Suicidal

[StrugglinMarin]

I'm so sorry to hear this, @eldudebro. While knowing that you are eligible for assisted dying might provide some solace in the back of your mind, it's still a difficult and heavy reality to face.

I'm no stranger to long-term suffering from chronic illness, compounded by the debilitating tinnitus I've been dealing with for the past six months. During my worst bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, my dad helped pull me through by reminding me of something simple yet powerful: if there are even 15 minutes in a day when you can enjoy something—whether it's a movie, a series, music, exercise, or anything else—then it's worth holding on. He emphasized that death is the end of everything, both bad and good. It's also the end of you and any chance to change your circumstances for the better.

I believe many people who suffer deeply don't necessarily want to die; they just don't want to keep living in the ways they are currently. In my case, one of my other health challenges eventually improved with medication, which made me grateful I didn't end my life earlier. But now, 20 years later, I find myself in another dark place. I feel like I've been through enough and carried more than my share. I wouldn't mind if my plane crashed tomorrow.

Even so, I hold out hope—for you, for others, and for myself—that there are still things in life worth enjoying, things that can make it worthwhile to keep going. So please, keep fighting. You're not alone in this.

 

[Juliane]

I'm really struggling the fight desire to kill myself. The world is so fucked up. I won't want to endure it any longer. I'm just so tired, and it's only going to get more difficult from here.

Please do not let the terrible world situation get you down (easier said than done). We need you in this world. I feel like you every day, so not just empty words from me. I struggle with suicidal thoughts again due to a horrible tinnitus spike. And the election did not make things better. The world is headed in a horrible direction on so many levels, but we have to believe things might still improve. Big hug.

Hey everyone,

I developed tinnitus 2.5 months ago, and it has completely derailed my life. I'm struggling intensely with suicidal thoughts. I can't sleep, I can't focus, and I can't work. I have a therapist, but it hasn't helped with my suicidal ideation. The intrusive noise is constant and overwhelming.

I'm only 24 years old, and I got tinnitus after my first-ever concert, even though I was wearing ear protection. I don't know what to do. Before all of this, I had plans and projects, but now I'm crippled by tinnitus and debilitating hyperacusis.

It's been three months, and things haven't improved much. I've never felt this level of despair. I'm seeking professional therapy, but it hasn't been very helpful.

I'm in extreme distress. I've been in a psychiatric ward for two weeks, but it didn't change anything.

I have moderate hyperacusis and noxacusis. I tried to return to work, but it was just too noisy—a two-hour drive followed by noise all day long. I can't handle it.

I am so sorry and feel your pain as I am living in the same nightmare. I can't believe it is still legal to charge people for going to "concerts" that ruin their hearing. Only deeply unmusical imbeciles would call noise like that "music." It makes me so angry. There should be serious legal consequences for organizing such concerts. We should all sue the hell out of bands and concert organizers.

 

[Chandler]

I'm so tired. I'm sick of this loop.

 

[slc]

After over ten years of living with this condition and a dramatic worsening in 2022, plus some added hyperacusis, I did the unthinkable: I reached out to an assisted dying clinic in Switzerland.

Typically, this organization quickly informs people if they can't assist them upon first contact. But to my surprise, I received a response explaining the application process in more detail. This makes me think they might actually consider my case. I'm not "young," but I'm not old either—I'm in my mid-40s. Perhaps a combination of my age and the length of time I've dealt with this condition has made them open-minded about offering assistance.

Either way, I feel deflated that it has come to this point, and I have some serious thinking to do. I don't post here often, but I've always checked in. I guess I just needed to vent tonight.

Sending love to all of you who are suffering.

At my very worst, when I was dealing with newly developed catastrophic tinnitus and hyperacusis, I found myself holding onto a strange and unexpected thought. If the relentless suffering ever broke me, I took some comfort in knowing that the tinnitus and hyperacusis would stop if my life ended. In an odd way, that gave me a small measure of strength to keep going. Perhaps just knowing that the option existed provided a certain sense of control and relief.

I cannot say for sure what ultimately helped, but I threw everything I could at the condition. I kept storm windows closed during the summer because I could not tolerate the sound of crickets or a neighbor's air conditioner. I tried acupuncture, hypnosis, craniosacral therapy, sound therapy, hearing aids with pink noise, and western medications like Klonopin and later Gabapentin. I explored Ayurveda and panchakarma, protected my ears, walked through forests hugging trees, chanted mantras, experimented with laser therapy and homeopathy, and spent countless hours playing a nylon stringed guitar. It was a journey of trial and error.

Now, I am preparing to return to India for two months of panchakarma. In my experience, this treatment has reduced my tinnitus for several months afterward. Now that Covid is less of a concern, I plan to make this an annual trip, hoping that consistent treatment will continue to bring more relief. These days, my symptoms range from mild or moderate to severe, depending on the day. I should also note that about two years ago, a very loud fire alarm caused a significant spike in my symptoms, which has added to the ups and downs of my condition.

Sending love and, as my yoga teacher might say (in a somewhat new age way), bubbles of light to you as well.

 

[Deblee245]

I really hope you don't go through with this. I understand what you're experiencing—it's truly awful. Just plain awful.

I recently started meditating, and while the only thing I hear during meditation is the tinnitus, it does help a little. I suppose that's the mindfulness aspect at work. I'm not entirely sure, though.

 

[ccpjc]

I'm nearing 1 month since I experienced severe acoustic trauma; the tinnitus has been relentless and has become progressively worse as the weeks pass. I'm now contemplating medical-assisted suicide. I confided in my wife, and while she hoped that I wouldn't, she came to the understanding of where I was.

I googled, searched, and read success stories of people who made things better with supplements, and I tried taking lion's mane for a week but then got put on antibiotics, so I stopped for any interaction concerns. Then, on Sunday and Monday (4/5 days ago) night, to try and reduce inflammation and heal things, as my ear still suffered pain and pressure, I took a combination of NAC, Taurine, and Advil shortly before taking my amoxicillin. Now I realize the magnitude of my error; even though I checked and checked for any interactions, I guess I'm just that magical unicorn who can't catch a break. Everything I do only seems to worsen things; I'm cursed.

What followed was my tinnitus changing for the worse. It became central tinnitus, and even worse, it became reactive; any noise causes a sharp increase in sound intensity. Any movement, including talking, eating, sniffling, and tensing my muscles, causes the sounds to spike.

This isn't living anymore; I can't take this. I reached out to a local company that deals with tinnitus and got told to go away as my tinnitus isn't considered chronic. I told them I was in a dark place and needed any support and help, to which I was ignored.

After reading Reddit subs, Facebook groups, and these online communities, I have no hope for the future.

Today, when I woke up, I was mentally broke; I no longer feared death in the sense I had before. I spoke with a counselor yesterday who said it is normal for the brain to think about death in extreme situations but offered no other guidance or suggestions. I'm 40 and have been terrified of death as long as I can remember, but now the thoughts of living with this torment another day are overwhelming and overpowering. Who knew at 40 I would want to die? I had hopes and dreams of getting old with my wife and seeing our kids grow and be successful, but I can't imagine a tomorrow anymore.

My family… the thoughts of leaving them are crushing, especially when they're still kids, but the torment of this, this hell, I can't take it anymore; I can't imagine people who live with this for years. There's no way that they have it as severe as I do, else they wouldn't be living like they do.

And there's no fix, pill, surgery, or anything that can help. Even if there was, I don't believe the damage I've done is fixable, and I live in a country that would never see these treatments in my lifetime even if they came out thanks Canada…

...maybe if it was still isolated to my ear, but it's changed and for the worse.

I've begged, prayed, cried, and pleaded for this to stop, but it doesn't. It's unrelenting. It's torture.

I wrote my goodbye letter today; it crushed me; I cried harder than I'd ever before, and I screamed and yelled in such agony at the thoughts of no longer being here, seeing my family. Missing out on their growth, my youngest is five and is so incredibly attached to me; I don't know what will happen to her, and I don't know what will happen to my eldest or my wife. But this pain and torment is beyond anything I've ever thought I would have to go through.

 

[erebus]

Hang in there. There's a good chance the severity of your tinnitus will decrease over time. The first few months are tough, but it's still too early to make any final decisions about your life.

 

[ccpjc]

Hang in there. There's a good chance the severity of your tinnitus will decrease over time. The first few months are tough, but it's still too early to make any final decisions about your life.

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

 

[Mark F.]

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

I want to repeat my advice to you: stop trying to find a cure, supplement, surgery, pill, or anything else to fix this. Just stop and do nothing for now. Instead, try to grit your teeth and bear it. Your wife and kids need you to be strong.

It will be tough for a while, no doubt, but things might eventually get better. If you give up, you will never know. Fight to stay alive. You are stronger than you think.

 

[slc]

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

Many of us here have been through absolute hell when we first developed tinnitus or hyperacusis. Mine was so severe that I lost a significant amount of weight, couldn't eat, and couldn't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I cried a lot and felt completely hopeless.

What you are experiencing could very well be a crisis stage that you can make it through. I've gone from total catastrophe—unable to drive, sleep, eat, go to the supermarket, or even take a walk if it was too sunny—to days that now range from mild to severe. My quality of life has improved from nearly zero to about 5 or 6 out of 10.

Here are some suggestions that may help:

- Sound therapy: Use your phone to play soothing sounds, like ocean waves or other calming noises.

- Hearing aids with pink noise: These can help take the edge off. For example, they can move your distress from a 9 out of 10 to an 8 out of 10. It's a small difference but still significant. Sometimes, sleeping with them in can make the next day a little better.

- Sleep aids: Try valerian and melatonin for sleep. If you're really struggling, consider asking your GP about Klonopin as an off-label treatment. I use 1 mg about an hour before bedtime.

- Ayurvedic techniques: Calm your nervous system with alternate nostril breathing and reduce caffeine intake to improve your sleep. Massage your scalp and the soles of your feet with Vata oil (or sesame oil if that's easier to find). In colder months, eat warm and soothing foods like hot cereal for breakfast or soups for meals. Avoid too much sugar, but treat yourself occasionally.

- Acupuncture: While helpful for some, it can be challenging to find a skilled acupuncturist. I tried six before finding one who made a difference.

- Craniosacral therapy: This may be worth exploring. You can search for a therapist through the Upledger Institute's website.

- Communication with your spouse: Speak openly with your wife about what you're going through. She might be shutting down because she doesn't fully understand the severity of your situation and assumes it's just a matter of willpower. Ask her to read some posts on forums like this one, and let her know you want to work together to navigate this. She's likely overwhelmed with the thought of losing you, and while you may not be in a position to reassure her right now, you can suggest learning and sharing information together.

- Flow activities: Find an activity that engages your whole body and helps you focus. This could be playing guitar, swimming, running, walking, gardening, or even hugging trees—whatever works for you.

- Ear protection: Avoid construction zones, loud movies, and sirens. If you have to fly, consider using noise-canceling headphones.

- Treble Health: While I'm not a huge fan of their promises to "cure" tinnitus, they do offer online support groups and provide combined hearing aids with pink noise options. I worked with an audiologist named Tracy who was honest, listened, and offered sensible suggestions. Just don't buy into the hype of guaranteed cures; focus on the support aspect.

- Prednisone: Since it's been a month, prednisone may not be as effective, as it works best within days of symptom onset. However, it might still be worth discussing with a doctor. Be prepared that many ENTs have limited knowledge about tinnitus and hyperacusis, so don't expect too much from them.

Lastly, read some of the success stories on forums like Tinnitus Talk. You are in one of the most difficult and shocking stages, but the hypervigilance and overdrive you're feeling now will likely calm down. As that happens, you may see improvement.

It can get better.

 

[PeteJ]

I get pain from earplugs, too. I think it's all related to TMD/TMJ. You mentioned in your other post you were going to see an ENT in another city, but you might want to see a TMD/TMJ specialist.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I've been to my general physician, dentist, and now an ENT, but none of them will refer me to anyone who can actually help.

I've been reading posts on here about assisted dying. In Canada, it's called MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying). I've been thinking about talking to my doctor about it—not necessarily to pursue it right now, but just to tell them I've been thinking about it because my tinnitus is so severe. It's reached the point where I might want to consider it someday.

I'm on disability, and in Canada, the system constantly feels like it's working against you. Every couple of years, they reevaluate unless they decide you have a permanent disability. And as many people on here know, the government doesn't take tinnitus seriously. They don't consider it disabling; they treat it like a psychological issue.

I feel like I need to tell them how bad it is, that I've thought about taking my own life, and how I avoid noise constantly. I don't go outside much because of it. I just don't know how to say it in a way that will make them take me seriously.

I was hoping someone here could help me figure out what to say to my doctor. I need to make sure it's included in my report because I always forget things when I'm in the moment. You'd think I could just ramble on about everything, but all I manage to say is, "My tinnitus is so loud!" I need to explain how much it affects my daily life—that I try to avoid noise every single day but it's impossible, especially when I can't afford to choose where I live. I can't move to a quieter, rural area.

On top of the tinnitus, I also get frequent ear pain, which makes everything even harder to manage. It's unbearable at times.

I'm not religious, and I'm afraid of dying, but I don't see any other alternatives. I think it's sad and pathetic that the government seems to have done a complete turnaround—they're now willing to let people choose assisted dying, not because they care about being humane but because they don't want to pay for us anymore. At least, that's how it feels to me.

Sorry if this comes across as negative or rambling. I just don't know what else to do.

 

[ccpjc]

I want to repeat my advice to you: stop trying to find a cure, supplement, surgery, pill, or anything else to fix this. Just stop and do nothing for now. Instead, try to grit your teeth and bear it. Your wife and kids need you to be strong.

It will be tough for a while, no doubt, but things might eventually get better. If you give up, you will never know. Fight to stay alive. You are stronger than you think.

I stopped taking all supplements after last week's incident, where I triggered somatic and reactive tinnitus. I'm hoping it calms down soon, as these are significantly worse than my usual tinnitus.

The only exception is omega-3, which I've been taking for many years.

Many of us here have been through absolute hell when we first developed tinnitus or hyperacusis. Mine was so severe that I lost a significant amount of weight, couldn't eat, and couldn't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I cried a lot and felt completely hopeless.

What you are experiencing could very well be a crisis stage that you can make it through. I've gone from total catastrophe—unable to drive, sleep, eat, go to the supermarket, or even take a walk if it was too sunny—to days that now range from mild to severe. My quality of life has improved from nearly zero to about 5 or 6 out of 10.

Here are some suggestions that may help:

- Sound therapy: Use your phone to play soothing sounds, like ocean waves or other calming noises.

- Hearing aids with pink noise: These can help take the edge off. For example, they can move your distress from a 9 out of 10 to an 8 out of 10. It's a small difference but still significant. Sometimes, sleeping with them in can make the next day a little better.

- Sleep aids: Try valerian and melatonin for sleep. If you're really struggling, consider asking your GP about Klonopin as an off-label treatment. I use 1 mg about an hour before bedtime.

- Ayurvedic techniques: Calm your nervous system with alternate nostril breathing and reduce caffeine intake to improve your sleep. Massage your scalp and the soles of your feet with Vata oil (or sesame oil if that's easier to find). In colder months, eat warm and soothing foods like hot cereal for breakfast or soups for meals. Avoid too much sugar, but treat yourself occasionally.

- Acupuncture: While helpful for some, it can be challenging to find a skilled acupuncturist. I tried six before finding one who made a difference.

- Craniosacral therapy: This may be worth exploring. You can search for a therapist through the Upledger Institute's website.

- Communication with your spouse: Speak openly with your wife about what you're going through. She might be shutting down because she doesn't fully understand the severity of your situation and assumes it's just a matter of willpower. Ask her to read some posts on forums like this one, and let her know you want to work together to navigate this. She's likely overwhelmed with the thought of losing you, and while you may not be in a position to reassure her right now, you can suggest learning and sharing information together.

- Flow activities: Find an activity that engages your whole body and helps you focus. This could be playing guitar, swimming, running, walking, gardening, or even hugging trees—whatever works for you.

- Ear protection: Avoid construction zones, loud movies, and sirens. If you have to fly, consider using noise-canceling headphones.

- Treble Health: While I'm not a huge fan of their promises to "cure" tinnitus, they do offer online support groups and provide combined hearing aids with pink noise options. I worked with an audiologist named Tracy who was honest, listened, and offered sensible suggestions. Just don't buy into the hype of guaranteed cures; focus on the support aspect.

- Prednisone: Since it's been a month, prednisone may not be as effective, as it works best within days of symptom onset. However, it might still be worth discussing with a doctor. Be prepared that many ENTs have limited knowledge about tinnitus and hyperacusis, so don't expect too much from them.

Lastly, read some of the success stories on forums like Tinnitus Talk. You are in one of the most difficult and shocking stages, but the hypervigilance and overdrive you're feeling now will likely calm down. As that happens, you may see improvement.

It can get better.

Yesterday, I went for a massage with acupuncture, as my wife read it could help. My neck and back have been quite stiff lately. The massage ended up including some deep tissue work because the therapist said I was incredibly tense.

The acupuncture itself was fine. If it weren't for the relentless tinnitus, I might have even fallen asleep during the session.

Afterwards, I actually felt a bit more energetic than usual, which is rare since developing tinnitus. Even my wife noticed a difference in my energy levels. However, my tinnitus was screaming all night, making it impossible to sleep. Masking sounds offered little relief. On the upside, I did notice that using my AirPods significantly reduced the somatic tinnitus while I had them on.

 

[Tweaker]

I'm trying, but I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep going.

My wife broke down last night and is now distancing herself from me. I've lost the only support person that I have. Not many others know my struggles, nor do I have much other support in my life, but I can't blame her; I don't know how I would react if the situation were reversed.

I'm broken

She cried and asked if her and the kids aren't worth fighting for, they are, they are all, but at the same time, this affliction is relentless.

I guess my one hope is I'm less than 1 month in; I still have time to heal if I can heal. I hope I can heal. I pray and beg that I can be given my life back of just 1 month ago.

My situation was similar. I was 39 years old with two children, aged 3 and 6, when my tinnitus became chronic. I was a complete suicidal wreck for several weeks. I'm now 54, so keep going—you will get better at coping. It's amazing how the mind can adapt.

I still have ups and downs, and trust me, my tinnitus is very severe, with multiple loud noises. I also had terrible hyperacusis, but that has become less bothersome over time. Those who don't suffer from this affliction cannot truly understand it, but I found a support group to be very helpful.

Don't give up. Take it one day at a time. It might heal, or you will adapt. My only advice is to try not to long for your old life or become desperate for a cure, as that only makes it harder to come to terms with living with it. I have to keep reminding myself of this as well.

 

[ccpjc]

My situation was similar. I was 39 years old with two children, aged 3 and 6, when my tinnitus became chronic. I was a complete suicidal wreck for several weeks. I'm now 54, so keep going—you will get better at coping. It's amazing how the mind can adapt.

I still have ups and downs, and trust me, my tinnitus is very severe, with multiple loud noises. I also had terrible hyperacusis, but that has become less bothersome over time. Those who don't suffer from this affliction cannot truly understand it, but I found a support group to be very helpful.

Don't give up. Take it one day at a time. It might heal, or you will adapt. My only advice is to try not to long for your old life or become desperate for a cure, as that only makes it harder to come to terms with living with it. I have to keep reminding myself of this as well.

Thank you for sharing your story. My family truly means everything to me. I don't really have much else in my life besides them, so having these thoughts is beyond comprehension.

May I ask how you found the strength to keep fighting to stay alive? It might be a silly question, but as you mentioned, it's hard to relate unless someone has experienced this affliction.

My wife has come back around. Perhaps her distancing herself was what brought me back to a somewhat 'saner' mindset. However, the fears of tomorrow remain overwhelming.

 

[captain macarena]

Hang in there! During the first couple of months after I got tinnitus, I was a complete wreck. I had dark thoughts and struggled to see how I could deal with it in the long term.

Now, seven months in, I've learned how to keep myself distracted during the day, though nights are still brutal. To help me habituate, I needed to believe that there are companies committed to developing meaningful treatments. I'm not sure how long it will take, but I'm hopeful that one day there will be real breakthroughs—and I hope I'm around to see them.

Advances in AI and quantum computing will likely accelerate these efforts. I created the attached resource to give myself some hope. Maybe it will help others feel a little hopeful too.

 

[slc]

I stopped taking all supplements after last week's incident, where I triggered somatic and reactive tinnitus. I'm hoping it calms down soon, as these are significantly worse than my usual tinnitus.

The only exception is omega-3, which I've been taking for many years.

Yesterday, I went for a massage with acupuncture, as my wife read it could help. My neck and back have been quite stiff lately. The massage ended up including some deep tissue work because the therapist said I was incredibly tense.

The acupuncture itself was fine. If it weren't for the relentless tinnitus, I might have even fallen asleep during the session.

Afterwards, I actually felt a bit more energetic than usual, which is rare since developing tinnitus. Even my wife noticed a difference in my energy levels. However, my tinnitus was screaming all night, making it impossible to sleep. Masking sounds offered little relief. On the upside, I did notice that using my AirPods significantly reduced the somatic tinnitus while I had them on.

Massage is an excellent idea. I also got a massage, and it helped relieve stress and tension.

Reaching out to this forum, taking steps like getting acupuncture with massage, and connecting with your wife are all great to hear. For many people who experience tinnitus and hyperacusis, the initial phase of intense anxiety and severe emotional stress does improve over time. Once your body begins to calm down, it's possible that the tinnitus may lessen, and you'll feel better equipped to manage it.

 

[Tweaker]

Thank you for sharing your story. My family truly means everything to me. I don't really have much else in my life besides them, so having these thoughts is beyond comprehension.

May I ask how you found the strength to keep fighting to stay alive? It might be a silly question, but as you mentioned, it's hard to relate unless someone has experienced this affliction.

My wife has come back around. Perhaps her distancing herself was what brought me back to a somewhat 'saner' mindset. However, the fears of tomorrow remain overwhelming.

I found an audiologist who was really helpful at the time. They checked my hearing and provided counseling, which made a big difference. During the worst period, when I wasn't getting any sleep, I took sleeping tablets to help me through. Speaking with others and attending a support group also helped a lot. I made it a habit to walk outdoors frequently, and I still do. Over time, I've started to adapt, although it still affects me badly at times. I never underestimate how challenging it can be, but I encourage you to give yourself time.