Suicidal

[dan]

My brain is toast. That's why I don't write much these days.
But I had a vision I would like to share with my brothers and sisters who frequent this thread.

When and if I am able to resettle in the United States, I would like to get some land somewhere in New England, maybe in New Hampshire tucked away in the White Mountains.

This land will have private cabins where my friends who suffer from debilitating tinnitus and hyperacusis can come to live (for free) and die in peace when that time comes. Holistic living, sauna, walks, massage, benzos, meds, cannabis and whatever a sufferer needed is fine. The management suffers, understands, and passes no judgement. Noise and aggression issues won't be an issue and no demands will be made, except for being somewhat polite; being happy is not a demand but if one feel happiness then that's a blessing and may lead to feeling it more.
A safe place for sufferers with bad tinnitus and hyperacusis.

I would like to do this for us either in the United States or in my present local. I have created a space like I mentioned above but it's too small. Its cheaper to do here in Laos... I digress. I am going to need a few years unless I hit the lottery. I will keep you guys posted.

Sending love to my Pals here. I really do think of you guys all the time, my fellow sufferers of a most viscous condition.

Peace.

How much rent will you charge?

How to get groceries?

 

[Matchbox]

EDIT: Just took a shower without earplugs and my entire auditory field is a multitonal clusterfuck.

I feel nauseous and like I'm going to break down. How is there NOTHING that modern science can do for this?

Can anyone point me to a severe reactivity success story? I feel like I'm honestly back at day 1.

Do you get ear pressure too? I'm finding my distortions compete a lot less with "barely" enough masking, lots of sleep, and Ginkgo biloba + Betahistine + caffeine. All cheapish and safe.

I'm still going to try out Quercetin + Bromelain + Coriolus mushroom powder before the Psilocybin.

 

[Lukee]

My vision has been blurring slightly so I tried reducing Pramipexole and Keppra this week slowly, and actually my vision became sharper, but my tinnitus today is agony. In light of this I'm not sure if it is withdrawal or just what my natural tinnitus is like, but god damn. I'm surprised more people aren't dead from this on days like this, but I suppose it's a very rare condition in the first place.

In this sense I don't really think I've improved at all in 10 months. If nothing is to change, I can definitely say I'd prefer to be deaf, though I appreciate that is not an actual choice I can make.

I need peace.

I am a biological organism. Disruption to this extent cannot carry on without secondary physiological consequences.

Meds will probably reduce in effectiveness over time or create adverse side effects. I always took the gamble that okay maybe it will buy me a year but surely I'll be a bit better by then, I'll have figured out something else or made some other breakthrough, but I'm losing that bet, it seems like.

If anything it will provide more data for this community. I can't remain at this level without trying new drugs.

EDIT: Just took a shower without earplugs and my entire auditory field is a multitonal clusterfuck.

I feel nauseous and like I'm going to break down. How is there NOTHING that modern science can do for this?

Can anyone point me to a severe reactivity success story? I feel like I'm honestly back at day 1.

What do you think about the Psilocybin stack? I honestly don't think it's a cure but stranger shit has happened...

Maybe even Ketamine?

 

[GBB]

Do you get ear pressure too? I'm finding my distortions compete a lot less with "barely" enough masking, lots of sleep, and Ginkgo biloba + Betahistine + caffeine. All cheapish and safe.

I'm still going to try out Quercetin + Bromelain + Coriolus mushroom powder before the Psilocybin.

I've never had ear pressure to begin with. Mostly just very rare burning in my ear canals, and very reactive tinnitus / distortions.

I went back up to my full med load last night and tinnitus is significantly reduced from catastrophic to bad, though my vision is blurrier again. I had been tapering for about a week and vision was improving but tinnitus was getting worse. I've read dopamine meds like Pramipexole (which I take) can interfere with the ability of the eye to focus, which is what I've been experiencing.

The craziest part is without meaning to, I slept 13 hours, from 2am to 3pm. Not sure why or how that happened.

 

[GBB]

What do you think about the Psilocybin stack? I honestly don't think it's a cure but stranger shit has happened...

Maybe even Ketamine?

I was on Lion's Mane for about 6 months when I developed catastrophic tinnitus. I believe it may have the ability to switch things on or off as it induces neuroplastic changes. After last night's insanity I decided to finish the Lion's Mane in my fridge (I haven't taken it in about 7 months).

I can't get Psilocybin where I am for now, though I have been begging people.

 

[GBB]

Just took a shower without earplugs and my entire auditory field is a multitonal clusterfuck.

I feel nauseous and like I'm going to break down.

This was the most intense thing I've been through in a while; the best metaphor was as though I was condemned at a public execution, and no one could do anything but look on. What a curse this all is.

 

[Lukee]

This was the most intense thing I've been through in a while; the best metaphor was as though I was condemned at a public execution, and no one could do anything but look on. What a curse this all is.

That really sucks. As bad as it is, just remember that there are people here who know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.

I can't get Psilocybin where I am for now, though I have been begging people.

I'm going to try the Stamets Protocol soon. Maybe you can score some spores and grow your own? It will take a little while but might be worth it.

 

[GBB]

That really sucks. As bad as it is, just remember that there are people here who know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.

I'm going to try the Stamets Protocol soon. Maybe you can score some spores and grow your own? It will take a little while but might be worth it.

Maybe I'll grow some. Prior to this I was either too bad to do it, or good enough that I didn't want to. Now I'm semi competent and suffering badly so ordering supplies may be doable.

 

[Jazzer]

The hatefulness of this condition occurs to me several times a day, but I don't want to fail.

Children, grandchildren, pussycats... They all need me.

It takes great courage and fortitude to push on, but I do it.

Love to every one of us that suffer,
Dave xx
Jazzer

 

[Adaś]

I am a biological organism. Disruption to this extent cannot carry on without secondary physiological consequences.

Some of us coping better, some worse. Nevertheless this cursed condition is transforming all of us. I don't have suicidal ideations, not anymore. But it made me really sad person inside, so f... sad, despite my "funny guy" mask I wear everyday. I miss former myself so much.

 

[Óscar PP]

Maybe you can score some spores and grow your own? It will take a little while but might be worth it.

Hey Luke, can you recommend a place to buy good spores? I assume they're legal in the EU.

 

[Lukee]

Hey Luke, can you recommend a place to buy good spores? I assume they're legal in the EU.

No idea. I'm in Canada.

 

[T-Spike]

Sorry for the wall of text, and my English, it's not my native tongue. I'm not actually suicidal.

I got tinnitus in March, 2020. "Reactive" hissing in left ear, and soon developed distortion in the right ear due to an acoustic trauma.

Basically, I disappointed myself just a week before my tinnitus anniversary (March 13th). I got paranoid, and tried to end my life. I fcked up.

I realized what I was doing once it starting to take effect. I should've called an ambulance, but my mind went blank and I drank a shitton of milk and threw up.

The fourth day after puking for like 2 days, I thought I was, and decided I was going to ignore the tinnitus and keep on living. My TTTS was basically gone after like 10 months.

I learned two weeks later I'm going become an uncle.

A week later, I noticed my progression had stopped. I went to the health center to have some bloodwork (I used a service online to order tests for liver and kidneys).

I got a reply which basically said they were fine. Well that's good. However, my tinnitus had increased, along with new noises, my TTTS was back, worse than ever. It gets triggered just by scratching the other ear. I noticed some hearing loss in my right ear. I can still hear some frequencies, just quieter.

I have basically damaged my entire auditory system. My chance for recovery has been reduced to 0. And I've probably damaged it enough to make any future drugs useless.

I'll never be able to enjoy playing musical instruments and travel again. My life is over.

I'm not suicidal, I really want to live, and become a cool uncle, but I can't live like this.

I'm thinking about traveling to Switzerland, since I don't want to take any risks and making it even worse.

If someone can give me hope or courage, feel free to throw it at me, because I really want to live, but I can't wait for years, it's too annoying.

I was a fighter, but I fcked up. Never give up, just keep fighting, and don't end like me.

EDIT: OK, it got quite long. Sorry about that.

 

[Simon85]

I disappointed myself just a week before my tinnitus anniversary (March 13th). I got paranoid, and tried to end my life. I fcked up.

Well, you f**ked up, but you are still only a couple of months into this spike. It may well, with time, taper off back to previous levels. We all make mistakes. Many people find these first few months in particular to be a very dark period and you'll have to be patient while waiting for your auditory system to settle.

Look after yourself, protect those ears and you're likely to feel a lot better in 3 to 6 months. Best of luck.

 

[roy1159]

Thanks everyone for the support and help thus far.

I have been tormented more than one could ever fathom, but if nothing can get better so I can somehow function, this nightmare has to end.

 

[Óscar PP]

Thanks everyone for the support and help thus far.

I have been tormented more than one could ever fathom, but if nothing can get better so I can somehow function, this nightmare has to end.

Hey man, how did the surgery go? Before doing anything, please give a try to Ketamine and/or Psilocybin

 

[PeteJ]

Same way someone in a wheelchair "habituates" to it.

Nope.

 

[PeteJ]

This was the most intense thing I've been through in a while; the best metaphor was as though I was condemned at a public execution, and no one could do anything but look on. What a curse this all is.

It's torture when your tinnitus is atypically loud. Lots of people have tinnitus *low enough* that they can cope. Regardless of how they describe their tinnitus, they manage to work, meet friends, etc. etc. They prefer sounds that mask the tinnitus but don't think of suicide or struggle through every day.

Mine is in the loud range in which I don't understand how it can be this severe and loud. I want a tinnitus researcher to explain it just so I know. I think it's torture, constant suffering and like death by a thousand cuts. I am scared of death but I think suicide will be the eventual outcome if this can't be treated.

Many people with severe tinnitus have committed suicide and they did it because of the tinnitus. Not because they were depressed for other reasons. It happens.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Nope.

Many can habituate to tinnitus. However, there are some unlucky few.

 

[Óscar PP]

Nope.

In the case of tinnitus, it's actually worse since there's not a single minute of respite during the day. There's no escape from it. No way to attain a moment of peace.

Has your tinnitus improved during the last year?

 

[T-Spike]

It's torture when your tinnitus is atypically loud. Lots of people have tinnitus *low enough* that they can cope. Regardless of how they describe their tinnitus, they manage to work, meet friends, etc. etc. They prefer sounds that mask the tinnitus but don't think of suicide or struggle through every day.

Mine is in the loud range in which I don't understand how it can be this severe and loud. I want a tinnitus researcher to explain it just so I know. I think it's torture, constant suffering and like death by a thousand cuts. I am scared of death but I think suicide will be the eventual outcome if this can't be treated.

Many people with severe tinnitus have committed suicide and they did it because of the tinnitus. Not because they were depressed for other reasons. It happens.

It's really unbelievable it can get this bad.

My tinnitus before the spike was bad, but now. How the fuck. My mom thinks it can't be that bad, and that I'm just imagining things, and I'm just lazy for not doing any activities. I fucking cannot. Even the wind is torture. I cannot mask it anymore either.

I'm not going to kill myself, but not going to lie, kinda wish the suicide attempt killed me.

 

[GBB]

It's torture when your tinnitus is atypically loud. Lots of people have tinnitus *low enough* that they can cope. Regardless of how they describe their tinnitus, they manage to work, meet friends, etc. etc. They prefer sounds that mask the tinnitus but don't think of suicide or struggle through every day.

Mine is in the loud range in which I don't understand how it can be this severe and loud. I want a tinnitus researcher to explain it just so I know. I think it's torture, constant suffering and like death by a thousand cuts. I am scared of death but I think suicide will be the eventual outcome if this can't be treated.

Many people with severe tinnitus have committed suicide and they did it because of the tinnitus. Not because they were depressed for other reasons. It happens.

Yes, before I went on Pramipexole/Keppra, it was like this every day for months. Now it seems like they are wearing off and it is returning.

At the beginning it was so loud I remember trying to draw fluid into a needle and my hands were shaking non stop so I gave up. I really don't want that again.

 

[PeteJ]

In the case of tinnitus, it's actually worse since there's not a single minute of respite during the day. There's no escape from it. No way to attain a moment of peace.

Has your tinnitus improved during the last year?

Nope.

It got worse. I have loud ear ringing 24/7 and it seems to be throughout the brain although I have read others here describe that better.

In my humble opinion, the "habituation" part is subjective but I believe the possibility is related to severity. Which makes sense to me. I don't care about alleged exceptions. Just what makes sense to me.

 

[Sayeed]

@TheDanishGirl, I agree with being wary of Mirtazapine. I haven't taken it for tinnitus, but when I first got CFS I took it and at first it was nice for sleep, but after a while it made me so much worse, I started craving sugar, and alcohol and would be very depressed so much so one day I took the whole packet. Never again. It's not to scare people as it works well for most. But you must keep an eye on your existing depression and discontinue should you feel that gets worse. Not just keep going like my doctor suggested.

May I ask what your Mirtazapine dosage was? My doctor just prescribed me 15 mg at night to help with sleep and appetite. Due to getting tinnitus last month, the stress and anxiety made me lose 20 lbs in 3 weeks. He said it should help me get my appetite back and help with the anxiety. If it makes me too drowsy, he said to cut it in half to 7.5 mg.

 

[kingsfan]

the stress and anxiety made me lose 20 lbs in 3 weeks.

Interesting. I've gained about 30 lbs since my tinnitus worsened last September.

 

[Lukee]

Due to getting tinnitus last month, the stress and anxiety made me lose 20 lbs in 3 weeks.

Sayeed man. I'm in the same boat. I literally lost 20 lbs in a month.

 

[Sayeed]

Sayeed man. I'm in the same boat. I literally lost 20 lbs in a month.

Hey man! Hope you are doing well.

I think we should call it the tinnitus diet! Guaranteed to work... one way or the other.

 

[KazM]

My neuropathic pain became unbearable. That's the last thing I needed. I'm waiting for Pegasos' answer regarding if refund is possible if I'm rejected. If possible, I'm applying as soon as I get the confirmation. There is so much that I can take, at least I will know it will be temporary, I've suffered the equivalent of an entire lifetime. Don't get me wrong, the severe tinnitus and hearing problems are the most debilitating, now coupled with chronic neuropathic pain, I just don't care and won't try anything anymore.

I've reached my boiling point finally. I hope the request doesn't take a while to process. I'd like this nightmare to end ASAP. In the meantime I will make sure I have every document needed so I'm guaranteed the VAD.

Completely understand where you are at, I have had tinnitus since 2012, 24/7, from an accident and head injury. I have gone through a range of emotions, including suicide; also understand neuropathic pain as I was hit by a bus in 2000 and damage to nerves in my shoulder sent pain down my arm the likes of which I have NEVER experienced before, couldn't bear the slightest touch. Now as a result of the accident that caused my head injury I can add back injury to the list, with neuropathic pain down my legs.

What keeps me going? Knowing that while there are bad days, there can also be good days. The accidents I had could have killed me however regardless of the pain and noise I'm still alive, I breathe.

A friend of mine who has Multiple Sclerosis always says as a mantra "it's a good day, I woke up, because you're a long time dead". I have also worked for a tetraplegic, broken back at the age of 16, who despite daily challenges and the frustration, has accepted the challenge he faces every day.

My point is this: sometimes a change of perspective can help, when I hear emergency services responding to a call-out I always say "That person is probably having a worse day than me." I sometimes have trouble accepting what I face because it was caused by others, however I always hope for a better day tomorrow.

 

[tpj]

KazM, I like your attitude and outlook but some of us don't want to be alive with this condition.

 

[Ava Lugo]

Well. I can't be totally sure but I think I've improved somewhat.

Not "as" suicidal.

Still have humming and morning droning but it IS lower in volume.

I've noticed routinely that using Ginkgo biloba turns things into a louder ringing but less droning, and Betahistine IS definitely helping with the thudding in high repetitive doses (6x day 16 mg).

Giving Mirtazapine, in a small dose, a try after another SSRI to help sleep (I don't know if the improvement is down to the fact that I'm getting more sleep now).

GABA drugs do work for distortions initially but I'll have hell to pay that night or following day. Coming off them causes large spikes in thumps / wavering.

Exploding Head Syndrome STARTED on Zopiclone (I use it occasionally but maybe I build tolerance very fast), and I can reproduce it by USING it again, so obviously there's some inhibitory pathway that's being turned down from the drugs. Ironically the same drug reduces distortion (as does Kava Kava), tinnitus, and can nuke new tones. Thankfully, it seems much less if not gone after being off of Zopiclone for a week.

I literally wanted to fucking die waking up to BOOMS at 4 am when I had to work.

Best to let it try to rebalance regulation with minimal drugs.

Nothing else has changed. Distortion and tinnitus still sucks a lot, but sleeping well is so key to not wanting to jump into traffic.

Sleeping is very important. I see sleeping as a break from a shitty quality of life and a vacation from unmaskable intrusive tinnitus.