Suicidal

[Rainer]

I have reached the point where I'm not afraid of offing myself anymore, that fear is what kept me alive for over a year, this and the false hope that things would somehow get better with time.

Did you not have surgery some ten days ago?

Do you think it is already certain at this time that the surgery did not and will not change anything?

 

[Hamsti]

Maybe there is a "I don't care" pill on the way. I hope it's Ketamine.

I have to survive about 18-20 years, my little one is seven months old.

 

[Matchbox]

I'm wondering what should I do with all the money I have saved. I thought about going on a trip to burn my money before I off myself but then COVID-19 happened and my physical health deteriorated beyond repair.

As much as I accepted the fact that my life is over I can't help but be jealous of everyone around me when I'm outside seeing people living life, it's so unfair.

I still insist to rehabilitate my legs before offing myself even though I'm suffering tremendously. I guess it has to do with the fact that I will be dead soon anyway so it doesn't matter. I'm doing nothing with my life anyway.

I will make sure to redirect people in my life to Tinnitus Talk so they can have a glimpse of what I have been through, but words aren't enough to describe it.

I have reached the point where I'm not afraid of offing myself anymore, that fear is what kept me alive for over a year, this and the false hope that things would somehow get better with time.

At least I tried.

Suicide is truly the end man. I know it hurts... but can't you get on disability while waiting this out for treatment? Yes it sucks but having a deadline of say a decade and then doing yourself in wouldn't that be better?

Hope you'll at least try some different drugs for silence. I'd want to die to silence.
Last night was agony. Ocean waves sound terrible... it was the one thing I loved the beach for... it was my heart and home. Really hit traumatically hard that this isn't just some nightmare, it's life and I don't know myself how much longer I can take getting worse.

 

[Chinmoku]

As much as I accepted the fact that my life is over I can't help but be jealous of everyone around me when I'm outside seeing people living life, it's so unfair.

I think many of us feel exactly the same. I try to become aware of those thoughts and let them pass whenever I see normal/happy people, because they don't do me any good, but it's a bombardment and there are so many things we lost... on the other hand there are also people who suffer horribly and persevere. I just don't have their vocation and strength, as much as I admire them.

I will make sure to redirect people in my life to Tinnitus Talk so they can have a glimpse of what I have been through, but words aren't enough to describe it.

I sometimes think, if I ever get out of this (which looks less and less likely every day) I will have to write down this story. However, as you say, there's no way to convey the continued torture and horror these conditions put us through. I wouldn't know how to write it down. There was a user here called @Bam who was very talented in that. Who knows where he is now. I sincerely hope he got better and he is fine now but I'm afraid that's not what happened.

I have reached the point where I'm not afraid of offing myself anymore, that fear is what kept me alive for over a year, this and the false hope that things would somehow get better with time.

At least I tried.

I do believe things will get better in time. Medicine will progress from being largely a management of symptoms to a real science, the problem is how long it will take. For treatments that could impact us positively we would need to wait at least 5-10 years I think, but I'm so bad that even 5 days now look like eternity.

There is no way I can go on like this for years without improvement. It's a minute by minute battle. Like you, I would like to think that I tried everything possible. There are a couple more things I might try, even if in this state of suffering doing anything feels like pushing a mountain and I feel I am out of gas. The torture is winning, it has all the weapons, I have nothing left.

Still, you had a surgery planned. Did it go through? Wouldn't it be worth it to give it a few more weeks to see if some benefits emerge?

 

[Chinmoku]

Because I am worse then ever on it, and I think it's the Mirtazapine that's hurting me. I can also barely walk up the stairs anymore. I get winded so easily and that's probably also due to Mirtazapine. Plus I feel like a zombie on it, most of the time.

I got a load of eye floaters after being on Mirtazapine for some months. I have talked to others who have experinced the same with Mirtazapine. It's an awful drug... or at least for me it has been.

Could you try to wean off it or do you fear rebound insomnia/depression?

I'm so sorry to hear that this drug is impacting you so badly. To think it is touted as safe and perhaps the only non-ototoxic antidepressant. I have floaters and visual snow, my tinnitus screams so bad that once I wake up I have very little chances of falling asleep again. If I'm lucky that happens at 3-4 AM, if I'm unlucky at 1 AM. To fall asleep again the only thing I could do would be taking an extra benzo, which I don't want to do.

A neurologist suggested Mirtazapine 7.5 mg for sleep. I had tried it many years ago, but it would make me super depressed in the morning, and now that I have floaters and visual snow it looks too risky. So I'm not keen to try again. An alternative would be low dose Quetiapine but God knows what a regular intake of that antipsychotic would do to my tinnitus long term. Even at 1/4 of the smallest pill it puts me down for the night but it increases the tinnitus in my good ear. It is very powerful.

I think we would both benefit from Orexin based drugs for sleep, but Dayvigo is not available in our countries yet. That could work well and allow us to avoid Mirtazapine and Quetiapine, or Gabaergic sleep pills. Who knows when they will be available in the UK. Everything is so slow.

 

[Mary97]

Hi everyone. I am really struggling today as well. I've had reactive tinnitus and hyperacusis for 4 years and live and work in loud environments. Practically every second of every day for 4 years I am in panic of what's coming. For about the last month I've had a piccolo sound in my left ear. It sends me to such despair sometimes.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Could you try to wean off it or do you fear rebound insomnia/depression?

I'm so sorry to hear that this drug is impacting you so badly. To think it is touted as safe and perhaps the only non-ototoxic antidepressant. I have floaters and visual snow, my tinnitus screams so bad that once I wake up I have very little chances of falling asleep again. If I'm lucky that happens at 3-4 AM, if I'm unlucky at 1 AM. To fall asleep again the only thing I could do would be taking an extra benzo, which I don't want to do.

A neurologist suggested Mirtazapine 7.5 mg for sleep. I had tried it many years ago, but it would make me super depressed in the morning, and now that I have floaters and visual snow it looks too risky. So I'm not keen to try again. An alternative would be low dose Quetiapin but God knows what a regular intake of that antipsychotic would do to my tinnitus long term. Even at 1/4 of the smallest pill it puts me down for the night but it increases the tinnitus in my good ear. It is very powerful.

I think we would both benefit from Orexin based drugs for sleep, but Dayvigo is not available in our countries yet. That could work well and allow us to avoid Mirtazapine and Quetiapine, or Gabaergic sleep pills. Who knows when they will be available in the UK. Everything is so slow.

No, the withdrawal is too bad, even when doing it slowly.

I don't think I need it as much for sleep anymore, but yes, I am afraid of insomnia during taper as I wouldn't be able to deal with that, on top of all the other pains. I tried Quetiapine for some months before getting on Mirtazapine. I tried both 25 mg, 50 mg and 75 mg and neither helped me sleep at all, just made me feel "weird and off" (it did help to quiet my racing thoughts though). I have a friend that swears by Quetiapine for sleep though, 25 mg. With meds it's so individual what works and how it works. Even pretty heavy doses of benzos didn't put me down, like Mirtazapine did in the first months. With benzos it would still take me an hour to fall asleep and I would "only" sleep like 7 hours. With Mirtazapine it completely knocked me out to the point where I couldn't stand on my legs 15 minutes after taking it and I would easily sleep 10 hours on it. That says something about how heavily Mirtazapine impacts my system, I think.

I wish I could get off it, but I just don't see how. I wish there was something to counteract the withdrawal, but there isn't, so...

 

[AliasM]

this state that never allows for an equilibrium; for seven and one half years when waking every morning I have had to determinedly neutralize my body-flooding panic that the day will be utterly ruined by a spike. Even when it is not, I know that the longer I go without a spike, the closer I am getting to the next one.

The writer Phillip Roth said that he regarded God as an insane father; tinnitus is especially sadistic in that it will lull me into the belief that it may eventually disappear, and then ambush me when I least expect it with day-long near incapacitation.

100% accurate. This is my life.

 

[Orions Pain]

Anyone else feel like they exist in a state of suffering where you no longer want to be here, and this overwhelming sense of being appreciative of life and how amazing it can be? I always think about if we're cured, I'll never take a single thing for granted ever again as corny as that sounds.

I hate how I've gotten a taste of how horrible medical conditions can be at a young age, it has ruined my mind a bit.

 

[Sentinel]

Anyone else feel like they exist in a state of suffering where you no longer want to be here, and this overwhelming sense of being appreciative of life and how amazing it can be? I always think about if we're cured, I'll never take a single thing for granted ever again as corny as that sounds.

I hate how I've gotten a taste of how horrible medical conditions can be at a young age, it has ruined my mind a bit.

The albeit brief glimpses of what life could be beyond the tinnitus and the drugs needed to stave off total depression and crippling anxiety are the only thing that keeps me going.

My brother just graduated high school and I was so brokenhearted seeing him and his friends with such optimism and excitement for their accomplishment and the plans they had. We had a party for him and I tried so hard to stay upbeat but everything just seems like a mirror to my own problems. It made me think about high school and how few friends I have left from the whole experience. Makes it even worse when you can't even get a friend to go out to dinner with or go for a hike, anything to just get away from the drudgery of dealing with this beast.

I just want to not care about this thing in my head anymore. Deep sleep is the only thing I truly enjoy now, I just have to hope for the dreams I have to be pleasant, as they frequently seem to reflect the reality that lies on the surface. I'll never take any of all of these things for granted if things turn around.

 

[Vicki14]

When and if I am able to resettle in the United States, I would like to get some land somewhere in New England, maybe in New Hampshire tucked away in the White Mountains.

This land will have private cabins where my friends who suffer from debilitating tinnitus and hyperacusis can come to live (for free) and die in peace when that time comes. Holistic living, sauna, walks, massage, benzos, meds, cannabis and whatever a sufferer needed is fine. The management suffers, understands, and passes no judgement. Noise and aggression issues won't be an issue and no demands will be made, except for being somewhat polite; being happy is not a demand but if one feel happiness then that's a blessing and may lead to feeling it more.
A safe place for sufferers with bad tinnitus and hyperacusis.

I would like to do this for us either in the United States or in my present local. I have created a space like I mentioned above but it's too small. Its cheaper to do here in Laos... I digress. I am going to need a few years unless I hit the lottery. I will keep you guys posted.

Sending love to my Pals here. I really do think of you guys all the time, my fellow sufferers of a most viscous condition.

Peace.

Count me in! Sounds bliss eh @Blue28 xxx

 

[Vicki14]

To AliasM:

Very perceptive analysis of this state that never allows for an equilibrium; for seven and one half years when waking every morning I have had to determinedly neutralize my body-flooding panic that the day will be utterly ruined by a spike. Even when it is not, I know that the longer I go without a spike, the closer I am getting to the next one.

The writer Phillip Roth said that he regarded God as an insane father; tinnitus is especially sadistic in that it will lull me into the belief that it may eventually disappear, and then ambush me when I least expect it with day-long near incapacitation.

OMG! This is EXACTLY my life! I'm going through the worst, most unexpected spike just now and feel like I've been pushed to my breaking point with this one: loud whistling, sound distortions and ear pain. I feel every time I'm getting on top of my tinnitus it ALWAYS reminds me who the boss is. I agree, it's such a cruel demonic condition...

 

[Vicki14]

Anyone else feel like they exist in a state of suffering where you no longer want to be here, and this overwhelming sense of being appreciative of life and how amazing it can be? I always think about if we're cured, I'll never take a single thing for granted ever again as corny as that sounds.

I hate how I've gotten a taste of how horrible medical conditions can be at a young age, it has ruined my mind a bit.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. The rare days I felt better, my mood instantly lightens and I feel like a different person! I'm not interested in meds to numb the pain and add to our problems. If this noise stopped tomorrow, I'd never ask for anything again. It's such a cruel unfair existence being tortured by a noise! x

 

[Vicki14]

I cannot live like this!

But I don't want to make everyone around me feel the same afterwards!

How can I explain the inexplicable?

I feel really sorry but enough is enough!

Jeremy

Does anyone know how @jeremy06 is doing now? Xx

 

[roy1159]

Suicide is truly the end man. I know it hurts... but can't you get on disability while waiting this out for treatment? Yes it sucks but having a deadline of say a decade and then doing yourself in wouldn't that be better?

Hope you'll at least try some different drugs for silence. I'd want to die to silence.
Last night was agony. Ocean waves sound terrible... it was the one thing I loved the beach for... it was my heart and home. Really hit traumatically hard that this isn't just some nightmare, it's life and I don't know myself how much longer I can take getting worse.

I did try everything. Apart from drugs that are unavailable. I tried also everything to diagnose my hearing problems that baffled even a professor of audiology. I'm also dealing with other physical ailments that make me even more dysfunctional than I already am. Suicide is the only choice left for me sadly. I really wanted to return to even 10% of normal life. I accept that's it's not possible but what I can't accept is this torturous meaningless existence, I'm a waste oxygen at this point.

you had a surgery planned. Did it go through? Wouldn't it be worth it to give it a few more weeks to see if some benefits emerge?

My surgery itself went well but nothing changed regarding the ear problems. I will wait another 2 weeks until my TMJ is back to full function before I off myself just in case.

A cure or treatment are years away and as you have said, when every minute is torturous waiting for years is not even an option. My suicide is inevitable as I really tried everything there is for me to try in my situation. I refuse to be disabled like this anymore and won't take any drugs to make myself even number than I already am. F this stupid life.

 

[Óscar PP]

No, the withdrawal is too bad, even when doing it slowly.

I don't think I need it as much for sleep anymore, but yes, I am afraid of insomnia during taper as I wouldn't be able to deal with that, on top of all the other pains. I tried Quetiapine for some months before getting on Mirtazapine. I tried both 25 mg, 50 mg and 75 mg and neither helped me sleep at all, just made me feel "weird and off" (it did help to quiet my racing thoughts though). I have a friend that swears by Quetiapine for sleep though, 25 mg. With meds it's so individual what works and how it works. Even pretty heavy doses of benzos didn't put me down, like Mirtazapine did in the first months. With benzos it would still take me an hour to fall asleep and I would "only" sleep like 7 hours. With Mirtazapine it completely knocked me out to the point where I couldn't stand on my legs 15 minutes after taking it and I would easily sleep 10 hours on it. That says something about how heavily Mirtazapine impacts my system, I think.

I wish I could get off it, but I just don't see how. I wish there was something to counteract the withdrawal, but there isn't, so...

What about an extremely slow taper, the sort that would only reduce 1-2% of the drug every two weeks? I believe our body wouldn't be able to notice it.

 

[Chinmoku]

No, the withdrawal is too bad, even when doing it slowly.

I have the same situation with Clonazepam. Actually I keep worsening on a stable dose. If I try to reduce even 5%, the worsening accelerates. At some point I tried to increase but that didn't really help substantially, it made sleep better but during the day it was the same torture.

I'm stuck in an impossible situation. I hope at some points our brains have had enough and kind of reset but it's a tiny hope.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

What about an extremely slow taper, the sort that would only reduce 1-2% of the drug every two weeks? I believe our body wouldn't be able to notice it.

I wouldn't be surprised if my body reacted to even such a slow taper, but it's an option maybe.

 

[Lukee]

I did try everything. Apart from drugs that are unavailable. I tried also everything to diagnose my hearing problems that baffled even a professor of audiology. I'm also dealing with other physical ailments that make me even more dysfunctional than I already am. Suicide is the only choice left for me sadly. I really wanted to return to even 10% of normal life. I accept that's it's not possible but what I can't accept is this torturous meaningless existence, I'm a waste oxygen at this point.

My surgery itself went well but nothing changed regarding the ear problems. I will wait another 2 weeks until my TMJ is back to full function before I off myself just in case.

A cure or treatment are years away and as you have said, when every minute is torturous waiting for years is not even an option. My suicide is inevitable as I really tried everything there is for me to try in my situation. I refuse to be disabled like this anymore and won't take any drugs to make myself even number than I already am. F this stupid life.

Hey man, have you looked into LDN at all? I'm sure you could find someone to prescribe it. Given the crazy amount of issues you've been having, it could be autoimmune. Side effects are basically non-existent and I think you should try it out.

 

[Johnny Karate]

I just wanted to report that I just went through an almost two month spike that doubled the volume of my constant severe tinnitus. I thought for sure I had gone from a 7/10 to a 9.8/10 permanently. It was so bad I was considering trying to get on disability as I thought I had reached my point of being able to function.

I took 2 rounds of 9-day tapered oral Methylprednisolone steroids to try and reverse the spike and it didn't help.

I finally took some Flexeril 5 mg and for some reason the next day the spike had lowered. The tinnitus went back up the day after and I waited and took another dose of Flexeril at night. The spike went down and has been down for the 2nd week in a row now.

Maybe I just needed some rest as my tinnitus and insomnia keep me from getting a lot of sleep. I also took a 4 day vacation from work and by the end of it my tinnitus was lower than it has been in a couple of months.

I have had severe spikes in the past go away as well.

This was the longest one I have ever had and it started after a car backfired right beside me on the road. My son in the car said it sounded like a gunshot and we both jerked hard when it happened.

Keep in mind that all of your tinnitus will return to a good baseline. Take time for yourself, relax and get a good solid few days of 8 hours of sleep. Spikes can last a very long time.

 

[Óscar PP]

Actually I had a common cold a week or two before but nothing abnormal besides that. I didn't have any balance or vestibular issues either, just went to sleep and woke up and it was there.

There it is. I KNEW IT.

No common cold my friend, you got the freaking COVID-19 which also wrecked my auditory system, as it has done for thousands of others.

Your tinnitus, your hearing loss, your distortions, your neuropathic pain, all is caused by this nasty virus even if you had a mild acute phase, like many long COVID-19 sufferers had.

 

[roy1159]

There it is. I KNEW IT.

No common cold my friend, you got the freaking COVID-19 which also wrecked my auditory system, as it has done for thousands of others.

Your tinnitus, your hearing loss, your distortions, your neuropathic pain, all is caused by this nasty virus even if you had a mild acute phase, like many long COVID-19 sufferers had.

I'm having a hard time believing that COVID-19 caused my ear problems to that extent but I will never really know. I lean towards the noise in the cafe causing the damage.

Hey man, have you looked into LDN at all? I'm sure you could find someone to prescribe it. Given the crazy amount of issues you've been having, it could be autoimmune. Side effects are basically non-existent and I think you should try it out.

There is actually a very good chance I have an autoimmune disease according to recent blood work but I'm still waiting for more results to confirm diagnosis.

 

[Lukee]

There is actually a very good chance I have an autoimmune disease according to recent blood work but I'm still waiting for more results to confirm diagnosis.

I suggest then you try out LDN. It has helped people with autoimmune ear conditions. The downsides are practically none especially for someone who is at the end of their rope. You will need to give it a chance to work, however, so be prepared to see its effects over several weeks if not months. For some people like @Samantha R, the effects were pretty much immediate, for others it takes some time.

Another solution could be IVIg therapy. It has been used in the treatment of autoimmune diseases successfully for many years. I think you need to start to look at this as autoimmune especially if your blood work is suggestive of autoimmune disease. One more thing to consider is that not all autoimmune diseases have clear markers and may not show up in blood work. Even Lupus (SLE) is not always detectable in blood samples. Many times autoimmune diseases are a diagnosis by elimination and given how distressing your condition is, you should maybe start to treat it as such.

Good luck.

 

[Orions Pain]

It's so unfair how many people are able to spend a lifetime surrounded by loud noise and just get some mild tinnitus, maybe a bit of hearing loss.

This is too much - being sound sensitive with ear pain and raging tinnitus is such a cruel unfair situation.

 

[Jrblovsky]

It's so unfair how many people are able to spend a lifetime surrounded by loud noise and just get some mild tinnitus, maybe a bit of hearing loss.

This is too much - being sound sensitive with ear pain and raging tinnitus is such a cruel unfair situation.

I know many people who spend time around super loud noise and don't have tinnitus at all. We just got totally screwed in our genetics I guess.

 

[kingsfan]

Well here I am. Tinnitus kicked up another notch yet again a few days ago. I'm hoping it goes back down, but so far I've never had the volume go down or a sound go away once something new comes along.

I was doing alright, finding ways to cope. I think I'm now past my threshold of tolerance. Is it going to keep getting worse? It just doesn't stop. Doesn't give me a chance to find some level of normalcy.

I'm going to try a few more drug options and hopefully something helps. Not looking for a cure, just to get back under my personal threshold of tolerance. Performing my job is getting harder and harder. My bosses see it. I'm now on probation at work, even though I work all hours of the day trying to keep up. It's only matter of time before I find myself jobless.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Well here I am. Tinnitus kicked up another notch yet again a few days ago. I'm hoping it goes back down, but so far I've never had the volume go down or a sound go away once something new comes along.

I was doing alright, finding ways to cope. I think I'm now past my threshold of tolerance. Is it going to keep getting worse? It just doesn't stop. Doesn't give me a chance to find some level of normalcy.

I'm going to try a few more drug options and hopefully something helps. Not looking for a cure, just to get back under my personal threshold of tolerance. Performing my job is getting harder and harder. My bosses see it. I'm now on probation at work, even though I work all hours of the day trying to keep up. It's only matter of time before I find myself jobless.

How fast are your changes occurring?

 

[kingsfan]

How fast are your changes occurring?

About every other month.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

About every other month.

Oh god wtf. I'm not taking any meds because I'm afraid of this.

 

[kingsfan]

I had no choice but to take Doxycycline a few months ago for a skin infection on my eyelid, and between that and the vaccine, just put it over the edge. I don't know what I did over the weekend to make it worse, it was either Flonase or the restaurant I went to on my birthday the weekend before...