If my tinnitus dropped to mild I'd be the happiest man alive. Well maybe not happy since I'd still have PTSD because of what this shit has done to me, but the relief would be immeasurable.
I was hesitating if I should reply to this post - also because I probably never had such a terrible tinnitus as the vast majority of people writing on this thread. Moreover, I'm still not healthy, so I can't fall under the "survivor" category. I still have bad days (last at the end of August).
What's more, I'm an alcoholic (I think I was addicted around 18 ... sober from the age of 20 to the age of 22) and after 10 months from the beginning of tinnitus, I started drinking again and now I have a problem to stay sober - so there are clear traces after all this. Nevertheless, I wanted to comment on the topic of PTSD Background. I remember thinking about myself in the past tense. I was crying that I would have to finish it with my own hand and it would be better if a truck ran over me (because then you don't have to finish it yourself). I thought about myself in the past tense - "I was ambitious, I studied".
At least I tried to find out that 22 years of life is not so little - I compared myself to a friend who died at the age of 18, to historical figures (who did not live to be 22), and that to numerous contemporary victims armed conflicts. I can't even call it typical suicidal thoughts - because I perceived it as something already accomplished. I was also terrified that I would have to do something like this to my dad (I knew how he would feel when I finished this). I was a bit sorry that because of my mother I could not enjoy my life when I was a child - I considered it a loss, since (as it turned out) I was only supposed to live 22 years ...
On the other hand, I tried to appreciate that before my death (dating from the beginning of the disease) I could study my beloved field and enjoy my life for six months ... You know, such summaries before my death.
I was thinking about tinnitus before I could even hear it and realize what day of the week it is etc thinks).
I vomited from nerves as soon as I woke up. I permanently (until today) lost my emotional attitude towards my studies and professional path (and I used to be ambitious and wanted to know as much as possible about my field, i.e. law) - typical "but in the end it's doesn't even matter). For over a year of illness, in the morning I had the thought that I couldn't do that, again all day and that's all.
I remember hearing that, screaming, hitting the wall with my hands and running out of the house.
What am I describing all this for? Also, I was convinced that if the situation improved, I thought that would end PTSD, but be grateful for every moment.
In this moment the situation is improved.
Tinnitus is not so volatile, it is quieter.
The bad news: I can get frustrated with some rival things like before tinnitus. Although many things that have ceased to interest me as a result of my illness, they still do not evoke any emotions in me. I'm not grateful every second that I don't have to suffer, not suffering is not enough for eternal happiness (and I imagined it would).
The good news: what I described above is pretty much all I can remember about the first three years of tinnitus - the ones that happened before I found effective supplements. Your brain can wipe out extremely traumatic memories. Mine did it. It doesn't have to end up with active PTSD. Although I will not say, I still react aggressively, regardless of the context, to a few words such as "acceptance", "learning to live with something" or "habituation" (I think you understand why ... what I heard from them).
But I would like to point out that I forgot most of my childhood in the same way. I can describe it 2-3 sentences. I know who hurt me and why, I have some memories, I don't like this person, but most of them are - for my mental health - erased.
Member
