Suicidal

[StrugglinMarin]

I'm so sorry to hear this, @eldudebro. While knowing that you are eligible for assisted dying might provide some solace in the back of your mind, it's still a difficult and heavy reality to face.

I'm no stranger to long-term suffering from chronic illness, compounded by the debilitating tinnitus I've been dealing with for the past six months. During my worst bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, my dad helped pull me through by reminding me of something simple yet powerful: if there are even 15 minutes in a day when you can enjoy something—whether it's a movie, a series, music, exercise, or anything else—then it's worth holding on. He emphasized that death is the end of everything, both bad and good. It's also the end of you and any chance to change your circumstances for the better.

I believe many people who suffer deeply don't necessarily want to die; they just don't want to keep living in the ways they are currently. In my case, one of my other health challenges eventually improved with medication, which made me grateful I didn't end my life earlier. But now, 20 years later, I find myself in another dark place. I feel like I've been through enough and carried more than my share. I wouldn't mind if my plane crashed tomorrow.

Even so, I hold out hope—for you, for others, and for myself—that there are still things in life worth enjoying, things that can make it worthwhile to keep going. So please, keep fighting. You're not alone in this.

 

[Juliane]

I'm really struggling the fight desire to kill myself. The world is so fucked up. I won't want to endure it any longer. I'm just so tired, and it's only going to get more difficult from here.

Please do not let the terrible world situation get you down (easier said than done). We need you in this world. I feel like you every day, so not just empty words from me. I struggle with suicidal thoughts again due to a horrible tinnitus spike. And the election did not make things better. The world is headed in a horrible direction on so many levels, but we have to believe things might still improve. Big hug.

Hey everyone,

I developed tinnitus 2.5 months ago, and it has completely derailed my life. I'm struggling intensely with suicidal thoughts. I can't sleep, I can't focus, and I can't work. I have a therapist, but it hasn't helped with my suicidal ideation. The intrusive noise is constant and overwhelming.

I'm only 24 years old, and I got tinnitus after my first-ever concert, even though I was wearing ear protection. I don't know what to do. Before all of this, I had plans and projects, but now I'm crippled by tinnitus and debilitating hyperacusis.

It's been three months, and things haven't improved much. I've never felt this level of despair. I'm seeking professional therapy, but it hasn't been very helpful.

I'm in extreme distress. I've been in a psychiatric ward for two weeks, but it didn't change anything.

I have moderate hyperacusis and noxacusis. I tried to return to work, but it was just too noisy—a two-hour drive followed by noise all day long. I can't handle it.

I am so sorry and feel your pain as I am living in the same nightmare. I can't believe it is still legal to charge people for going to "concerts" that ruin their hearing. Only deeply unmusical imbeciles would call noise like that "music." It makes me so angry. There should be serious legal consequences for organizing such concerts. We should all sue the hell out of bands and concert organizers.

 

[Chandler]

I'm so tired. I'm sick of this loop.

 

[slc]

After over ten years of living with this condition and a dramatic worsening in 2022, plus some added hyperacusis, I did the unthinkable: I reached out to an assisted dying clinic in Switzerland.

Typically, this organization quickly informs people if they can't assist them upon first contact. But to my surprise, I received a response explaining the application process in more detail. This makes me think they might actually consider my case. I'm not "young," but I'm not old either—I'm in my mid-40s. Perhaps a combination of my age and the length of time I've dealt with this condition has made them open-minded about offering assistance.

Either way, I feel deflated that it has come to this point, and I have some serious thinking to do. I don't post here often, but I've always checked in. I guess I just needed to vent tonight.

Sending love to all of you who are suffering.

At my very worst, when I was dealing with newly developed catastrophic tinnitus and hyperacusis, I found myself holding onto a strange and unexpected thought. If the relentless suffering ever broke me, I took some comfort in knowing that the tinnitus and hyperacusis would stop if my life ended. In an odd way, that gave me a small measure of strength to keep going. Perhaps just knowing that the option existed provided a certain sense of control and relief.

I cannot say for sure what ultimately helped, but I threw everything I could at the condition. I kept storm windows closed during the summer because I could not tolerate the sound of crickets or a neighbor's air conditioner. I tried acupuncture, hypnosis, craniosacral therapy, sound therapy, hearing aids with pink noise, and western medications like Klonopin and later Gabapentin. I explored Ayurveda and panchakarma, protected my ears, walked through forests hugging trees, chanted mantras, experimented with laser therapy and homeopathy, and spent countless hours playing a nylon stringed guitar. It was a journey of trial and error.

Now, I am preparing to return to India for two months of panchakarma. In my experience, this treatment has reduced my tinnitus for several months afterward. Now that Covid is less of a concern, I plan to make this an annual trip, hoping that consistent treatment will continue to bring more relief. These days, my symptoms range from mild or moderate to severe, depending on the day. I should also note that about two years ago, a very loud fire alarm caused a significant spike in my symptoms, which has added to the ups and downs of my condition.

Sending love and, as my yoga teacher might say (in a somewhat new age way), bubbles of light to you as well.

 

[Deblee245]

I really hope you don't go through with this. I understand what you're experiencing—it's truly awful. Just plain awful.

I recently started meditating, and while the only thing I hear during meditation is the tinnitus, it does help a little. I suppose that's the mindfulness aspect at work. I'm not entirely sure, though.

 

[ccpjc]

I'm nearing 1 month since I experienced severe acoustic trauma; the tinnitus has been relentless and has become progressively worse as the weeks pass. I'm now contemplating medical-assisted suicide. I confided in my wife, and while she hoped that I wouldn't, she came to the understanding of where I was.

I googled, searched, and read success stories of people who made things better with supplements, and I tried taking lion's mane for a week but then got put on antibiotics, so I stopped for any interaction concerns. Then, on Sunday and Monday (4/5 days ago) night, to try and reduce inflammation and heal things, as my ear still suffered pain and pressure, I took a combination of NAC, Taurine, and Advil shortly before taking my amoxicillin. Now I realize the magnitude of my error; even though I checked and checked for any interactions, I guess I'm just that magical unicorn who can't catch a break. Everything I do only seems to worsen things; I'm cursed.

What followed was my tinnitus changing for the worse. It became central tinnitus, and even worse, it became reactive; any noise causes a sharp increase in sound intensity. Any movement, including talking, eating, sniffling, and tensing my muscles, causes the sounds to spike.

This isn't living anymore; I can't take this. I reached out to a local company that deals with tinnitus and got told to go away as my tinnitus isn't considered chronic. I told them I was in a dark place and needed any support and help, to which I was ignored.

After reading Reddit subs, Facebook groups, and these online communities, I have no hope for the future.

Today, when I woke up, I was mentally broke; I no longer feared death in the sense I had before. I spoke with a counselor yesterday who said it is normal for the brain to think about death in extreme situations but offered no other guidance or suggestions. I'm 40 and have been terrified of death as long as I can remember, but now the thoughts of living with this torment another day are overwhelming and overpowering. Who knew at 40 I would want to die? I had hopes and dreams of getting old with my wife and seeing our kids grow and be successful, but I can't imagine a tomorrow anymore.

My family… the thoughts of leaving them are crushing, especially when they're still kids, but the torment of this, this hell, I can't take it anymore; I can't imagine people who live with this for years. There's no way that they have it as severe as I do, else they wouldn't be living like they do.

And there's no fix, pill, surgery, or anything that can help. Even if there was, I don't believe the damage I've done is fixable, and I live in a country that would never see these treatments in my lifetime even if they came out thanks Canada…

...maybe if it was still isolated to my ear, but it's changed and for the worse.

I've begged, prayed, cried, and pleaded for this to stop, but it doesn't. It's unrelenting. It's torture.

I wrote my goodbye letter today; it crushed me; I cried harder than I'd ever before, and I screamed and yelled in such agony at the thoughts of no longer being here, seeing my family. Missing out on their growth, my youngest is five and is so incredibly attached to me; I don't know what will happen to her, and I don't know what will happen to my eldest or my wife. But this pain and torment is beyond anything I've ever thought I would have to go through.

 

[erebus]

Hang in there. There's a good chance the severity of your tinnitus will decrease over time. The first few months are tough, but it's still too early to make any final decisions about your life.