Suicidal

I read the the report of my last doctor visit through the patient portal, and my doctor actually put in my report that I wasn't taking my benzo three times per day as prescribed. I had expressed concern about building tolerance and dependency and trying to use it only as needed, but that anxiety still wasn't under control.

 

It's wild how much pressure there is to take medications with these afflictions. But it's all our own fault if we cave to the pressure and the condition worsens; we are adults, right?

 

I agree with everything @Stayinghopeful and others have said about you.

You are always looking for someone else to blame. I have suffered severe and unrelenting tinnitus for four years, which was the lowest point of my life.

Never did I blame anyone in the medical profession or at Internet forums for my plight. And yes, I also suffered severe pain hyperacusis, which is now known as noxacusis. Not once did I ever say noxacusis doesn't exist, as you claimed I said in your profile.

I have said I don't believe reactive tinnitus is a medical condition; it is a subnet of hyperacusis. It doesn't matter how many fancy words and colorful metaphors one wants to use to describe this awful condition; the underlying root cause of an ultra-sensitive auditory system is hyperacusis.

There is absolutely nothing detrimental that I have written in any of my posts to cause harm to people suffering from noise-induced tinnitus and hyperacusis. My advice is the same given by audiologists and hearing therapists to their tinnitus patients. I have always said that one should be under the care of these medical professionals if they want to treat tinnitus and hyperacusis.

Going into hibernation and removing oneself from all sounds to promote healing is absurd and absolute folly. If a person is having difficulty managing tinnitus with or without hyperacusis, they should seek professional medical advice instead of looking for someone to blame for their difficulties.

I have chosen not to alert or correspond with you directly because I find your language uncouth and extremely rude, which gives a clear indication of the type of people you mix with outside the realms of this forum and, ultimately, the way you were brought up.

Michael

 

Doctors are absolutely worthless. TRT / sound therapy has worsened many. You are helping push dangerous advice. It's like you get off ignoring the truth that many who have had damage need to isolate to save their lives and do damage control. Once you get a certain level of damage, more sound is only going to worsen further the damage to the middle ear or whatever the hell is damaged.

If you got better at putting more of what damaged you in your system, that's wild. I wish I had kept that level of damage. You got lucky to keep a lower level of damage. That's it. That's the only reason you or anyone who recovered can talk the way you do. It's just plain math. Some people got worse damage and then went quiet and were able to recover like @AnthonyMcDonald did.

The way you talk @Michael Leigh, you most definitely would have been dead with what I got long ago. You would have kept following dangerous doctors' advice that worsened me and many others until it was too late because you don't believe in time, and quiet is healing. Wild. I wish I had never seen your posts. It definitely worsened me by trying to keep listening to sounds when my tinnitus was reactive to all sounds. Baffling. You, @Stayinghopeful, and others band together. Once I'm dead solely because of reactive tinnitus, hyperacusis... you can gaslight more freely, say I was mental, and hold back the truth more that all sounds can be damaging. Hold us all back more from getting a real treatment because you and so many doctors say tinnitus is no big deal.

It's wild some sufferers aren't humble enough to preach the truth that their symptoms aren't the worst they can get, gaslight others to worsen & if they get worse from their advice, they pull the, "oh we are all adults here." Then move on to their next victim.

Tell me Karen (below article) needs sound therapy, eh? Whatever you had @Michael Leigh, it was a walk in the park compared to those who didn't get better with sound therapy. Get off your natural remission high horse.

BBC News: “Hearing my children’s laughter is like torture.”

If you aren't suicidal, why are you in a Suicidal thread unless you are here to bring others up? Get out. You sound therapy pushers just have no balls to admit you are wrong. Bully, narcissistic type.

 

The classic line right there.

But it actually is.

Anyway, why don't you focus your anger on the Moderna COVID-19 vaccines since it was actually the cause of your tinnitus worsening? Why don't you raise awareness against the dangers of vaccines like you do noise?

 

Yeah, basically it's my fault if I don't take the benzos, and it's my fault if I do take them. The doctor will never blame the benzo for what might happen, even if taken frequently as prescribed, just as he doubts the problems caused by an SSRI from the first dose that continue long after weaning off.

Reactive tinnitus is a lot different than hyperacusis or noxacusis. I think it's important to distinguish between these.

 

I'd like to point out that this is a support forum. @Travis Henry has been insanely affected by probably the worst tinnitus imaginable. This is not about suffering competition, but I think he deserves some slack. I do not agree with everything he says; I think his message would be more effective if he qualified it with some conditionals (like many medicatins can be dangerous for tinnitus sufferers vs. "all are poison"). But I agree he is right in saying, "TRT blah blah follow your doctor's advice" is very dangerous advice.

These are very complex conditions of varying etiologies and largely not understood by medical professionals, and at best, their understanding is based on outdated and discredited (see link below) theory pushed by Jastreboff. Again, I don't necessarily agree that total silence and isolation is the correct answer for everyone, but it is better to err on the cautious side than insult your auditory system with artificial white noise. Especially if the "sound therapy" advice is dished out to people with hyperacusis and/or reactive tinnitus, and this is where it is really dangerous.

As he once wrote, I think: "there is no hyperacusis epidemic among librarians."

Paper regarding lack of efficacy of TRT: Effect of Tinnitus Retraining Therapy vs Standard of Care on Tinnitus-Related Quality of Life

 

The Moderna COVID-19 vaccine caused me to experience a severe tinnitus spike for two days In 2021. As a result, I have decided not to receive any more COVID-19 shots. One and done!

 

When I was hospitalized, the nurse would come around at night and make sure we took our benzos. When I didn't need them, I had to remove them from the package and hide them in a sock so it looked like I had taken them.

If you think doctors have a God Complex when you've only dealt with them in out-patient settings, just wait until you break some bones and are dependent on them for mobility, or God forbid you have a mental problem and have to deal with them in full Nurse Ratched mode. They enjoy making their patients suffer and twisting their minds. All doctors are demons.

 

Please stop arguing here about the best approach to hyperacusis.

By the way, I'm getting scared about myself. I have reached a level of distress where I'm not seeing the point in continuing to live. I was mentally here before, but with lower tinnitus and better hearing to handle this. I don't see the way out right now. I'm so tired of all of this. 99.5% of people don't have to overcome these crazy, severe sounds in their heads. I sleep very well, and it's the only time I rest. Then, I wake up to this daily nightmare. Why do I struggle so much to get better if I always get worse tinnitus and have to start over and over again?

I keep pushing myself to wait to try the Auricle device, but the wait is getting too long, as one day feels like a year for me. I don't even know if I could access the treatment in the US since it has to be adjusted at times. Also, I can't even fly because I don't equalize pressure on planes, but I'm so desperate that I would take the risk.

I don't know what else to do. I've gone to CBT for years. In the first years, it seemed to help a lot, but at this level, it is not helping me anymore.

I want to take antidepressants, but I am scared of the side effects.

 

Your behavior and conduct are somewhat better than those of the person you refer to in your post, and that is the reason I am replying to your quote. I will not correspond with anyone who uses profanity or any type of abusive language toward me.

Reactive tinnitus, noxacusis, and anything else one wants to throw into the mix affect people who usually have noise-induced tinnitus. The underlying root cause is hyperacusis. This condition comes in many forms and intensities, and no two people will experience it the same way. If left untreated, hyperacusis can become a long-term problem. I mentioned these problems in my thread, The Complexities of Tinnitus and Hyperacusis. Unfortunately, these problems can be physical and psychological, too.

Tinnitus has been around for centuries and was first written as a medical condition by the Egyptians. They used all manner of treatments to relieve a person of the distressing sound of tinnitus, which I have documented in posts on my started threads.

I believe modern science and medicine have come a long way in helping some people to have a better quality of life living with tinnitus and treating hyperacusis. Treatments currently available are: Sound therapy, which can include white noise generators, hearing aids, medication, and counselling. One or a combination of these treatments can help a person from causing their own demise. If it weren't for Clonazepam, which my ENT consultant prescribed, I don't know what I would have done. It has helped me when nothing else would.

I rest my case,
Michael

 

Thank you for these words.

People break down because they don’t turn to God in time or study their faith. Any temptation without God, even the smallest, is beyond human strength. The Lord often puts us in extreme conditions to sharpen the question of who we are with, human: with God or with the evil one.

Trials are needed to improve our souls, for spiritual growth, and to purify our hearts how gold is purified by fire.

Every Christian must carry his own cross because the Lord himself humbly took up his and went to Calvary. God helps us bear this cross. It's a harsh thought, but it's true. In general, Christianity is the religion of mature people who are already beginning to understand something in their lives. Young people often don't get it, but most of them will because we all get old and, in the end, die.

There must be patience. After this comes humility, and then faith, hope, and love.

No suffering in this life can compare with the Kingdom of Heaven. For this reason, you can humbly endure everything in this life.

I am trying, at least a little, to be a Christian, and therefore, I have no other answers for you.

Those who commit suicide are rejecting the greatest gift of life received from God. They spit in the face of God. And it's scary. You must endure to the end in order to be at least a little cleansed of your sins, receive the crown of martyrdom, and, if God pleases, enter the Kingdom of Heaven. In my value system, there is no other way.

Suicide is the death of the soul.

 

Suppose you train your brain to fear noise; that is the worst thing you could do. The mind is powerful, and it can have a significant impact on your mental health.

Therefore, it's essential to stop being afraid of any little noise and live your life as if it doesn't bother you. Doing so will make a big difference in your mental health and tinnitus.

 

I just want to disappear.

I was afraid of eternal oblivion. I have now stopped giving a duck. That's probably what's going to happen to all of us anyway.

Keep bickering among yourselves; it's pointless. We're all going to end up in the same place, nobody will remember us, and all these bickerings will be for nothing.

Whether the end comes now or tomorrow doesn't matter.

 

I agree with a lot of what you've said. But I don't think this thread is the place for any of this, especially since you have stated that your life has improved since you started having tinnitus. Tinnitus and hyperacusis/noxacusis have ruined people's lives 100%. Compassion is needed for those in this thread.

This isn't the thread for this, either. No one wants to off themselves here, but the severity of the conditions they have are leaving them feeling hopeless. Adding guilt on top of their suffering isn't very Christian.

 

I feel you so much here. Once you get to a certain point, it's just nothing left but suffering worse and worse.

All sounds are attacking me. No place is quiet enough.

This is the only reason I preach time, no medications, and quiet so much as the number one treatment. It would have saved all who are suicidal from getting these conditions in the first place and worsening once we did if that was the to-do protocol.

Much love to the ones who truly care.

 

I was asked a question. I answered. I have no other answers. If you don’t like my answers, you will probably find yours in the psychoanalyst's office. Good luck.

 

Anyone with catastrophic tinnitus is the one humbled and doesn't have the interest or energy to mock the suffering of others. You're not catastrophic. You're just a jerk who wants to be seen as a victim and craves a hero worship on top of that.

Everything you post here is a guy looking for attention in any way possible. You rant, belittle, and state your own beliefs like science.

The type of person you constantly blame for your current state is yourself. The unkind, bullying narcissist on Tinnitus Talk is you.

You use this thread and the deaths and suicides of others as a platform for your nonsense rants.

There's no end to your lies, irrational tirades, erasing others' suffering, denying the reality that medication can and does work, 'blood on your hands' and 'murderers' nonsense - all to get you attention here.

Your downfall isn't catastrophic tinnitus by any measure. It's your intolerance for accepting you are just another person with tinnitus like the rest of us. You're not special, and your suffering isn't more important than anyone else's.

 

Sounds good, bro. I wish healing for you and everyone. No matter what, time, quiet, and no medications are the best treatment we have.

I'm used to people dumping on me because they can't handle the truth. No worries. Nothing I say is a lie. TRT is BS. None of us would be in this thread if we over-protected our ears all our lives and stayed away from medications and anything that causes tinnitus!

I'm not saying I'm anything special, but there are big differences in the level of tinnitus, hyperacusis, and noxacusis. People with just tinnitus generally have no clue.

My downfall is trusting some human beings to know and speak the truth.

I'm as close as it gets to the grave with reactive tinnitus, hyperacusis, and burning raw ears. Every sound is attacking me. There is no place quiet enough on earth. If I had read what I typed when I first got reactive tinnitus, I'd be having a quiet walk outside with no hearing protection on — and not talking to you.

I haven't been outside without worsening since April 2022.

It's a sickening feeling to know death is the only thing you got left, all because doctors have shit protocols.

Goodbye to this beautiful world. I wish I had never invested much time in people. Being raised by narcissists is pure hell. Dementia from birth, basically, in a way. I didn't wake up from the mind fuck till 35. I died at 40, all because I stayed near trash people. Stop trying to hold anyone accountable. Live in the woods.

All sound can become damaging. Tinnitus has no limit. That is why I am dead. Quiet, time, and no medications would have saved me.

Please stop hiding the truth that tinnitus can force suicide by itself. It has no limit; all sounds can become damaging if enough damage is done. These facts here are why sound therapy or TRT is nothing more than masking and potentially fatiguing the system more.

 

Tinnitus & hyperacusis ruined my life for 18 months. I feel as if I do offer a lot of support to people on here. You are right, but I can try to be more compassionate to people.

People can handle the truth, but the nonsense you spread isn't anything close to it.

 

I'm 18 months in this week, and I've only gotten worse. Some people's lives are ruined permanently; this is why they are on this thread. I agree you offer a lot of support to people, and I think that's great on almost every other thread, but here, I think it's acceptable to say what you really feel and not be judged or made to feel guilty. When you're suicidal, you're going to say some messed up stuff.

You are right when you say @Travis Henry goes too far in most threads, but here, I would say it's OK. Just my opinion.

 

Yeah, I understand your point about this thread being a space to be free to say what you want without judgement and I actually agree.

My bad, I think I'll just use the ignore button for @Travis Henry so I don't have to see his nonsensical NPC ramblings, something I should have excercised before commenting in this thread perhaps.

 

You are an upstanding man @Stayinghopeful who always has something interesting to say. Please don't let the likes of @Travis Henry bring you down to his level. Unfortunately, I have had to use the ignore facility on numerous individuals whose only purpose is to ridicule, defame, and abuse me. Over a year ago, @Travis Henry hijacked one of my threads and delivered a torrent of abuse towards me. He later apologized. That is the reason I did not place him on ignore with all the other troublemakers.

He has started his abuse again, and I have refused to reply to his posts. He recently went on to one of my threads to do the same. In addition, he sprouted his usual nonsense towards doctors and recognized treatments used in the medical field to help people with tinnitus management. I have reached the end of my tether with him, so I have now placed him on ignore.

I wish you well,
Michael

 

I am cool with everybody on this thread. I got your back @Travis Henry.

Suicidal feelings and ideation are the most natural and common reactions to this torture inside our heads. What a brutal affliction.

Breathing, exercise, mind over matter—we are forced to make neuroplastic changes. I see no other option, as there are no cures for nerve damage and hair death in the inner ear. Every day, it is a challenge to find calmness in a storm.

If there is a protocol that works for you, e.g., a medicine, machine, diet, or massage, then by all means, embrace it.

Love, diet, exercise, breathing, and hope have helped me.

Wishing my tinnitus friends and comrades here calmness and peace.

 

You see it all around you
Good lovin' gone bad
And usually it's too late when you, realize what you had
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago (who told me)
Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tightly
You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in
It's so damn easy, when your feelings are such
To overprotect her, to love her too much
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago (who told me)
Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tight babe
You're gonna loose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in
Don't let her slip away
Sentimental fool
Don't let your heart get in her way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You see it all around you
Good lovin' gone bad
And usually it's too late when you, realize what you had
Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tightly
You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in
Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tight babe
You're gonna lose it
You're gonna, lose control
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tight, babe
You're gonna loose control
Hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tightly to her
You're gonna loose control
Yeah, yeah, yeah


Man, I miss music so freaking much. I guess I didn't do enough TRT to get my sound tolerance back, eh?

 

"On days when the tragedy which had robbed him of his life was too much for him, he took out this letter, which he had not dated and which explained his desire to die. Then he laid the gun on the table, bent down to it and pressed his forehead against it, rolling his temples over it, calming the fever of his cheeks against the cold steel.

For a long time he stayed like that, letting his fingers caress the trigger, lifting the safety catch, until the world fell silent around him and his whole being, already half-asleep, united with the sensation of the cold, salty metal from which death could emerge.

Realizing then that it would be enough for him to date his letter and pull the trigger, discovering the absurd feasibility of death, he knew his imagination was vivid enough to show him the full horror of what life’s negation meant for him, and he drowned in his somnolence all his craving to live, to go on burning in dignity and silence."

— Albert Camus, A Happy Death


I go on, burning in dignity and silence.

 

@Travis Henry, I’m not here to downplay your suffering; it’s absolutely fine to express your struggles and feel validated here. I know how tinnitus can badly impact one’s life when it gets very severe.

But would you find it in yourself to reconsider your stance on medications as a last resort measure in the future, perhaps?

I feel like if someone is contemplating suicide and is at the stage of devising plans, I think they should be exploring all available medications before doing anything rash, to see if it can help reduce suicide ideations, at least. Who knows, maybe it’ll alleviate some of your ear issues as well. You honestly have little to lose, especially if you’ve reached the stage where you’re making plans to take your own life.

 

Trigger Warning: Deaths Related to Auditory Damage

In no particular order, here are amazing people we lost solely because of tinnitus and how it has no limit. Some of these people also suffered from sound sensitivity, i.e., hyperacusis.

Dr. Timothy Boreing
His tinnitus started not long after being COVID-19 vaccinated.

• Name of man who jumped from 210 bridge released

Kent Taylor
Founder of Texas Roadhouse, and a millionaire (his tinnitus was doing better; it was livable until he got his first COVID-19 vaccine).

• Texas Roadhouse Founder Kent Taylor Dies After Struggle With 'Post-COVID' Symptoms

Dietrich Hectors
Doctor of Engineering.

• Dietrich Hectors' Suicide Note

Jason DiEmilio
Musical artist known for The Azusa Plane.

• Monkey Gone To Heaven: Jason DiEmilio (1970-2006)

Glen Mitchell
Ex-Firefighter.

• Tinnitus from pub gig made life unbearable for retired fireman who committed suicide

James Ivor Jones
A boat skipper.

• Boat skipper leapt off cliff after being told there was no cure for his crippling tinnitus

Gaby Olthuis
A 47-year-old Dutch woman, a brilliant clarinetist, and the mother of a 13-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl. Doctor-assisted suicide.

Struggling for Silence — The Story of...

@D'Angelo
Tinnitus Talk Member. Heart attack, but tinnitus & hyperacusis caused it (his tinnitus, hyperacusis & noxacusis started not long after COVID-19 vaccine).

• Obituary: Justin Andreas

@JoeBattams
Tinnitus Talk Member.

• Suicidal Because Noise from rTMS (140 dB!) Massively Worsened My Tinnitus and Caused Hearing Loss

@Brian P
Tinnitus Talk Member, an amazing, successful person & new to fatherhood. COVID-19 vaccine took his mild tinnitus to severe and an ENT's prescription of a short-course benzodiazepines & taper took it to catastrophic. He took his life after two prior attempts.

• In Loving Memory of Brian Jordan Pariente (Brian P)

@Allan1967
Tinnitus Talk Member.

• In Loving Memory of Allan1967

@Padraigh Griffin
Tinnitus Talk Member, a famous Galiec football player (COVID-19 vaccine caused all his problems that led to his death).

• Wikipedia: Padraigh Griffin

Craig Gill
A musician.

• Inspiral Carpets drummer killed himself after 20 years of 'unbearable' tinnitus

In Memory of Craig Gill (Inspiral Carpets)

Dr. Mark Lawson
He was extremely reluctant to take anti-anxiety medication after researching the side effects online (malpractice; stupid doctors killed this doctor by pushing him to take medications that cause tinnitus & make it worse, just like what happened to me & so many).

• Reading man plagued by anxiety and tinnitus took own life, inquest hears

Michael Haar



I can only imagine the millions of other cases swept under the rug as mental illness or drug abuse when it was solely tinnitus that drove them to their death. TRT and not overprotecting your auditory pushed as a treatment is basically crapping on these people's graves. I just can't frigging believe common sense is destroyed with these conditions. Oh, you got cancer? Do more of what gave you cancer to fix the cancer! Here, take these pills that cause cancer to get worse faster, too! Frigging mild whiners are killing people.

 

Not true. It was a drug overdose (Fentanyl).

Source: County of Los Angeles Medical Examiner

 

14 out of 15 ain't bad. /s