Suicidal

[gameover]

All I can try to do is to agonizingly hold on a little longer, how long I don't know.

@Chinmoku was last seen in February...

 

[Óscar PP]

Even with the Zopiclone and now Diazepam I'm getting sleep in hourly increments. I'm going to die from sleep deprivation before the cancer could ever have done me in. I'm getting desperate for a full night's sleep, I haven't had one in over a month. It's likely fueling the suicidal thoughts even more.

Have you tried Mirtazapine? It's an atypical antidepressant which is used to treat insomnia as well. You could even get rid of the Sertraline too, on top of the two benzos you're taking. Give Mirtazapine a try, it saved my life.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

@Chinmoku was last seen in February...

That has been precisely my concern, since he went from posting frequently to total silence.

 

[Jerad]

@Chinmoku was last seen in February...

That has been precisely my concern, since he went from posting frequently to total silence.

@Chinmoku is okay, I think. Some people I know have chatted with him recently.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Have you tried Mirtazapine? It's an atypical antidepressant which is used to treat insomnia as well. You could even get rid of the Sertraline too, on top of the two benzos you're taking. Give Mirtazapine a try, it saved my life.

Mirtazapine destroyed my life. I got chronic internal tremors, like all my nerves throughout my body are getting electrical shocked 24/7 (which makes sleeping very difficult) + A LOT of other side effects including weird shooting pains all over my body, messed up vision, severe shortness of breath etc. Soon I will probably also lose the ability to walk almost entirely. I recently acquired muscle spasms/pain/tightness too, and the amount of daily steps I can take, is lowering each week. I can't even work out to get my mind off my disastrous situation. I am crippled beyond belief for my age. And it's proven impossible for me to taper. The withdrawal even by lowering a tiny bit is pure HELL.

Be careful with this drug. Be VERY, VERY careful. My biggest regret in life is no longer subjecting myself to loud noise, that caused my tinnitus and hyperacusis. It's taking this poison. Like by far.

 

[Jerad]

This is why people have trouble coping with a disease that's exceedingly torturous. This image captures it beautifully. @Travis Henry shared it with me. No amount of mental gymnastics could help the dude in the picture. Well, the same is true for people like us — those facing torture without cessation, only continuance. They're in the same situation. That's why CBT isn't always effective. There are different levels of suffering in life, but this type isn't as common. So a lot of folks have trouble relating. Until they've seen it themselves, it's hard to fathom. But that is true hell right there: the seismic obliteration of life and all its splendor.

 

[Leon K Fox]

I'm not about to run off to the Success Stories section and proclaim victory as my sleep is still messed up to hell and back but Sertraline has really helped me to feel like myself again. I've had my third and final Cisplatin infusion so just got to hope that I can keep this up, waiting for the drug to fully circulate through my body.

The noise hasn't magically gone away but I can engage in conversations and just... life, I guess. I'm on the lowest dose and am hoping to keep it that way if I can.

Main point being I'm not actually suicidal right now but to all who read my repeated posts, despite likely feeling as bad or far worse than me, thank you for lending me an ear.

But like I said, not running off to Success Stories. I don't quite feel like I'm fully out of the woods but an improvement is an improvement.

 

[Óscar PP]

Mirtazapine destroyed my life. I got chronic internal tremors, like all my nerves throughout my body are getting electrical shocked 24/7 (which makes sleeping very difficult) + A LOT of other side effects including weird shooting pains all over my body, messed up vision, severe shortness of breath etc. Soon I will probably also lose the ability to walk almost entirely. I recently acquired muscle spasms/pain/tightness too, and the amount of daily steps I can take, is lowering each week. I can't even work out to get my mind off my disastrous situation. I am crippled beyond belief for my age. And it's proven impossible for me to taper. The withdrawal even by lowering a tiny bit is pure HELL.

Be careful with this drug. Be VERY, VERY careful. My biggest regret in life is no longer subjecting myself to loud noise, that caused my tinnitus and hyperacusis. It's taking this poison. Like by far.

Yes, I know it can destroy some people's lives, but hadn't it been for the Mirtazapine, I would've pulled the plug due to my back-then crippling insomnia, one which not even three different benzos at the same time could help.

People also have to gauge how "resistant" to drug side effects they are. I've never in my life gotten any bad side effect from any drug, including hardcore antibiotics, so in my case it was a no brainer to take the Mirtazapine. And I wish I'd done it before, because reading horror stories made me put it off for two months. Two months of suffering that could've been spared.

I'm really sorry for what it did to you and I'm in fact reducing the Mirtazapine (from 30 mg down to 3.75 mg currently) because of these horror stories I read online like yours, but some people can really benefit from it and they should know there exist this and other drugs to treat insomnia that are rarely prescribed (Lemborexant, Daridorexant, Trazodone...) due to the incompetence and lack of knowledge of most doctors.

 

[Leon K Fox]

Have you tried Mirtazapine? It's an atypical antidepressant which is used to treat insomnia as well. You could even get rid of the Sertraline too, on top of the two benzos you're taking. Give Mirtazapine a try, it saved my life.

I'm considering asking my GP about it next time I see them. Not decided yet though.

 

[BrianVL]

I'm new here, but I feel the same way. I'm supposed to be 30 in December but I realize every day that this may not happen...

I developed tinnitus for literally no reason at all in May 2021. After sinus surgery in May of 2022, it was finally gone! I can't tell you how happy I was, I'd never been happier in my life. By August, though, it was coming back worse than ever. It was only moderate before that, but since then it's been severe and it's only gotten worse from September onwards once it hit my left ear severely. I pass every hearing test though because it always goes away conveniently in time for it. I don't think I'll be passing the one tomorrow, though... ENTs are all clueless. I don't take any ototoxic medications, I never was exposed to loud noise, I always listen to music quiet.

The worst part is, I have C-PTSD and cannabis is the only medicine that works for me, and it makes my tinnitus significantly worse. It didn't cause it, but it makes it worse so I can only do it at bedtime instead of during the day when it can help make me not want to kill myself or have a dissociative episode. If it did somehow cause it I'm clueless as to how, THC is not ototoxic and I've used cannabis since 2011 and never had any issues with it until around last August.

Been going for acupuncture sessions based on success stories on here and I seem to be one of maybe 3 people on the entire internet who get severe abdominal pain afterwards even though my stomach is completely fine normally. Like, my GI health and diet are great. I had 3 treatments and read of someone around 65 having 10 year tinnitus go down days later. Maybe I'll be lucky and have it fix in a few days, but I doubt it.

It has to be something physical given my sinus surgery corrected it for months and I heard TRUE silence, not even the slightest ring in my ears. I think I had mild tinnitus for awhile before that but it never bothered me, always thought it was normal to hear a slight ring in a totally quiet room. But I literally could hear just pure silence and I'd cut off my feet to get that back, no joke. Says a lot for someone very physically active but prosthetics still work.

My eardrums don't move when air is pumped into them, which my GP thought for months was fluid so, when I found out there was no fluid, I was devastated. I'm supposed to see a neurologist next Monday for headaches I've suffered from for awhile (they're less common now but I'll just say they still happen) in order to get an MRI ordered, because this could be the only thing that finds something wrong in my ears. I suspect Eustachian tube dysfunction. I don't see why going for hard runs would reduce the noise for awhile or why long hot showers or Flonase if I get a mild spike after a shower would make it go down if there wasn't something physical to this.

 

[Leon K Fox]

I now have ear pain in my affected ear. It isn't responsive to sound, it just aches. I'm really hoping it's temporary and something that has to do with how recently I had a chemotherapy infusion.

God I am so glad I'm done with the Cisplatin, I truly am. If I had a cancer that required 6 to 8 cycles, I would truly be done for. Just crossing my fingers this subsides as I was/am making good progress.

 

[ECP]

View attachment 54999

This is why people have trouble coping with a disease that's exceedingly torturous. This image captures it beautifully. @Travis Henry shared it with me. No amount of mental gymnastics could help the dude in the picture. Well, the same is true for people like us — those facing torture without cessation, only continuance. They're in the same situation. That's why CBT isn't always effective. There are different levels of suffering in life, but this type isn't as common. So a lot of folks have trouble relating. Until they've seen it themselves, it's hard to fathom. But that is true hell right there: the seismic obliteration of life and all its splendor.

I really like the snake metaphor because it's so relatable. What blows my mind is that @DaveFromChicago also posted a very relatable metaphor that involves a snake, but the meaning of his metaphor is exactly the opposite of this one:

Buddhist fable about achieving habituation (will this help anyone?):

"An inquisitive python wanders into a carpenter's shop. The carpenter screams and dashes out, dropping a hand saw on the floor in his haste. The python, curious, slithers up to the saw. One of the saw's teeth snags onto the snake and cuts it. Alarmed, the python goes on the offensive and binds itself around the threat. The harder the snake squeezes, the more pain it feels, and so the tighter it tries to choke the saw, desperate to extinguish its enemy. In the end, the python dies from its wounds."

READ:
The python: the tinnitus sufferer
The saw: the misery of tinnitus
The self-defeating, overpowering, black rage at having tinnitus: the python's tightening around the saw.

I have some days when I feel like I'm the wounded snake that has the ability to get away from the saw that's hurting me, and I have other days when I feel like I'm the person being squeezed to death by the snake with no way to escape. It blows my mind that both of these snake metaphors are true... or are they??? How can any of us know the degree to which we are in control of our suffering and our own fate??? Maybe for some people, it's easier to know. For me, it's not.

Nine months into this horrible journey, I still think about killing myself. The only difference now is that I plan to wait a few years before I decide. The severity of my symptoms changes a lot from one day to the next, as does my outlook on life, so I may as well see what happens before I do anything drastic.

It's not an easy road to travel, but at least we have each other. The rest of the world hasn't got a clue as to what it's like to be in our situation.

 

[Leon K Fox]

I now have ear pain in my affected ear. It isn't responsive to sound, it just aches. I'm really hoping it's temporary and something that has to do with how recently I had a chemotherapy infusion.

God I am so glad I'm done with the Cisplatin, I truly am. If I had a cancer that required 6 to 8 cycles, I would truly be done for. Just crossing my fingers this subsides as I was/am making good progress.

Ear ache seems better today, if not totally better. Has me leaning towards the recent-ness (is that even a word?) of my chemotherapy. Paracetamol provided a small measure of relief last night.

Still afraid to count my chickens before the eggs hatch given the unpredictable nature of this condition but Sertraline still seems to be heavily aiding with the anxiety.

 

[Chandler]

I'm so tired of this situation now. I don't want to wake up in the morning.

 

[Tryn2BHopeful]

Have you tried Mirtazapine? It's an atypical antidepressant which is used to treat insomnia as well. You could even get rid of the Sertraline too, on top of the two benzos you're taking. Give Mirtazapine a try, it saved my life.

I am not too far into this, but Mirtazapine was prescribed to me mostly for sleep. I take a low dose of 7.5mg. Is my sleep perfect, not by a long shot, but I do get some sleep and maybe some of the mood effects as well. I can't say for sure if it has had any effect on the tinnitus, but at the very least I am mentally able to deal with it better.

 

[tiniturk]

I'm so tired of this situation now. I don't want to wake up in the morning.

I see you're from Istanbul. Please stay strong, brother. There HAS TO BE light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[kingsfan]

Here I am. Back in this thread after a pretty good run. Is this just part of the hellish cycle of tinnitus or is this past the limit at which I am capable of tolerating? All I know is, at this moment in time, I am back to being barely functional and I just can't picture finding my way out of this one unless my condition improves. All of this because of a flat tire...

 

[Chandler]

I see you're from Istanbul. Please stay strong, brother. There HAS TO BE light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope there is light...

 

[pleasejuststop]

I'm so tired of this situation now. I don't want to wake up in the morning.

Everyday I wake up I wish I could die.

 

[Chandler]

Everyday I wake up I wish I could die.

I thought the same thing again this morning.

 

[Jammer]

Everyday I wake up I wish I could die.

Death will come to us all. The torture of life often gets in the way, but death is guaranteed. I no longer wish for death; I'm too busy being tortured to give it much thought.

I've tried to end my life twice and it's a lot harder than it seems.

 

[JimmyStrong]

Everyday I wake up I wish I could die.

Sucks that we feel like this. If only this was a condition that would eventually pass, but unfortunately, it's lifetime.

 

[MadG]

Tinnitus is pure hell on earth.

 

[dipp]

I´m going to give myself another month. If I continue like this, I will try the antidepressant route. I haven´t tried them because I´m afraid of making things worse, but I´m at the end of the path and I have to do something. Then, if the antidepressant route doesn´t work, it´s game over for me.

I did so much work this year to habituate to horrible tinnitus and then I worsened again. It´s unbearable now. Now some of my tinnitus is reactive, I hear the hissing a lot more when I´m driving or with opened windows than in complete silence, I think that is because of the hearing loss on that ear. Very intrusive and making me not want to do anything. Watching a film is very tough thing now because of the intrusiveness. I´m so freaking done. All I can think is ways to end this. Fuck I have a lovely family and partner and I´m about to lose it all because of this crap. I want to cope for them because I can´t stand hurting them, but everything has a limit. If it wasn´t for them, I would have no interest in continuing fighting. Why does this have to happen to me.

 

[Stayinghopeful]

I´m going to give myself another month. If I continue like this, I will try the antidepressant route. I haven´t tried them because I´m afraid of making things worse, but I´m at the end of the path and I have to do something. Then, if the antidepressant route doesn´t work, it´s game over for me.

I did so much work this year to habituate to horrible tinnitus and then I worsened again. It´s unbearable now. Now some of my tinnitus is reactive, I hear the hissing a lot more when I´m driving or with opened windows than in complete silence, I think that is because of the hearing loss on that ear. Very intrusive and making me not want to do anything. Watching a film is very tough thing now because of the intrusiveness. I´m so freaking done. All I can think is ways to end this. Fuck I have a lovely family and partner and I´m about to lose it all because of this crap. I want to cope for them because I can´t stand hurting them, but everything has a limit. If it wasn´t for them, I would have no interest in continuing fighting. Why does this have to happen to me.

I'm very sorry to hear this brother. In regards to the antidepressant route, have you tried Ashwagandha? I take one 1000 mg tablet every morning and night and it's really helped with the anxiety and negative mood.

Might be worth considering before SSRIs.

 

[dan]

Yo shoutout to all my suicidniks, whatup my brothas an sistas?

 

[grate_biff]

Yo shoutout to all my suicidniks, whatup my brothas an sistas?

Only pain and suffering here.

Trying to get off benzo for the 4th time in 4 years.

Mirtazapine is not working for me anymore, even at 45-60 mg.

I have become tolerant to Oxycontin and Gabapentin. I refuse to updose.

Skin burning like crazy, violent painful cramps in neck, stomach and legs. Anxiety and depression off the charts. Runny eyes, nausea, long COVID-19, lungs burning, EXTREMELY upset intestines.

Tinnitus screaming and my masker burns a bleeding hole in my noxacusis brain.

100+ more...

 

[dan]

Only pain and suffering here.

Trying to get off benzo for the 4th time in 4 years.

Mirtazapine is not working for me anymore, even at 45-60 mg.

I have become tolerant to Oxycontin and Gabapentin. I refuse to updose.

Skin burning like crazy, violent painful cramps in neck, stomach and legs. Anxiety and depression off the charts. Runny eyes, nausea, long COVID-19, lungs burning, EXTREMELY upset intestines.

Tinnitus screaming and my masker burns a bleeding hole in my noxacusis brain.

100+ more...

I got mild long COVID-19. I had sore biceps for over a year - it hurt to pour a full kettle, but it subsided and also my eyes got very mild conjunctivitis but it's chronic now. Plus the severe tinnitus and moderate hyperacusis... I feel your pain.

 

[momus]

THC is not ototoxic

Actually, THC is very ototoxic and a known trigger for tinnitus, especially if used in large doses on a regular basis. It seems to really come on by itself at some point in a lot of people. The internet is chock full of people who have experienced this. I'm one of them. Lots of studies out there that show its effects.

It didn't bother my tinnitus at first, but then the tinnitus kept getting worse and worse until I finally got to the point where I am now.... avoiding weed or any of its byproducts like the plague. All of this appears to be cumulative. We seem to get to a certain level and bam, the tinnitus either arrives on its own, or it makes our existing tinnitus much worse. Like most medical issues, it affects some and not others, but it sure affects me! The good news is that my tinnitus returned to base very quickly after I stopped smoking weed or eating edibles.

 

[DP72]

I thought about suicide every day for 15 years. The reason I didn't do it was because logically it made no sense.

If I killed myself because of my severe tinnitus, I would not gain any moment of, "Wow, am I glad that's over."

Killing myself would not have given me any relief that I could actually experience, so it logically made no sense.