Suicidal

Everything keeps making my tinnitus worse. It was already irritated from a recent noise exposure and I couldn't sleep much last night. And today my neighbors riding lawnmower just backfired right outside my window and my tinnitus is all over and making me feel physically very sick. It's already more than I can bear and typically after a spike it ramps up for a few days following so I don't know how I'll make it through this.
 
Bro you blame everything on everyone else. You blame people for making you get the vaccine and making you go outside! You're a grown man, take some responsibility!
Dude we are on a forum for how people got tinnitus. I'm just stating what I went through. Ya, in the end I let them push me too much. But I've been through narcissistic abuse all my life. So yes, I'm pretty sore about those same people pushing me to my demise with tinnitus.
 
Everything keeps making my tinnitus worse. It was already irritated from a recent noise exposure and I couldn't sleep much last night. And today my neighbors riding lawnmower just backfired right outside my window and my tinnitus is all over and making me feel physically very sick. It's already more than I can bear and typically after a spike it ramps up for a few days following so I don't know how I'll make it through this.
I hope you can get it calmed down. Much love brother. This shit ain't easy.
 
@Travis Henry, we know cases of medical doctors who pushed treatments that ruined people, neglecting to mention important information, we had some dramatic examples in this forum with both medications and TMS. There is maybe a lesson for next time, not to trust medical doctors blindly, although many of us are in such pain that it's impossible to advocate for ourselves. Many of us here understand, man. Hold on and don't mind the comment above on responsibility, some people just can't help themselves, self awareness and reading the room seem rarer and rarer gifts these days. Hold on man.
 
To @Travis Henry:

@Chinmoku has described my sentiments exactly.

The most flagrant example of a physician's ineptitude was revealed when I read that a drug that a patient with testicular cancer was given dissolved nearly all of the cilia hair in his cochlea.

What would it be like as a result of this to have tinnitus so massively that even very loud external sounds could not be heard?

This was apparently regarded as an acceptable "side-effect", and an unavoidable part of the cancer treatment.

It is appalling how this condition is still so discounted by the Medical Community.
 
Like most people in life, I used to think the worst things in the world were prison, death, or paralyzation, or being brain-dead... on life-support. I didn't have the foresight or wisdom to imagine something worse, or didn't want to, at least. After all, society had taught me what to fear. And those teachings were fogged by ignorance. Severe noxacusis is extremely rare and that's why. And saying it's "rare" doesn't even truly capture just how rare it is. It's beyond rare, really. By comparison, the only thing I ever heard from society — the only thing that captured the horror and seismic chaos that can destroy one's world, and bring about the fear and sadness to reign that notion in — is teachings about the biblical hell, and the perpetual consequences that come with such damnation. That's the only thing that comes close to the terror of our predicaments. The fire is just replaced by sound. So I strive to be right with God and lean on my faith in Christianity, as my fears about the future hang in the balance. I'm afraid I won't be free from this nightmare until the day I die, which could be a long time away.
 
To @Travis Henry:

@Chinmoku has described my sentiments exactly.

The most flagrant example of a physician's ineptitude was revealed when I read that a drug that a patient with testicular cancer was given dissolved nearly all of the cilia hair in his cochlea.

What would it be like as a result of this to have tinnitus so massively that even very loud external sounds could not be heard?

This was apparently regarded as an acceptable "side-effect", and an unavoidable part of the cancer treatment.

It is appalling how this condition is still so discounted by the Medical Community.
Exactly. I would be in fair shape if there was even any protocol in place medically to protect people's ears. Like even the specialist I went to. "Oh the patient has got tinnitus and hyperacusis. Let's push him on long term benzos and antidepressants." Like the worst thing an ear doctor can do. Let's not tell the patient about hyberbaric oxygen treatment and do things to bring inflammation down in the short time window ya got. Let's make them feel mental because they have intrusive tinnitus instead of helping to heal naturally and learn natural coping tools.

I'm going to die eventually and I'm sorry but I can only take responsibility for my downfall here with tinnitus so much. Something needs to change. Sucks my death will change nothing and more people will fall into same trap of asking for help from medical professionals that just take what liveable life away they have with ignorance, and loved ones will push you to get worse with out of date wrong Google information.

Fuck an audiologist that tells you not to protect your ears except during loud events when you have hyperacusis. They should tell someone who has hyperacusis and loud tinnitus to protect everywhere and stay away from any drugs.

Ugh, rant over. Brain screaming. It's my fault for trusting modern medicine and not running to the woods away from the dumb "take the vaccine fukers," "take the benzos." I should have dealt with the sleepless nights. Hyperacusis would have gone away. Fuk my life.
 
Sleep is shit now and has been for over a month. My internal tremors, pounding, shaking etc. used to be fairly calm throughout the night for some reason, so if I woke up I could usually fall asleep again. Now it's worse during the night, so when I wake up after only a couple of hours sleep, I have huge struggle falling asleep again. I really don't know how much longer I can keep this up. My thoughts are SO dark. I am running on empty fuel. I scream and cry and feel huge anger and resentment towards people who don't have all these issues combined and there is nobody willing to help. I just want to sleep forever... My dreams aren't very positive at all, but they are a whole lot better than this piss poor excuse of an existence! I am so done, I am so f****** done!
 
I am also struggling to carry on these days with severe tinnitus and nights without sleep. Just wish the medical world could come up with something to reduce the severity.
 
Topamax is improving my hyperacusis but making my tinnitus worse. Just got a new tone today. Hearing loss is a side effect after all. Just no winning. Still can't decide what the right choice is. Again, my tinnitus has always been mild, but I do fear that eventually may change, especially if this med can affect that. But if this med is helping my brain, what to even do? Guess my hyperacusis is in my brain, my tinnitus probably in both my brain and ears.
 
True crime.

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Did some research and threw that together. :grumpy: Disgusting, ain't it?
 
Why disgusting? We need to be able to spread humanity to other worlds, we might as well start as soon as possible.
Why. What is the necessity of this? If you mean because this planet will die eventually or be inhabitable because of climate change then... we brought that upon ourselves. Why go to another planet... and f*** that one up too?

Our species are supposed to go extinct, like the dinosaurs who we followed, some or something is supposed to follow after us. Hopefully much more intelligent design that doesn't have all these idiotic faults, one could hope. Straight that one out Mother Earth (universe?). Back to the work shop...
 
Why. What is the necessity of this? If you mean because this planet will die eventually or be inhabitable because of climate change then... we brought that upon ourselves. Why go to another planet... and f*** that one up too?

Our species are supposed to go extinct, like the dinosaurs who we followed, some or something is supposed to follow after us. Hopefully much more intelligent design that doesn't have all these idiotic faults, one could hope. Straight that one out Mother Earth (universe?). Back to the work shop...
Not just climate change; a meteor could hit us, the sun will not last forever, volcanoes could erupt etc.

I like knowing we are working on the space exploration problem. Also sometimes it helps other science fields in ways we can't expect. Satellite technology for example is really useful.

I would like to end disposable vapes before we cut space exploration.

Also the next step in life is surely AI that we create? It's possible it could help us solve medical problems.
 
Why disgusting? We need to be able to spread humanity to other worlds, we might as well start as soon as possible.
I thought you were joking at first, but then I saw your response to @TheDanishGirl and realized you weren't. You must be okay in life — not in a debilitated state — or you wouldn't be thinking like this, unless you enjoy living the "dead" life. When people are severe, like many on this forum, the realm of the living emulates the dead, as life becomes cold, barren, and lifeless, really. You can't engage with earth anymore 'cause you're trapped inside your house. Some people on here can't be around people, even. They're living in closets 24/7 and wearing protection all the time. They're incompatible with the world.

I've always been a fan of the cosmos and its beauty, but unimaginable suffering caused me to rethink what's important in life. People and their well-being should come first. It's okay to stargaze and look for planets, but not at the expense of our own people. I agree with @Tweaker. We're chasing fantasies and neglecting a sacred responsibility — to care for our own and put them first. Once we fix that, we can look to the stars all we want. To be honest, the way we currently spend money is really reckless and immature, like kids who won't do homework. They spend their time goofing off and ignore what really matters.

Instead of spending 54 billion a year on stargazing, we should spend 2 billion. I'm not saying strip it completely. Give the other 52 to the people that need it, for crying out loud. All this suffering on earth exists for a reason and doesn't have to. And we're still in the Stone Age period of space exploration anyway, and 54 billion doesn't go a long way in expediting that. However, 52 billion does for matters of health. Medical breakthroughs happen all the time with that kind of money. For now, 2 billion would be sufficient enough to keep that snail crawling toward the Bronze Age of space exploration.

At best, we're hundreds of years away from interstellar travel. Even if it's fully realized, you and I won't be here to see it. Mars and the moon will see it first before we could ever dream of other planets. In fact, colonizing one in our solar system — with pressurized buildings and domes — is far more realistic than looking for another earth. Life isn't like the movies, unfortunately.

In cosmic terms, we haven't even been here that long. According to science, humans are still in their infancy. Dinosaurs are the reigning champs of time... the most successful species to ever populate this planet. They existed for 165 million years and humans have only been here 200,000. We have nothing on them, as far as time goes. If an asteroid gets us, too, in the next 100-300 years, it was inevitable anyway. We're a long time away from leaving earth and, personally, I don't think we ever will. You also have to consider the nature of the cosmos. I believe in God and not in chance, so earth wouldn't end accidentally, in my opinion.
 
I thought you were joking at first, but then I saw your response to @TheDanishGirl and realized you weren't. You must be okay in life — not in a debilitated state — or you wouldn't be thinking like this, unless you enjoy living the "dead" life.
I am struggling a lot and have lost the ability to do many things over the last few months. So maybe my old personality is still trying to shine through as I am still new to pain hyperacusis.

I just like space exploration, it has a noble goal. There are so many other wasteful things we do that we could stop first. Stop private jets, stop luxury hotels, stop wars etc.
 
I am struggling a lot and have lost the ability to do many things over the last few months. So maybe my old personality is still trying to shine through as I am still new to pain hyperacusis.

I just like space exploration, it has a noble goal. There are so many other wasteful things we do that we could stop first. Stop private jets, stop luxury hotels, stop wars etc.
I understand. Sorry to hear you're suffering. I love space, too. It's amazing, but we have enough photos of it to last a century. It's within our power to help the powerless... those who have no hope in sight. Their lives shouldn't be tossed aside so we can explore space; it should be the other way around. And cut that other stuff, too, that you mentioned. All that should come second and people first. It should anger a lot of disabled folks — and those who have one of those rare, untreatable disorders — that there is no initiative by the government to help them. It's immoral and criminal, the way money's managed.
 
Noxacusis, when chronic and severe, is no journey for mere mortals. It transcends the realms of body and being; blasphemes their very essence; then breaks their bygone souls. It mocks a life that's now extinct and all its former joys, which fell to vile curses. I despise its wrath with all my heart when I see the things I've lost. I see my brethren, my friends, and foes, and how their lives continue, but here I am in limbo... a face without a name. No longer am I "me." No longer am I mortal, for the shadow of my former self cries among the ashes, and lives within the fading smoke.

Remembered, I will be, for travesty and suffering. Remembered, I will be, for a curse that's not forgotten.

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I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Tinnitus since this past July.

I never was able to mask as it competes with fans and anything I try to mask it. 2 months constant daily spikes of loud screeching in my left ear accompanied by what sounds like a pit of electric snakes hissing. Then comes a low drone humming in my good ear that is reactive to sound. Best way to describe it is a fridge humming or car idling outside. I've been putting up with this several months. I cry daily. This shit isn't living. Only thing keeping me here is my beautiful kids and wife. If it wasn't for them, I would have already taken the easy way out.

I could understand if I started off with mild tinnitus and accumulated noise damage several years down the road but this shit escalated from one day to the next after syringing my ears to get earwax out. Since then everything is sensitive. I don't have pain hyperacusis, I have loudness hyperacusis. Pissing in the toilet sounds like someone scratching tin foil by my ear. My kid sneezing makes my ears clinch.

I sleep every day hoping I don't wake up.

This shit has taken so much from me. About to be homeless soon. Had to quit an amazing job because my ears would scream from office noise.

I wake up, I spike
I lay down, I spike
I eat something, I spike
I watch a movie, I spike
I listen to low music, I spike
I hear someone sneeze, I spike

I'm giving myself a year. If no improvement, I'm taking my elf out. This isn't living. This is hell.
 
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Tinnitus since this past July.

I never was able to mask as it competes with fans and anything I try to mask it. 2 months constant daily spikes of loud screeching in my left ear accompanied by what sounds like a pit of electric snakes hissing. Then comes a low drone humming in my good ear that is reactive to sound. Best way to describe it is a fridge humming or car idling outside. I've been putting up with this several months. I cry daily. This shit isn't living. Only thing keeping me here is my beautiful kids and wife. If it wasn't for them, I would have already taken the easy way out.

I could understand if I started off with mild tinnitus and accumulated noise damage several years down the road but this shit escalated from one day to the next after syringing my ears to get earwax out. Since then everything is sensitive. I don't have pain hyperacusis, I have loudness hyperacusis. Pissing in the toilet sounds like someone scratching tin foil by my ear. My kid sneezing makes my ears clinch.

I sleep every day hoping I don't wake up.

This shit has taken so much from me. About to be homeless soon. Had to quit an amazing job because my ears would scream from office noise.

I wake up, I spike
I lay down, I spike
I eat something, I spike
I watch a movie, I spike
I listen to low music, I spike
I hear someone sneeze, I spike

I'm giving myself a year. If no improvement, I'm taking my elf out. This isn't living. This is hell.
I know how difficult and limited your life is, I know exactly what you are going through. But it's not the end. I have/had catastrophic >60 dB multiple tones, reactive, permanently spiking from <40 dB (now it's only from significant noise events or artificial noise - avoid this like the plague) tinnitus and catastrophic hyperacusis that has thankfully improved to the point where I can talk again and I have 2-3 tones instead of 15-20. I used to spike permanently from chewing or drinking water, and I couldn't even listen to a q-tip drop on the floor.

I certainly don't go out very often anymore, but it's not the end of the world. I suffered thorough insanely horrendous permanent increases of tones and volume of tinnitus for over a year before I managed to find a quiet place to stay in for months and months and wait for improvement.

Your tinnitus hasn't been with you for very long at all. Give yourself time. Time is very important. I guarantee you will stabilize eventually and be able to lead a more or less adequate life. No concerts or loud places or course.

I can say that, at the moment, I really do enjoy life, even though I spike permanently from some noise that isn't even considered loud. Let your family know how important a quiet environment is for you and give yourself time. You will eventually start enjoying life again. Be strong and give yourself time. Cheers.
 
I know how difficult and limited your life is, I know exactly what you are going through. But it's not the end. I have/had catastrophic >60 dB multiple tones, reactive, permanently spiking from <40 dB (now it's only from significant noise events or artificial noise - avoid this like the plague) tinnitus and catastrophic hyperacusis that has thankfully improved to the point where I can talk again and I have 2-3 tones instead of 15-20. I used to spike permanently from chewing or drinking water, and I couldn't even listen to a q-tip drop on the floor.

I certainly don't go out very often anymore, but it's not the end of the world. I suffered thorough insanely horrendous permanent increases of tones and volume of tinnitus for over a year before I managed to find a quiet place to stay in for months and months and wait for improvement.

Your tinnitus hasn't been with you for very long at all. Give yourself time. Time is very important. I guarantee you will stabilize eventually and be able to lead a more or less adequate life. No concerts or loud places or course.

I can say that, at the moment, I really do enjoy life, even though I spike permanently from some noise that isn't even considered loud. Let your family know how important a quiet environment is for you and give yourself time. You will eventually start enjoying life again. Be strong and give yourself time. Cheers.
Thanks @AnthonyMcDonald for the response.

I'm trying the best I can. My wife is now annoyed with me and said last night if I'm gonna do it, just do it already. Everyone is tired of my shit. I almost jumped off my 3 story building a few minutes ago.

I'm gonna try holding off as long as I can. I'm fighting for my life at this point.
 
Thanks @AnthonyMcDonald for the response.

I'm trying the best I can. My wife is now annoyed with me and said last night if I'm gonna do it, just do it already. Everyone is tired of my shit. I almost jumped off my 3 story building a few minutes ago.

I'm gonna try holding off as long as I can. I'm fighting for my life at this point.
Many of us have spouses or relatives who don't understand, so you are definitely not alone in this. On the other hand, unless one experiences this horror in person, especially at severe/catastrophic levels, they will not even begin to imagine what we are feeling.

You have had this four months, it's still early days, habituation may kick in at 18 months or two years, and you might improve earlier. I know what living pushing through minutes or even seconds means, many of us here do, but we are the desperate cases, statistics says it's unlikely you will be one of us in two years, fingers crossed. Statistics is on your side. Also, please don't jump from the third floor. You could end up severely injured and with catastrophic tinnitus, it's not a good idea. I'm not telling you what to do, in this matter I'm pro-choice, but it's early days really, however horrible it sounds, it would be a pity to give up so early, and not by jumping from the third floor in any case. Hold on.
 
Thanks @AnthonyMcDonald for the response.

I'm trying the best I can. My wife is now annoyed with me and said last night if I'm gonna do it, just do it already. Everyone is tired of my shit. I almost jumped off my 3 story building a few minutes ago.

I'm gonna try holding off as long as I can. I'm fighting for my life at this point.
Stay away from all drugs too.

Ugh I feel you. Everyone is tired of my shit too it seems.

I'm worse than ever.
 
Many of us have spouses or relatives who don't understand, so you are definitely not alone in this. On the other hand, unless one experiences this horror in person, especially at severe/catastrophic levels, they will not even begin to imagine what we are feeling.

You have had this four months, it's still early days, habituation may kick in at 18 months or two years, and you might improve earlier. I know what living pushing through minutes or even seconds means, many of us here do, but we are the desperate cases, statistics says it's unlikely you will be one of us in two years, fingers crossed. Statistics is on your side. Also, please don't jump from the third floor. You could end up severely injured and with catastrophic tinnitus, it's not a good idea. I'm not telling you what to do, in this matter I'm pro-choice, but it's early days really, however horrible it sounds, it would be a pity to give up so early, and not by jumping from the third floor in any case. Hold on.
I appreciate y'all talking me off the ledge (literally).

Can't believe how much grief this noise has given me these past few months.

It's as if my ears have a data plan and everyday they are only allowed a few ounces of data until I exceed my bandwidth for the day, if that makes any sense at all. Then it resets the next day like a twilight zone loop. It's maddening.

My brother says he can get me a job overnight at a medical facility patrolling the lot. I feel a isolated job is the only thing I can do until I find a work from home gig.

Gonna keep fighting this unmaskable beast much as I can. I hope one day I can look back at this thread and share a success story instead of my name being added to the ones who just couldn't take it anymore.

And I agree sometimes family can't understand the anguish some of us suffer with tinnitus but I'm glad they don't, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Thanks again.
 
Stay away from all drugs too.

Ugh I feel you. Everyone is tired of my shit too it seems.

I'm worse than ever.
Not sure if that should be a blanket recommendation. THC, Mirtazapine, and Clonazepam have improved my quality of life greatly because of the way they have either reduced the volume of my tinnitus or reduced the anxiety it causes or helped me sleep in spite of the constant eeeeeeeeeeeee that initially kept me from sleeping for close to two months.

Everyone is different but "drugs" have helped me.
 

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