Suicidal

How many times have I posted to this thread in the last 10 years?

Another bout of hearing loss and more tinnitus despite protection. It just amazes me that a) I can't go a year without losing hearing and b) normal sounds that are non-damaging seem to cause me hearing loss... Truly it does feel like I was not meant to be here at times. I still struggle to wear my hearing aids cause sometimes the extra noise is just... ugh. I miss being able to hear semi-normal. Everything is so quiet now. Quiet and muffled. I know if I manage to keep myself alive, that I will be a cochlear implant user one day. That scares me and breaks my heart.

Unrelated (or maybe it is?) to the ear struggles, my glaucoma/blind eye is such that I am at the point where my specialists want to remove it altogether. In my heart, I just know this is the correct choice, but it's my eye! I wanted to hold onto it. It's a part of me... But it causes so much pain and struggle.

I also developed dry eye disease in both eyes. No clue what caused it but I went from unbearable pain and laying down with my eyes closed most of the day to manageable most days. I have to take special blood serum drops that cost me or my mother $400+ a month, get my meibomian glands expressed, and use an ointment at night with special oil rubbed across my lids, and special cleansing wipes in the morning...

I also have developed something called Histamine Intolerance which means I can't really enjoy most food anymore. I have to stick to a special, very limited food list, or I get an upset stomach, my Eustachian tubes swell, eczema, itchy skin, more anxiety, insomnia... I've lost 30 pounds in the last 2 months. I am down to one meal a day because I live with my mother and we can't just afford to buy food only for me. I can never again have things like chocolate, cheese, milk (I can have gluten-free oat milk from one specific brand, but it's very expensive), oranges, strawberries, nuts, cakes, cheesecakes, bananas, kiwi, most fish, leftovers of any kind, etc... I really miss food.

And through therapy, which I've been attending for a few years now, I have learned that I have been grossly let down by health professionals since I was born. They didn't inform my mother of the risks of my congenital defect down the line. They knew NOTHING about infant depression/anxiety/trauma in the 90s. My surgery at 10 days old and the recovery period afterward (I had to be held face down for weeks and was not allowed to move from that position for anything and was not allowed to turn my head or tilt it) caused me something known as Pediatric Medical Trauma Stress which turned into C-PTSD, depression, anxiety, and likely triggered my ADHD later in life and set off all the other things wrong with me slowly but surely.

If you're wondering how the hell I am still here, I don't have any other answer than the only thing I seem to be good at and blessed with in this life are friends. And my mother. I have suuuuuch a fraught and complicated relationship with my mother but she's the only parent I've ever had and I know she loves me even if she cannot do emotional displays or empathy very well.

I am 30 years old now. Even seeing the 10-year-old profile picture I have up here makes me sad. I look nothing like that now. I look old and tired and sad. I just wish that I could go back to age 18 and start some things over. Prepare myself for what is to come better. Maybe things could turn out a little bit differently. But I can't and I continue to feel like I was never meant to be here or that I am living on borrowed time. And the painful crux of it all is just how desperately I WANT to LIVE. I want to live so bad. I want to travel, I want to go to musicals, I want to sing and play music, and be in choir again. I want to go to seasonal festivals and Renaissance fairs. I want to swim underwater and go to the cinema. I want to eat a chocolate cake on my birthday surrounded by friends and family singing Happy Birthday enthusiastically. I want to open a music playlist and be able to get so completely lost in the music. I want to be able to have a normal sleep schedule and trust that I will sleep within 15-30 min after shutting my eyes. I want to be able to vacuum instead of hiding in a room with the door shut and my hands over my ears when my mom does it. I want to go to my loved ones' weddings, baby showers, anniversaries, parties, holiday gatherings... I want all of this back!

I so desperately want to live life and live it so well because it's the only one I've got, even if I wasn't supposed to have it. And I know I am not special. There are so many other people who have had life cruelly ripped from them by tinnitus and other health issues. I'm just one of so many. I have so many disabled friends now who struggle (most of them seem to struggle better than me though). It doesn't stop me from wishing that maybe, just maybe, I am special enough to get lucky.

I don't want to die, I just want the suffering to end.

 

I'm currently suicidal. Tinnitus has literally taken everything from me: my hobbies, my appetite, my sleep, and it's ruining my relationships with my loved ones. The pain and panic just rise and rise, and I need to let it out, but everyone is sick of hearing about it now. I have to surround myself with a wall of sound just to exist because I cannot listen to this horrible and extremely loud buzzing and hissing all over my head. Even if it did drown it out (which it doesn't), I'd still be miserable because I do not want noise. I don't want to listen to nice sounds like birdsong, waterfalls, rain, or wind chimes. I want quiet. I just want nothing. My ears are telling me to stop, but I can't; I'm too afraid.

I'm clinging on to someone I barely even have a relationship with anymore.

 

I'm in the same boat. My very positive, love-filled relationship of over 5 years is under so much duress because of this. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope that you find comfort in whatever form you can. You are still deserving of care and support.

 

It's probably better that you don't. I have a 2-year-old and the guilt I feel not being able to be a proper dad, and because I'm close to ending it, is almost unbearable.

 

I would think having kids would just make it harder, especially knowing you are leaving them behind if you have that short life.

Wealth is not for nothing. It can be left to a good cause, like tinnitus research.

 

I work in health care. I was asking someone for a reference to a psychologist to help me cope. Someone overheard me, and may offer to help.

1. What further is there to lose?

2. It's 100% covered under my two insurance plans.

 

How old are you?

 

I feel this so much. When you are alone in this world with this damn beast, it feels impossible. I'll be damned if my money goes to the government or something. I wish I had a support system, life is already difficult when alone.

 

37.

If someone were to get the money, they would probably experiment on mice and get nowhere, as always, or spend it at strip clubs. I don't trust in science one bit anymore. I have been doing lots of reading recently and realized that most of what we have been fed by science is all unproven theories and lies. We humans are still so stupid that we won't be able to figure anything out with the state of our intellect. Luckily, we were able to get this far.

I can't believe if I hadn't trusted in the medical industry, I'd still have a life. Let this sink in.

I shouldn't have gone to the hospital. Why did I make this huge mistake...

 

Hello @derpytia, I am sorry you are suffering so much.

I was doing research for one of my kids' health issues, and I went down a rabbit hole concerning nutrition eczema and Histamine intolerance. To make a long story short, there is a guy on YouTube named Dr. Saldino and a few other folks who suffered from the latter-mentioned conditions and autoimmune issues. They cured themselves with the carnivore diet, and their depression, in one case, lifted.

I eat a lot of vegetables and fruits and not much meat, but I believe this diet can cure eczema and other autoimmune problems. It does not have to be top-shelf meats, either.

I know money is an issue.

Check it out with some research and testimonials, and if you're interested, you can try it for a month. No carbs, gluten, or sugar, and super vitamin-rich food may be the ticket for you.

Lots of love,
Daniel

 

Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that. Sounds awful; it reminded me of my time with ME/CFS

Is Histamine Intolerance the same as MCAS? It sure sounds a lot like it. In that case, I guess you would have already tried mast cell stabilizers and/or blockers, which are more potent than usual H1s & H2s. There's also a bunch of supplements you can try, but they're kind of expensive, and it's all trial and error with them because you'll never know beforehand which ones will work for you, if any...

Natural Treatments for Mast Cell Activation Syndrome

 

I started ordering supplies. I plan to ride it out for a bit, but I need to be ready. I recently reached a very severe level that lasts most of my waking hours. Maybe it will get down, but probably not completely. I had a decent hour or so today. But this shit has been progressively getting worse since the very beginning. Yes, my "reaction" has been improving, but it can't keep up and certainly can't deal with a suicidal level. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I reach beyond catastrophic level and have to scramble to kill myself doing something rash; I better be prepared.

 

Does hyperacusis get better? I’ve had tinnitus for 5 years and that has got better, but I developed hyperacusis 4 months ago and it’s so much worse than my tinnitus. I’m so isolated. I feel like I’m going to lose everything

 

Explain this to me.

A month before I got floxed and developed tinnitus, insomnia, and visual snow, I was on the phone with a friend talking about how much I value my sleep and silence. They were the most valuable assets I had in my life, and my impulsive behavior was putting all of it in jeopardy. So, I decided to break some of my habits.

I also binged all Bruce Lee movies that month and did a search on why he died; he had an adverse reaction to a headache pill. This was on my mind for almost the entirety of that month.

Funny how my life got destroyed in the ways I feared the most in that same month.

I have some more little "premonitions" like that.

How do you explain this... coincidence?

Do you guys believe the consciousness survives bodily death; like some of the professors say on YouTube?

The gateway project CIA conducted was interesting.

 

You'd be surprised how much the human psyche can take when tinnitus becomes overwhelming. I've had tinnitus for 21 years and have been living at a catastrophic level now for going on 9 years. I twice tried to kill myself 8 years ago, but because of how suicide would devastate my family, I now want to continue living, for as long as possible, until renal failure takes me out.

I expect that you will be posting here well past my death @gameover. You're stronger than you realize.

 

I've had tinnitus and hyperacusis for four years and five months. For the first three years, both of them were on suicide level. I basically spent three years at home. I've lost everything. Now my condition is much better. My life is almost normal, but still not without everyday challenges. Tinnitus does not bother me in the morning and during the day, only when I try to sleep (now only my right ear has tinnitus). I still have hyperacusis in both ears, daily headaches, and earache, but it's nothing compared with those first three years that I've had.

I want to cheer you up. I know it's very hard, but you have to take all your willpower in your fists and just go on with your life, fighting with negative thoughts, taking it day by day, and thanking God for everything, for every day. Don't ask yourself why it happened, why me, etc. Ask yourself what happened, what you have to change in your life, in your thinking, in your attitude towards something. What God wants me to do?

Everything will be OK. Because the Lord never gives trials that we cannot endure.

 

Thank you, man; it’s just hard sometimes when I feel so down. I just need to trust in God and know I have better in store for me.

Is your hyperacusis to the point where you don’t have to protect everywhere?

 

Guys, I'm sorry. I'm planning it now. I am not going to be here long.

This insomnia is no joke. No sleep, no need to go to sleep, and body-wide pain when falling asleep...

Not sure what happened.

I was able to sleep for months; then it declined day after day. I have all the symptoms of fatal insomnia.I don't care about tinnitus anymore.

Please educate yourself on the dangers of fluoroquinolones. I don't know what's to blame at this point: Ofloxacin or Mirtazapine. Though Mirtazapine messed me up real bad, it was the fluoroquinolones that induced the insomnia.

I hope there is a god. Or we come back.

I literally ruined my life. And I had it all, I didn't see how valuable it was.

I want to start over again. A life of my own, with hard work. Not inherited wealth...

 

The ability to go to bed and be in silence before falling asleep is one of the greatest things I lost.

I used this time to think about life, my day, and my plans for the next day, and I actually thought about a lot of fantasy stories I had created myself.

This sounds strange, I know, but I did this for years. I never wrote anything down; everything was stored in my brain.

Well, that's gone now. I certainly don't have very bad tinnitus; I can sleep without problems. But with those broken ear sounds going off in the background, I can't really do much thinking at any time.

 

I can relate to wanting to end your suffering. It can feel truly hopeless when you're looking over the abyss and believe that there is nothing to live for, especially when the reason you are here is from an uneducated physician who didn't understand the danger of prescribing you a fluoroquinolone, a broad-spectrum antibiotic.

Patients should be informed of the risks associated with fluoroquinolones; these medicines have a risk of long-lasting serious, disabling, and potentially irreversible adverse reactions affecting different, sometimes multiple, body systems (musculoskeletal, nervous, psychiatric, and senses).

I can only offer my sympathies to where you are now standing and hope that through the darkness you see before you, you can see a reason to stay with us just a bit longer.

I tried twice to end my life, but I realized that my death would only transfer my grief, suffering, and hopelessness to my family. I'm now grinding out each day until my last for them.

 

Your life isn't ruined. I'd even venture to guess that you would benefit from 7.5 mg of Mirtazapine and a good night's sleep. I've taken it too. Did it give me tinnitus? Maybe, who the fuck knows, everything is multi-factorial. When I take a low dose, I drift easily to sleep and wake up, giving less fucks than if I hadn't taken it.

But on those worst of days, without quality sleep, everything goes to shit, dude. Take Benadryl, at least. Get some rest. Wake up with just a little bit more energy than you had today. When you're up for it, go for a short walk and move those aching muscles. Try something new out to eat or your hand at cooking. Use your inherited wealth to start an online business... or sway public opinion on hearing health, even if it's virtual, and send emails to dumbass ENTs and universities or biotech companies. You can start over. Today, tomorrow, or next week; when you feel up to it. There is no timeline and no pressure; you decide. I've seen your posts, you're up to date on the research and have personally informed me on many different drug compounds and experiments. You have served a great purpose to many here.

But get some rest to start, and I promise you the aches will lessen, and you'll get a bit of strength back sooner than you think.

Stay up, my friend <3

 

I want to do it but I'm too scared. Cursed to live like this sadly.

 

This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong, who would have guessed it?
I will not leave alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late, it's never too late
Even if I say, "It'll be all right"
Still I hear you say, you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late
No one will ever see this side reflected
And if there's something wrong, who would have guessed it?
And I have left alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late, it's never too late
Even if I say, "It'll be all right"
Still I hear you say, you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late
The world we knew won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we had won't be ours again
This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong
Even if I say, "It'll be all right"
Still I hear you say, you want to end your life

 

Yes, these days I walk the streets without any protection. My earplugs are always in my pocket just in case. Plus you can always plug your ears with your fingers.

 

Your avatar's facial expression is exactly how my face is if I don't wear hearing protection while walking the street

 

Yep, life is hard.

 

And you are still suicidal?

Tinnitus has no limit. That is ultimately what pushes many to die. Do everything to keep your tinnitus at a lower level, and you can survive.

All sounds are attacking me; I've lost all coping tools. I am so fucking dumb for listening to the TRT assholes. Straight murderers! Mild tinnitus and hyperacusis sufferers preaching for people to stay exposed to sound to get better have blood on their hands, as well as those who push others to take benzos and other medications.

 

Keep gaslighting and preaching bullshit.

 

No, but I was for at least first three years. You don't have to tell me how hard it is. I've been there.

 

Nothing I say is bullshit. If you got sound tolerance just say so. Tell me what mess you are in. Can you speak without pain in your ears? Are you homebound? Can you listen to music? I am not trying to downplay anyone's suffering.

At any level, it is hell. But it takes a humble person to realize other people suffer worse, and this shit causes death in many because it has no limit to how bad it can torture you and have you hiding from all sounds. I am trying to raise the proper protocol for auditory damage. To save lives, ENTs need to ask way more questions about the severity and recommend quiet and no medications if any hyperacusis or unstable/oud loud tinnitus is present. They need to gauge the damage & fearmonger people with how bad it truly can be so they don't worsen themselves.

Just because it doesn't happen to all doesn't mean we shouldn't advocate for the deaths it does cause and the ones it leaves hiding from sound.

I'm glad you are doing better. I'm glad you caught it at a level you could bounce back from. It seems there is a certain point you pass damage-wise that you are screwed for life if you pass it. I pray you don't cause further injury. I don't want you back in this hell.

Someone has to carry the torch & speak of the depths of this shit. My shit has me at the very end.

If God didn't give us more than we can handle, why are there so many dead solely because of tinnitus?