Suicidal

[Scruffiey]

Sigh… back to hoping for a terminal diagnosis, or wondering at what point my family might understand if I choose to go to Dignitas. I want to live, even if only for a short while, as long as it can be lived fully and with some certainty. The potential cures that once gave me hope no longer seem like they are going to be a good fit for me.

I was never particularly enthusiastic about life even before tinnitus and hyperacusis, but at least I could still dream of a better future. I could take a holiday now and then, enjoy a meal at a restaurant with family, or have a normal conversation without worrying that my ears would feel like open wounds the next day or suddenly decide to increase their ringing to unbearable levels.

I never wanted much—just a peaceful life. I wanted to take in the quiet beauty of the world, to have a cup of coffee with a kind face once a week, and someone to share a bed with at night. Now life feels like an exercise in endless, lonely suffering, only to spare others a temporary kind of pain.

What am I really holding on for? Thirty more years of waiting, just to maybe get ten good years if a cure finally arrives? And by then, the people I held on for may already be gone, or soon will be?

 

[Theezy]

Eleven years ago, when I first got tinnitus, it did not bother me much beyond an initial couple of days of research and panic. I continued living my life and was able to follow the dreaded advice, "you'll learn to ignore it." I was more careful with noise exposure, without overprotecting, but it kept getting worse over the years. Hyperacusis also crept in, even though I was not overprotecting at that stage and was not letting the condition affect my life very much at all.

It was always gradually worsening. I had some tests and imaging done, but nothing abnormal showed up, so I went back to living my life and doing my best to ignore it. Then, three years ago, I had a really rough setback that brought me back here. My moderate tinnitus and hyperacusis had already been a bit of a nuisance for my job and any focused work, but I managed to push through it. Now my brain feels fried. I cut out alcohol, salt, and caffeine. I do not smoke and do not take any medications. I have tried sound therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic treatment, and regular therapy. Nothing has helped the overall downward trend.

In real life, I am actually a very positive person, and I believe that mindset is what got me this far. But honestly, this has broken me. This thread is the only place I feel like I can post, because there seems to be a strange stigma around cases that keep getting worse. It feels like many people want to blame us for our conditions. I promise you, I have tried everything, but for some reason, I am one of the unfortunate ones. I just wish people could understand how cruel this condition can become, without having to experience it themselves.

For what it is worth, I worked my job until my once very healthy brain became overwhelmed by the noise. Now I freelance part time, but lately I have not even been able to manage that with how severe the tinnitus and hyperacusis have become.

If you are new to tinnitus and hyperacusis and are reading this, please do not be scared. The vast majority of cases improve significantly, and people go on to live mostly unaffected lives after an initial rough period. Unfortunately for me, it never improved.

This is both a vent and a bit of a cry for help. It has been a decade of worsening, and I am so far past my breaking point that I genuinely do not know what to do anymore.

 

[Tweaker]

Eleven years ago, when I first got tinnitus, it did not bother me much beyond an initial couple of days of research and panic. I continued living my life and was able to follow the dreaded advice, "you'll learn to ignore it." I was more careful with noise exposure, without overprotecting, but it kept getting worse over the years. Hyperacusis also crept in, even though I was not overprotecting at that stage and was not letting the condition affect my life very much at all.

It was always gradually worsening. I had some tests and imaging done, but nothing abnormal showed up, so I went back to living my life and doing my best to ignore it. Then, three years ago, I had a really rough setback that brought me back here. My moderate tinnitus and hyperacusis had already been a bit of a nuisance for my job and any focused work, but I managed to push through it. Now my brain feels fried. I cut out alcohol, salt, and caffeine. I do not smoke and do not take any medications. I have tried sound therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic treatment, and regular therapy. Nothing has helped the overall downward trend.

In real life, I am actually a very positive person, and I believe that mindset is what got me this far. But honestly, this has broken me. This thread is the only place I feel like I can post, because there seems to be a strange stigma around cases that keep getting worse. It feels like many people want to blame us for our conditions. I promise you, I have tried everything, but for some reason, I am one of the unfortunate ones. I just wish people could understand how cruel this condition can become, without having to experience it themselves.

For what it is worth, I worked my job until my once very healthy brain became overwhelmed by the noise. Now I freelance part time, but lately I have not even been able to manage that with how severe the tinnitus and hyperacusis have become.

If you are new to tinnitus and hyperacusis and are reading this, please do not be scared. The vast majority of cases improve significantly, and people go on to live mostly unaffected lives after an initial rough period. Unfortunately for me, it never improved.

This is both a vent and a bit of a cry for help. It has been a decade of worsening, and I am so far past my breaking point that I genuinely do not know what to do anymore.

I can relate to your story, @Theezy. Mine has also unfortunately worsened over time, despite doing my best. I still manage to work full time, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. I have had tinnitus for 15 years, so I understand your pain.

Mine worsened significantly after COVID and some ENT tests. I try not to dwell on the causes of my worsened tinnitus because it is what it is today. I only pray that one day there will be a treatment that actually helps, and I try to keep on fighting.

 

[Theezy]

I can relate to your story, @Theezy. Mine has also unfortunately worsened over time, despite doing my best. I still manage to work full time, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. I have had tinnitus for 15 years, so I understand your pain.

Mine worsened significantly after COVID and some ENT tests. I try not to dwell on the causes of my worsened tinnitus because it is what it is today. I only pray that one day there will be a treatment that actually helps, and I try to keep on fighting.

Thanks for the reply. I remember you from when I was on this site a couple of years ago.

The severe progression over the years has been incredibly draining. I am also hoping and praying for a treatment soon, for all of us. With the rapid advances in technology happening now, it actually seems possible.

 

[PeteJ]

Thanks for the reply. I remember you from when I was on this site a couple of years ago.

The severe progression over the years has been incredibly draining. I am also hoping and praying for a treatment soon, for all of us. With the rapid advances in technology happening now, it actually seems possible.

I would upvote you if I could. I am really pessimistic about it though. I probably should not comment, but I am also not here to tell people what to think.

I just remember when I first joined, and people were talking about the research, testing, and new technology. It was the only encouraging thing I had ever read or heard. Now, I have no hope left for it. As far as I know, there is no group, organization, or government entity that truly cares or is pushing for a real treatment for tinnitus, especially severe tinnitus.

There might be some kind of movement toward treating hearing loss, but at this point, it feels more like a distant dream or miracle than something real.

 

[vilebubbles]

Does anyone know if, when you apply for Pegasos or Dignitas, you have to do it within a certain time frame? Or can you apply and pay, then have your place secured for when it becomes too much?

 

[kingsfan]

Honestly, I'm about to throw in the towel. It has been over 4 years of this godawful noise. Now with this ultra-high pitch, I can't even explain it over the past 5 weeks now. I can't take it. I just need this ultra-high pitch to go away. I had just been able to start reading again. I can't take it. 4 years of being able to hand worsening after worsening, but none of it holds a candle to this ultra-high pitch. I can't do it. I have a Gabapentin refill coming up, and I think I'll just take the whole bottle. Earplugs are pointless. They will only protect you from modest noise. The outside world is way beyond that.

 

[PeteJ]

Honestly, I'm about to throw in the towel. It has been over 4 years of this godawful noise. Now with this ultra-high pitch, I can't even explain it over the past 5 weeks now. I can't take it. I just need this ultra-high pitch to go away. I had just been able to start reading again. I can't take it. 4 years of being able to hand worsening after worsening, but none of it holds a candle to this ultra-high pitch. I can't do it. I have a Gabapentin refill coming up, and I think I'll just take the whole bottle. Earplugs are pointless. They will only protect you from modest noise. The outside world is way beyond that.

I agree. My ear plugs are not enough when sirens and loud noise is near me - and I can't avoid it where I live.

I screwed up, too - I ran out of my usual ear plugs, and a friend gave me a large bag of different plugs - so I decided to try them - and one I put in my left ear caused pain and an 'ear canal problem' - and probably some Eustachian Tube Dysfunction issue (?) that hasn't healed yet - so far, almost one month now. There was only one day in which I thought it was almost better, and then it regressed, and it's really bad again.

I'm posting this because I am so desperate. Has anyone had this happen or something similar? I'm wondering how long it took until it healed/got better.

I don't know what to do. The doctor looked at it a week ago and couldn't see any problem. Are they useless? How can doctors not see anything if your inner ear is in such discomfort and pain?!?

I can't take this anymore. I also have a continuous spike, so I feel similar to you.