Pinhead
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  • We hope the Shore device will help us... what's on
    what do you say?
    Pinhead
    It might. I'm not very hopeful. We have no idea when it will arrive.
    What should I do in remembrance of myself on the three-year anniversary of my death? It's coming soon.
    4Grace
    Sorry for spamming your account. I'm so scared of dieing it's insane and I have past my ability to cope. Worsening is constant. Blasting screaming T. It's not a life.
    I miss being active so, so much. I just want to be back in the gym. I want to be outside.
    4Grace
    @Pinhead - I feel your story so much. I can't be around a fan but I go for bike rides. Walks, no protection. Just one for the wind. I'm an idiot. I feel like I just want to live and deal with the screaming T. I'm worsening at every turn. I keep pushing but feel like I'm hitting the gas on that one way street to that brick wall.
    4Grace
    I go through these roller coaster rides. Feel numb then once in a while I get an explosion of depression in my belly. I think I and disassociated with what going on in order to survive.
    Pinhead
    Don't be sorry @4Grace . We are suffering together. I feel like we're racing to a red light, too. It's hard. I try my best to be a bit hedonistic, at least, and live like I'm dying. That helps me.
    Bought my first bottle of bourbon whiskey today...at age 33. I turn 34 next week. I've never been one to drink.
    BrOKeN_1
    You may certainly get a bit of a spike. But a little whiskey can certainly take the edge off stress.
    None of my many emotional traumas prepared me for the physical trauma of this hell. There will be no recovery.
    Having a master's in philosophy may seem pointless to some, but there are moments now where what I've learned is all that gets me through.
    Pinhead
    I specialized mostly in phenomenology, existential philosophy (German and French) as well as postmodern, eg. Deleuze, Foucault, as well as contemporary stuff on technology and AI. I actually wrote a few papers on tech and social media. Most of my stuff dealt with Heidegger, but work dealing with him is a bit less popular now on account of the fact that, you know, he was a card-carrying Nazi.
    Pinhead
    But yes, Camus' work was by far the most pliable and impactful for actual living. I think most philosophers have a tendency to avoid the "mundane" aspects of human life. He didn't.
    Pinhead
    @ZFire fun fact: some of my profs knew Nozick well. Towards the end of his career he stopped defending his most famous book altogether because it had been so drastically misinterpreted.
    If someone asked you is tinnitus just a sound in the brain or is tinnitus the burning sensation and sound in the inner ear probably caused by inflammated auditory nerves. What would you choose?
    Pinhead
    Tinnitus specifically refers to the sound. That's its definition. It can be caused by various things, from damaged nerves to inflammation.
    Most of these treatments that seem to offer a 7-10 point THI improvement would be meaningless for me, stuck at a 95+ THI. I feel no hope.
    Tried to go with my girlfriend for coffee. What a joke. I sat across from her and couldn't hear her over the horror of noise in my brain.
    I was always a reader. I sat in silence and read. Walls of books in my bedroom. Every genre, but mostly literature and philosophy or sci-fi.
    crescentsky
    I miss going to the library, but now I don't think I'll be caught dead doing that.
    Pinhead
    @crescentsky Funny you'd mention libraries. A friend of mine asked me to meet him in one. I looked at him as soon as I arrived and said, "We need to leave. I can't be around the forced air system in here." I can't even stand air conditioners or heating systems.
    My birthday is this month, and my girlfriend bought me a PS5. I love her. The thing is, I'm not a huge gamer. I only use it as a distraction
    It seems now that the world is too much. I am no longer introspective. My other senses seem muted. I feel less inclined to speak.
    Jammer
    Agree. My wife misses our daily chats as I've become disabled by tinnitus.
    4Grace
    @Pinhead @Jammer - I am in the same place. My heart breaks for you guys. My family thinks it's mental health issues. I can't do the noise. I cannot figure this out. It just keeps getting louder.
    I don't even feel compelled to eat anymore. If someone didn't remind me to eat, I'd probably just waste away. I've lost 20 lbs. already.
    Going to see Dune tomorrow, but my friend didn't tell me the theater was IMAX. Now I'm not sure what to do. :(
    4Grace
    @Pinhead - wow. Your ears were okay after? Can't believe we can't even enjoy a movie.
    Pinhead
    @Kain I wonder what Vyke would do in our situation.
    Juliane
    OMG I could never even consider going to the cinema. That will never happen again in this life. Having lunch in the canteen at work spikes my T so much that I am getting anxiety attacks. The movies? Forget it
    The restaurant wasn't even that loud. This is just unbearable torture. I'll never live the life I want.
    4Grace
    So sorry. When it's loud and reactive this thing is a beast
    Tried to act normal today. Went to a restaurant with some friends. Could barely hear them speak over my ringing when we left. This is hell.
    4Grace
    If we could just be normal and deal with stable T
    I had one take place as I was standing in my boss's office today during a big meeting. I had to excuse myself before I had a panic attack.
    I average two temporary tapering tinnitus episodes a day. So that means twice a day I'm gripped in anxiety wondering if a new tone will stay
    I look back at my life and at the lives of others, and can't help but notice how powerful tinnitus' ability to trivialize other problems is.
    I see all of these stories about distortions and dysacusis going away. I guess that will never be me. My three year anniversary is March 21.
    Pinhead
    Yes, this is what I have @Kiyomi. @Barry098, that sounds closer to hyperacusis than distortions.
    Kiyomi
    @Pinhead Hmm ok.
    Are distortions and dysacusis the same?
    HearingHell
    @Kiyomi Yes, dysacusis is hearing distortion. Some people don't use the term dysacusis and prefer to just call them distortions, but they're the same thing.

    I have distortions too and they sound like they're coming directly from the sound source. But some people hear them in their head.
    I think I've finally reached the end. My life is over.
    streifzug
    Wish I could write something to cheer you up. I cried pretty much all day because my T has gotten so fucked, but what cheered me up later this evening was making suicide jokes with my sister. we laughed a lot. I had to laugh about this one guy who was in the news. He wanted to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, but that didn't kill him. it only cut off his legs. haha
    BB23
    Be grateful for your gf and hang in there a little longer.. till the treatments are out..
    Pinhead
    @BB23 You can go back many years on this forum and see people saying "just hold on" for treatments that never arrive, or for ones that overpromise.
    Just got over three days of food poisoning hell. Tinnitus much worse. Can't hold on much longer.
    Still here. Still kicking. Mostly housebound, except for work. Not doing well, but most people ignore me when I tell them that.
    Today's song is a visceral representation of the terror I live with. The Body - "To Carry the Seeds of Death Within Me"
    Tryn2BHopeful
    2 songs always come to mind for me.

    Falling in Reverse - "Voices in my head"
    Jelly Roll - "Need a favor"
    I feel like many of us here are running towards a wall. It's terrible to see. The world is so indifferent to our condition—so little hope.
    gameover
    Why oh, why I did not know about this site before? I tell people about T, because I wish someone told me about it. Most don't get it.
    4Grace
    The world is indifferent…. Yes …. That one hurts. I am sure that I make everyone feel more grateful about their lives.
    I've been asked to go on a work trip. It will be a 4-hour car ride. I don't think my ears can handle that. I might get fired.
    Jammer
    Ask for accommodation via the ADA. It may prevent you getting fired.
    Juliane
    Just say you can't go. I do that all the time.
    Juliane
    I told my employer I will not be able to travel for work again ever.
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