Suicidal

[PeteJ]

How can I give myself cancer? Seriously...
I dare whoever is in charge of this world to give me terminal cancer. Bring it!

Do you smoke?

 

[PeteJ]

My tinnitus is way worse than my hyperacusis. It's shocking reading some people's hyperacusis here. I get ear pain from noise but I can tell others have it way worse in that regard.

My tinnitus spikes from noise and then I am terrified of a new baseline. I have VERY RARE fluctuations in which it seems I lost some tones or the volume/intensity has lessened somewhat but only because I perceive it changed from sheer hell to "normal hell" but it's very brief and temporary.

My spike is in the first week now.

It also makes me mad that research money is into other things (you know what) while these two conditions continue to be ignored. I hate being so mad all the time. :-(

 

[Exit]

I'm back to watching body bizarre... sadly same f... episodes as 10 years ago...

But it gives some relief to see that things could still be even worse..

And feeling some guilt when I see them cope...

 

[Lurius]

Around 8:30 PM last evening my tinnitus went completely bananas in a way it hasn't done before. It just got worse and worse and worse. Eventually I conceded and told my mom I'm coming to sleep at her place tonight. Got literally 0 sleep and now I haven't slept at all in 5 days. When I went to take a piss in the morning, I saw there was a lot of these red dots all over my face. A stress reaction. So now tinnitus is literally making me uglier.

If I don't sleep soon, I'm going to have a manic episode. I'm thinking of ending it all the time now. I got to hold on for another week so I can speak to Dirk De Ridder and maybe get some answers. This is gonna be the toughest week of my life so far.

 

[Exit]

Around 8:30 PM last evening my tinnitus went completely bananas in a way it hasn't done before. It just got worse and worse and worse. Eventually I conceded and told my mom I'm coming to sleep at her place tonight. Got literally 0 sleep and now I haven't slept at all in 5 days. When I went to take a piss in the morning, I saw there was a lot of these red dots all over my face. A stress reaction. So now tinnitus is literally making me uglier.

If I don't sleep soon, I'm going to have a manic episode. I'm thinking of ending it all the time now. I got to hold on for another week so I can speak to Dirk De Ridder and maybe get some answers. This is gonna be the toughest week of my life so far.

Hey, you have a clue why it got worse suddenly?

 

[Lurius]

Hey, you have a clue why it got worse suddenly?

It's been going on for a while. This isn't the first time it gets like this, it was just crazy how it continued to spiral upwards for hours, even through the night.

I've chucked it down to 4 things that could have made it so much worse:

• Natural progression of symptoms. Simply put, things just got worse by itself. Statistics show that a lot of people with bilateral tinnitus ends up with unilateral tinnitus eventually. However, this came on so suddenly that I don't find this very likely.
• Could be the Alimemazine I took to sleep. But I only took it for a few weeks. And tinnitus is not a common side effect. However, I've become extremely skeptical of antihistamines.
• Could be Lenire, but I used it for 9 months with no issue before. So again, I'm unsure.
• Could be the Olanzapine, which I quit and tapered over 3 months. I'm currently thinking this is the one, after researching withdrawal symptoms. However, it's strange for such serious withdrawal effects to appear 2 months after quitting.

I'm definitely asking Dirk De Ridder about this.

 

[Gabriel5050]

I feel horrible. Since last night I got yet another spike. I sincerely hope it won't turn into a permanent increase in volume. I don't want to go through the struggle of habituation again. If I can even do it, it will be a long process. Y'all know how it is.

I don't even remember the last time I left my house. How the hell am I supposed to sustain myself in any capacity in the future. It's only been getting worse. There wasn't even that much noise coming from the outside. God, I hope it can boil down to just stress and it goes back to the previous level once I manage to get some sleep. Big hugs to all the other struggling people out there. I hope you can live through this and benefit from any sort of happiness. I hope this for all of us.

 

[Uklawyer]

@Lurius, I'm sorry you are going through this. You seemed so positive with your previous threads (on CBD oil, I believe).

Have you taken benzos before? Have they not helped with the tinnitus?

 

[Stacken77]

However, I've become extremely sceptical of antihistamines.

I took Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine with anticholinergic effects for a little more days than usual in February, and I believe I developed new tones, and maybe worsened hyperacusis because of it. I'd only take it again if I'm on the brink of sanity, but otherwise I try to avoid any medication.

 

[Lurius]

@Lurius, I'm sorry you are going through this. You seemed so positive with your previous threads (on CBD oil, I believe).

Have you taken benzos before? Have they not helped with the tinnitus?

Yes, I had 2 really good weeks in June. I didn't care and I even had silence. I began to believe I was finally getting on the path to total silence. So I made some very positive sounding posts. However, none of them had anything to do with CBD oil. I've never used that or said anything about it, so maybe you're confusing me with someone else?

I've never taken benzos and I don't plan to. From what I understand they are extremely addictive and almost impossible to get out of your system once you start.

 

[Exit]

It's been going on for a while. This isn't the first time it gets like this, it was just crazy how it continued to spiral upwards for hours, even through the night.

I've chucked it down to 4 things that could have made it so much worse:

• Natural progression of symptoms. Simply put, things just got worse by itself. Statistics show that a lot of people with bilateral tinnitus ends up with unilateral tinnitus eventually. However, this came on so suddenly that I don't find this very likely.
• Could be the Alimemazine I took to sleep. But I only took it for a few weeks. And tinnitus is not a common side effect. However, I've become extremely skeptical of antihistamines.
• Could be Lenire, but I used it for 9 months with no issue before. So again, I'm unsure.
• Could be the Olanzapine, which I quit and tapered over 3 months. I'm currently thinking this is the one, after researching withdrawal symptoms. However, it's strange for such serious withdrawal effects to appear 2 months after quitting.

I'm definitely asking Dirk De Ridder about this.

Christ... :/

I've progressed to worse for no reasons too. In month 3-5 it went to the other ear.

Do you live normally or protect against everyone and everything?

 

[Exit]

I feel horrible. Since last night I got yet another spike. I sincerely hope it won't turn into a permanent increase in volume. I don't want to go through the struggle of habituation again. If I can even do it, it will be a long process. Y'all know how it is.

I don't even remember the last time I left my house. How the hell am I supposed to sustain myself in any capacity in the future. It's only been getting worse. There wasn't even that much noise coming from the outside. God, I hope it can boil down to just stress and it goes back to the previous level once I manage to get some sleep. Big hugs to all the other struggling people out there. I hope you can live through this and benefit from any sort of happiness. I hope this for all of us.

Thank you!

I hope it goes back down!

Awful to try our best and it's not enough to even make it stay the same horrible way it was...

 

[Lurius]

What volume is your tinnitus at? I actually got mine for the same reason.

You're the first person I've met on this site who got tinnitus the same way I did. I feel stupid for not noticing that sooner. I'm very pleased to meet you. And I'm really sorry you got tinnitus.

My tinnitus goes back and forth between a slight "crackle", this is not very bothersome and I can even sleep with this. But I also have a hiss and when comes on, it can go really, really loud. It can vary from a super intense "snowing TV" to a very high pitched "tone". It's awful and sometimes gives me anxiety, which I've been able to manage for a while, but I'm beginning to struggle now.

 

[dan]

My tinnitus is way worse than my hyperacusis. It's shocking reading some people's hyperacusis here. I get ear pain from noise but I can tell others have it way worse in that regard.

My tinnitus spikes from noise and then I am terrified of a new baseline. I have VERY RARE fluctuations in which it seems I lost some tones or the volume/intensity has lessened somewhat but only because I perceive it changed from sheer hell to "normal hell" but it's very brief and temporary.

My spike is in the first week now.

It also makes me mad that research money is into other things (you know what) while these two conditions continue to be ignored. I hate being so mad all the time. :-(

Sorry bro. I feel your pain, believe me.

My tinnitus has been creeping up in volume since my accidental noise exposure 2 years ago.

Now any little noise can set off a spike which takes 1-2 weeks to settle, but never to a previous baseline.

I've gone about 4 levels from an 8/10 to a 12/10 in the last 2 years.

It's ironic, my 10/10 3 years ago would now be a 5/10 today.

 

[Matchbox]

Agreed.

For me it will be a building or eating a big calibre bullet.

We're very tired too.

Wish it was a cheap fridge with tinnitus sounds instead of our heads, I wouldn't have trouble pulling the plug on that one.

Shotgun beside a train seems to be a way.

Sorry bro. I feel your pain, believe me.

My tinnitus has been creeping up in volume since my accidental noise exposure 2 years ago.

Now any little noise can set off a spike which takes 1-2 weeks to settle, but never to a previous baseline.

I've gone about 4 levels from an 8/10 to a 12/10 in the last 2 years.

It's ironic, my 10/10 3 years ago would now be a 5/10 today.

Yah, the bar just keeps moving up, when you realize your previous 10 is now a 5. Then you realize one day hearing a 20/10. Shit... there is no limit to how bad it can be.

 

[Exit]

My ears scream frantically with 7 noises at same time but I'm dead tired so I hope to sleep well tonight.

Wish everyone here the same.

 

[Exit]

Sorry bro. I feel your pain, believe me.

My tinnitus has been creeping up in volume since my accidental noise exposure 2 years ago.

Now any little noise can set off a spike which takes 1-2 weeks to settle, but never to a previous baseline.

I've gone about 4 levels from an 8/10 to a 12/10 in the last 2 years.

It's ironic, my 10/10 3 years ago would now be a 5/10 today.

Exchange ironic with surreal...

 

[pleasejuststop]

If we just could go outside and at least live normal there, it would have been only half as bad... It's horrible...

I see you've been suffering longer than me. Actually one of your suicidal posts were from around the time I was stupid and ruined my last chance of happiness. I have other conditions that have stopped me from living a fulfilling life for the last 10-15 years but at least I could go out or stay inside without fear.

Still even if I had hope I often found myself imagining jumping over the fence whenever I was high up.. It used to scare me a lot, so I walked close to walls and such, trying to shake the thoughts away. I guess it was some sort of creepy destiny my subconscious always knew... :/

I don't see the date as important, in my mind I feel relief that I can do it whenever I want. Preferably I'll stay a few more years so my mum doesn't have to bury me.

Has it been as awful as today since 2015 for you...? Do you have many sounds? Loud? Hyperacusis or problems with hearing?

My sounds just keep getting worse as if it's a disease and not a one time noise trauma.

It's been horrible. I am absolutely desperate. I'm terrified of being left alive, on life support machines, forced to exist. I'm literally vomiting from stress. I just want to die. I don't have enough money for euthanasia and no one will give it to me. I feel like I'm going insane every day.

 

[Exit]

It's been horrible. I am absolutely desperate. I'm terrified of being left alive, on life support machines, forced to exist. I'm literally vomiting from stress. I just want to die. I don't have enough money for euthanasia and no one will give it to me. I feel like I'm going insane every day.

I'm so sorry...

How old are you? Do you have other diseases that makes you fear life support?

I'm having trouble grasping why I get worse slowly. How has it developed for you?

 

[dan]

I have the Tinnitoosy, with some Hyperacusy.

 

[dan]

This is hell. I just want it to stop. Is anyone here on antidepressants for the panic attacks, or anything else? I have severe anxiety and OCD on top of the tinnitus. I've tried so many drugs.

I used to suffer 3 years horrible panic attacks on a daily basis before tinnitus.

A lot of sex and good sleep cured it.

The panic attacks probably set me up for severe tinnitus. The perfect storm...

 

[Wrfortiscue]

I used to suffer 3 years horrible panic attacks on a daily basis before tinnitus.

A lot of sex and good sleep cured it.

The panic attacks probably set me up for severe tinnitus. The perfect storm...

Man I can't even jerk off now because the tinnitus goes berserk. Sex, can't even get it up lol. I was semi suicidal before this new tinnitus, because of chronic GERD, prostatitis, fatigue, muscle weakness and chronic headaches. I'm just like cmon man lol.

 

[Matchbox]

I'm getting to the point of trying anything to stop this. I'm not talking about the hissing ringing tinnitus, or even the hums, or the pain when hearing a louder sound.

I'm talking about waking up each morning to the sound of seashells in both ears.

I'm talking about being unable to listen to music without hearing crickets, wavering and meep meeps from the Wile E. Coyote & the Road Runnercoyote cartoons.

I'm talking about hearing something softly quietly in the distance, and my tinnitus now having that sound mimicking it where I go.

I'm talking about hearing my furnace or a vacuum and the sound sticking with me along with epic seashell sounds.

I'm talking about drinking more and more and taking more and more drugs in the vain hope it works, turning my music ever higher to maybe hide the distortion... but it doesn't work, there is no longer any escape.

I'm talking about looking at my shotgun every day or hating work days because I never got to truly relax.

I'm talking about the last time I actually heard real music or didn't hear distortion outside I cried.

I'm talking about not a single doctor fucking taking this seriously as more than "just tinnitus", and being made worse, yes WORSE because of THEM. It is THEIR fault not mine! And I just got dropped from their practise because now they're "afraid" of what they did or I'm too "annoying" and they can't help me (rather won't put in the effort and time to try beyond their textbooks).

I want to end my life and it is so hard to hang on and I feel like so much has been stolen from me that it's a matter of time.

Every weekend I post here because every weekend I realize how bad I am and how far away from my old life I've gotten and that I can't possibly find my happiness again, because I'm constantly tormented.

 

[Simon85]

I want to end my life and it is so hard to hang on and I feel like so much has been stolen from me that it's a matter of time

Hang in there @Matchbox. I'm rooting for you to get through. If I recall correctly you may have a son or daughter on the way - they'll need a dad. I know it may appear cruel, but I doubt you'll feel this way forever. Best to give it time.

 

[Exit]

I have a success story that suits us here:

An old rough manly man in Alaska or some shit like that got tinnitus 2 decades ago from shooting too many grisly bears and chainsaw every week without hearing protection of course...

Anyhow one evening on his way home to cabin with a dead bear on the back of his snowmobile he crashes head first and ruptured his skull! Tinnitus gone!

He got his head fixed at the hospital and lived happily ever after!

I've heard the story but don't remember where. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if it's true!

Warning: I hit my head with knuckles one night in frustration and the tinnitus got louder for about 2 months...

So perhaps let it be a last resort

 

[Wrfortiscue]

I'm getting to the point of trying anything to stop this. I'm not talking about the hissing ringing tinnitus, or even the hums, or the pain when hearing a louder sound.

I'm talking about waking up each morning to the sound of seashells in both ears.

I'm talking about being unable to listen to music without hearing crickets, wavering and meep meeps from the Wile E. Coyote & the Road Runnercoyote cartoons.

I'm talking about hearing something softly quietly in the distance, and my tinnitus now having that sound mimicking it where I go.

I'm talking about hearing my furnace or a vacuum and the sound sticking with me along with epic seashell sounds.

I'm talking about drinking more and more and taking more and more drugs in the vain hope it works, turning my music ever higher to maybe hide the distortion... but it doesn't work, there is no longer any escape.

I'm talking about looking at my shotgun every day or hating work days because I never got to truly relax.

I'm talking about the last time I actually heard real music or didn't hear distortion outside I cried.

I'm talking about not a single doctor fucking taking this seriously as more than "just tinnitus", and being made worse, yes WORSE because of THEM. It is THEIR fault not mine! And I just got dropped from their practise because now they're "afraid" of what they did or I'm too "annoying" and they can't help me (rather won't put in the effort and time to try beyond their textbooks).

I want to end my life and it is so hard to hang on and I feel like so much has been stolen from me that it's a matter of time.

Every weekend I post here because every weekend I realize how bad I am and how far away from my old life I've gotten and that I can't possibly find my happiness again, because I'm constantly tormented.

Hang in there man. How are you getting worse and worse? I look forward to reading your posts (I know that it doesn't matter to you). I would hate for you to end it and something comes out to cure or at least alleviate something.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

I have a success story that suits us here:

An old rough manly man in Alaska or some shit like that got tinnitus 2 decades ago from shooting too many grisly bears and chainsaw every week without hearing protection of course...

Anyhow one evening on his way home to cabin with a dead bear on the back of his snowmobile he crashes head first and ruptured his skull! Tinnitus gone!

He got his head fixed at the hospital and lived happily ever after!

I've heard the story but don't remember where. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if it's true!

Warning: I hit my head with knuckles one night in frustration and the tinnitus got louder for about 2 months...

So perhaps let it be a last resort

How are you doing? Any progress?

 

[Marcuso22]

I have a success story that suits us here:

An old rough manly man in Alaska or some shit like that got tinnitus 2 decades ago from shooting too many grisly bears and chainsaw every week without hearing protection of course...

Anyhow one evening on his way home to cabin with a dead bear on the back of his snowmobile he crashes head first and ruptured his skull! Tinnitus gone!

He got his head fixed at the hospital and lived happily ever after!

I've heard the story but don't remember where. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if it's true!

Warning: I hit my head with knuckles one night in frustration and the tinnitus got louder for about 2 months...

So perhaps let it be a last resort

Firstly, it wouldn't be a rupture. It would be a fractured skull. Secondly, it's most likely a folk tale. If it happened, the person would be in hospital on heavy meds for a while causing sleepiness. That's about the only thing that would perhaps give the impression the tinnitus is 'gone'. It's like the joke where patient tells his doctor that his right toe hurts him, so the doctor stomps really firmly on his left toe and the patient yells out in pain & then the doctor asks him how's your right toe feel now? May have been an episode on the three stooges though.

 

[dan]

I'm talking about waking up each morning to the sound of seashells in both ears.

Sounds nice... I hope not too loud though.

 

[Exit]

How are you doing? Any progress?

I'm awful. Progress is getting worse...