Suicidal

I'm not sure this is unavoidable.

I'm wearing electronic earmuffs (these) outside our apartment and they work quite well. Things sound nearly exactly the same as with naked ears, but, say, a barking dog right next to you is not nearly as loud as it normally would be. They are designed to prevent the sound level from exceeding 82 dBA.

I would love it if you could dial in a lower level than that, but it's better than nothing. Could such a device be helpful for you too, perhaps?

 

Thanks, man. Same to you.

Ah, man. Don't tell me that. Just makes me feel worse. Unless you're saying the opposite. The double negative is throwing me off. I get what you're saying though.

Earmuffs don't work too well for me since I wear glasses. They help as double protection though, paired with earplugs.

A pair of earplugs like this that could be adjusted to 70dBa would be such an amazing invention.

 

I apologize. I intended to say "there may be a solution."

I understand the problem. My Peltor X5As don't really work when I'm wearing my prescription glasses, because their temples produce a gap between skin and cushion which makes the Peltors pretty useless.

However, you might want to try wearing earmuffs with gel cushions and a frame with slim temples. It does make a huge difference because there's hardly any gap then, and the glasses don't sabotage the earmuffs any longer. Case in point, my Sordin works equally well with or without my sunglasses, these glasses don't make any difference.

BTW, yesterday I tried wearing Spark Plugs (34 dB) under the Sordin, and it might be a solution to the 82 dB limit being too high. If anything, the remaining sounds were too soft, so I'll try to find earplugs with less attenuation (say, 10-20 dB). Other than that, I think it's the next best thing (compared to electronic earmuffs with adjustable volume limit).

 

No worries. I wasn't being too serious. Just giving you a hard time.

My glasses aren't too thick, but they aren't wire frame or anything super thin. I can't really pull off the wire frame look.

Yeah, I think wearing earplugs under those kind of nullifies their advantage - being able to hear all those lower decibel sounds naturally. I really hate that about standard hearing protection.

 

I was lurking, sometimes thinking about writing on Tinnitus Talk but never having the courage or strength. I know I haven't made a post to tell my story but right now I just feel like posting here to express my enormous current suffering.

After a worsening in December, all of a sudden tonight I've got a worsening again. I feel like a hole in space, a space-time rift is opening up in my ears because my tinnitus is so excruciating. It is a torture. My left ear hurts so much, whereas it didn't even an hour ago.

A few hours ago, I was once again glimpsing a possible rehabituation. If it stays like this, I won't be able to. I won't be able to go on.

I couldn't imagine that it could have reached this point. It's so horrible, it's indescribable how much torture it is. I don't want to kill myself. I really don't. But this torture makes me want to. I beg you, I beg you, I beg you, make it go down. Please, I beg you.

 

I’m so sorry. Know that you don’t suffer alone. Speak to us if you need to.

 

I don’t know if this is exactly the correct spot for this post, but it might definitely be triggering somewhere else for others to read - so here it goes.

I had to write down how I was feeling. I’m in a very odd place right now. I’m about 21 months in and I can say it’s about/if not the highest and most intrusive it’s been. There was a period I was almost habituated, but since COVID-19/the vaccine and whatever else happened, it’s been a series of ups and downs, instability, setbacks, and spikes. It seems I have a tolerable day or two and multiple days of hell. It’s been stuck in super high-pitched screech for a couple of days now and I’m really confused on what to do at this point with my life. I struggled my ass off through nursing school and have just started my dream career and I’m so unwell I don’t know what’s in store for me going forward. Working in general is hard enough with tinnitus, but with 12-hour shifts it’s becoming excruciating. My tinnitus is blaring, I have head pressure, and headaches. I keep saying my brain must be swollen because wtf is this?!

I never fully grasped mental health until right about the onset of tinnitus where I ended up with panic disorder and agoraphobia. I started experiencing panic attacks, derealization, depersonalization, and just sheer dread. Dread is such an odd thing to experience. I wasn’t depressed, but the feelings I’d get that nothing and no one mattered and everything was pointless and served no purpose was so off putting. I’d feel like I needed to rip myself out of my skin. My mental health and those issues have improved tremendously but...

So many times I wonder where is the highest height that is accessible in my city. I’ve thought about where the ice is thin and one could go under. The exercise bands in my closet. I get so mad at myself. I know I’m strong and I know I’ve managed as best as I can, but if everyday is dread, panic, fear and I feel like I can’t even go to work - how do I live. One main thought that has kept me going is the statistic of children committing after a parent. So if I take my life, my child will suffer and possibly end up doing the same. How could I even consider it.

 

I am not sure what happened, but I get days with little tinnitus and then out of nowhere or with small triggers very high-pitched torture changing in intensity, loudness and area. I can do only little then. I hate it. I wish I could cease to exist if that's the rest of my life.

 

Has it gone down for you dear?

 

It's funny that my stupid ears are trying very hard to make me commit suicide. Every time I habituate to a sound, a new sound appears in my ears. Recently a motor sound with a physical vibration sensation was added to the mix in my left ear, again for no apparent reason. I already had high-pitched ringing, low-pitched humming and reactive crickets at that ear but the physical sensation of the recent sound turns it into a game over.

Thank God I have nothing to lose. I can get out of this misery anytime I want.

 

I love you guys!

 

Yup that is the thing that keeps me going even if I am a suffering shell of my former self. I refuse to do that to my kids.

 

Having no children and no close family makes this choice a bit easier each day.

 

Are you considering this seriously?

 

Every day. I almost grabbed my belt and walked into my bedroom a few days ago.

 

Survival instinct will kick in. I tried this myself. I don't recommend to catch the bus this way.

 

How are you doing, Daniel?

 

My son was what got me through my first 4 years of suffering. I was hanging on for him, but since my setback last November I've been struggling.

I've had suicidal thoughts before. I've also been suffering from chronic nerve pain for the past 12 years – which fortunately became much better after 10 years. Even so, after 3 or 4 years of suffering, I started to struggle pretty badly and went through a dark couple of years.

4 years ago, the tinnitus started, and throughout the first and second years, I was doing pretty badly, too. Then I got divorced about 1.5 years ago and I had a little setback because of stress, but ultimately, I was doing really well around the 3.5 year mark. I suppose I had habituated and was living life again. I was sleeping without any masking or anything, which felt pretty great.

But now bad stuff just keeps piling up:

- My tinnitus got worse in November.
- I lost my job in December, and haven't really been able to find the focus/motivation to start applying for new jobs due to mental distress.
- I have co-parenting issues.
- Because of co-parenting, I'm stuck in my ex-wife's hometown where I don't have any friends/family.

Despite all that, there was one positive thing – I started dating someone awesome about 7 months ago. Before my setback, everything was completely amazing, and even after my setback, things were still going great. I was giving it my all to overcome the situation: yoga, meditation, keeping busy, trying new supplements, etc. Spending time with that person also had a significant impact on my tinnitus. It gave me purpose and I would not feel distressed at all and was able to fully enjoy her presence. However, one day everything was fine and we were planning a little getaway and the next day it was suddenly over. :/

Combine all of the above and I'm feeling majorly depressed, bordering on suicidal. Thinking about the time before I got worse and just started dating, I know life can be good. But I seriously doubt I'll be able to get back to where I was prior to November. Taking care of my son by myself has gotten significantly harder since my setback, but I was pushing forward because I at least had a glimmer of hope.

Now I'm out of a job, living in a town where I'm far removed from my family and friends, suffering from bad tinnitus, and feeling heartbroken and depressed.

I think I posted a similar story somewhere in December or so, but then I ultimately found massive support in this amazing woman. Now, I fear that even my son is not enough to hang on to It also doesn't help that he's too young to understand any of this.

 

Sorry Brother for your struggles. It sounds like life as a whole is crushing you.

I'm not going to offer any words of advice, but an example of the impact that suicide has on the living. It took my mother until she was 60 years old to tell me that her father had killed himself when she was 14 rather than the story that she had always told that he had had a heart attack. His suicide had so impacted her mind that even decades later she couldn't really deal with it. For me, I wish existence didn't hurt, but whether it hurts or not, I am unwilling to have the price of my escape be the permanent transfer of my pain to my kids.

I wish you luck and peace. Hang in there.

 

My tinnitus seems to get worse from sirens/alarms - anyone else reading this have a similar pattern/event?

I have to wear my earmuffs again - I always wear earplugs but it seems it's not muffling the loud noise enough now - I think earplugs only muffle around 20-something decibels?

The latest spike was caused by an ambulance that went past me - I was wearing earplugs though. Is there any chance that my damn tinnitus will return to baseline?

I suppose questions like this is asked a lot - from what I recall - but, I am not sure if it's usually the case that it returns to baseline or not. My tinnitus right now, I describe as a lot of tones that sound like the mexican shakers - or maracas - or just a bunch of different frequency tones all together. But, it's so loud which is worse than my baseline which was awful before.

I also feel like some of you - but, I just don't say it here anymore - no point - I just want to minimize the hell by avoiding spikes but it's a challenge every day. I want to move somewhere that is a lot more quiet - but, I can't. :-(

 

Yes, there's a chance my friend.

 

I remember reading @Aaron91‘s story about how his father’s suicide profoundly impacted his life. His father’s decision essentially destroyed his life, going by his words. What’s even more alarming is that the severe PTSD he experienced from that traumatic event might have contributed to his development of pain hyperacusis, as he mentioned. I’m not sure about his current situation and whether he managed to rebuild his life, but I do hope his pain hyperacusis has gotten better, at least.

I do think the concept of suicide and the transferral of suffering from oneself to loved ones is an interesting topic worth discussing here. On a surface level, lots of people view suicide as an escape from suffering, but is it truly that straightforward? Will the suffering be transferred to loved ones and what are the consequences long term? What’s the right thing to do? These are important things to contemplate.

I’m inclined to agree with your perspective, that suicide isn't as straightforward as some portray it. There are serious repercussions, especially for individuals with children.

 

Having my family and friends at my hospital bed when I woke up made me realize how selfish I was, trying to take away someone that is so precious to them. It was at that moment that I knew I would have to grind out each day until my last to be there for them.

 

The time has come to pay the rent.

 

I just hopped onto my account after some time away. Tomorrow (the 12th of March) marks the 1st anniversary of my being on Tinnitus Talk and one year and two months of acquiring tinnitus and hearing loss,

I remember in my early days of this horrid condition; I would check Tinnitus Talk almost hourly for any news on a cure and treatment. I would get filled up with lots of hope seeing the users so enthusiastic about a new research article or discussing why FX-322 (or some other treatment) would be the one that solves all our problems.

This was all back in early January, and Frequency Therapeutics had an upcoming report on its performance. I remember praying every night, dreaming that the cure had been discovered, only to wake up to reality and keep praying that FX-322 would be a success. I especially wished that it succeeded because I thought it would mean that I only had to suffer for a few months and then head to my local hospital to get a jab once it became available.

February arrived, and all my hope came crashing down. FX-332 failed, and the company shut down all its hearing loss programs. That was the only company that had hearing loss in the pipeline. Everything else was 8-10+ years away from being Phase 1 (I wasn't fully aware of Susan Shore then), and I was heartbroken.

I spent the year venting to friends and family, but nobody checks up on me regarding it... they don't get it, you know With everything else being far away on the timeline and almost all articles being based on mice, I saw that I was probably doomed to live till death with no cure.

Otherwise, Susan Shore's device is the only hope I have. I am currently too broke to contribute to donations, and the masses probably wouldn't care enough to acknowledge us. The world has more pressing matters to worry about than some people with ringing in their ears, and the world's greatest minds don't even have adequate funding to work on this fully.

 

Doing much better. My tinnitus is still 24/7 but my reaction to it is better. I've made some changes, I am still grateful.

I thought you hated me; I am super pleased you asked about my well-being. Life is full of possibilities, even when handicapped and damaged as we are. I am darn vigilant about protection, but exposures happen.

@PeteJ, we have all missed you here. I am glad you checked in. I wish you well and send you my customary bear hugs and love. I know that makes you squeamish, but please accept my wishes for your well-being.

See you around,
DL

 

What a condition. You think to yourself that you've hit rock bottom and that it can't get any worse. And then it gets worse. And then it gets worse. And then it gets worse from regular sounds. And then it gets worse for no reason at all.

And I know that it will worsen forever now. I don't think I can relate to many people here. I don't think I ever experienced a temporary spike; all my worsenings are always permanent.

Once tinnitus and hyperacusis become catastrophic, there really is no hope, huh? I had hope before, but now it's just so unbearable. I don't want to suffer like that anymore; I don't want to run from sounds forever. I don't want to live with this guilt.

 

This is starting to wear me down. The hardest thing is sleeping and waking up to this horror every day.

 

It's so strange to read through the 300 pages of comments on here and see how many of these people are now gone from the site. Hopefully, only gone from the site.

 

My greatest regret is not having a kid/kids.

All my family's hard work/wealth will be for nothing when I take my life.

If god/the universe/the absolute gave me enough time to have an arranged marriage just to have kids and teach them the dangers of the world, then I wouldn't care about living a short life.