Suicidal

[danielthor]

Your perspective is that of a person whose had it easy their whole life, who has suddenly been hit with something difficult. So you've come up with all of these rationale to come to terms with your condition. I've been through hardships from the day I remember. Had an abusive father and grew up relatively poor. Moved houses several times before having a stable home when I was 10. My abusive father beat us regularly for the dumbest things. It was horrible. I'd go to school thinking my father killed my mother when I'd come home. I then developed depression and anxiety which started around 14 which caused me to drop out of college a few years later and ruin my dreams. I was depressed and hopeless for years.

Even after all that, I'd go through through it 1000x over what tinnitus has done to me and my life over the last 3 years.

So to hell with your dismissive attitude. This is a real and terrible disease. After a certain threshold, the power of the mind isn't enough. Could you live with a sharp needle pain every second of everyday? Sure. Could you live with a stabbing with a knife pain every second of everyday? Good luck.

No, actually I've been tortured most of my life to the point where I wonder if I was cursed. I'm also right now in the grips of a deteriorating brain-disease. I've had your mindset and it hasn't served me and I'm sick of suffering. It's either a change in perspective for me or suicide.

 

[jasonbourne]

No, actually I've been tortured most of my life to the point where I wonder if I was cursed. I'm also right now in the grips of a deteriorating brain-disease. I've had your mindset and it hasn't served me and I'm sick of suffering. It's either a change in perspective for me or suicide.

It's funny everytime I mention suffering on the internet someone always one ups me. Out of respect I'd take your word for it though.

You talk about accepting reality, but it seems like you're the one trying to delude themselves, not us. You're the one denying your reality. Whatever helps you cope, but don't expect others to create a fantasy world where suicide is not an option, or where lies and wishful thinking can keep us going. Not everyone is capable of this.

 

[danielthor]

It's funny everytime I mention suffering on the internet someone always one ups me. Out of respect I'd take your word for it though.

You talk about accepting reality, but it seems like you're the one trying to delude themselves, not us. You're the one denying your reality. Whatever helps you cope, but don't expect others to create a fantasy world where suicide is not an option, or where lies can keep us going.

This isn't a competition. You practically accused me of being new to suffering and I defended myself.

I wouldn't call this denying my reality. This is actually my way of welcoming it by looking at it clearly and seeing it for what it is. I'm not here to talk you out of suicide. This was a reply to Stacken, saying there were no tools to live with debilitating disease.

 

[TracyJS]

This is a suicide thread. No one has to come here if they don't want to. If you come here, you are choosing to do so.

Please do not come to this thread and criticize its existence or the people here who courageously share the depth of their pain.

Please don't come here and tell others how they should feel or what their experience of their own suffering should be.

There are many other threads one can go to if one is looking for positivity.

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it gets one through many a dark night."
-Nietzsche

Let us get through our dark night.

 

[tpj]

A guy with perfect health who's had a great life his whole life who's hair is starting to thin will also wake up feeling like shit half his mornings.

That is the way we've been conditioned. If only someone had told us from the very start of our lives that life was going to be difficult, that difficulty was an essential part of life and of living, we wouldn't be so opposed to the difficulties once they come. We would simply take it as a part of the experience of life. We have this predetermined notion of life being great all the time, and so once we're finally confronted with the cold hard facts that it isn't we immediately oppose it. That is what makes living with tinnitus so difficult. "This shouldn't be happening", "I'm not supposed to be here". "This is wrong". That in my view, is living outside of reality.

I get what you're saying though. I just want to bring a new perspective into this.

If it was possible to have a choice and I knew how difficult life would be, I would rather have never been born.

 

[Brian P]

I got tinnitus at suicide levels from the Pfizer vaccine. Now it's at double suicide levels from tapering off benzodiazepines. I only was on it a month and a half before tapering off.

Does the benzo tinnitus ever go away? I can't do this much longer. I've been hospitalized once for a suicide attempt. The 2nd attempt almost worked. I am scared of being left maimed or crippled and not dead. But alas I can't live like this.

 

[Marcuso22]

I got tinnitus at suicide levels from the Pfizer vaccine. Now it's at double suicide levels from tapering off benzodiazepines. I only was on it a month and a half before tapering off.

Does the benzo tinnitus ever go away? I can't do this much longer. I've been hospitalized once for a suicide attempt. The 2nd attempt almost worked. I am scared of being left maimed or crippled and not dead. But alas I can't live like this.

All I can say is that most people have successfully gone on benzos for tinnitus & then have tapered off; preferably with the close supervision of a doctor or being aware to do it in small stages & sometimes by taking another medication in its place before tapering off them. Most people's tinnitus also goes back to baseline usually after a week of having the COVID-19 vaccine. Sometimes an anti-inflammatory drug may help in the short term as well.

 

[Gee82]

I got tinnitus at suicide levels from the Pfizer vaccine. Now it's at double suicide levels from tapering off benzodiazepines. I only was on it a month and a half before tapering off.

Does the benzo tinnitus ever go away? I can't do this much longer. I've been hospitalized once for a suicide attempt. The 2nd attempt almost worked. I am scared of being left maimed or crippled and not dead. But alas I can't live like this.

Benzos can be a bitch to get off from.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If not, I would recommend you find a good one that can advise on how to taper properly to minimize the withdrawal effects. He might temporarily switch you to an AD while tapering the benzo.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

If it was possible to have a choice and I knew how difficult life would be, I would rather have never been born.

I could not have said it any better.

That is one of the reasons that I am very glad that I never had children.

I would not want to bring any new life into the World where there even existed such an unbelievably appalling condition as this.

After having read all of the smug, self-serving encomiums from the Habituationists, I have reached the carefully considered conclusion that Habituation, when reduced to it's essentials, is no more than twisting your Consciousness into becoming Tinnitus's Full Fledged Bitch (which is also another definition of "Tinnitus Management").

There seems to be some principle involved in maintaining one's self-respect by not capitulating into this state of abject subservience (and as far as I am concerned, that is the case no matter what the consequences may be.)

Sorry, but I cannot shake loose the suspicion that Habituation advice still feels like the flimsiest self-imposed con job that will collapse like the proverbial House of Cards, especially when a spike occurs.

And, what the f**k did Michael Leigh mean when he wrote that, since 19 out of 20 ailments are not curable but treatable this gave him all the impetus he needed to fully habituate?

My migraines are not curable but the pain completely disappears when I take the drug Maxalt. Did it ever occur to him that this is precisely why even the most severe migraines are absolutely not within the same category as tinnitus?

That is my problem with accepting Habituation; so many of it's endorsements are riddled with commentary that is just common-sense, plain wrong.

All this nonsense about "how much tinnitus was a journey that taught me so much about myself" only makes me reflect about how by having this I am fully flush up against the tragic, inescapable horror of Life.

 

[Brian P]

Benzos can be a bitch to get off from.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If not, I would recommend you find a good one that can advise on how to taper properly to minimize the withdrawal effects. He might temporarily switch you to an AD while tapering the benzo.

I did it under supervision. It took me 9 weeks to taper off with a crossover to Valium from Klonopin. I got the vaccine in February and it's still horrific.

 

[Damocles]

I could not have said it any better.

That is one of the reasons that I am very glad that I never had children.

I would not want to bring any new life into the World where there even existed such an unbelievably appalling condition as this.

After having read all of the smug, self-serving encomiums from the Habituationists, I have reached the carefully considered conclusion that Habituation, when reduced to it's essentials, is no more than twisting your Consciousness into becoming Tinnitus's Full Fledged Bitch (which is also another definition of "Tinnitus Management").

There seems to be some principle involved in maintaining one's self-respect by not capitulating into this state of abject subservience (and as far as I am concerned, that is the case no matter what the consequences may be.)

Sorry, but I cannot shake loose the suspicion that Habituation advice still feels like the flimsiest self-imposed con job that will collapse like the proverbial House of Cards, especially when a spike occurs.

And, what the f**k did Michael Leigh mean when he wrote that, since 19 out of 20 ailments are not curable but treatable this gave him all the impetus he needed to fully habituate?

My migraines are not curable but the pain completely disappears when I take the drug Maxalt. Did it ever occur to him that this is precisely why even the most severe migraines are absolutely not within the same category as tinnitus?

That is my problem with accepting Habituation; so many of it's endorsements are riddled with commentary that is just common-sense, plain wrong.

All this nonsense about "how much tinnitus was a journey that taught me so much about myself" only makes me reflect about how by having this I am fully flush up against the tragic, inescapable horror of Life.

Epic post.

 

[dan]

Tinnitus's Full Fledged Bitch

Nailed it right there...

 

[PeteJ]

If it was possible to have a choice and I knew how difficult life would be, I would rather have never been born.

Would people here still be as suicidal if their tinnitus could be "cured" or turned to a "mild" condition?

I don't understand many people here who seem more preoccupied with other situations but have hardly any comments on that.

 

[Luman]

I could not have said it any better.

That is one of the reasons that I am very glad that I never had children.

I would not want to bring any new life into the World where there even existed such an unbelievably appalling condition as this.

After having read all of the smug, self-serving encomiums from the Habituationists, I have reached the carefully considered conclusion that Habituation, when reduced to it's essentials, is no more than twisting your Consciousness into becoming Tinnitus's Full Fledged Bitch (which is also another definition of "Tinnitus Management").

There seems to be some principle involved in maintaining one's self-respect by not capitulating into this state of abject subservience (and as far as I am concerned, that is the case no matter what the consequences may be.)

Sorry, but I cannot shake loose the suspicion that Habituation advice still feels like the flimsiest self-imposed con job that will collapse like the proverbial House of Cards, especially when a spike occurs.

And, what the f**k did Michael Leigh mean when he wrote that, since 19 out of 20 ailments are not curable but treatable this gave him all the impetus he needed to fully habituate?

My migraines are not curable but the pain completely disappears when I take the drug Maxalt. Did it ever occur to him that this is precisely why even the most severe migraines are absolutely not within the same category as tinnitus?

That is my problem with accepting Habituation; so many of it's endorsements are riddled with commentary that is just common-sense, plain wrong.

All this nonsense about "how much tinnitus was a journey that taught me so much about myself" only makes me reflect about how by having this I am fully flush up against the tragic, inescapable horror of Life.

Habituation is not user-controlled or conjured up, it's a natural thing that the body and mind usually progress to. Unfortunately, this does not happen for everybody, in many instances for those with extreme levels of tinnitus which is very difficult or impossible to habituate to. Until there is a cure, habituation will no doubt be the primary way of dealing with tinnitus for the vast majority of the world's population with tinnitus, which is many millions.

 

[Luman]

I did it under supervision. It took me 9 weeks to taper off with a crossover to Valium from Klonopin. I got the vaccine in February and it's still horrific.

It sounds like you're like myself, very sensitive to benzo withdrawal. I went through hell for many months, after going cold turkey in Jan. 2018, and I had only taken them less than a hundred times over the course of four months. I previously took them for about four years, several times a week, between 2005 - 2010, which may have caused kindling when I started again in Sept. 2017 for tinnitus relief.

Unless there is a chance of convulsions or death from withdrawal, I would not advise going to a psychiatrist or doctor for help, they generally do not recognize benzo post-withdrawal syndrome.

You cannot recover properly if alcohol is consumed.

The good news is, this syndrome subsides and the brain goes back to normal.

For the best advice, I would recommend BenzoBuddies and the success stories therein.

 

[Brian P]

It sounds like you're like myself, very sensitive to benzo withdrawal. I went through hell for many months, after going cold turkey in Jan. 2018, and I had only taken them less than a hundred times over the course of four months. I previously took them for about four years, several times a week, between 2005 - 2010, which may have caused kindling when I started again in Sept. 2017 for tinnitus relief.

Unless there is a chance of convulsions or death from withdrawal, I would not advise going to a psychiatrist or doctor for help, they generally do not recognize benzo post-withdrawal syndrome.

You cannot recover properly if alcohol is consumed.

The good news is, this syndrome subsides and the brain goes back to normal.

For the best advice, I would recommend BenzoBuddies and the success stories therein.

Did you ever recover? I never plan on reinstating the Klonopin. I need to be off the drugs to heal.

 

[grate_biff]

I would say that tinnitus, and especially in combination with sound sensitivity is easily one of the worlds most cruel medical conditions, because things can get perpetually worse while the relief of death is nowhere near in sight. Some of us fight with tinnitus that perpetually worsen due to everyday sounds. Sensitivity to sound, in its many shapes and forms poses hard limits on ones life which cannot be compromised with. The only options we have is to wear hearing protection, isolate ourselves and hope that things begin to improve.

Having "only tinnitus" don't stop anyone from seeking company with friends, enjoying some low volume music or working(given it's not severe-severe). It's possible to "fight ourselves back", but when sensitivity to sound is involved, this is no longer possible.

Thank you for writing this

 

[Luman]

Did you ever recover? I never plan on reinstating the Klonopin. I need to be off the drugs to heal.

Yes, I am 100% recovered. The depression, bad thoughts, physical symptoms, guilt, irrational fears, inability to get restful sleep, etc. are all gone. Klonopin is very powerful, has very bad withdrawal symptoms for some, and is the one that I took a few times a week for four months in 2017. You'll be fine, virtually everybody recovers from post-benzo withdrawal syndrome, even very long-term heavy users of Klonopin.

 

[Brian P]

Yes, I am 100% recovered. The depression, bad thoughts, physical symptoms, guilt, irrational fears, inability to get restful sleep, etc. are all gone. Klonopin is very powerful, has very bad withdrawal symptoms for some, and is the one that I took a few times a week for four months in 2017. You'll be fine, virtually everybody recovers from post-benzo withdrawal syndrome, even very long-term heavy users of Klonopin.

Thanks for letting me know. The only real withdrawal symptom I have now is the incredibly increased tinnitus. Everything else is mild. I had some muscle twitching. Other than that I'm fine.

 

[tpj]

Would people here still be as suicidal if their tinnitus could be "cured" or turned to a "mild" condition?

I don't understand many people here who seem more preoccupied with other situations but have hardly any comments on that.

Some people yes, others no. Some conditions, like severe tinnitus, are so overwhelming it's hard to know how other things may truly be affecting you.

 

[Exit]

Just been inside watching TV or bad Netflix all day.

Anyone else done nothing...?

Tonight there's salsa social dancing 5 minutes walk from me.

Last 7 years before tinnitus I always had a hope of going back to my crowd, except they're probably grown up, with work, marriage and kids after 7 years.

But I could have been an old dirty pig with the new girls down there...

Going back there as a 40-year-old probably wouldn't be great but the concept of being healthy, well functional and happy enough to do something like that would have been great...

Wrote this for the Chit Chat thread but had to cut and paste it here...

I hope it's soothing for someone out there when seeing the suicidal thread jumping up again.

I know I do..

goodnight people

 

[Ollie]

Hi, I need some help.

I am literally on the verge of being suicidal. I am at the stage of putting my affairs in order with regards to pensions and savings and will and researching quick and painless but certain methods of suicide.

I just don't think I can go on. It's no way to live and is torture. My tinnitus is a 10. The loudest thing I hear in most but the noisiest circumstances.

I can't believe any one else has this at this volume. It's screaming and feels like my head is vibrating with the noise.

I just can't see a future like this. I put a smile on my face but inside I am in hell. When the fear of living becomes greater than the fear of death then a pathway opens up.

I am trouble. Noise induced hearing loss with tinnitus. Moderate. Learned to live with it and habituated. 5 years.

Made a massive mistake and went to a ridiculously loud live music event and have lost much more hearing and the tinnitus is unbearable. 2 weeks in.

Someone please tell me this is not permanent.

 

[Simon85]

I always had a hope of going back to my crowd, except they're probably grown up, with work, marriage and kids after 7 years

Reach out. You never know.

Made a massive mistake and went to a ridiculously loud live music event and have lost much more hearing and the tinnitus is unbearable. 2 weeks in.

@Ollie, sounds like you're going through a hell of a spike. I'm sorry this is happening. We all make mistakes which is just part of being human. Obviously avoid loud events for now while your ears settle. 2 weeks in is still very early and it's likely to be much lower in volume as the months progress. You owe it to yourself to hang in there for a few months and see what happens. Lean on sleeping pills if you need to - sleep deprivation makes everything harder. Reach out to loved ones, be kind to yourself and try to get the help you need. Time should bring you relief.

 

[GregCA]

My tinnitus is a 10. The loudest thing I hear in most but the noisiest circumstances.

I can't believe any one else has this at this volume.

You're not alone.

Hang in there. With an acoustic trauma only 2 weeks back, there's a chance it will settle back to what it was before.

Good luck!

 

[Brian P]

Hi, I need some help.

I am literally on the verge of being suicidal. I am at the stage of putting my affairs in order with regards to pensions and savings and will and researching quick and painless but certain methods of suicide.

I just don't think I can go on. It's no way to live and is torture. My tinnitus is a 10. The loudest thing I hear in most but the noisiest circumstances.

I can't believe any one else has this at this volume. It's screaming and feels like my head is vibrating with the noise.

I just can't see a future like this. I put a smile on my face but inside I am in hell. When the fear of living becomes greater than the fear of death then a pathway opens up.

I am trouble. Noise induced hearing loss with tinnitus. Moderate. Learned to live with it and habituated. 5 years.

Made a massive mistake and went to a ridiculously loud live music event and have lost much more hearing and the tinnitus is unbearable. 2 weeks in.

Someone please tell me this is not permanent.

Not gonna lie, death is far better than this. I attempted twice. 2nd time nearly worked. Luckily I was not permanently maimed by it. Lived to die another day. I put my will in order and my friends know I won't be here too long. That being said, if it doesn't go away for you, death is always there as an escape.

 

[Ed209]

Hi, I need some help.

I am literally on the verge of being suicidal. I am at the stage of putting my affairs in order with regards to pensions and savings and will and researching quick and painless but certain methods of suicide.

I just don't think I can go on. It's no way to live and is torture. My tinnitus is a 10. The loudest thing I hear in most but the noisiest circumstances.

I can't believe any one else has this at this volume. It's screaming and feels like my head is vibrating with the noise.

I just can't see a future like this. I put a smile on my face but inside I am in hell. When the fear of living becomes greater than the fear of death then a pathway opens up.

I am trouble. Noise induced hearing loss with tinnitus. Moderate. Learned to live with it and habituated. 5 years.

Made a massive mistake and went to a ridiculously loud live music event and have lost much more hearing and the tinnitus is unbearable. 2 weeks in.

Someone please tell me this is not permanent.

I'm so sorry, Ollie. I can feel your pain. Two weeks is not a long time, so please try and calm down as much as possible because stress and anxiety will only make it much much worse. Huge spikes can settle, but it can take a while (weeks/months). I know you won't feel like it, but eat healthily, take extra vitamins and minerals, and try to keep moving. Don't ruminate or stay in bed, and try to focus your mind on doing productive things.

Talk to others and let them know how you are feeling.

We all understand what you are going through on this forum, so you are not alone.

 

[twa]

Hi, I need some help.

I am literally on the verge of being suicidal. I am at the stage of putting my affairs in order with regards to pensions and savings and will and researching quick and painless but certain methods of suicide.

I just don't think I can go on. It's no way to live and is torture. My tinnitus is a 10. The loudest thing I hear in most but the noisiest circumstances.

I can't believe any one else has this at this volume. It's screaming and feels like my head is vibrating with the noise.

I just can't see a future like this. I put a smile on my face but inside I am in hell. When the fear of living becomes greater than the fear of death then a pathway opens up.

I am trouble. Noise induced hearing loss with tinnitus. Moderate. Learned to live with it and habituated. 5 years.

Made a massive mistake and went to a ridiculously loud live music event and have lost much more hearing and the tinnitus is unbearable. 2 weeks in.

Someone please tell me this is not permanent.

All I can say is from my own experience. I've had noise induced tinnitus and hyperacusis for a year. It was very bad for at least 6 months and then I started to be able to do a lot more. I cried every single day, multiple times a day. I sat with my family at dinner and just cried. Today, has been a year and I went to the State Fair. I did ok, I made it through and we had to leave when it started to get crowded. A year ago I did not think this was possible.

Hang in there!

Sending much love, compassion and prayers your way!

twa

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Anova IRM. They don't officially treat hearing disorders, but they've evaluated my case (auditory neuropathy - quite possibly only cochlear synaptopathy) and since their treatment seems to work on ALS/MS, they've agreed to take my case (as it's mostly neurological).

That's one single thing keeping me somewhat hopeful. The awful distortions, the hyperacusis, the 12+ tinnitus sounds... And floaters, oh my goodness, the floaters. I need to stare at a screen for a significant portion of the day and the floaters are there all the time. If I get an improvement from the secretome, I will get the floaters treated, too.

I see floaters sometimes when driving and it's really bright; what does that mean?

 

[Wrfortiscue]

I'll take a positive mindset with moderate tinnitus day over a depressed mindset with low tinnitus.

Mine alternates everyday different hours, and the depression makes everything 1000x worse. Positive upbeat days I hear the screeching or ringing and I'm annoyed but still good, other times it can be faint or light but I'm obsessed and feel sick.

 

[Brian P]

I'm so sorry, Ollie. I can feel your pain. Two weeks is not a long time, so please try and calm down as much as possible because stress and anxiety will only make it much much worse. Huge spikes can settle, but it can take a while (weeks/months). I know you won't feel like it, but eat healthily, take extra vitamins and minerals, and try to keep moving. Don't ruminate or stay in bed, and try to focus your mind on doing productive things.

Talk to others and let them know how you are feeling.

We all understand what you are going through on this forum, so you are not alone.

He's not alone but he has to deal with this shit everyday. Knowing he's not alone is little solace. Either you learn to live with this shit or you don't. It's very simple. I don't even get why there is a forum for this, knowing damn well our great grandkids will be dead and buried before a cure or decent treatment is available.