Suicidal

[Zugzug]

I feel this. I'm so sorry it's been so rough.

Is any of this feeling today related at all to your biopsy results?

You deserve so much better in life. ((Hug)).

God is a piece of garbage.

I'll say that much.

 

[Contrast]

but I can't help but completely hate being alive.

He explains that life really doesn't exist. And that if you think about it, life is just extremely sophisticated self organizing chemical reactions, though enormously complex and beyond our current understanding, "life" is ultimately just as classically physical and deterministic as a rock rolling down a hill. At no point does a complex system made of carbon, oxygen, hydrogen etc... gain a new physical property of being "alive", as life itself just a high level emergent property of chemistry, that is trivial and irrelevant to the material, physical, deterministic non-mental Universe that we live in.

In other words, you're a machine made of meat.

God is a piece of garbage.

Garbage actually exist, as it has physical, material and measurable properties; unlike God - he says.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Having a really rough time. I'm stable, but I can't help but completely hate being alive. In every way, my years left are going to be filled with non-stop torture and hardship.

Hello dear ZugZug,

I have been around but not writing. It's early here and I just read your post.

I am so sorry my friend.

I understand and feel your suffering.

How did the car ride and subsequent tests go at the hospital?

I have a hyperacusis car ride story from hell, your situation resonated with me.

Just checking in to say hi and share the love and understanding.

See you around friend,
Daniel

 

[Zugzug]

In other words, You're a machine made of meat.

Thanks for cheering me up lol. The alter is very steadfast in his beliefs.

 

[Kriszti]

I'm really down. Depression has long been part of my life, but tinnitus feels like the dot on the i, and I feel I'm beyond help and I don't know where to turn for help if any even exists. With tinnitus, all my coping mechanisms failed me. I often wonder when is the point that my existence is more burdensome on my loved ones than death. I don't want to screw up my siblings' lives. As, I guess, everyone in this thread, I don't want to die, but don't want to live like this.

 

[ajc]

I'm really down. Depression has long been part of my life, but tinnitus feels like the dot on the i, and I feel I'm beyond help and I don't know where to turn for help if any even exists. With tinnitus, all my coping mechanisms failed me. I often wonder when is the point that my existence is more burdensome on my loved ones than death. I don't want to screw up my siblings' lives. As, I guess, everyone in this thread, I don't want to die, but don't want to live like this.

What do your siblings think of your tinnitus and how it makes you feel? Have you spoken to them about your suicidal ideation?

 

[Zugzug]

Hello dear ZugZug,

I have been around but not writing. It's early here and I just read your post.

I am so sorry my friend.

I understand and feel your suffering.

How did the car ride and subsequent tests go at the hospital?

I have a hyperacusis car ride story from hell, your situation resonated with me.

Just checking in to say hi and share the love and understanding.

See you around friend,
Daniel

Daniel, you are one of the few positive people that never piss me off. It's a true gift.

The car ride and everything was a best case scenario. No setback and a firm diagnosis.

I'm really sorry you had a bad experience in the car. There's so much luck involve. I prepared like mad, but it doesn't matter. Luck, luck, luck.

 

[Lasse S]

Why tinnitus, hyperacusis and noxacusis keep getting worse for some of us? For no apparent reason, when a lot of people do see improvements. This torture is no life to live.

I wish I was a vet and had easy access to reliable end of life medication. If I was an animal I would have been put down long ago to end my suffering.

 

[FGG]

Why tinnitus, hyperacusis and noxacusis keep getting worse for some of us? For no apparent reason, when a lot of people do see improvements. This torture is no life to live.

I wish I was a vet and had easy access to reliable end of life medication. If I was an animal I would have been put down long ago to end my suffering.

You would have to be a working vet to have access. Some drugs are dispensed at the business/clinic level only which means vets who are too disabled to work, also do not have access.

But I agree, we are more kind to suffering animals.

 

[Lasse S]

You would have to be a working vet to have access. Some drugs are dispensed at the business/clinic level only which means vets who are too disabled to work, also do not have access.

But I agree, we are more kind to suffering animals.

Yes I know, sorry. It was not my intention to offend you (don't know if I did).

 

[FGG]

Yes I know, sorry. It was not my intention to offend you (don't know if I did).

Didn't offend me at all. Just an FYI more than anything.

 

[__nico__]

@Zugzug, what was the biopsy procedure for Sjogren's like?

 

[Ed209]

Having a really rough time. I'm stable, but I can't help but completely hate being alive. In every way, my years left are going to be filled with non-stop torture and hardship.

I'm really sorry to hear that, Zug. No matter how you feel now, though, it doesn't dictate how you'll feel in the future. Anything is possible.

Hang in there and know there are loads of people here who love and respect you. Support is always a click away.

 

[Matchbox]

I'm about to completely lose it. The whole orchestra is front center tonight. First time in silence in a while. Quiet rooms are a literal hell. But the more I mask to hide it, the worse I feel it gets. I don't think I'm getting better.

It is... a different level of hell. I keep waking up thinking how do I keep going... is today the day I end it... use the trigger as a reboot... try the next life?

That just keeps happening... and nights like tonight verify it... I don't want to slowly be trapped in my own head needing progressively louder sounds just to "exist" for a few years.

At some point... I won't be able to hide. Not like I don't hear and feel the thumping distortion anyways. But nights in quiet like this... it sounds disgusting.

As if the doctor created Frankenstein, then gave up on me when they realized instead of help they made a monster.

 

[Michael Leigh]

I'm about to completely lose it. The whole orchestra is front center tonight. First time in silence in a while. Quiet rooms are a literal hell. But the more I mask to hide it, the worse I feel it gets. I don't think I'm getting better.

Tinnitus can be difficult to cope with when it is severe. It shouldn't be masked so try not to do this by covering it up. Set the sound preferably something neutral like nature sounds or soothing classical music, slightly below the tinnitus so it's not competing with it. Some people are apprehensive about taking an antidepressant, preferring to try and go it alone and work through the difficulty that tinnitus is causing them. However, when this condition is unrelenting it can wear down a person's mental and emotional wellbeing considerably.

If you haven't talked to your doctor recently about how you feel then please do, and if an antidepressant is recommended I suggest taking it, as it will help prevent you from feeling too down by acting as a safety net and doesn't have to be taken long term. If possible try and get a referral to see an Audiologist that specialises in tinnitus treatment and management as counselling can help.

All the best and hope you start to feel better soon.
Michael

Tinnitus and Mental Health | Tinnitus Talk Support Forum

 

[Kriszti]

What do your siblings think of your tinnitus and how it makes you feel? Have you spoken to them about your suicidal ideation?

Yes, I have talked to my family about it, they want to help, but can't. Also, having a history with depression and GAD is not helping, they think that this is basically a mental health problem, therefore treatable. My sister is the only one who can actually here all the frequencies I have, so she has an idea how much this sucks. My father has had chronic pain for 30+ years, so for him tinnitus seems to be a nuisance.

 

[AliasM]

I can relate. My brain is so noisy, I can't cope. My whole left side of my brain is a somatic pulsatile static hiss. It gets louder when I chew, stand up, turn to look at something, roll over in bed. Then there is the ringing that often feels like a drill in my head. When I lie down, take a shower, get into a silent car and more, I get new tones instantly. I don't see how anyone could habituate to this.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this. It's torture. I get through one hour at a time but I am tired, and I feel done.

 

[Zugzug]

@Zugzug, what was the biopsy procedure for Sjogren's like?

The biopsy itself was a piece of cake. It was all of the other stuff regarding car rides and travel with severe hyperacusis.

The doctor that I got it from is really good at them. No noise whatsoever. She numbed me, left the room for 15 minutes, came back, and did the procedure in ~5 minutes with no machines at all. I didn't bleed much either. The procedure itself is 100% tinnitus and hyperacusis friendly, even in severe cases.

 

[Zugzug]

I believe I'm a part of an experiment.

Like how we fuck around with lab rats to progress forward. Someone is fucking with me on purpose to study my brain and its reaction to torture. It has to be intentional.

Don't worry, I'm not nuts. It just really, really feels that way.

 

[FGG]

I believe I'm a part of an experiment.

Like how we fuck around with lab rats to progress forward. Someone is fucking with me on purpose to study my brain and its reaction to torture. It has to be intentional.

Don't worry, I'm not nuts. It just really, really feels that way.

My friend tells me things like this happen because we are all in a simulation (it's a bit more complicated than that but that's the gist). I dismissed the idea but I'm less and less sure...

 

[Born To Slay]

I believe I'm a part of an experiment.

Like how we fuck around with lab rats to progress forward. Someone is fucking with me on purpose to study my brain and its reaction to torture. It has to be intentional.

Don't worry, I'm not nuts. It just really, really feels that way.

Hey Zug, I'm just curious, have you tried any pain medication for your condition?

 

[Zugzug]

Hey Zug, I'm just curious, have you tried any pain medication for your condition?

Pain is not my core problem (right now, though it was in the past). I have very, very bad loudness hyperacusis and tinnitus that is progressive because it's caused by my own immune system. No real treatments or cures for either.

 

[Born To Slay]

Pain is not my core problem (right now, though it was in the past). I have very, very bad loudness hyperacusis and tinnitus that is progressive because it's caused by my own immune system. No real treatments or cures for either.

Gotcha, I'm sorry to hear that man. Since I mainly suffer from noxacusis, can I just ask what loudness hyperacusis is like?

 

[Zugzug]

Gotcha, I'm sorry to hear that man. Since I mainly suffer from noxacusis, can I just ask what loudness hyperacusis is like?

Sound is very, very loud and makes the brain freak out as well with anger and other forms of intense overstimulation. I also have loud tinnitus. Clearly, the cause has a lot to do with the severity, because loudness hyperacusis is generally seen as less severe than pain hyperacusis, but when it worsens progressively on a non-stop basis, it can be total torture.

 

[Born To Slay]

Sound is very, very loud and makes the brain freak out as well with anger and other forms of intense overstimulation. I also have loud tinnitus. Clearly, the cause has a lot to do with the severity, because loudness hyperacusis is generally seen as less severe than pain hyperacusis, but when it worsens progressively on a non-stop basis, it can be total torture.

Oh I would never try to downplay it or imply noxacusis is worse, I was just asking so I can better understand what you guys go thru.

What you've described sounds horrible. I hope they find something for you.

 

[GBB]

I'm about to completely lose it. The whole orchestra is front center tonight. First time in silence in a while. Quiet rooms are a literal hell. But the more I mask to hide it, the worse I feel it gets. I don't think I'm getting better.

It is... a different level of hell. I keep waking up thinking how do I keep going... is today the day I end it... use the trigger as a reboot... try the next life?

That just keeps happening... and nights like tonight verify it... I don't want to slowly be trapped in my own head needing progressively louder sounds just to "exist" for a few years.

At some point... I won't be able to hide. Not like I don't hear and feel the thumping distortion anyways. But nights in quiet like this... it sounds disgusting.

As if the doctor created Frankenstein, then gave up on me when they realized instead of help they made a monster.

Mine began the same exact month as yours and I'm feeling the same way. The only way we can keep going is we must hypnotize ourselves to believe eventual improvement/recovery is possible. With this thought in the background of my mind I've been able to do some work, play video games (albeit like a robot), and do other busy distraction tasks. If I don't believe this improvement premise, and often times I break down and question it, I'm not sure I'd last a month.

 

[Matchbox]

Mine began the same exact month as yours and I'm feeling the same way. The only way we can keep going is we must hypnotize ourselves to believe eventual improvement/recovery is possible. With this thought in the background of my mind I've been able to do some work, play video games (albeit like a robot), and do other busy distraction tasks. If I don't believe this improvement premise, and often times I break down and question it, I'm not sure I'd last a month.

It's so difficult to have the get on with life attitude when new noises and disturbing thumps and hums which deafen your night is your existence ever changing. Impossible to get used to constant dramatic negative changes and ever increasing volumes so frequently.

Then do work pretending everything is fine when I'm constantly fighting.

When things get worse I no longer panic... I think... well fuck.

I've surrendered but not habituated. It's a very "give up" danger zone mentally to be in.

 

[roy1159]

In 16 months most get back to some form of normal life with the onset of tinnitus/other ear problems. Since the onset my tinnitus increased to severe, my brain deteriorated to the point that it can't or won't process speech. I'm reaching closer than ever to the edge.

Thursday I may get some answers as to why my hearing apparatus has decimated so fast. Not like it can lead to treatment or getting better. I don't even expect it.

In the next trial of life I hope to make better decisions like not working in a noisy café (what a big decision lol) and have some better luck in general. I'm tired of hanging in the balance and being debilitated like this.

 

[GBB]

It's so difficult to have the get on with life attitude when new noises and disturbing thumps and hums which deafen your night is your existence ever changing. Impossible to get used to constant dramatic negative changes and ever increasing volumes so frequently.

Then do work pretending everything is fine when I'm constantly fighting.

When things get worse I no longer panic... I think... well fuck.

I've surrendered but not habituated. It's a very "give up" danger zone mentally to be in.

I agree it's impossible to get used to or habituate - I have not done either. For me, it's a daily self-hypnosis, and then dealing with continual noise that I can hear 24/7, usually with external audio even if it distorts, and avoiding the triggers for my reactivity like fan noise. I appreciate we may not be the same, though I do consider my case severe. I am not saying this to tell you to get over it, I'm just saying, in case it helps, there are others hewing their way through these stone tunnels with their bare hands, like you.

 

[Matchbox]

I agree it's impossible to get used to or habituate - I have not done either. For me, it's a daily self-hypnosis, and then dealing with continual noise that I can hear 24/7, usually with external audio even if it distorts, and avoiding the triggers for my reactivity like fan noise. I appreciate we may not be the same, though I do consider my case severe. I am not saying this to tell you to get over it, I'm just saying, in case it helps, there are others hewing their way through these stone tunnels with their bare hands, like you.

Well so long as we can all try to help each other, at this point I think that is what matters most. Comparing experiences, finding similarities, so at the least if we can't figure out how to get better, maybe figure out how to stop getting worse and be able to cobble together life again.