Suicidal

[Kriszti]

I'm having a very bad day after having a very bad night. Lately I've been sleeping much better, but tonight I went to bad with an awful headache, got woken up an hour later by my dog barking really loudly (she's outside of the house), took a painkiller, but the ringing and the headache are still awful. Every time I get a bit better, it's always getting worse. I just can't shake off the feeling that my life is stolen by tinnitus. I'm never gonna be a productive member of society, can't enjoy anything, never gonna have a family. I have a lingering feeling that eventually I won't make it, and will have to kill myself. It's just a matter of time. And every time I try to talk about this to my family, they just say, that the problem is that I don't have faith and I just don't want to get better enough. My father has chronic, awful pain from a car accident 30 years ago, has a number of health conditions, and dealing with it, he's successful and all, and I'm weak not being able to cope with my moderate tinnitus. (My words, not theirs. They are supportive, just don't understand this, even though my mom has very mild tinnitus.) I'm just so ashamed of myself. Can't even cry because that exacerbates the fucking ringing.

 

[grate_biff]

Thanks friend.
You have support here. Empathy and love too.
I know it's hell and you've been fighting tinnitus, hyperacusis and meds.
Reach out to @Star64, me, or all of us here.
You are super important to this community and we support you 100 percent.

Question?
Is that a picture of you and your dad, or you and your son?
I find it a very moving photo, it touches my heart every time I see it.

Lol. It´s me as a kid. I guess 1978-79. The man behind me was working at my grandfather's farm and was nice enough to let me steer the tractor. Nice to be reminded life once was care free and beautiful.

 

[Harley]

I'm having a very bad day after having a very bad night. Lately I've been sleeping much better, but tonight I went to bad with an awful headache, got woken up an hour later by my dog barking really loudly (she's outside of the house), took a painkiller, but the ringing and the headache are still awful. Every time I get a bit better, it's always getting worse. I just can't shake off the feeling that my life is stolen by tinnitus. I'm never gonna be a productive member of society, can't enjoy anything, never gonna have a family. I have a lingering feeling that eventually I won't make it, and will have to kill myself. It's just a matter of time. And every time I try to talk about this to my family, they just say, that the problem is that I don't have faith and I just don't want to get better enough. My father has chronic, awful pain from a car accident 30 years ago, has a number of health conditions, and dealing with it, he's successful and all, and I'm weak not being able to cope with my moderate tinnitus. (My words, not theirs. They are supportive, just don't understand this, even though my mom has very mild tinnitus.) I'm just so ashamed of myself. Can't even cry because that exacerbates the fucking ringing.

Your feeling of distress is as real as it gets.
Don't let anyone tell you how you should or should not be feeling.
Do not slip into the whole "I must be weak since I can't handle my tinnitus" type of a mindset.

You cannot control what you are feeling due to your individually unique body chemistry, DNA makeup, personality...etc.
It is the level of distress that matters most.
If you could transfer your level of distress into your parents heads, they would be absolutely horrified.
Again, this has nothing to do with being "weak".

That is just a myth propagated by those, whom either want to feel better about themselves or those whom just don't understand how this works.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you (aside from the fact that you are suffering from one of the worst conditions in existence)
Don't be hard on yourself.

 

[just1morething]

aside from the fact that you are suffering from one of the worst conditions in existence

It's the worst thing I've ever dealt with. I hate waking up to this damn noise every day. I thought people just got hard of hearing, not noises in their head.

 

[just1morething]

I seem better now after taking pills and using hearing aids. I have Audicus Clara online model. Waking up is brutal though. I didn't take my blood pressure pills either today. Not sure if that makes any difference.

 

[acute]

It's so fucking loud. Stupid thing. Stop. I wanna off myself so bad, as soon as I can.

This fucking disease is torture.

 

[Capstan]

It's so fucking loud. Stupid thing. Stop. I wanna off myself so bad, as soon as I can.

This fucking disease is torture.

I had such a good life until this shit stole it. I now sit on the suicidal thread and forums. This is such an unfair and horrific ending.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

I have a lot of unpleasant loud noises in my ears/head. I recently found out I have a grade 5 internal derangement in my left TMJ.

+
I like the article that you posted on TMJ/D. Not drinking enough water can associate to all that's mentions, including ear pain as well as to non TMJ issues. Blood can be thick without enough - safe level of water. Thick blood can associate to emotional state, hypertension, pulse, increase postural problems, increase infection, cause headaches and so much more. Not drinking enough water is not the number one association to tinnitus, something gone wrong is, but not enough water makes it easier for many things to go wrong or become worse.

 

[Bobby Sinatra]

This thread full of suffering kills me. Proof life has no meaning.

 

[Capstan]

I wish I could get to Basel.

 

[Kriszti]

Thank you so much, @Harley.

Today is better. I know, I'm fortunate that I'm having better days. This just feels so overwhelming. Last 6 months has been the worst period of my life.

 

[Daniel Lion]

It's so fucking loud. Stupid thing. Stop. I wanna off myself so bad, as soon as I can.

This fucking disease is torture.

It is torture. It's freaking relentless and loud.
It's torn me apart.

 

[RishRamsey]

I wish I could get to Basel.

Why?

 

[Chinmoku]

Why?

Pegasos I guess

 

[Capstan]

Why?

Pegasos I guess

Correct, Pegasos. I can't do the noise and pain anymore but travel lockdown makes it impossible. I'd prefer a dignified exit.

 

[RishRamsey]

Correct, Pegasos. I can't do the noise and pain anymore but travel lockdown makes it impossible. I'd prefer a dignified exit.

Got it.

Do they consider hyperacusis as a legit reason to exit? And that for a young person, in their twenties?

 

[Capstan]

Got it.

Do they consider hyperacusis as a legit reason to exit? And that for a young person, in their twenties?

There are two people in this thread that inquired about tinnitus and Pegasos was considerate to it. They say 18+ of sound mental state, but I've read they do turn people down if the condition could be better dealt with counseling. Hyperacusis with pain is hard and would think meets a basis for a compassionate case. It seems to me they make quality of life decision.

 

[RishRamsey]

There are two people in this thread that inquired about tinnitus and Pegasos was considerate to it. They say 18+ of sound mental state, but I've read they do turn people down if the condition could be better dealt with counseling. Hyperacusis with pain is hard and would think meets a basis for a compassionate case. It seems to me they make quality of life decision.

Gotcha!

I read some FAQ's on their website. They say it's better to have your own doctor collate your case properly and make a decision, because of massive costs involved with docs in their country.

Now my docs are completely asympathetic and would never make a good case for me, saying hyperacusis is nothing, use sound therapy and bullshit.

And since it's Europe and I am from a shitty country in Asia, the conversion rates would be pretty high to consult a doc there and that too doesn't ensure their doc would give me a green light after taking all my money.

Sad

 

[Capstan]

Gotcha!

I read some FAQ's on their website. They say it's better to have your own doctor collate your case properly and make a decision, because of massive costs involved with docs in their country.

Now my docs are completely asympathetic and would never make a good case for me, saying hyperacusis is nothing, use sound therapy and bullshit.

And since it's Europe and I am from a shitty country in Asia, the conversion rates would be pretty high to consult a doc there and that too doesn't ensure their doc would give me a green light after taking all my money.

Sad

I agree. In the US a doctor would never help collate a VAD case. I've not inquired yet, but its difficult to know how Pegasos will handle the application. There's no way a Dr. could quantify the severity / quality of life with severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. Like you, my Dr. was asympathetic too. He basically told me to just wear muffs to deal with my Hyperacusis. It's been pretty shitty. I think my wife sees severity and is beginning to understand why I'm thinking this way.

 

[grate_biff]

To all of us who are suicidal because of noxacusis (pain hyperacusis)...

Why are opioids not more of a topic, like Oxycontin?

I very much would like to try it, I´m going to try it for the pain.

Anyone tried it? Did it ease the pain?

 

[Laurie1961]

While the thought is understandable, there's gotta be a better way. My tinnitus has been since the shut down, elevated, screaching, pressure in my head and spine, static shocks and more... making me feel so sick, not even hungry. It's hard to imagine having any fight left if I were to catch the virus. I'm going to give things one more go - and see about bone conduction headphones that many claim help. You should, too.

 

[Orions Pain]

Someone edit the suicidal thread of Tinnitus Talk onto the monitor:

 

[Orions Pain]

To all of us who are suicidal because of noxacusis (pain hyperacusis)...

Why are opioids not more of a topic, like Oxycontin?

I very much would like to try it, I´m going to try it for the pain.

Anyone tried it? Did it ease the pain?

I'm part of a lot of trigeminal neuralgia support groups on Facebook and many people actually mention ear pain, stabbing, axe-like, some even in relation to sound

Seems like drugs that are often prescribed to trigeminal neuralgia sufferers would be more effective, such as Gabapentin, etc.

Not sure if opioids are used for nerve pain.

 

[just1morething]

Four hundred trillion is 400 million millions, which is 2* the probability that Two (and not 100,000) people independently selecting the winning numbers in a Lotto 6/49 game.

The probability that one coin lands on its edge is supposedly 1/6000, which means that the probability that three coins land on their edge is 1/2,160,000,000 (1 in over 2 trillion).

Thus the probability of flipping 30,000 coins and getting them all to stay on their edge is significantly lower than 1 in 400 trillion.

What are the odds you landed on this forum? Must be about 1 in 7 billion or so?

 

[RishRamsey]

I agree. In the US a doctor would never help collate a VAD case. I've not inquired yet, but its difficult to know how Pegasos will handle the application. There's no way a Dr. could quantify the severity / quality of life with severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. Like you, my Dr. was asympathetic too. He basically told me to just wear muffs to deal with my Hyperacusis. It's been pretty shitty. I think my wife sees severity and is beginning to understand why I'm thinking this way.

I feel sorry for your wife, as I feel sorry for my mother. The pain today is too much. Literally everything hurts.

Anyway, do you think there's an afterlife?

 

[RishRamsey]

To all of us who are suicidal because of noxacusis (pain hyperacusis)...

Why are opioids not more of a topic, like Oxycontin?

I very much would like to try it, I´m going to try it for the pain.

Anyone tried it? Did it ease the pain?

I guess because my docs would not prescribe me anything other than Amitriptyline and Gabapentin.

 

[Capstan]

I feel sorry for your wife, as I feel sorry for my mother. The pain today is too much. Literally everything hurts.

Anyway, do you think there's an afterlife?

It's a really good question. One that I was discussing yesterday. I would say I am more a believer than not. I couldn't say I don't have doubts. But when considering an exit both possibilities scare the hell out of me. To have tinnitus / hyperacusis waste this one shot at life is really scary. If there is life after, what happens to us? If there's not, is it just nite nite? Really really scary. I am facing the question every day as my condition is worsening. I pray there is afterlife and that God would provide forgiveness. I really wish I did things differently so this never happened, but there are no redos in life.

Do you believe in an Afterlife?

 

[RishRamsey]

It's a really good question. One that I was discussing yesterday. I would say I am more a believer than not. I couldn't say I don't have doubts. But when considering an exit both possibilities scare the hell out of me. To have tinnitus / hyperacusis waste this one shot at life is really scary. If there is life after, what happens to us? If there's not, is it just nite nite? Really really scary. I am facing the question every day as my condition is worsening. I pray there is afterlife and that God would provide forgiveness. I really wish I did things differently so this never happened, but there are no redos in life.

Do you believe in an Afterlife?

I do and I don't. Don't really know.

Like I am afraid of what's next. Hope that my condition stabilises, and my mother are the only things keeping me here.

Like I think that I am meant to suffer in this life. If I suicide, then I might be tricking the suffering into ending early. So the universe would say since it wasn't supposed to happen, and I was supposed to suffer, but I took the easy way out, I would again be born, with all these problems and many more and my suffering would continue. Then I'll again CTB, and the cycle of suffering and suicide continues. That and hell scare the shit out of me.

I'd be happy with nothingness, but would really like another life, a normal life, like my friends have, without all these problems. Maybe god will understand why I decided to kill myself, and be merciful.

 

[PeteJ]

To all of us who are suicidal because of noxacusis (pain hyperacusis)...

Why are opioids not more of a topic, like Oxycontin?

I very much would like to try it, I´m going to try it for the pain.

Anyone tried it? Did it ease the pain?

I can't get opioids for pain - I have severe ear pain and I think that's related. Yet, my doctor would rather I suffer in pain. I don't give a shit about addiction - which is what they're worried about (I assume). When suicide is what is mainly considered, I think addiction should be the last thing they should worry about.

 

[PeteJ]

I'm part of a lot of trigeminal neuralgia support groups on Facebook and many people actually mention ear pain, stabbing, axe-like, some even in relation to sound

Seems like drugs that are often prescribed to trigeminal neuralgia sufferers would be more effective, such as Gabapentin, etc.

Not sure if opioids are used for nerve pain.

I had carpal tunnel or tendinitis years ago. I am not 100% which but my pain in my right wrist was so bad I couldn't use a computer for very long (using a mouse was even difficult). I used someone else's Percocet prescription (I was given a few pills to use sometimes when the pain was excruciating). It was a relief and really helped until it wore off.

I stopped doing the job that caused or contributed to the pain. I think there is damage as I feel pain there occasionally but it rarely happens. I guess that might indicate carpel tunnel rather than tendonitis. If so, that would be nerve pain/damage?