Suicidal

[Contrast]

I'm not even complaining about tinnitus and hyperacusis, my new health problem is beyond torture.

There is no safe place. I rejected the psychological resilience therapies like a heretic that I am.

There is no stopping what the VA and NIH will waste money on next. CBT, TRT, ACT till the cows come home.

I have to leave very soon.

I'm not staying alive for the resilience squad to show up.

Veterans and Boomers slept while the psychology empire formed.

 

[RishRamsey]

I don't get why suicide is the worst thing that can happen, suffering is much worse.

It's the fear of what happens afterwards? What if the suffering continues, and you never get peace?

 

[Jazzer]

This. I want to try TRT if it might help me just live life a bit better. But I've also been trying on my own and let me just say this. It's not about the fear. I hardly fear the noise. What I fear is my future. I'm only 23, what am I going to have to give up? Be mindful of? It seems nearly everything. And they don't seem to get that's MUCH more of an impact on your life than not having silence (even though that, too, is awful).

I love the comparison to a spider phobia. I'm terrified of spiders. When there's one in my room, it gets removed, problem solved. The noise can't be removed. Problem not solved.

Also, my childhood traumas are keeping me from healing? Lol. I was getting to a point where I was really, really starting to get over them - 2020 was going to be a turnaround year for me for MANY reasons. Instead, not even a week in, I get greeted with multi-tonal tinnitus that doesn't mask easily.

Forgive me for having a really hard time coping with that after all the BS life has already thrown at me in such a short time. Forgive me for wanting a cure or at least a real relief of the noise instead of ''learning not to fear the noise and making it my friend.''

I really don't fear it.

Having endured a childhood full of the trauma of neglect and isolation I understand you so well.
And now this.
Nobody - out - there - has - any - idea - what so ever.
We live in the most lonely of places my friend.

 

[Bartoli]

Loud tinnitus makes even avoiding quiet places unbearable - because even quiet places are interrupted by this fucking excruciatingly LOUD tinnitus, so loud that it seems like it's coming from outside. I have ear pain even if there isn't a loud noise. I am told it's probably tmj but the pain subsided for a while recently. I can't explain it but the pain recently returned although it's not severe. But, it still reminds me that my ears are damaged.

I think the tinnitus is the worst part simply because of the volume and number of tones. It's excruciatingly loud and is torture. Nothing helps so I was wondering if anyone found something that they think reduces the volume for them. I don't assume it would work for me but I need something or I will be dead eventually. If not today, at some time. I would prefer a volume reduction or cure but I don't foresee any relief. I think my volume is uniquely loud even if no one believes me.

Would it make a difference whether people believe you or not? It's still you who has to deal with it ultimately.

I wish I could give tips on how to make it quieter, my friend, but I haven't got any. Some things seem to work for some people it seems, judging by some posts on this forum. One can only try whatever is available to them.
Good luck.

 

[ASilverLight]

Having endured a childhood full of the trauma of neglect and isolation I understand you so well.
And now this.
Nobody - out - there - has - any - idea - what so ever.
We live in the most lonely of places my friend.

Honestly, I think what gets to me more than anything is knowing that my childhood was rough, finally getting to a place to move on and work on an actual future, and then being robbed of all my possibilities. I know they tell you to not let T limit you, and they're right, but mine is already pretty bad and this is just my start.

I still don't really want to die. Over the last two years or so, I came to love life. I found so much beauty, I discovered things about myself and I was finally working to my real life - but now it's become this, and after everything, I'm just tired of suffering and being in pain.

At the same time, I don't want to hurt loved ones. I don't want them to suffer my loss. So it's tough.

But really, should there ever be a cure, or should mine get better, I'll still be scarred by the experience. This isn't something you easily forget.

 

[ASilverLight]

More than anything I'm missing the feeling of freedom. Buying concert tickets without second thought, saying yes to a vacation getaway and walking around an unfamiliar area without fearing noise, putting on a new song in the car on my way to work without worrying about the burning feeling in my ears, walking into a bar and enjoying a drink without worrying about sound.

Being SO restricted from things people my age get to enjoy without second thought is beyond frustrating. I'm so exhausted of ALL of this.

This, so much. I've stopped enjoying music because my tinnitus is pretty audible over it and that takes away the joy of it. I limited my gigs to bands I truly loved, so I didn't even go to that many and with adequate protection. My music was never on loud, I usually preferred speakers over headphones etc. In all aspects, my exposure was limited compared to everyone my age - not just music/loud noise.

Yet I'm the one who ended up here, and everyone else gets to blast their music loud and they're totally fine. Something cruel about that.

 

[PeteJ]

@Contrast What is it?

I don't find other health problems worse than my loud tinnitus. I have two chronic pain issues that can reach unbearable pain levels but the tinnitus is worse. The pain subsided although it lasted a full year many years ago and I contemplated suicide then. But, this loud tinnitus is worse because there's no hope or relief. There's even a chance of it getting worse. I want to contact dog rescues again because I want to plan my suicide soon. I am running out of money and every problem just makes every day harder. I am tired of this and I understand people who want their suffering to end. I think loud tinnitus is the worst though. Most people are only familiar with mild and moderate tinnitus but when it's so loud, it seems like an external sound and you can't work, you can't do anything. I only need a method I know won't cripple me. It needs to work.

 

[Jazzer]

I don't want to hurt loved ones. I don't want them to suffer my loss. So it's tough.

"Zakly - me too."

 

[Contrast]

More than anything I'm missing the feeling of freedom. Buying concert tickets without second thought, saying yes to a vacation getaway and walking around an unfamiliar area without fearing noise, putting on a new song in the car on my way to work without worrying about the burning feeling in my ears, walking into a bar and enjoying a drink without worrying about sound.

Being SO restricted from things people my age get to enjoy without second thought is beyond frustrating. I'm so exhausted of ALL of this.

I never had freedom thats why Im killing myself.

 

[josh77]

i knew after 6 months it was going to be what brought me to the end. Now 4 years later Im ready to go. enough .

 

[Orions Pain]

@ Science

 

[Orions Pain]

I am struggling so much guys. When I initially came here I thought it was just tinnitus (which is already terrible). Then I realized my hyperacusis wasn't just anxiety when I started having ear spasms, burning, and couldn't even go into mall food courts due to the roar of it.

Then came the burning/cold pain in the three branches of the trigeminal nerve on my face. Then the pressure in my skull as if it's being crushed, as well as behind my eyes. Then visual snow, after-imaging, blurry Vision and loss of contrast. I can hardly tolerate watching TV these days unless it's something on my laptop. Occasionally I get sharp zaps in my eye.

Now my back is killing me from spending so much time laying/sitting down due to COVID-19 and the cartilage of my ear is terribly painful and my bad ear felt like someone took the world's hottest pepper and rubbed it all over. I am so miserable and my doctor won't even refer me to a neuro without an MRI.

I am beyond exhausted of all of this crap. I never thought at 26 I'd be hoping I don't wake up but here I am, disappointed the very second my eyes open each morning.

There is only so much suffering one can take and I just don't foresee a life with this. I've already had to move out of my dream apartment, will have to quit my job, and move back in with my parents because I'm so afraid of being alone due to all of these conditions. I worked SO hard to get to where I was, only to have it taken away in a matter of 4 years.

I am living in my own personal hell.

 

[Orions Pain]

I'm sure there's a forum somewhere that will let me know what I can mix for a guaranteed way out. Euthanasia would be ideal but unfortunately not an option.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

To Josh77:
In one brief sentence you have encapsulated the "cornered horror" (a phrase from Carson McCullers) so many of us face. Next to this iron hard reality, the continually generated mass of commentary and speculation is woefully irrelevant.

 

[ASilverLight]

I'm just so scared guys. I can't get any actual help. I haven't seen any specialist for anyone yet, and all my issues continue. The fluctuating tinnitus I can't make any sense of, that got severe over one week of being in quiet right after onset with no previous tinnitus or ANY loud event that could have set it off. Sure it may be my neck, or my brain being OTT from anxiety after an earwax blockage, but.

Even my neck isn't improving. I'm doing exercises daily, have for a month, not a difference at all. It's still stiff and sore and painful.

I keep dropping/fluctuating with my weight, I'm weak and trembling even though I eat as I always have.

I never, ever thought I'd end up here again. I spent all my teenage years depressed and suicidal, only for last year to finally look up. 2020 comes, and I'm greeted with this. It's almost as if the universe is telling me I should've ended it years ago.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to be strong. The only actual thing keeping me from ending it all is my family and my best friend. But I don't even know how long I can keep that up if I can't even speak or see to any health care professional soon.

 

[Contrast]

It's so pathetic to see people with physical health problems blame themselves for suffering, they beat themselves up over suffering. They don't realize they are the victim not society.


Normies beat themselves up over tinnitus and painful diseases, they have this guilt for letting the herd down.

 

[serendipity1996]

How is it that I can easily tolerate the sound of a helicopter droning overhead when out for a walk yet watching YouTube at volume on 12/100 is enough to trigger facial numbness and tingling after like 10 mins... feels like some kind of sick joke lmao.

 

[Contrast]

The most dangerous people I know are not evil but stupid just plain fucking stupid. They never take the time to question their own rotten nature.

Daily reminder that WE are the delusional ones expecting medical help. It's no ones job to find a cure for anything. No one owes us anything. Economically it's unfeasible to even bother with scientific research on a disease. It's so much easier and cost effective to only focus on the behavior instead of deep abstract biological sciences that are poorly understoood.

Academic literature on tinnitus, neuropathy, fibromyalgia or whatever commonly uses words like


"Cost-Effective management strategies" which are usually CBT and it's spin offs. Along with benzos.

I don't even get why they need to write these papers, there's nothing wrong with this in principle but why do they repeat themselves a billion times over. CBT helps DURRR. but it doesn't substitute biological research on disease.

Not a single cell in our body gets restored or regenerated, you walk in and out of the clinic in the same biological state you were in previously. The core of the problem remains.

This is a pathetic backwards part of human history. Not that many people realize that. People with good lives and non damaged bodies will realize that.

THIS IS A VERY PRIMITIVE PART OF HUMAN HISTORY.

I am really bad because my health problems now have nothing to do with ears, and I am mis using this forum by voicing my suffering about an unrelated health problem,.

I am disturbed that I exist in this life. I find this life very disturbing.

I am so happy to leave this fucked up world.

I find it offensive that psychologist and psychiatry are the only treatment options. Nothing to do with reversal of biological damage.

 

[josh77]

bang or hang. about the only question left

 

[jasonbourne]

Loud tinnitus makes even avoiding quiet places unbearable - because even quiet places are interrupted by this fucking excruciatingly LOUD tinnitus, so loud that it seems like it's coming from outside. I have ear pain even if there isn't a loud noise. I am told it's probably tmj but the pain subsided for a while recently. I can't explain it but the pain recently returned although it's not severe. But, it still reminds me that my ears are damaged.

I think the tinnitus is the worst part simply because of the volume and number of tones. It's excruciatingly loud and is torture. Nothing helps so I was wondering if anyone found something that they think reduces the volume for them. I don't assume it would work for me but I need something or I will be dead eventually. If not today, at some time. I would prefer a volume reduction or cure but I don't foresee any relief. I think my volume is uniquely loud even if no one believes me.

Does your tinnitus fluctuate? Has it ever become bearable in the past 6 months? That's the only thing that keeps me from going insane.

I have the base tinnitus which I recognize; but the volume fluctuates massively and at random seemingly, but the days where its at its lowest... man they are really the best, but it never lasts.

Like I woke up today with 7.5/10 tinnitus, then all of a sudden two hours later I'm playing DOTA and I get that random super loud tinnitus and deafness in my right ear. All of a sudden its dropped to a 6/10.

I don't get this shit.

You mentioned in the next post about being crippled from suicide, and that's why I'm so afraid of using the nitrogen method. Not because I'm clumsy and thing ill fail, but because of quantum immortality. That out of infinite universes there's one where I forget a crucial part of the process and become a vegetable.

Its unfortunate, but jumping off of a very high height seems the only way to guarantee 100% success across all universes. And that fucking sucks.

 

[Labyrinthine]

I'm so close to giving up. Literally everything hurts. This is so unjustified and unfair. Unbelievable. I am so heartbroken and powerless... I have persevered through everything up till now, but this is simply too much. I wish I had the guts to end this. I really do.

 

[Contrast]

I was basically used. My entire life was just being used. Then when I need hlp no one doesanything.

I find this life disturbing.

I have to kill myself because science is primitive and cannot even attempt to try to reverse biological damage.

This is what happens when the shit for brain NIH funded psychologist get all the grants.

The only thing to do when the biological organism breaks is to throw it away. It's broken and doctors make no effort to repair, reprogram or regenerate a single cell in my body that is damaged. It's all behaviorism and neurotransmitter based pills that fail to modify the biological damage.

I am delusional for requesting for treatment options that don't yet exist. I have enough biological damage and now I have to throw myself away.

It's so fucking stupid why people have to kill themselves just because of biological damage. Holy shit do they realize how many lives they could save from suicide by taking deep biomedical sciences seriously.

CBT, ACT, OPIOIDS. That's the paradigm.

 

[Orions Pain]

I'm so close to giving up. Literally everything hurts. This is so unjustified and unfair. Unbelievable. I am so heartbroken and powerless... I have persevered through everything up till now, but this is simply too much. I wish I had the guts to end this. I really do.

Unbelievable
Unfair

These two words are all I think about these days. I'm sorry you're in so much pain

 

[Luman]

I am so happy to leave this fucked up world.

I have to kill myself because science is primitive and cannot even attempt to try to reverse biological damage.
This is what happens when the shit for brain NIH funded psychologist get all the grants.

It's so fucking stupid why people have to kill themselves just because of biological damage. Holy shit do they realize how many lives they could save from suicide by taking deep biomedical sciences seriously.
CBT, ACT, OPIOIDS. That's the paradigm.

Language like this is unnecessary, and offensive, here.

 

[acute]

If everything continues the same, I hope I can off myself before 2021 begins. I don't want this life of suffering. I am also starting to experience facial pain and intense headache daily.

I'm more than a year with this tinnitus beast and it doesn't get better. I don't want to live anymore.

 

[Contrast]

I am going to make a prediction about the Corona Virus. The US economy will slowly reopen, more people will get sick and die. It will close again. Trump will pass more economic stimuili bills.

This will repeat multiple times for the next 2-4 years before a cure (for Corona) is found.

It will show a painful lesson that biology class is not a science that you can skip and no amount of economic bail outs will change the poor scientific understanding on how viruses interact with an animals immune system.

Just like the old native America saying "The rich man will realize he cannot eat money" I'll say "the rich man will realize economic stimuli checks will not change the weak understanding of biological sciences" and after millions of people die I wonder if the world will learn it's lesson?

Probably not. Pandemic's prove my point about how little is known about biological sciences.

I am trying to get people in the suicide thread to realize they are nothing but an economic nuisance that is trying to be corrected. Don't expect help anytime soon. Disabled people are dying off due to Darwinian economic policies.

 

[Capstan]

I am trying to get people in the suicide thread to realize they are nothing but an economic nuisance that is trying to be corrected. Don't expect help anytime soon. Disabled people are dying off due to Darwinian economic policies.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to push us any harder. I think most of those here already lost hope for rescue otherwise we'd be hanging in the research forum. I am only hanging on for my kids and it's a daily battle. I have no other hope but to not screw them up by their daddy offing himself. I am suffering everyday for them. It takes everything I got not to give up.

 

[Contrast]

I'm not sure it's a good idea to push us any harder. I think most of those here already lost hope for rescue otherwise we'd be hanging in the research forum. I am only hanging on for my kids and it's a daily battle. I have no other hope but to not screw them up by their daddy offing himself. I am suffering everyday for them. It takes everything I got not to give up.

I did everything I could possibly do in this life. I have to go.

 

[Capstan]

I did everything I could possibly do in this life. I have to go.

I did too. Probably many of us did. I worked hard to build a great life for my family only to be suffering now. I have no idea how to square this hole. It's totally unfair. Unfair to me, unfair to my wife, and unfair to my kids. I was a good person in life. I made a mistake with listening to headphones and music for too many years. It's cost me the things I dearly love in life. What's worse it may cost my family everything they love and they didn't do anything wrong.

 

[Contrast]

I like arguing against people who are anti suicide.