Kiyomi

Kiyomi

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  • Kiyomi
    I'm torn between giving up or trying to push through. I'm scared of both options. I don't know what I should do next.
    Kiyomi
    Cleaning my basement, finding all those childhood memories and relicts... I want to live and reach my dreams, but my ears get me everytime..
    Pinhead
    That's how it's been for a while for me. I was in a very important c-level meeting today, and just about said "Welp, I'm done" and stood up and walked out, because my left ear decided to SCREECH for no reason as the A/C kicked on in the conference room.
    Kiyomi
    Accepting that it's over for the most part definitely helps. I had a good thing going before all of this but now it does not matter anymore.
    View previous comments…
    Kiyomi
    It's time to forget about treatments and cures. Once the ears are fried in this way, they are done. Habituation is the way forward sadly. Watching stuff or playing games is the only thing that let's me forget about all this and I am grateful that I'm able to handle those.
    The moment I step out of my room my ears will be aussaulted left and right. Hearing pro hurts my ear canals so there goes that.
    Kiyomi
    Again I'm writing those depressive walls of text. Last week I was doing so great but now I feel so bad again. I just want a second chance, please I want my old life back god.
    gameover
    Yep, I pretty much accepted I am done. I am sad, I am angry still, but I am also resigned. I am doing what I can still, mostly earning money while I amazingly still can, but this will end.
    Kiyomi
    For people with custom earplugs: Which do you have, when do you use them and which filters do you have?
    Kiyomi
    I guess it is time for 24/7 hearing pro. Paper, metal, dishes, driving, all those things are awful, but with 10db earplugs, it's no problem.
    Kiyomi
    Anyone knows some good earmuffs? Something that doesn't look too much like peltors. 10db reduction is enough.
    Kiyomi
    Reactive T settled down quite a bit. But TTTS and ear fullness are getting worse. My ears just feel fried 90% of the day.
    Kiyomi
    Digital audio isn't a problem anymore. I can even listen to music on moderate volume. But everyday sounds like paper, metal on metal, dishes and so on make my ears feel exhausted.
    Kiyomi
    High pitched sounds like brakes or kids screaming aren't that bad tho.
    Kiyomi
    My T is seems to be super somatic. If I sleep on my stomach, I will wake up in silence/very low T. Maybe neck tension?
    View previous comments…
    HighleyTall
    Ever tried Osteopathy?
    Kiyomi
    @HighleyTall No but I might try it out soon. I'm just a little bit scared that it could make me worse. Do you have any resources or tips regarding osteopathy?
    HighleyTall
    Yes, always be carefull. I have no tips, never tried it either. I'm to scared too that it can make it worse. My GP said he had another T patient and he indeed came out worse...
    Kiyomi
    My T is getting more and more high pitched, my reactive T aswell, but the volume of the reactive T has gone down. From 3/10 to 1-1.5/10.
    Kiyomi
    On most days, my T will start silent or near silent and will rise in volume through any sound exposure. Silence/near silence -> hissing -> high pitched T. The T tones will also start to oscillate and sound more random. It's never a normal static sound...
    Kiyomi
    So yea, the reactivity is key. If it goes away, I would be so happy. I still have other issues. Ear fullness comes and goes randomly, TTTs has gotten better, H is better too.

    The only thing that really triggers my loudness H is paper rustling. It sounds like 200DB.
    Kiyomi
    I'm in such a dark place again. I'm empty. I feel like my old self already died 3 months ago. Everything is falling apart, one by one.
    View previous comments…
    Kiyomi
    Everyday either the countless restrictions my life has now or the symptoms themselves take me right back to that evening. No escape. It's over. Can't study like this so uni will be gone, no education, all for nothing.
    Only thing I can do is write on my profile page in this forum, crying and being alone in silence.
    Juliane
    @Kiyomi None of this is your fault. None of it. Allowing shit loud music to be blasted into people's ears, whatever the occassion, should be illegal and heavily punished. We have done nothing wrong, we are victims.
    TheCapybara
    @Kiyomi I know it's really difficult right now in these early months, and there isn't anything that can be said or done to make it better, but you're not alone in this. We're all here to support you through it until you start seeing improvement in the upcoming months.
    Kiyomi
    TTTS, aural fullness and reactive T makes it impossible to habituate. I can somehow deal with the normal T and H, but this is too much.
    Kiyomi
    Which type of custom earplugs do you use? Musician, work or freetime earplugs? I finally bought custom earplugs today.
    Kiyomi
    The reactiveness will end me. If it does not go away it will be my end. Three months of nothingness, feels like already being dead.
    Kiyomi
    What exactly is residual inhibition and are there scientific facts about it? How can I differentiate residual inhibition and healing?
    View previous comments…
    Marshall
    Where healing would come from an overall diminishing of T over long periods of time. And healing is non linear. I went from All bad days, to 2-3 bad days a month
    BB23
    If playing a masking sound like crickets stop your tinnitus, that's called residual inhibition .
    RunningMan
    Residual inhibition only lasts a short time for me. After I stop the beeping tones (they don't mask at all), tinnitus seems to return mostly to baseline in about 30 seconds. And as far as healing, it doesn't exist for me in over 20 years. Example video that causes short term residual inhibition for me: https://youtu.be/ZRvE1I2lq_Y?feature=shared
    Kiyomi
    My ears just feel destroyed. I don't mean T or the pain, they just feel fatigued and broken. When will this subside?
    Kiyomi
    It's over. I've accepted that my ears are ruined and I will never enjoy my life again. 22 years old and it's already the end.
    View previous comments…
    Kiyomi
    Doctors can't help, get angry or don't even care about the shit I have to say. Two months of waiting, I even asked if the tests they do are loud. "No" they said. Got fucked again. And in the end I did not even get a chance to talk to the doctor myself. No help, not even trying to understand me. Fuck all of them I'm done with this. And I'm done with the gaslighting audiologists too.
    Kiyomi
    Therapy will probably end the same, so why even wait 2000 years for a therapist only to get gaslighted again?
    I wish I had someone to talk to in person who understands this but I'm just alone.

    No cure, no repair, it's over.
    Pinhead
    @Kiyomi The field of audiology, especially the neurological side, seems filled with so many unknowns--and doctors who won't admit what they don't know. I'm just aghast at how many people are treated, including myself, and how tinnitus is treated as 'not harmful'. It's astounding, excruciating, and totally despair-inducing. I get it.
    Kiyomi
    I've read that noise damage can also exacerbate or cause other issues that themselves cause T. Is that true?
    Pinhead
    Absolutely. Four days ago I went to see a movie. Now my ears burn and ache, and I've never had hyperacusis. It seems only to worsen.
    Kiyomi
    @Pinhead No I meant that the initial noise damage causes or exacerbates other things. For example TMJ or ETD etc.
    I read about it somewhere on the forum but I can't find it.
    Kiyomi
    Reason being is that my T also depends on my posture (I think).
    I still don't completely know what spikes my T and why I get random moments of silence.

    After some testing I can conclude that the T does not care about what I drink or eat.
    Kiyomi
    My T baseline is silence now, sometimes with very quiet hissing. Some sound activity makes it louder but the volume caps at about 2/10.
    View previous comments…
    Kiyomi
    Artificial audio seems okish now. Speaker quality seems to make a difference. If the speakers are bad, distance can make it ok: I can watch TV for some hours depending on the volume.
    Music sounds ok again. Sometimes reactive T kicks in tho.
    Kiyomi
    I will get some passive speakers for my PC and try to get rid of the fan noise and coil whine.
    Kiyomi
    So all in all it looks pretty good. If I'm in a controlled environment I can do many things, some at moderate volume.
    But if I'm outside it's not easy, so I have hearing protection at hand. There are still many things that fatigue my ears or give me slight pain. So I don't try to push it if those things happen. Outside world is LOUD.
    Kiyomi
    Enjoying my first coffee since onset. Each day I try to get 0.2% back to normal. Many things are still off limits and it's not easy but hey.
    Kiyomi
    Gonna try to sleep with earplugs tonight. I think this will work in bringing down the volume.
    Kiyomi
    Sleeping with earplugs seems to be the key for me. All tones are basically silent when waking up, except for the 1khz tone and some inconsistent angle grinder/synapses dying sounds.
    Kiyomi
    So basically all of my tones seem to be reactive. So maybe snoring makes the T louder, but if that is the case, earplugs would not work because of the occlussion effect?
    Kiyomi
    I also get hissing sounds, sometimes. T goes from normal high pitch, to hissing and sometimes to silence. When waking up, it was the opposite today.
    Kiyomi
    Who also has sensibility to quiet sounds like coil whine, fans and fridges? Did it go away and does it come back after a setback?
    Kiyomi
    Can't listen to any digital audio so I can't study for my exams. 2.5 years of effort and money gone. Reactive T killed everything.
    View previous comments…
    Barry098
    Reactivity is my enemy as well. I don't mind wearing earplugs and letting my T dominate the sound field. It's the T competing with external sounds (ear plugs removed) that makes me queasy.
    Kiyomi
    @Barry098 My reactive T is also present when wearing earplugs. It will start at 1/10 and goes up to 3/10 + getting higher in pitch. But it goes down really quick. I'm not sure if it's a good thing to just push through the reactive T?
    kingsfan
    Have you experimented to see if it's only certain frequencies that cause the reactiveness? I wonder if you start cutting frequencies with an EQ if maybe you'd be able to listen audio.
    Kiyomi
    Does someone else get fleeting tinnitus that rises in pitch while it's there?
    D
    When I get a low-ish pitch (~500 Hz) one, it sometimes does a pitch fall or a slight up and down movement.
    Marshall
    Every single time lol and sometimes it doesn't disappear until the next day lol
    Kiyomi
    Being in a quiet room long enough gives me 1-2 minutes of silence sometimes. Actually "silence" being my ~1khz tone.
    Kiyomi
    And then the oscillating tone starts again in the left ear, together with a high pitch tone, some angle grinder and broken synapses sounds.
    Kiyomi
    Crazy how many tones there already are but they aren't really bothering me. It's the reactive T that makes it difficult.
    Tryn2BHopeful
    Reactive T sucks. Mine was alot worse the first few months than it is now... however fans, whitenoise, road noise, crowd noise still bothers me.
    Kiyomi
    Going to an audiologist today. I don't expect much but my family wants that I go. Maybe some miracle happens.
    View previous comments…
    Kiyomi
    The audiologist said my hearing is fine, my inner hair cells are ok and it's anxiety? But why does my right ear make a 100db clipping sound (which I physicaly feel) each time I hear a loud noise if it's all in my head :(
    Tryn2BHopeful
    My personal opinion... Anxiety CAN cause a great number of physical symptoms... Its also a catch all for anything they cannot explain.
    Kiyomi
    @Tryn2BHopeful I mean I definitely had thoughts about the noise incident until the symptoms started 2 days later. But I don't think it's anxiety, my ears feel destroyed. Therapy would be great for moving on somehow but I'm not ready for constant gaslighting while suffering.
    streifzug
    I'm sorry you are in this place. :( How long have you had it for? Maybe it can still heal some!
    View previous comments…
    Kiyomi
    They will be gone and I will be left with no one. I'm already pretty much alone except for my family. I'm in constant stress 24/7, sweating, high blood pressure, jitters. I can't stay calm for more than 10 minutes. I'm not strong enough to endure something like this for months and I fear doing something irrational.
    Kiyomi
    Every night I dream about the things I lost and wake up. Panic attacks follow. For the first weeks I was able to sleep but now it's difficult. How am I supposed to start from 0 if everything I own reminds me of the past :(
    4Grace
    @streifzug the choice to take drugs to cope is a hard one. Pressure every day from family. I would love to take benzos but I know with my particular tinnitus they will make me worse. What a place to be in life. Freedom gone!
    Kiyomi
    Wow. 20 minutes of loud stuff and my entire (yet to begin) life is destroyed. Everything that gave me joy ceased to exist. It's over.
    BB23
    Welcome to the club you didn't ask to be a part of...
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