Suicidal

[Exit]

Why didn't you finish it?

It was my first month and the headphones were earmuffs so I heard all my tinnitus in its glory... And separating it from those beeps...

 

[Marcuso22]

Anybody who can recommend me meds to lessen suicide thoughts/ideation that won't worsen the tinnitus?

At the moment I'm not sure what's worse. The severe tinnitus or the thought of killing myself and not doing anything about it.

I use Lyrica for the nerve damage & Xanax for the anxiety & at least in short term usage it brings down the high frequency tinnitus level. Melatonin can work as well for lowering tinnitus intensity & for sleep. There's also YouTube video's with all kinds of frequency levels you can listen to for masking tinnitus. One person who keeps putting out new sounds for tinnitus masking goes by the name dalesnale.

As for antidepressants, that's something you would have to try & see what happens since everyone reacts differently to them. Some people on here seem to like Mirtazapine which seems to help them sleep & doesn't make their tinnitus worse.

 

[Kenilworth]

I use Lyrica for the nerve damage & Xanax for the anxiety & at least in short term usage it brings down the high frequency tinnitus level. Melatonin can work as well for lowering tinnitus intensity & for sleep. There's also YouTube video's with all kinds of frequency levels you can listen to for masking tinnitus. One person who keeps putting out new sounds for tinnitus masking goes by the name dalesnale.

As for antidepressants, that's something you would have to try & see what happens since everyone reacts differently to them. Some people on here seem to like Mirtazapine which seems to help them sleep & doesn't make their tinnitus worse.

Thank you. I will consider those.

 

[jasonbourne]

Would people here still be as suicidal if their tinnitus could be "cured" or turned to a "mild" condition?

I don't understand many people here who seem more preoccupied with other situations but have hardly any comments on that.

If my tinnitus dropped to mild I'd be the happiest man alive. Well maybe not happy since I'd still have PTSD because of what this shit has done to me, but the relief would be immeasurable.

 

[danielthor]

My other neuro disorder is deterorating on a weekly basis. I have an appointment with a specialist, but the waiting is 4 months and with the trend of this thing I have no idea what state I will be in by that time. I'm considering assisted suicide in Switzerland, which also has a waiting of about 4-5 months. They take in severe CFS/ME-patients, which is morbidly funny since no one else does. I need a backup plan if I'm to wait these months and the specialist turns out to not be able to help. I figure by the time I get to him I will be in such bad state that I'm gonna have to take manners in my own hands and do it myself. I can't do that. I'm just not built for it. If the specialist does turn out to be able to help, then I can always cancel my spot at the assisted suicide clinic. I hate that it's come to this, but I have no other choice if this thing gets worse. I will be discussing this with my parents once they come home from their trip, and it's going to be the hardest conversation I've ever had in my life.

 

[Stacken77]

My other neuro disorder is deterorating on a weekly basis. I have an appointment with a specialist, but the waiting is 4 months and with the trend of this thing I have no idea what state I will be in by that time. I'm considering assisted suicide in Switzerland, which also has a waiting of about 4-5 months. They take in severe CFS/ME-patients, which is morbidly funny since no one else does. I need a backup plan if I'm to wait these months and the specialist turns out to not be able to help. I figure by the time I get to him I will be in such bad state that I'm gonna have to take manners in my own hands and do it myself. I can't do that. I'm just not built for it. If the specialist does turn out to be able to help, then I can always cancel my spot at the assisted suicide clinic. I hate that it's come to this, but I have no other choice if this thing gets worse. I will be discussing this with my parents once they come home from their trip, and it's going to be the hardest conversation I've ever had in my life.

I'm so very sorry to hear that Daniel, it breaks my heart. It's so cruel that you, we, all, have to go through such unfathomable suffering. You're in my thoughts, my friend.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

To jasonbourne:

Very perceptive regarding the permanent PTSD effect that this will inevitably have; even when occasionally it seems to be non-existent I am still with quite neurotic ferociousness listening out for it.

I recall that that PT Boat Gunner in Apocalypse Now was so exhausted from being hyperalert about an imminent attack that he would have preferred that over the unendurable stress of waiting and then suddenly being caught by total surprise.

My rare quiet times are ruined by the certainty that I will be blindsided by a spike.

And what psychiatrist would be able to devise a method for alleviating this stress when this cycle has been ingrained in me for almost 8 years?

Like the PT Boat Gunner, it is almost a relief to get the spike and have done with the cripplingly paranoid, ever-present expectation of it's imminent occurrence.

This has only given me a real appreciation for the magnitude of the PTSD experienced by Combat Veterans, who have (I'm sure) been subjected to exponentially far greater trauma.

 

[PeteJ]

It got worse for now reason without noise or meds?

Yes, but I theorize that it's from loud noise - I live in a noisy area and there's constant noise around. I used to insert ear plugs a lot until my tinnitus significantly worsened. Now, when I do it, there's obviously NO masking so I am damned if I do...

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Yes, but I theorize that it's from loud noise - I live in a noisy area and there's constant noise around. I used to insert ear plugs a lot until my tinnitus significantly worsened. Now, when I do it, there's obviously NO masking so I am damned if I do...

Yeah I know what you mean, it can be torture.

 

[Mark62]

Hi, I need some help.

I am literally on the verge of being suicidal. I am at the stage of putting my affairs in order with regards to pensions and savings and will and researching quick and painless but certain methods of suicide.

I just don't think I can go on. It's no way to live and is torture. My tinnitus is a 10. The loudest thing I hear in most but the noisiest circumstances.

I can't believe any one else has this at this volume. It's screaming and feels like my head is vibrating with the noise.

I just can't see a future like this. I put a smile on my face but inside I am in hell. When the fear of living becomes greater than the fear of death then a pathway opens up.

I am trouble. Noise induced hearing loss with tinnitus. Moderate. Learned to live with it and habituated. 5 years.

Made a massive mistake and went to a ridiculously loud live music event and have lost much more hearing and the tinnitus is unbearable. 2 weeks in.

Someone please tell me this is not permanent.

Ollie, how are you doing?

Mark

 

[Andrew01]

I don't know what to do. The Mirtazapine I took just because I wanted sleep quite possibly gave me visual snow, so now I am trying to quit it and hoping my tinnitus doesn't get worse (Mirtazapine seems to help with the tinnitus a bit).

Going through withdrawal, dealing with visual snow syndrome, tinnitus with multiple tones (loudest is a sizzling head sound), and hyperacusis (this is improving a bit thankfully with protection) feels like too much.

I just wanted to make things better but seems every step I take is in the wrong direction. Originally Ativan helped me sleep in the beginning but I didn't want to take it long term and thought Mirtazapine would be a better choice.

I want to hold on until I can at least try a treatment or something in 10 years but I don't know if anything will ever help for non-NIHL tinnitus..

I just feel so lost.

 

[Ken219]

just wanted to make things better but seems every step I take is in the wrong direction. Originally Ativan helped me sleep in the beginning but I didn't want to take it long term and thought Mirtazapine would be a better choice.

Don't be stigmatized by using medication. Medications can help you cope and sleep. When you find what works for you stay with it. Always work with your doctors!

 

[Andrew01]

Don't be stigmatized by using medication. Medications can help you cope and sleep. When you find what works for you stay with it. Always work with your doctors!

Thanks Ken, I don't have an issue with medication or those that use it, only that it's a minefield trying to figure out what can help and what can hurt. I do wish I explored mindfulness based approaches first before reaching for the RX as my situation is objectively worse now but I was in a state of panic at the time so can't fault myself.

It's going to be tough coming off the mirtazapine as it does help with my tinnitus a bit but I think it is the best long term strategy, and I do want to be around long term at the end of the day.

 

[danielthor]

@Andrew01, the visual snow could be just an adjustment-phase. I had the same when I started Abilify. I got scared, but it passed within a few days / weeks. If you feel like it's helping and you don't mind being on it, then I would say to stay on it for a few more weeks and see if it doesn't settle.

I myself have been on Mirtazapine for almost 2 years now and it has only helped.

 

[Andrew01]

@danielthor, it's a good point, and one I'm seriously considering. I get really bright flashing lights in my closed eyes for a few hours after the Mirtazapine has kicked in, so I know the connection is there. Overall the visual snow doesn't fuss me too much right now, apart from some dark floaters, but don't want it to get worse, or have a more difficult withdrawal down the road.

I'm going to think about it carefully, I really do think it helps my tinnitus somehow so if I stay on, I hope that it doesn't wear off.

 

[ALS]

@danielthor, it's a good point, and one I'm seriously considering. I get really bright flashing lights in my closed eyes for a few hours after the Mirtazapine has kicked in, so I know the connection is there. Overall the visual snow doesn't fuss me too much right now, apart from some dark floaters, but don't want it to get worse, or have a more difficult withdrawal down the road.

I'm going to think about it carefully, I really do think it helps my tinnitus somehow so if I stay on, I hope that it doesn't wear off.

@Andrew01, I've also gotten visual snow and dark floaters on Mirtazapine. I'm currently tapering to hopefully keep it from getting worse. I get a static/insects flitting around effect when looking at a wall or at the sky in sunlight. Sucks. Weight gain also sucks.

Maybe a lower dose would still help while minimizing the effects for you? Just a thought. Take care ❤

 

[Andrew01]

@ALS, my heart goes out to you, my vs sounds similar (well I see it over most everything, but the static I can see getting used to ok) and I know dealing with all of it is a big burden. I hope things turn around for you.

I've been on for just under 2 months total, and down to 2 mg now, so I'm just going to step off I think, maybe one more week at 1 mg but idk. I'll let you know how my visual snow responds to it, and tinnitus as well, in addition to other symptoms. I have a thread started in the other section so I'll update there.

I do wish the visual stuff didn't start, otherwise I think it would be a great help.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I also got floaters and visual snow on Mirtazapine. It's an awful awful drug, at least for some of us. Plus I'm stuck on it now, as I can't handle even a very slow taper (already tried), so now I can "look forward" to my vision deteriorating more and more until I go crazy at some point. I also have experienced worsening tinnitus and worsening hyperacusis on it, but I can't be sure that that's due to the drug, but I personally believe it is. My advice: continue your taper. Get out while you can. Try another antidepressant, anything but Mirtazapine. Even benzos are better imo (I experienced a fairly harsh withdrawal from them, but it was still milder then Mirtazapine withdraval).

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I am doing bad myself. It's not even 2 weeks since I was approved for early retirement, and I can't even feel happiness about it any longer. It took 3-4 days of feeling optimistic and now I feel like shit again. What does it even matter, when I just keep deteriorating at rapid pace, and feel I am veru close to a complete breakdown into complete insanity. Nothing that money can buy, will make this get better. Tinnitus gets worse, hyperacusis gets worse, eye floaters are getting worse. I've lost by ability to sleep well since about 8-9 days ago, so now I'm not functioning at all. The only slightly comforting thought is that now I'll maybe be able to pay for VAD at Pegasos in 6-12 months. It's a really pressing thought all day, every day now.

I don't care about improvement of my present tinnitus, my present hyperacusis, my present floaters, my present other health issues. I don't care about being 99% homebound and isolated.

I.JUST.WANT.IT.TO.STOP.WORSENING!! Seriously...STOP IT, DAMMIT!

 

[Andrew01]

@TheDanishGirl, did you look at a 10% every 4 week taper? Heck you could even double the length and do every 8 weeks. Only issue is precise dosing but a compounding pharmacy could help.

If it's any consolation I don't think visual snow progresses much once it stabilizes, I think Mirtazapine triggers it (though in my case I do get direct 'spiking' of it after taking it) but once it is there it is there and you shouldn't see much movement (and as such I honestly don't expect mine to improve much once I am off). I don't think Mirtazapine can cause more floaters directly either, just that they don't get filtered out with VSS.

 

[Gee82]

I have been on 3 mg Mirtazapine for the past 10 months. Recently I experienced teichopsia, which scared the shit out of me. Thankfully it went away after 20 minutes. The doctor said it is likely due to Mirtazapine affecting the eye pressure and it is likely to reoccur.

I have tried to come off this drug and I didn't experience any withdrawal effects; however my tinnitus is as loud as having an ambulance alarm full on next to my bed and I need Mirtazapine to be able to sleep some. Lucky those who can fall asleep with just Melatonin or supplements; I believe that I will be on Mirtazapine for as long as I have tinnitus - probably for the rest of my shitty life.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

@TheDanishGirl, did you look at a 10% every 4 week taper? Heck you could even double the length and do every 8 weeks. Only issue is precise dosing but a compounding pharmacy could help.

If it's any consolation I don't think visual snow progresses much once it stabilizes, I think Mirtazapine triggers it (though in my case I do get direct 'spiking' of it after taking it) but once it is there it is there and you shouldn't see much movement (and as such I honestly don't expect mine to improve much once I am off). I don't think Mirtazapine can cause more floaters directly either, just that they don't get filtered out with VSS.

I did a 5% taper when I tried and it was still awful.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I've never been closer to calling it quits. The anxiety and stress is ongoing and relentless. Not even the small amount of sleep I get is an escape anymore. The anxiety and stress follows me into my dreams. I have to sit on my hands almost literally to keep from hurting myself. I already hit myself a lot. I can't help it. The intense anxiety and frustration is boiling in me. I want to cry all the time, but I can hardly even get one tear out. It's just bottled up inside me. Like a fire inside my body. I can't sit still for more then a few seconds. I am losing my s*** completely. If this doesn't improve then I really think I am done. This state is not survivable for very long.

I can't believe this is where I end up. I was supposed to improve, or just stop worsening, now that I am retired, but I guess it doesn't matter. FML!

 

[Exit]

I've never been closer to calling it quits. The anxiety and stress is ongoing and relentless. Not even the small amount of sleep I get is an escape anymore. The anxiety and stress follows me into my dreams. I have to sit on my hands almost literally to keep from hurting myself. I already hit myself a lot. I can't help it. The intense anxiety and frustration is boiling in me. I want to cry all the time, but I can hardly even get one tear out. It's just bottled up inside me. Like a fire inside my body. I can't sit still for more then a few seconds. I am losing my s*** completely. If this doesn't improve then I really think I am done. This state is not survivable for very long.

I can't believe this is where I end up. I was supposed to improve, or just stop worsening, now that I am retired, but I guess it doesn't matter. FML!

I know the feeling of despair...

Hugs.

 

[ajc]

I've never been closer to calling it quits. The anxiety and stress is ongoing and relentless. Not even the small amount of sleep I get is an escape anymore. The anxiety and stress follows me into my dreams. I have to sit on my hands almost literally to keep from hurting myself. I already hit myself a lot. I can't help it. The intense anxiety and frustration is boiling in me. I want to cry all the time, but I can hardly even get one tear out. It's just bottled up inside me. Like a fire inside my body. I can't sit still for more then a few seconds. I am losing my s*** completely. If this doesn't improve then I really think I am done. This state is not survivable for very long.

I can't believe this is where I end up. I was supposed to improve, or just stop worsening, now that I am retired, but I guess it doesn't matter. FML!

I want to give you a big hug.

 

[Kenilworth]

I've never been closer to calling it quits. The anxiety and stress is ongoing and relentless. Not even the small amount of sleep I get is an escape anymore. The anxiety and stress follows me into my dreams. I have to sit on my hands almost literally to keep from hurting myself. I already hit myself a lot. I can't help it. The intense anxiety and frustration is boiling in me. I want to cry all the time, but I can hardly even get one tear out. It's just bottled up inside me. Like a fire inside my body. I can't sit still for more then a few seconds. I am losing my s*** completely. If this doesn't improve then I really think I am done. This state is not survivable for very long.

I can't believe this is where I end up. I was supposed to improve, or just stop worsening, now that I am retired, but I guess it doesn't matter. FML!

My tinnitus is at 12/10 at the moment. Just know that I'm with you. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Jon R.]

I hate this so much. All I did was decide to take the COVID-19 vaccine and I now have zero quality of life left. 3 tones of tinnitus, distorted hearing, reactive tinnitus, shrill cicadas, rumbling hum penetrating my ear, an intense eeeee sound, 24/7. I used to only have the rumble sound for 4 weeks whenever I had a cold before this began, now I have THREE damn tones including that one, for 5+ months now. My enjoyment of music and radio and movies, all gone, no silence, no quietness even. Why can't doctors tell me what happened to me.

 

[LilSass]

Hi @Jon R.!

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I understand trying to do the right thing and then getting f***ed up because of it. Can I ask was it the first dose or second of the vax? I am concerned it will cause worsening of tinnitus and other health issues.

Thanks!

 

[Exit]

Friday nights are usually a chill evening for normal people.

And here we are...

On my way home to see if I can go in now, or before midnight when neighbours go to disco, or even better not going home at all because they decided to scream to 5 am...

Being sick with other conditions I could at least go home and relax and feel sad because I have no life...

Fun fun fun buy a gun!

 

[LilCC]

I have lost it all to tinnitus and hyperacusis. I'm not going into details as of how tragic my life has become as I know you can all relate, but I've always struggled with health issues since I was a kid. I pretty much got tinnitus and hyperacusis from loud noise exposure, so it really is my fault, can't blame anyone else, I just didn't think it would reach this level of hell. I used to think I would only lose some hearing and that was ok, I didn't know the hell that awaited me.

I absolutely love music and going to concerts, shows, raves, music festivals etc, it was what gave me an escape to the already mundane life style most people live under in this society. Music was everything to me, and so I'm completely mourning it's death. I know I can possibly listen to music again one day, but festivals and shows are completely gone forever. I used to love listening to techno, house etc pretty much the bassist of all music out there, but really what's techno without some good bass? What's house without some good hooks?

I have had many battles throughout my life, as life hasn't been easy for me, but this is by far the worst and must uphill battle I have had to fight, and I don't see myself coming out the same person I was even if I defeat it. In some aspects life hasn't always been shitty, I've honestly had some amazing years and was able to make amazing memories and friends along the way. I've dated many people and have had some truly unique experience with these individuals, truly I loved the fact that I was able to easily make friends and just be a social person all around, but that's all gone as I am not stuck in my room wishing for this Effing condition to go away. The worst part for me has bee i the stabbing relentless ear pain I've been having, tinnitus is pretty bad too but I would say it's tolerable at times.

The pain and sometimes the tinnitus has truly made me feel suicidal at times. Am I depressed? I'm depressed and frustrated because if it wasn't for this condition my life would actually be pretty Fucking good and enjoyable. Hopefully it gets well soon, at least to live a semi-normal life again, I know I'll never be the same person I was before, as music forever will just never be the same. I truly do feel for all of you, and I'm so sorry we have to go through this shit. I just want to say that I miss music, and that I will always cherish all the amazing memories I've had, I'm glad I got to live it up for many years.

Am I going to off myself soon? Probably not, but if it keeps getting worse that's always a possibility.