, it is like someone dying—absolutely hopeless and desperate. I find myself crawling on the floor, begging for mercy for what feels like hours, thinking only of my family and my cruel fate.

Is this it? Is this how it ends?