Suicidal

I need to vent—this is my first time here in over a year. After my catastrophic worsening in fall 2022, I never got back to normal, but at least I was enjoying life a bit while living an adjusted lifestyle.

...until yesterday when I held in a sneeze, which spiked my tinnitus in my right ear, and all the symptoms of my catastrophic worsening are back (ear fullness, pain, spike, nausea). Despite having many spikes since then, I haven't felt these specific symptoms again, and it's terrifying to think this may be the beginning of another cycle. I barely survived the 2022 one, I really don't know how I could get through this if it has a similar trajectory. I'm going to fight to stay strong, but I needed to vent since it's really overwhelming right now, and I wouldn't say I like the thought of another major setback after already fighting so hard to get some normalcy back over the past years.

I love all of you here and pray we all have the strength to keep fighting and not let this win; these conditions can be so much more brutal than anyone could imagine from the outside.
 
Three years ago, I bought a pair of Phonak P50 Audeo hearing aids because I have moderate to severe hearing loss in both ears. They have significantly reduced the ringing in my ears. It's important to use both hearing aids together to see if they work for you—using just one won't make a difference. You'll know within the first 10 minutes of using them whether they're effective for you.
 
I need to vent—this is my first time here in over a year. After my catastrophic worsening in fall 2022, I never got back to normal, but at least I was enjoying life a bit while living an adjusted lifestyle.

...until yesterday when I held in a sneeze, which spiked my tinnitus in my right ear, and all the symptoms of my catastrophic worsening are back (ear fullness, pain, spike, nausea). Despite having many spikes since then, I haven't felt these specific symptoms again, and it's terrifying to think this may be the beginning of another cycle. I barely survived the 2022 one, I really don't know how I could get through this if it has a similar trajectory. I'm going to fight to stay strong, but I needed to vent since it's really overwhelming right now, and I wouldn't say I like the thought of another major setback after already fighting so hard to get some normalcy back over the past years.

I love all of you here and pray we all have the strength to keep fighting and not let this win; these conditions can be so much more brutal than anyone could imagine from the outside.
I love you too! I hope your symptoms are improving. Hugs.
 
This is entirely unrelated to tinnitus, but this is my only place to vent my fear and frustration with the world.

For those who don't know, I've been a graphic and UI designer and front-end web developer professionally since 2006. I lost my job in 2021 because I couldn't keep up with my work due to my tinnitus distress. After about 1 - 1.5 years, I felt I was ready to go back to work and started actively applying. I've gotten two interviews (TWO) since then.

The whole industry I'm in keeps getting gutted. I'm constantly competing without thousands of other candidates in my field who also keep getting laid off.

The tools and technology keep evolving at such a rapid pace it feels almost impossible to keep up.

I gave up on Adobe products a few years ago because the subscription fee was too expensive. I've been using the Affinity Suite along with Figma (which, at $16/mo while unemployed, is still difficult). Recently, while redesigning my portfolio and writing new case studies for some projects in an attempt to sell myself better, I needed to download Photoshop to extract some vector smart object logos from some old designs.

Upon installing Creative Cloud, I was introduced to a new app called Adobe Express. After a short "What the fuck is this shit?" moment, I started looking up what this app is for. Of course, it's AI... So, the most exciting part of my field is a tool that basically uses AI to create designs and design elements. This is overwhelming, terrifying, and infuriating.

Am I supposed to learn this new tool now? I don't have any income to pay for an Adobe Creative Cloud subscription. I also do not want to support Adobe after they announced they will scrape all of our Creative Cloud data to feed their AI algorithm, essentially stealing our art.

I went to Reddit expecting outrage over this app, but other designers, along with Canva, seem to love it for some unknown reason. I keep seeing things like, "AI will allow us to create faster and open up new roles in the industry." I don't want to speed up anything. That's a capitalist's dream, not a designer's. I don't want a new role. I like my current role. I like my current design process.

I want to kill myself because of AI.
 
I don't want to speed up anything. That's a capitalist's dream, not a designer's. I don't want a new role. I like my current role. I like my current design process.
Welcome to more enshittification and soulless garbage we drown in.

Soon enough we will be clamoring for Matrix so we can get illusion of a better world. Zuck may be bit ahead of his time with his virtual reality garbage. Brain implants on the way, though.
 
Well, another interesting real-life tale today. A housekeeper where I work is a musician, and so are his brothers. One of them developed chronic tinnitus. He saw a "medical professional" who gave him the whole Liam Stops Tinnitus dietary crap BS. He only wound up with other health issues from lack of proper nutrition. I asked how he was doing. It turns out he tried to off himself and wound up in psychiatry.
 
This is entirely unrelated to tinnitus, but this is my only place to vent my fear and frustration with the world.

For those who don't know, I've been a graphic and UI designer and front-end web developer professionally since 2006. I lost my job in 2021 because I couldn't keep up with my work due to my tinnitus distress. After about 1 - 1.5 years, I felt I was ready to go back to work and started actively applying. I've gotten two interviews (TWO) since then.

The whole industry I'm in keeps getting gutted. I'm constantly competing without thousands of other candidates in my field who also keep getting laid off.

The tools and technology keep evolving at such a rapid pace it feels almost impossible to keep up.

I gave up on Adobe products a few years ago because the subscription fee was too expensive. I've been using the Affinity Suite along with Figma (which, at $16/mo while unemployed, is still difficult). Recently, while redesigning my portfolio and writing new case studies for some projects in an attempt to sell myself better, I needed to download Photoshop to extract some vector smart object logos from some old designs.

Upon installing Creative Cloud, I was introduced to a new app called Adobe Express. After a short "What the fuck is this shit?" moment, I started looking up what this app is for. Of course, it's AI... So, the most exciting part of my field is a tool that basically uses AI to create designs and design elements. This is overwhelming, terrifying, and infuriating.

Am I supposed to learn this new tool now? I don't have any income to pay for an Adobe Creative Cloud subscription. I also do not want to support Adobe after they announced they will scrape all of our Creative Cloud data to feed their AI algorithm, essentially stealing our art.

I went to Reddit expecting outrage over this app, but other designers, along with Canva, seem to love it for some unknown reason. I keep seeing things like, "AI will allow us to create faster and open up new roles in the industry." I don't want to speed up anything. That's a capitalist's dream, not a designer's. I don't want a new role. I like my current role. I like my current design process.

I want to kill myself because of AI.
Have you considered working for a government agency as an employee or a contractor?
 
I'm vegan. I have horrendous tinnitus. Animals in the farm industry are the most miserable creatures on this earth. I can end my torture. They can't.
It is a simplistic take. Of course, a big part of the industry mistreats animals. But there are humane ways to raise animals, as there have been for millennia, and this is the only way humanity evolved. Whether it is a good thing or not could be debated. If your predecessors were vegans, you would not be here. Many farm animals only get a chance at life at all, thanks to humans. And they get treated well before they are humanly killed.
 
It is a simplistic take. Of course, a big part of the industry mistreats animals. But there are humane ways to raise animals, as there have been for millennia, and this is the only way humanity evolved. Whether it is a good thing or not could be debated. If your predecessors were vegans, you would not be here. Many farm animals only get a chance at life at all, thanks to humans. And they get treated well before they are humanly killed.
The only chicken I choke... is my own.


I do like a good steak. Man, I wish I had started my farm in 2015. I'd love to grow my own food and raise animals I could live off of. Eat some eggs. Send a cow to the butcher every now and then. Fuck this city bullshit that got so many of us here.
 
It is a simplistic take. Of course, a big part of the industry mistreats animals. But there are humane ways to raise animals, as there have been for millennia, and this is the only way humanity evolved. Whether it is a good thing or not could be debated. If your predecessors were vegans, you would not be here. Many farm animals only get a chance at life at all, thanks to humans. And they get treated well before they are humanly killed.
That's nonsense—the whole paragraph. I'm from a farming family. That's my family. I'm an OSU grad and work for the city as an environmental engineer.

There are too many people who type bullshit and then like to argue it.

Like evolution, knowledge is ever-changing. Part of that? Our bodies don't require animal products in any form.

Factory farms are the most heinous inventions to torture and brutally kill the animals you then consume. Being raised around it and seeing it first hand, I'll take my awful tinnitus, knowing how much more greatly they suffer.
 
I'm heavily tattooed (hands/neck). I doubt I'd get any government jobs.
I don't think they can discriminate. I worked for a county agency for 30 years, and you would not believe the people they hired. Everything from ex-felons to morbidly obese. Give it a try. Nothing to lose, everything to gain.
 
I don't think they can discriminate. I worked for a county agency for 30 years, and you would not believe the people they hired. Everything from ex-felons to morbidly obese. Give it a try. Nothing to lose, everything to gain.
Exactly. If anything, you'll be seen as an edgy, progressive diversity hire because of your ink.
This is entirely unrelated to tinnitus, but this is my only place to vent my fear and frustration with the world.

For those who don't know, I've been a graphic and UI designer and front-end web developer professionally since 2006. I lost my job in 2021 because I couldn't keep up with my work due to my tinnitus distress. After about 1 - 1.5 years, I felt I was ready to go back to work and started actively applying. I've gotten two interviews (TWO) since then.

The whole industry I'm in keeps getting gutted. I'm constantly competing without thousands of other candidates in my field who also keep getting laid off.

The tools and technology keep evolving at such a rapid pace it feels almost impossible to keep up.

I gave up on Adobe products a few years ago because the subscription fee was too expensive. I've been using the Affinity Suite along with Figma (which, at $16/mo while unemployed, is still difficult). Recently, while redesigning my portfolio and writing new case studies for some projects in an attempt to sell myself better, I needed to download Photoshop to extract some vector smart object logos from some old designs.

Upon installing Creative Cloud, I was introduced to a new app called Adobe Express. After a short "What the fuck is this shit?" moment, I started looking up what this app is for. Of course, it's AI... So, the most exciting part of my field is a tool that basically uses AI to create designs and design elements. This is overwhelming, terrifying, and infuriating.

Am I supposed to learn this new tool now? I don't have any income to pay for an Adobe Creative Cloud subscription. I also do not want to support Adobe after they announced they will scrape all of our Creative Cloud data to feed their AI algorithm, essentially stealing our art.

I went to Reddit expecting outrage over this app, but other designers, along with Canva, seem to love it for some unknown reason. I keep seeing things like, "AI will allow us to create faster and open up new roles in the industry." I don't want to speed up anything. That's a capitalist's dream, not a designer's. I don't want a new role. I like my current role. I like my current design process.

I want to kill myself because of AI.
Could you develop a nice hand-drawn style and do the graphic design that way? Here's an example:

https://joelpringle.com.au
 
I also have developed something called Histamine Intolerance which means I can't really enjoy most food anymore. I have to stick to a special, very limited food list, or I get an upset stomach, my Eustachian tubes swell, eczema, itchy skin, more anxiety, insomnia... I've lost 30 pounds in the last 2 months. I am down to one meal a day because I live with my mother and we can't just afford to buy food only for me. I can never again have things like chocolate, cheese, milk (I can have gluten-free oat milk from one specific brand, but it's very expensive), oranges, strawberries, nuts, cakes, cheesecakes, bananas, kiwi, most fish, leftovers of any kind, etc... I really miss food.
I suffered from histamine intolerance for a while. I use an app on my phone called Intolerance to find out which foods have histamine. I've taken antihistamines and DAO. If you do take DAO, I suggest the one made from beans instead of porcupine kidney (it stinks). I use this one.

What really did wonders, though, for my histamine issues was this.
 
It's statistically impossible to be born, yet we are here. Ever since this happened to me, I've been getting very philosophical. I was literally born in Paradise, but I never realized it.



This video is very thought-provoking to me.

I'm the son of a narcissistic millionaire who constantly lied to me, beat me up, and cheated on my mom. I believe I got my Asperger's and BPD from her side. She just never shuts up. I lived a decent life until I was 13 years old, then I was told we had no money whenever I asked for anything. Over time, I made plans to rob stores and people with friends who had no money either. I committed only minor thefts, nothing major. I never knew we were millionaires or my father made a lot of money. I was also taught by my mother to hate whatever it is that my father does for a living and never work with him or never work at all because she didn't want her son to work because we were richer than the rest of society. I was born in a poor country, and I always wanted to get away and find a decent job somewhere abroad. Over time, the treatment I received at home and me being the way I was drove me crazy, I guess. On top of that, I had a video game addiction that I wasn't able to stop. I was playing games instead of studying. I made lots of mistakes. I rejected every girl who was interested in me and chased after the ones who weren't. After a while, these pent-up sexual desires drove me to be hypersexual, which led me to contract prostatitis and the subsequent use of fluoroquinolone antibiotics, Mirtazapine, and some other stuff right after that. My brain is so messed up I don't think even the worst sufferer on Tinnitus Talk can understand what I'm dealing with daily. I don't sleep or get tired, and the result is psychosis on the following day. I am in constant pain all the time with visual snow.

I have made many mistakes and tried so many times to escape my house. But after a while, I reached maturity and accepted my life as what it was. I was ready to be under complete service to my family. And then something like this happens. There is no future for me anymore. They never tell you that oral sex can cause problems, devastating problems. They always ask you to trust the doctors, and these meds they give you are pretty much harmless, or the harms don't last long term. I have made horrible life choices; however, I was ready to turn my life around, and I found God on my own terms as well before all this. I got punished the moment I found God, so I don't see how this is possible. I have ruined my future because of my sexual desires. I thought the worst that could happen was HIV, but I was wrong.

I never realized how lucky we were; all of us were lucky. People died in horrible ways in the past. They died working at farms because of sunstroke. They stepped on something, and they died. Something bit them, and they died. They died of diseases in wars. You name it. They had to work on the bone to feed themselves. No proper homes, no heating, nothing. I've always considered myself to have the worst life possible due to my Asperger's, yet I realized I was being ungrateful.

Early on I said it's impossible for us to be here. Think about it. Remove just one ancestor from your lineage, and you will stop existing. If only one other sperm cell fertilized your mother's egg, maybe your consciousness would not emerge, and there would be someone else in your place. Many things had to come into the perfect position for everyone to exist. So, statistically, every individual is an anomaly, yet we are here.

Then again, you also have to factor in all the laws of the universe that allowed us humans to exist in the first place. Change only one of them slightly, and all life would perish. Isn't this ridiculous to think about?

Energy cannot be created, only transformed, so in order for us to exist, we have always had to exist from the beginning of everything.

My body is damaged from head to toe, and I won't tell you why I want to keep that a secret for now. When walking on the street in Thailand one day, I told myself I needed to care for my eyes, brain, and ears because they were the only remaining things left. And I took great care of them. I promised a friend to let go of my promiscuous ways because every time I did something risky, I told him that I would jeopardize my sleep and my silence. As long as I had these two, my sleep and my silence, I could do anything in life, no matter how hard it was. I value the things God decided to test me with the most. How is that a coincidence now? A month before this happened to me, I found out that Bruce Lee died because of a pill he took for his headaches. I could not wrap my head around the fact that he was killed by a pharmaceutical drug, and shortly after, a similar thing happened to me. I was constantly cursing God and praying for him to take my life because I made so many mistakes. Is this a way for him to grant my wish? I wonder...

I don't believe that anything is a coincidence anymore. All I'm asking for is either to reincarnate me as an orphan and allow me to do hard labor jobs so that I will work and make my own money without anybody holding me down or bring me back to this life again without autism or any of the other mental problems I suffered from so that I could excel at my own life.

But most likely, nothing else awaits us but eternal Oblivion. I was such a waste of life. And I received my punishment for it.

Even after all that, I love my family because most of my problems come down to me being sick in the head. I should have learned to ignore their faults—everyone has faults—and shouldn't have searched for love in someone else's arms.

Guys, I can't hold on anymore. I can't wait ten years for potential treatments. I don't know what to do.
 
I'm hoping it gets better I am in my early twenties dealing with other health issues and it stinks. I'm trying to be optimistic but having suicidal thoughts for me is common. I hope it gets better
 
I had a breakdown in the car ride home from my office yesterday. My girlfriend was driving and I told her outright that I had been researching assisted suicide and that I didn't think I would be around much longer. She didn't say anything.
 
I saw my psychiatrist this morning. It was my second appointment with her, and she's insufferable. Last month, she insisted I start taking Sertraline, which—unsurprisingly—made my tinnitus worse. Not the tinnitus from my hearing loss, but the very mild, right-sided "crickets" I occasionally hear. Thankfully, I stopped taking it immediately, and the crickets have mostly gone away. The medication did nothing for my mood either, as Sertraline isn't going to magically make the 60-70 dB droning in my ear disappear.

Anyway, she seems to think my mental health issues caused my hearing loss. I told her I didn't want to see her again.

On another note, we recently got rid of our conservative government, and the new leadership is promising a free vote on assisted dying. It can't come soon enough.
 
Yes, voluntary assisted death should be a human right. It should be easily available. One should be able to order a pill and take it as they please and where they please—the ultimate right to not suffer endlessly.
 
Yes, voluntary assisted death should be a human right. It should be easily available. One should be able to order a pill and take it as they please and where they please—the ultimate right to not suffer endlessly.
I have learned from an advocate for assisted death that MDMA should also be a human right. It apparently puts a person in a state of loving bliss. This is how I would like to leave my family. It would help our children so much.
 
I hope I can get euthanized in my country. My tinnitus isn't the worst, but I don't want to live with it for the rest of my life because I'm young. I also have other health issues.
 
I went to Reddit expecting outrage over this app, but other designers, along with Canva, seem to love it for some unknown reason. I keep seeing things like, "AI will allow us to create faster and open up new roles in the industry." I don't want to speed up anything. That's a capitalist's dream, not a designer's. I don't want a new role. I like my current role. I like my current design process.
For the longest time, I kind of accepted that those people who don't really do any visual art can't appreciate art (to the same extent) as us who make it. But to hear that other designers love AI is crazy :banghead: It's all about pushing out content and consuming it instead of actually enjoying it :unsure:
 
For the first two weeks, except for the time when the ringing was at its worst, I didn't plan to kill myself, but as such an unfortunate person, I no longer want to be in this world. The only thing that pushes me to think this way is the ear problems I'm experiencing. If I could return to my old self tomorrow, I would continue my life where I left off, but this is physically impossible because my hearing is damaged, and I hear poorly.

More than wanting to kill me or die, I want to cease to exist, never to have been born or lived.
 
I'm back from the dentist, and I'm told I have a split implant, and they're going to have to remove it from where it's fused to the bone. I already got elevated tinnitus from more implant treatment recently and from my wife yelling at me the other day. I feel like my life is painful and pointless right now. I may as well go to a death metal concert and have a little fun before I go out with a bang.

EDIT:

OK, I have a better plan. I will ask for a new chrome denture so I can continue enjoying life and leave the broken implant as long as it's not causing a problem.

They're not getting another six grand out of me!
 

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