Suicidal

[Madi]

I normally try to post positivity when I'm here, since I know places like this are where people come when they need to vent, but it's so hard to be positive lately.

I've been dealing with weird hearing distortions lately — sometimes tiny fragments of speech will sound almost electronic, or digitized, or robotic, however you want to describe it, especially when there is background noise. It took an ENT two weeks to finally get me in for an appointment tomorrow, but only after me hounding them with messages. I feel like nobody takes me seriously when I talk about this distortion, especially since my audiogram is normal. I'm worried it could be hidden hearing loss, damage to the nerve, or something even more sinister. I'm trying not to freak out about it, because I know I am prone to anxiety and being a hypochondriac.

But everything is hard. It's harder to listen to music because I'm just looking for something to sound wrong. It's hard to listen to people talk, because I'm just looking for that weird digitized distortion to pop up. I can't name how many times I've just sat in my bed and cried because it feels like everything I used to know has changed, and I just want it back. I'm holding out hope for treatments like what Otonomy is doing for cochlear synaptopathy, but it's hard to be patient.

It's weird, walking a line between being so, so tired of life while still being so afraid to die. Mostly, I want a reset button. I want to redo the past year. I would do so much differently. I'm staying alive for my family, my friends, and my girlfriend, and for that little glimmer of hope that things will be better in the future. But mostly I'm just sad right now, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I need, so I'm reaching out to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I hope we all find happiness soon.

 

[valeri]

People's opinions or their lives, would never affect my decision about suicide. The only thing that affects my decision, is being scared of what awaits me, after I commit suicide - For example going to hell. I wish I was born in a country like Japan, where suicide could be seen as a good thing, in certain circumstances. I just think about those Japanese soldiers and army generals, who just killed themselves, because they felt it was the righteous thing to do.

Same with me, in my search to reassure myself I found the following video. But who could possibly know for sure!

 

[Allan1967]

I feel like I'm coming close to pulling the plug. Tinnitus + new noise was horrific last night.

 

[Chinmoku]

Yeah one of the only things that kept me alive in days 30-100 was the fact that suicide might lead to an observed, cold dark loneliness for eternity. Something about choosing to exit the life cycle willingly feels like you'd incur such an ultimate curse.

Some other people I found fear that, indeed. However, again, why should this be for eternity? I understand a period of evolution for the soul, repentance, etc, but what's the point of having this last "forever"?
I also think that our thinking in this sphere cannot be really decoupled from time. On the other side time is not a necessary ingredient of the universe, there are quantum gravity configurations (very speculative of course) where time is not distinguished from space really, and the notion of time does not exist. If the afterlife has a different type of time we can't even imagine it, so terms like "eternal" and "forever" could be warnings that try to translate something linked to a different notion of time.
The idea that most of humanity is going to burn in hell forever is worrying, but that is mostly a middle age construction. Dante Alighieri has a lot to answer for with his Divina Commedia.

 

[Chinmoku]

It's actually 6 times more likely.

I had heard the 3x figure a few years ago. Was it wrong then or have things worsened a lot in the last few years?
But it's not just the multiplier. Even if the kids stay alive, their quality of life goes down the drain most times.

 

[Star64]

It's actually 6 times more likely.

I have looked after many people that have become revolving door patients in Mental Health facilities due to losing a parent to suicide, So yes these stats are probably correct.

Nobody deserves to suffer a life living with tinnitus but the alternatives are not a good option either when it comes to leaving family behind.

 

[acute]

There is nothing After Life.

 

[Chinmoku]

There is nothing After Life.

We don't really know. NDEs seem to give some credibility to an afterlife. On the other hand I went under general anesthesia twice in my life and I don't recall anything, just blacked out and regained consciousness later, without any perception in-between.

The neurologists explanation of NDEs is highly insufficient. There is no way that a dopamine or some other neurotransmitter release allows people who are born blind to see and interpret what they see in a sensible way. Maybe something else is at play, and it is not related to an afterlife, but for sure it is not explained by the current neurological ideas and I doubt it can be explained in any model where consciousness is coming only from the brain operations.

 

[Tweaker]

I have kids too and when I think of the pain they would go through losing a parent, it helps me keep going for their sake. But I do struggle with suicidal thoughts with this electrical storm inside my head/ears.

 

[AlbertJ]

I normally try to post positivity when I'm here, since I know places like this are where people come when they need to vent, but it's so hard to be positive lately.

I've been dealing with weird hearing distortions lately — sometimes tiny fragments of speech will sound almost electronic, or digitized, or robotic, however you want to describe it, especially when there is background noise. It took an ENT two weeks to finally get me in for an appointment tomorrow, but only after me hounding them with messages. I feel like nobody takes me seriously when I talk about this distortion, especially since my audiogram is normal. I'm worried it could be hidden hearing loss, damage to the nerve, or something even more sinister. I'm trying not to freak out about it, because I know I am prone to anxiety and being a hypochondriac.

But everything is hard. It's harder to listen to music because I'm just looking for something to sound wrong. It's hard to listen to people talk, because I'm just looking for that weird digitized distortion to pop up. I can't name how many times I've just sat in my bed and cried because it feels like everything I used to know has changed, and I just want it back. I'm holding out hope for treatments like what Otonomy is doing for cochlear synaptopathy, but it's hard to be patient.

It's weird, walking a line between being so, so tired of life while still being so afraid to die. Mostly, I want a reset button. I want to redo the past year. I would do so much differently. I'm staying alive for my family, my friends, and my girlfriend, and for that little glimmer of hope that things will be better in the future. But mostly I'm just sad right now, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I need, so I'm reaching out to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I hope we all find happiness soon.

Dear @Madi,

I have been hearing distortions, too, for the past four weeks now.

My T reared its ugly head to me exactly a year ago during an ear infection. The first few months were hell as I could barely sleep with a siren-like sound in my ears. I have had H as well that faded significantly. My T has significantly improved but I have had bad spikes every now and then.

Then about four weeks ago, I started experiencing sound distortions over fans, running water, television, ACs, loud music, car engine, and anything that reverberates. It is sort of whistling/broken speaker/high-pitch tone louder than my T.

I have been to three ENT doctors but no one has been definitive of what is causing my new symptom. My audiogram and speech discrimination tests are normal - meaning I have no hearing loss, at least, on the audiogram and Weber tests.

This sound distortion is more annoying with my T as sounds trigger it. High-powered exhaust fans give me a very loud high-pitched tone and the traffic sounds like a siren you hear from apocalyptic films.

I am suspecting these conditions that might be giving me the sound distortion:

1. Tonic tensor tympani syndrome (TTTS)
2. Patulous eustachian tube (PET)
3. Tempomandibular joint dysfunction (TMD)

I wish us well on this journey.


Warm regards,
Albert

 

[AlbertJ]

Dear fellow T warriors,

Here is to wishing and praying for our immediate recovery from our symptoms. Let us persevere one moment at a time - for the sake of ourselves and our loved ones. I may not know how loud T and H can be for some of us but my thoughts and prayers are with you all. I could not agree more how serious suicide is. I really hope I can do something to alleviate your pain.


Warm regards,
Albert

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I have looked after many people that have become revolving door patients in Mental Health facilities due to losing a parent to suicide, So yes these stats are probably correct.

Nobody deserves to suffer a life living with tinnitus but the alternatives are not a good option either when it comes to leaving family behind.

But is it really okay to force another person, who suffers to the point of being a revolving mental health facility door patient, to stick it out, so you won't suffer? Sorry, I respect people's opinions but understanding this... I have a hard time with. I can understand how devastating losing a loved one could be, but if they have tried all to get better and given it enough time, then I think it would be an even more devastating scenario, to keep this family member alive just for one's own sake.

For me if a family member asked that of me, I think I would never speak to them again, because that ain't love in my book... it's imprisonment of another persons life. "If you love somebody, set them free".... that's a beautiful and very true statement imo. I could never ask of my mom or siblings to go trough life suffering greatly, just for my sake. Which is why I condone Gaby Olthuis desicion, and have great respect for her family that had the mercy to let go of her, so she could find peace.

No disrespect. Like I said, even though I don't understand your opinion, It's up to each of us to decide what's right for us and our family, and I respect that. Just my two cents on this euthanasia/suicide debate.

 

[Ross Lavigne]

just had my first ever sleepless night since i got tinnitus. i think i finally got an hours sleep when it hit around 9am and that's only because i put some sleep app noise on my phone, also i'm not even sure how to describe it anymore, it's like a mix of sizzling and ringing. hopefully something comes out next year atleast to help this or suicides looking like more of an option

 

[mrbrightside614]

Some other people I found fear that, indeed. However, again, why should this be for eternity? I understand a period of evolution for the soul, repentance, etc, but what's the point of having this last "forever"?
I also think that our thinking in this sphere cannot be really decoupled from time. On the other side time is not a necessary ingredient of the universe, there are quantum gravity configurations (very speculative of course) where time is not distinguished from space really, and the notion of time does not exist. If the afterlife has a different type of time we can't even imagine it, so terms like "eternal" and "forever" could be warnings that try to translate something linked to a different notion of time.
The idea that most of humanity is going to burn in hell forever is worrying, but that is mostly a middle age construction. Dante Alighieri has a lot to answer for with his Divina Commedia.

I definitely don't have the answers. However, as you mentioned, with the potential for time being immaterial in said realms, I'd suppose the likelihood of it feeling like an eternity is the same as it feeling like a mere glimpse.

I'd rather not bank on the latter, though. I'm giving this another year of little- to no-improvement before I take matters into my own hands and into foreign stem cell territory; that is, if Frequency and Shore are still not nearing attainability at that time.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

To Acute:
Some writers who were atheists:
1) Herman Melville
2) Karl Marx
3) Charles Darwin
4) Sigmund Freud
5) Upton Sinclair
6) Theodore Dreiser
7) Stephen Crane (read his great short story "The Open Boat")
8) Franz Kafka
9) Jean Paul Sartre
10) Albert Camus (who bluntly stated, "Humanity is alone in the Universe." Also, read that great passage and his
conclusions about the nonexistence of God in
his novel "The Plague" when a child is dying a prolonged, agonizing death from the Plague. )
11) Fyodor Dostoevsky (read his Grand Inquisitor)
12) W. Somerset Maugham
13) Samuel Beckett
14) Christopher Hitchens (in fact, ferociously atheistic - his last book was "God is Not Great")
15) Stephen Hawking (a very committed lifelong atheist)
16) Elie Wiesel (whose experiences in the German Death Camps decided his atheism).
17) Ingmar Bergman (when he was asked during an interview about a Personal, Loving God,
he burst out laughing as such ludicrousness.)

I also recall that George Carlin once said, quite accurately: "There is more evidence for the existence of UFOs
than there is for the existence of God."
We are just primates with oversized brains who are the result of the last, fatal thrust of evolution and will ultimately wipe ourselves out as a species.
Being emotionally hamstrung with this condition for nearly 6 years has decided my atheism.
(Or, as the character Jewel said in Faulkner's "As I Lay Dying", "If there is a God, then what the Hell
is He for?")

 

[PeteJ]

I think I fucked up at my dentist visit. I don't have money to buy my suicide supplies.

Did anyone here have a spike they think came from a dental visit eventually subside and return to baseline? If so, how long did it take until it did?

I can't deal with this. I can't.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

To that list above I forgot to add Ernest Hemingway (I live two miles away from the house he was born in).

Read his short story "A Clean, Well Lighted Place" for his views on nothingness after death.
He was drinking a quart of whiskey a day before he ended it all with the barrel of a shotgun in his mouth.

 

[PeteJ]

To that list above I forgot to add Ernest Hemingway (I live two miles away from the house he was born in).

Read his short story "A Clean, Well Lighted Place" for his views on nothingness after death.
He was drinking a quart of whiskey a day before he ended it all with the barrel of a shotgun in his mouth.

That's really depressing.

I think the saddest thing in the world is that nothing happens with us after death but it's probably true.

People who have a faith and religion are lucky in a way since they have something that drives them but that's a frame of mind I don't see. Anyway, enough of that.

 

[PeteJ]

Anyone here have spikes after the dentist? Please, I hope it subsides. I really screwed up. My brain doesn't work but I don't want to be screwed. :-(

 

[AlbertJ]

I think I fucked up at my dentist visit. I don't have money to buy my suicide supplies.

Did anyone here have a spike they think came from a dental visit eventually subside and return to baseline? If so, how long did it take until it did?

I can't deal with this. I can't.

Dear @PeteJ,

Hang in there, buddy.
Let us do it small step at a time.

Would it be possible for you to take a cold shower to relax you a bit? Taking a bath often helps me relax.

Warm regards,
Albert

 

[AlbertJ]

Anyone here have spikes after the dentist? Please, I hope it subsides. I really screwed up. My brain doesn't work but I don't want to be screwed. :-(

I just prayed for you, buddy. I asked God to help you right now and that you shall be healed from all of your symptoms.

And sorry if I come across as condescending.

 

[PeteJ]

I just prayed for you, buddy. I asked God to help you right now and that you shall be healed from all of your symptoms.

And sorry if I come across as condescending.

No. Don't worry, man. I am just scared of tinnitus getting worse and I am mad at myself because there are a few people here who described what to do at the dentist and I previously knew it! But, I was anxious and concentrating so much on getting noise cancelling headphones that I got confused at the appointment. I don't want a mistake costing me.

I read that some people got a temporary spike but I don't know if they used the 5 second drill, 10 second break routine at their dentist or what.

I think I need magnesium glycinate (?), NAC and maybe curcumin too (?) :-( I don't know if it will even help but I will try anything if I can. :-(

 

[PeteJ]

@Greg Sacramento,
Sorry to bother you but have you ever had spikes after dentist visits. I think some people here have had fillings and root canals but I am hoping that spikes are temporary for most people.

I screwed up and somehow forgot the recommended drill/break routine. No wonder the dentist was okay with when I put up my hand. I let him drill too long. :-( I am scared now. The spike didn't happen right after but that seems to be the typical process with loud noise and spikes? :-(

 

[dan]

Or his tinnitus is not as bad as yours?

I think we can't know if someone else will habituate, only ourselves for our own tinnitus. I don't know why people agreed with his post. Empty promises don't help.

She never described it.
We must compare side by side.

 

[dan]

I think I fucked up at my dentist visit. I don't have money to buy my suicide supplies.

Do you go to Home Depot for that?

 

[AlbertJ]

No. Don't worry, man. I am just scared of tinnitus getting worse and I am mad at myself because there are a few people here who described what to do at the dentist and I previously knew it! But, I was anxious and concentrating so much on getting noise cancelling headphones that I got confused at the appointment. I don't want a mistake costing me.

I read that some people got a temporary spike but I don't know if they used the 5 second drill, 10 second break routine at their dentist or what.

I think I need magnesium glycinate (?), NAC and maybe curcumin too (?) :-( I don't know if it will even help but I will try anything if I can. :-(

Spikes are almost always temporary so it would be better to do somethings to relax your mind. Try using nature sounds and or white noise so as to help you not focus on your tinnitus. Get some plenty of rest and avoid alcohol and caffeine.
Anxiety feeds tinnitus so try to be calm as much as possible.

Magnesium supplements can help relax the ear muscles and the nervous system in general. I do not have any experience with NAC or curcumin so I won't be able to confirm if they work. Vitamin B-Complex may also help.

Avoid loud environments and using earphones even at low volume. Protect your ears at all cost. Exercise, exercise, exercise.

 

[Star64]

But is it really okay to force another person, who suffers to the point of being a revolving mental health facility door patient, to stick it out, so you won't suffer? Sorry, I respect people's opinions but understanding this... I have a hard time with. I can understand how devastating losing a loved one could be, but if they have tried all to get better and given it enough time, then I think it would be an even more devastating scenario, to keep this family member alive just for one's own sake.
on their
For me if a family member asked that of me, I think I would never speak to them again, because that ain't love in my book... it's imprisonment of another persons life. "If you love somebody, set them free".... that's a beautiful and very true statement imo. I could never ask of my mom or siblings to go trough life suffering greatly, just for my sake. Which is why I condone Gaby Olthuis desicion, and have great respect for her family that had the mercy to let go of her, so she could find peace.

No disrespect. Like I said, even though I don't understand your opinion, It's up to each of us to decide what's right for us and our family, and I respect that. Just my two cents on this euthanasia/suicide debate.

Its Ok Danish Girl, everybody has a right to their own opinion and I do not see you being disrespectful at all, in fact I admire your honesty and openness in your posts.

I think you misunderstood my opinion though, firstly I do not think anybody has the right to tell anybody what they should do when it comes to choosing life or death, I was just stating that nobody should be put in this position. Deciding to continue to live with tinnitus or to take ones life is a personal choice, but this choice would certainly not be easy especially when leaving family members such as young children behind.

I actually was actively involved in lobbying to change our laws here in Victoria Australia to pass the bill in parliament for VAD, the first person to use this died peacefully in a Nursing home on the 15th July this year, I am so grateful that she was able to have a peaceful death. Some of my friends were totally against this bill being passed, so you see I respect everybody's opinion, we all have different reasons behind them.

VAD in Victoria still needs to meet strict requirements, so it is not an option made available to everyone with a chronic condition. Things move slowly here, but VAD for terminal patients at least is a start in the right direction I feel. I am still hoping nobody suffering with tinnitus will ever have to use VAD, but if that is what someones wants then I would definitely respect their choice.

Nobody I believe truly wants to die, they just wont to end their suffering, I have been in this position for months at a time and I am so glad that I chose life, but there were times I did not think I was going to make it. I am grateful to be alive now, even with tinnitus.

 

[PeteJ]

@Star64, I agree with your post but I think when tinnitus is severe, it is arguably the worst condition you can have. You don't die from it unless you take your life from it - otherwise you just suffer and get tortured.

For some people, it isn't just tinnitus, it's hyperacusis, ear fullness, ear pain and other health problems that these problems probably contributed to or happen in addition to.

All of this is invisible to others which makes it a unique and horrible condition.

I think that justifies as being an understandable reason for allowing suicide/euthanasia.

 

[PeteJ]

Spikes are almost always temporary so it would be better to do somethings to relax your mind. Try using nature sounds and or white noise so as to help you not focus on your tinnitus. Get some plenty of rest and avoid alcohol and caffeine.
Anxiety feeds tinnitus so try to be calm as much as possible.

Magnesium supplements can help relax the ear muscles and the nervous system in general. I do not have any experience with NAC or curcumin so I won't be able to confirm if they work. Vitamin B-Complex may also help.

Avoid loud environments and using earphones even at low volume. Protect your ears at all cost. Exercise, exercise, exercise.

I hope so Albert. My tinnitus has often fluctuated at least in the morning albeit briefly after I wake up although it is not a major change, it's something. Like 8/10 and then eventually going up to 10/10 for the rest of the day. That has been the common experience for a while.

Now, I have 11/10 with multiple tones and left ear fullness.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

Sorry to bother you but have you ever had spikes after dentist visits. I think some people here have had fillings and root canals but I am hoping that spikes are temporary for most people.

I screwed up and somehow forgot the recommended drill/break routine. No wonder the dentist was okay with when I put up my hand. I let him drill too long. :-( I am scared now. The spike didn't happen right after but that seems to be the typical process with loud noise and spikes? :-(

I think I need magnesium glycinate (?), NAC and maybe curcumin too (?) :-( I don't know if it will even help but I will try anything if I can. :-(

I take one tablet of magnesium and a tablet of NAC with a glass of water, then I lay down and try to sleep for a bit.
I will take another magnesium tablet or half of a tablet during the day.
I Repeat this process for a week.
Do not use curcumin while using magnesium or NAC.

When a person approaches their bed to lay down, the brain has already decided on what position to get in to. Help the brain and when you are being told to change sides while in bed, do it. Curl legs or use other sleeping methods that make you comfortable. When trying to fall asleep, think about being in a safe place or think about something that interest you. Take one tablet of magnesium before sleep. Those that use sleep methods like this have better results in calming down a spike.