Suicidal

[Harley]

They just don't get it! Very few people do! My younger brother says I am not trying to help myself enough, i.e. through counseling etc. I have tried to explain over and over again what it feels like to be trapped by sound, but he just can't get it.

Maybe get him to read this thread.
Or better yet, challenge him to an experiment.

Get him to wear headphones with looped EEEEEEEEEE sound for 48 hours without taking them off, not even for a second.
After 2 days of not sleeping he might understand.

Especially once you tell him that after he takes off the headphones, he can resume normal life again.
You don't have this luxury.

Honestly this constant explaining of what Tinnitus does to people is frustrating and beyond draining.

Makes me kind of jelous of all those people with missing limbs in wheelchairs, as they don't have to explain their condition to anyone and nobody dares questioning their mental health or attitude.

There is nothing worse than those close to you not believing your suffering and questioning your mind set instead.
This is yet another reason, why Tinnitus is probably the most horrible condition in existence.

 

[all to gain]

Maybe get him to read this thread.
Or better yet, challenge him to an experiment.

Get him to wear headphones with looped EEEEEEEEEE sound for 48 hours without taking them off, not even for a second.
After 2 days of not sleeping he might understand.

Especially once you tell him that after he takes off the headphones, he can resume normal life again.
You don't have this luxury.

Honestly this constant explaining of what Tinnitus does to people is frustrating and beyond draining.

Makes me kind of jelous of all those people with missing limbs in wheelchairs, as they don't have to explain their condition to anyone and nobody dares questioning their mental health or attitude.

There is nothing worse than those close to you not believing your suffering and questioning your mind set instead.
This is yet another reason, why Tinnitus is probably the most horrible condition in existence.

I've actually given him that challenge. But do you know what, he may be able to tough it out and it doesn't really equate to what it's like having tinnitus. it's the fact that we cannot escape this sound and that there is no cure for it that make it what it is. He can escape the headphones whenever he wants. But I know what you mean.

Having OCD etc means that he (and other family members) put it all down to it, but it's the tinnitus that has me in this state.

People just have no idea!

 

[Allan1967]

Has anyone ever purchased or considered The Peaceful Pill Handbook?

 

[acute]

I'm in a dark forest right now. Its dark outside. My damn tinnitus sounds like never before. I'm looking at trees, planning which one I could choose. How or when could I do it. If I would be able to make it work... It can not be that hard. It can't be so hard to escape from this sound, this nightmare-life.

I CHOOSE WHEN I'M DONE. THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT OPTION AWAY FROM US. IS OUR LIVES. OUR CHOICES. OUR DECISION WHEN AND HOW WE END IT.

 

[Lane]

I tried a 6-month taper last time and it ended in tragedy. I'm truly scared to try again...

@all to gain -- I certainly don't want to come across as trying to push you in any way. However... could you look at your past attempt at tapering as "Round 1"? It seems most things in life never play out as we had expected or hoped for the first time around. Instead of giving up, perhaps look at Round 1 as a learning experience, and prepare for "Round 2" with the value of hindsight.

Could you do your taper over a 1 year, or perhaps 2 year or more time interval? Could you implement some supportive measures for your brain while you're going through the Round 2 taper, such as mHBOT, or specific supplements that support brain function? Or doing hot baths, or spending time in nature, self-acupuncture, or doing various relaxation techniaques like yoga, or trying out some kind of spiritual mantra?

Perhaps look at environmental factors, such as whether there's metal in your mouth (people with chronic depression and other brain issues have gotten tremendous relief after removing amalgam fillings). -- Lots of things could be done differently the 2nd time around to avoid the tragedy of your Round 1 experiences. -- I realize none of this would be easy, but I think the odds are high that you could succeed. -- Take good care...

 

[fishbone]

I feel for you, I really do, and that goes to everybody struggling on this site, tinnitus is cruel and hard to live with but there are many people in this world that are living with horrendous conditions and they somehow survive. I do not know how, but they do and I try and draw strength from that.

I worked in health care, I saw so many sad things, children with cancer riddled with pain, quadriplegics from accidents, there are so many people suffering out there in this world, yet so many of them just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even those that cannot walk take it one day at a time... I just hope all of us on this site can find the strength to be like them.

I have been suicidal all to gain, so I know how easy it is to fall into that dark place, but I can tell you even though you are an older dad and your children are young, there is never a good time to leave them... I came within seconds of taking my own life early in withdrawal, the only thing that stopped me was a text message came through on my phone, it was from my youngest son who is 30...

He wrote, "Don't you ever give up, you need to keep fighting mum to get yourself well, because we need and love you" I cried and cried, Geez I am crying now, but that is why I fight to stay in the land of the living, Tinnitus has taken so much from me, but I will not let it take me from my family...

Your posts are always an inspiration to many, keep that head high and keep marching forward

 

[PeteJ]

Tinnitus is insane and my ear hurts. I argued with my brother. Part of me doesn't care about that stuff because I am sure I will be committing suicide eventually.

The ear pain, tinnitus spikes and struggles makes me want to do it sooner though. I found a tree that's a good candidate but I need a rope.

My foot really hurts too and I don't know why. I am tired of all the extra problems and no one cares. I am suffering every day and at some point, I am just going to do it.

 

[Star64]

Your posts are always an inspiration to many, keep that head high and keep marching forward

Thanks fishbone, so many people on here like yourself have helped me cope, picked me up when I was down, gave me reassurance, advice etc, @Lane has provided me with heaps of strategies, yet like you he has also had many issues to overcome and helps others...

Another hall of fame member also sent me a pm with the same advice to keep marching on, so that's the plan I'm going with.

So many kind compassionate people on this site, we all have one thing in common a cruel condition, but I thank everybody that has helped me... you know who you are....

I don't know if I help others much, but I will always try. Sometimes all I can do is give virtual hugs and I know that does not help much, so sorry @PeteJ .

My heart goes out to @Allan1967, @Chinmoku, @all to gain and everybody else suffering...

 

[Star64]

I'm in a dark forest right now. Its dark outside. My damn tinnitus sounds like never before. I'm looking at trees, planning which one I could choose. How or when could I do it. If I would be able to make it work... It can not be that hard. It can't be so hard to escape from this sound, this nightmare-life.

I CHOOSE WHEN I'M DONE. THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT OPTION AWAY FROM US. IS OUR LIVES. OUR CHOICES. OUR DECISION WHEN AND HOW WE END IT.

Yes you are right, nobody has the right to make that decision for you, many people I know who have been suicidal have told me by just having control over this option, to decide life or death, has in fact brought them some sort of relief... I am very sorry to hear that you are in such a dark place.

 

[Star64]

It's the damn combination of bad tinnitus and OCPD that I have. or maybe I'm just weaker than you all. I'm in a bad place though.

Today almost 5 months after onset, and 3+ months after it became unbearable, I woke up knowing that the rest of my life is going to be like this and probably worse. I've known this for months, but for some reason it really sunk in today.

It has nothing to do with weakness, tinnitus can bring the strongest people to their knees. I know you have OCPD, and once doctors know you have had any sort of anxiety or depression or OCPD they will always put everything down to these conditions and not the actual tinnitus itself.

This happens all the time in healthcare, I have known it for 30 years, even when I sought help for being placed into cold turkey, I was told at the ER it was just anxiety. I went home and had a seizure!!! If they see you distressed and can not find a reason it is anxiety.

Even if they find out you had a panic attack at 15 in a dental chair and are 50 now they will still use that to say you have suffered previously from an anxiety disorder. I always tell people do not mention to doctors you have suffered from any sort of anxiety disorder...

They are also quick to prescribe pills, antidepressant and benzo prescriptions are on the rise....These pills have their place in healthcare, but they are not safe for everyone and do come with a whole range of side effects that drs fail to tell you.... Starting them is usually the easy part, but coming off them is a different story.

However, you need to taper off antidepressants do not just stop them, I have read you tried to taper and fell apart, so you have to decide if you are better on them or off them, only you know what works best for you....More people are arriving at TT with medication induced tinnitus from antidepressants, but then there is people who take them for life with no problems. After my experience I will always try and cope without medications. Exercise has improved my mood, but I know not everybody can do this.

 

[Star64]

This is what my psychiatrist does not understand. My ENT now has sided with the psychiatrist, I believe she has done that because she doesn't know what else to do. In fact I suggested several medications we could try, there are people for whom they worked, like pramipexole, memantine, acamprosate... they don't work for everyone and there is limited evidence but there have been positive responses, it's so bad now that we have nothing left to lose, really, but they won't do anything and I am just suffering. The tinnitus has got from mild to crazy in 13 months and I can't get off this pregabalin medication I am taking if the tinnitus does not improve. What a mess.


That's an admirable attitude, I wish I had that strength, I feel I am really losing it, I am barely hanging on for my kids but I don't know how long I can do this

I actually tried Acamprosate, way before benzos and it did nothing for my tinnitus, but I felt it was worth a try as some people have had good results... I also tried Gabapentin, thank god only short term, but it did nothing for me either.

Honestly, Chinmoku, I have seen two neurologists due to problems I am having, wont go into detail but they were useless. One told me he has tinnitus and it is nothing, just a noise, so don't listen to it!!! He said most people over the age of 50 have some mild tinnitus... The other one said I can prescribe you Clonazepam, WTF, that is what has made my tinnitus worse, did he not read my referral. I try and stay right away from doctors now.

 

[all to gain]

@all to gain -- I certainly don't want to come across as trying to push you in any way. However... could you look at your past attempt at tapering as "Round 1"? It seems most things in life never play out as we had expected or hoped for the first time around. Instead of giving up, perhaps look at Round 1 as a learning experience, and prepare for "Round 2" with the value of hindsight.

Could you do your taper over a 1 year, or perhaps 2 year or more time interval? Could you implement some supportive measures for your brain while you're going through the Round 2 taper, such as mHBOT, or specific supplements that support brain function? Or doing hot baths, or spending time in nature, self-acupuncture, or doing various relaxation techniaques like yoga, or trying out some kind of spiritual mantra?

Perhaps look at environmental factors, such as whether there's metal in your mouth (people with chronic depression and other brain issues have gotten tremendous relief after removing amalgam fillings). -- Lots of things could be done differently the 2nd time around to avoid the tragedy of your Round 1 experiences. -- I realize none of this would be easy, but I think the odds are high that you could succeed. -- Take good care...

Lane, really this was round 5. I had come off of Prozac four times before but had always gone back on due to becoming depressed again. Even so, I have never had an experience like the fifth time I tired to come off. I think it might have been the first time when the Prozac had actually totally exited my system after stopping the tablets, i.e. it can take 3 months. But I'm not sure about this.

Why did I come off again if I had attempted it four times previously? Well, I felt good, but in reality it was the Prozac holding me up. All other attempts to come off had disappeared into history and had been forgotten about. Even so, just to make sure, I got the doctor's go ahead to come off, i.e. I wanted to know if he thought it was OK. I now wonder why he thought it was OK given my previous attempts. All history now.

Really don't know what to do now...

 

[all to gain]

Is it worth taking one's life due to tinnitus?

What if life has become so unbearable and so unrecognisable to what it was before?

Is it wrong to leave one's family behind if one's own suffering has gotten so bad?

 

[all to gain]

. One told me he has tinnitus and it is nothing, just a noise, so don't listen to it!!!

I'm always dubious when a doctor tells me they have tinnitus. Sometimes I think they just say it as they know there is no cure, i.e. they try to make you feel better by informing you that they are in the same position, but really they aren't.

My GP told me he has had tinnitus for 40 years, but on the two occasions we talked about tinnitus he had different sounds; the first a low buzz, the second a high pitched whine like me. Strange to say the least.

 

[Chriscom]

I'm always dubious when a doctor tells me they have tinnitus. Sometimes I think they just say it as they know there is no cure, i.e. they try to make you feel better by informing you that they are in the same position, but really they aren't....

Well put. I was surprised when I first started telling people I have tinnitus how many said they have it too--and at least the people I'm dealing with do. But probing a little deeper, for most it is mild or sporadic. For most of us here it's constant and for some genuinely disabling. It's a weird condition because you can look at someone with it, and they appear normal, but you have no idea what's going on inside their head.

 

[fishbone]

One told me he has tinnitus and it is nothing, just a noise, so don't listen to it!!! He said most people over the age of 50 have some mild tinnitus.

Don't listen to it unless it is so SEVERE and it screams like hell(It's impossible to not hear it). I love such comments [Purely sarcastic] and I'm a positive guy . Also even the slightest noise, can bother people that deal with anxiety and it is very hard for many, to not scan or listen for the tinnitus. In my 31 years of experience, my audiologist has been the BEST help to me and simply talking it out.

It has nothing to do with weakness, tinnitus can bring the strongest people to their knees.

Tinnitus for sure can humble people and change lives. People that deal with tinnitus, are some of the strongest people that I have ever known.

 

[emmalee]

Is it worth taking one's life due to tinnitus?

What if life has become so unbearable and so unrecognisable to what it was before?

Is it wrong to leave one's family behind if one's own suffering has gotten so bad?

If I may, all to gain, these are my answers to your three questions.

1) No, to me it isn't worth taking one's life due to tinnitus. Tinnitus may fade in the coming months for you, it has for many, not all perhaps, but again, for many it has.

2) What if it doesn't become these things? What if your life does indeed improve with the passage of time?

3) I believe so. Those you leave behind will suffer, even greater maybe. Those left behind may even blame themselves and this is quite possibly even worse, in my very humble opinion.

 

[Chriscom]

If I may, all to gain, these are my answers to your three questions.

1) No, to me it isn't worth taking one's life due to tinnitus. Tinnitus may fade in the coming months for you, it has for many, not all perhaps, but again, for many it has.

2) What if it doesn't become these things? What if your life does indeed improve with the passage of time?

3) I believe so. Those you leave behind will suffer, even greater maybe. Those left behind may even blame themselves and this is quite possibly even worse, in my very humble opinion.

If I can add to this, All to Gain, apparently you acquired Tinnitus recently, just last June. I got mine in May. As emalee says it's entirely possible it will eventually weaken to the point where it won't be an issue, as is often the case. For some it entirely goes away--eventually, though you certainly shouldn't count on that. Meanwhile there are a number of treatments under development that are very promising.

Taking your life is such a profoundly serious thing that I tremble even to mention it, even though I understand where you're coming from. But yeah it would erect a dark cloud over the rest of the lives of everyone who cares for you--even those who might not be paying enough attention right now.

Meanwhile tell anyone who tells you tinnitus is not a big deal to sod off--they have no idea.

 

[fishbone]

What if life has become so unbearable and so unrecognisable to what it was before?

I can give you an answer to this one. The life I live right now is TOTALLY not what I expected it to be. I never thought life would be a constant sea of obstacles and challenges every day. Not being able to hear and having severe tinnitus is not a life anyone wants. I can put a label on myself as society might see it, but that will NEVER happen.

Growing up as kids we had so much laughs, joys and excitement for life. We thought it would always remain and life would be beyond amazing. Our lives as little children was to just play, do our homework and be good kids and be loyal to our families.

We got older and we start having responsibilities. Unfortunately we got afflicted with tinnitus, you and the rest of this board are in a MUCH better position than I am. I share my stories here so people can get some motivation. When we are afflicted with obstacles our lives that we may live now may not be recognizable to our old selves. We can or may constantly shake our heads and say "what is going on?" This is normal, we are humans, we are frustrated, all of us.

My ears will NEVER get better, my hearing may get worst. I am involved in sports and fitness and I will never stop. I look at it this way. Life is beyond crazy right now, it's a fact for my life. Challenges will keep coming and affliction will be there. NOTHING about all of this is easy at all, NOTHING.

Each day I/WE ask ourselves how did this happen? WHY? I ask it too. I have and still do. As I say in my posts, ONLY WE CAN HELP OURSELVES! No one else! I have myself to look after and 3 sick dogs that need their daddy 24/7. They are my obligation in my life. Life may be very hard, IT IS. STILL, come up with a plan to try to make life a little better, it's not easy to do this. I have mixed/matched so so many different routines in my 31 years because I will NOT let tinnitus stop me. I have to adjust, I have adjusted, it's the evolution of moving forward in life.

I'll share a story, I was at the airport and in a cafe. This beautiful much younger gal started to talk to me and at first iw as going to ignore her. I was going to do this because, I cannot hear that good and I have intrusive T covering my hearing. So, She started talking to me and i was talking to her. I had to ask her MANY times to repeat what she was saying due to the music in the cafe and my bad ears. I normally would have given up on the conversation, but I DECIDED to carry on and she was smiling and was ok with how I was.

Life may seem a certain way at times, but until we TOTALLY TRY something, we shall never know. Don't give up! You have a family that loves you. THAT IS A BLESSING! Love them back! Make a plan and meet them half way and dicuss your tinnitus and see how you can work together to make it a little easier on all of you guys

This was a long post, but I felt that you and others needed to hear it

 

[all to gain]

They are also quick to prescribe pills, antidepressant and benzo prescriptions are on the rise....These pills have their place in healthcare, but they are not safe for everyone and do come with a whole range of side effects that drs fail to tell you.... Starting them is usually the easy part, but coming off them is a different story.

However, you need to taper off antidepressants do not just stop them, I have read you tried to taper and fell apart, so you have to decide if you are better on them or off them, only you know what works best for you....More people are arriving at TT with medication induced tinnitus from antidepressants, but then there is people who take them for life with no problems. After my experience I will always try and cope without medications. Exercise has improved my mood, but I know not everybody can do this.

I simply can't stop them now, even though I want to. After five attempts, with this last one ending in me falling apart, I am now on them for the rest of my life. But as I get older I may become susceptible to more and more of their side effects.

If I could go back in time I would never have gone on them as I generally hate drugs. Biggest mistake of my life. Any drug that alters or affects brain chemistry is going to cause problems somewhere down the line. I honestly feel antidepressants should be banned for all but the most serious cases.

 

[Chinmoku]

I actually tried Acamprosate, way before benzos and it did nothing for my tinnitus, but I felt it was worth a try as some people have had good results... I also tried Gabapentin, thank god only short term, but it did nothing for me either.

Honestly, Chinmoku, I have seen two neurologists due to problems I am having, wont go into detail but they were useless. One told me he has tinnitus and it is nothing, just a noise, so don't listen to it!!! He said most people over the age of 50 have some mild tinnitus... The other one said I can prescribe you Clonazepam, WTF, that is what has made my tinnitus worse, did he not read my referral. I try and stay right away from doctors now.

I would as well, Star, but I am hurting so much that I need some help. I keep deluding myself that I can find a doctor who can help me but it is not happening. My ears and my brain are trying to kill me. This morning I was trying to look normal for my kids but one of them must have realized I was struggling hard because at school he came back to kiss me. I took a day off work because the tinnitus is monster level but can't even stay in bed, my stomach tries to eat itself. It increased over 13 months from mild to crazy and no one knows why. It keeps worsening. I'm desperate

 

[Allan1967]

@fishbone you are such a strong man it drives me to shame. I have to ask... I personally feel like I have no more strength inside me, no more will to battle on. I simply have nothing left to give this. I am just literally stumbling from day to day. I have never known a time in my life that has persisted as long as this. I have had bad spikes [TMJ in 2006] and other health issues [MdBS that went eventually] and survived yet I don't feel I can survive this. I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.

Where do you draw your resolve from @fishbone?

 

[fishbone]

@fishbone you are such a strong man it drives me to shame. I have to ask... I personally feel like I have no more strength inside me, no more will to battle on. I simply have nothing left to give this. I am just literally stumbling from day to day. I have never known a time in my life that has persisted as long as this. I have had bad spikes [TMJ in 2006] and other health issues [MdBS that went eventually] and survived yet I don't feel I can survive this. I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.

Where do you draw your resolve from @fishbone?

I come here to give strength, to those that suffer with tinnitus. That's all I am doing, nothing more, nothing less. I share stories and hope it helps and motivates people to take those baby steps. The people here are amazing and very strong and I just try to help out

I draw my resolve from life, experiences, lessons, hardships and losing many things that I loved and still love. Wearing badges of pain on our sleeves can change us, it changed me, humbled me and I want to help others. I have asked many times, "Why did life turn out like this?" "Why?". Even though life may be what it is, I still try to keep hope alive and take small steps to possibly achieve my goals.


Don't lose hope my friend, that dark cloud can lift and that rainbow can exist at the end of the tunnel. It might not be an over night thing, but never lose hope....

I am always here, to support the members of this site.....

 

[emmalee]

I am always here, to support the members of this site.....

We are all very grateful for this, fishbone.

 

[PeteJ]

I am trying to watch tv but the tinnitus is too loud. Does that mean the tinnitus is at least 60 dB?
It always seems extra loud in the evening.

I was eating an apple and although I sliced it up, one piece seemed to be hard to chew. It's probably just a typical night spike though?

I think people are getting tired of me posting. Well, I am getting tired of living.

 

[PeteJ]

I would walk out in front of a car if I could guarantee it killing me.

Does anyone here have 9/10 or 10/10 in terms of loudness and severity?

Please reply. How do you function? How do you function with tinnitus that loud? My ear is a bit sore but I don't know if this is a spike but I assume it is. I think it's louder than a couple of hours ago.

Why is it so severe? What makes it so? I have some hearing loss. Is that it? Or something else? I am in my living room so it isn't like a loud noise did something. I do think it gets louder at night. I don't know how I can keep living like this. I hate this country. No one cares and I can't do anything about it. I want to work but I can't with it this loud. I just don't see any way except taking my life.

 

[Lane]

I would walk out in front of a car if I could guarantee it killing me.

You're crossing a line here. Don't even think or talk about doing something that has the likelihood of traumatizing an innocent person for the rest of their lives!

 

[Star64]

You're crossing a line here. Don't even think or talk about doing something that has the likelihood of traumatizing an innocent person for the rest of their lives!

I hope Pete was just using this line as an expression out of his frustration, as many people have said this without even giving it a second thought as to what they have said, let alone consider actually doing such a thing.

I have witnessed a person trying to take their own life this way, they did not succeed and were very badly injured with many broken bones.

They did heal, however, the trauma they caused the driver of the car mentally, will probably be with them for the rest of their life.

 

[Star64]

I would walk out in front of a car if I could guarantee it killing me.

Does anyone here have 9/10 or 10/10 in terms of loudness and severity?

Please reply. How do you function? How do you function with tinnitus that loud? My ear is a bit sore but I don't know if this is a spike but I assume it is. I think it's louder than a couple of hours ago.

Why is it so severe? What makes it so? I have some hearing loss. Is that it? Or something else? I am in my living room so it isn't like a loud noise did something. I do think it gets louder at night. I don't know how I can keep living like this. I hate this country. No one cares and I can't do anything about it. I want to work but I can't with it this loud. I just don't see any way except taking my life.

I have 9 or 10 severe tinnitus at present, it never stops, it changes tones and some I can cope with better than others but it is severe...

I also have left ear pain, and rhythmic clicking continuously in this ear too. I feel my brain quivering in my skull, I have wake sleep seizure activity several times per night, my skin burns, I have inner vibrations like a car idling rough, I have intermittent hyperacusis, muscle twitches, muscle pain, bladder pain plus to many other symptoms to list.

I got all these things from taking a drug that was helping my tinnitus for awhile, that is until it turned on me.
I also have hearing loss in both ears, moderate in my left... I truly feel for you Pete,

I am not telling you all this to say look at me, I am suffering worse than you, but to rather let you know the good people on Tinnitus Talk do care, I would not be here today with all this going on if I did not have the support and friendship from people who understand what it is like to be struggling with tinnitus and especially those that have came out the other side of benzo withdrawal.

Please listen to @fishbone and all the other kind people who are trying to help you. I understand your frustration as presently there is no cure for tinnitus, it is F##cked condition to have, but the majority of people on here do care.

 

[Star64]

Don't listen to it unless it is so SEVERE and it screams like hell(It's impossible to not hear it). I love such comments [Purely sarcastic] and I'm a positive guy . Also even the slightest noise, can bother people that deal with anxiety and it is very hard for many, to not scan or listen for the tinnitus. In my 31 years of experience, my audiologist has been the BEST help to me and simply talking it out.

Tinnitus for sure can humble people and change lives. People that deal with tinnitus, are some of the strongest people that I have ever known.

You really are an inspiration to so many people on here.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the guidance you have given me