Suicidal

[David S]

I think my tinnitus is even more higher pitched than cicadas. I went for a walk with my dog around 8pm and the insects, whatever they were, were masking my tinnitus but they seemed louder and more scattered than usual. The walk was along a trail with a river beside us. Some bushes on the other side. Going back was along a sidewalk away from the trail. My t noises were loud but I could tell the noises are at a higher pitch than the insects sounds.

In my early days I tried to pinpoint my tinnitus. I believed I could match it to around 11 kHz. I did not have any hearing loss up to 8 kHz. Later on i managed to do a high frequency hearing test and I had a slope around 14-15 kHz. My tinnitus is far from a pure tone but I am sure it´s well above 8 kHz and not even close to be masked by any ambient sound.

I don't know how you cope with "screaming ears." I think we should say we 'hear it in our brains' though.

Nor could I for the first 2-3 years.

What do you rate your severity at, out of 10?

A good day is 6-7 out of 10. Today 8-9 out of 10. I still went to work and could focus well. I must say that I am quite exhausted on a 8-9 out of 10 day so I do my daily routine. Eat a good dinner with my family, drink 2-3 glasses of wine and take my sleeping pill and go to bed. I do not know about tomorrow but it will most likely be the same drill.

I can't help but be concerned if it doesn't reduce - already I can't sleep and I am screwed if I can't which means I can't work either. :-(

To get sleep under control is essential. The only way I could get my sleeping back to normal was to drug myself with benzo and zopiclone. It took me many years until I reached a good pattern again. Then I slowly started to taper out the meds. It worked fine for me.

Today I look forward to going to bed. I could not care less about my tinnitus just before falling asleep. I just so much deserve my 8-9 hours rest after a bad tinnitus day!

 

[PeteJ]

I will look for a sanctioned suicide site.

I was exposed to an alarm and although I covered my ears and got my muffs on, my left ear is in excruciating pain right now. I AM DONE. I can't move and I can't do anything about this.

It's the first time in months that it seems I had major ear pain following loud noise exposure. I think I mostly have ear pain from clenching in my sleep but it seems this was from the noise. I don't think I clenched that hard while awake to cause so much pain. It's in the same area though. In the ear canal right down to the bony part below the ear but still part of the ear.

I am tired of suffering. I am going to plan my suicide for good.

 

[Allan1967]

I will look for a sanctioned suicide site.

I was exposed to an alarm and although I covered my ears and got my muffs on, my left ear is in excruciating pain right now. I AM DONE. I can't move and I can't do anything about this.

It's the first time in months that it seems I had major ear pain following loud noise exposure. I think I mostly have ear pain from clenching in my sleep but it seems this was from the noise. I don't think I clenched that hard while awake to cause so much pain. It's in the same area though. In the ear canal right down to the bony part below the ear but still part of the ear.

I am tired of suffering. I am going to plan my suicide for good.

How long were you exposed for and did you have pain From a previous loud noise exposure? Did you get a spike after that and did it calm down at all? I'm sorry to read about you're suffering @PeteJ ...I am in a similar place as you.

 

[PeteJ]

How long were you exposed for and did you have pain From a previous loud noise exposure? Did you get a spike after that and did it calm down at all? I'm sorry to read about you're suffering @PeteJ ...I am in a similar place as you.

It's difficult to answer but those are good questions. I did have ear pain earlier but a while ago and I couldn't link it to noise or sound exposure. Or, at least, it wasn't obvious. I linked it to clenching and grinding at night in my sleep since parts of my jaw were really sore.

This time, it seemed to be the loud sound. The ear pain came an hour later (my guess) and lasted many hours. It was excruciating until about 1am from 6pm. I was able to sleep but it's still sore from when I woke up.

The pain subsided a bit but it is still sore. My ears never feel normal. :-(

I think I had a spike. I was stressed though. My tinnitus tones are awfully loud and multi tones so my head/ears are screaming all the time.

 

[spinnaker]

Two things that keep me going for now.

1. Things will be better tomorrow. I have had tinnitus for years. But it was always manageable. Literally overnight things changed. I was in very good shape. Just go finished with a bicycle tour of Mt Hood Oregon. Very proud of myself that I was able to climb that road on my bicycle at age 60. Then a few weeks later things took a turn for the far worse.

I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

2. I need to care for my 94 year old mom that has been suffering from arthritis for years. She is 100 million times more courageous and stronger than I am.

But I pray every night for God to either take us both or make me stronger so I can care for her.

It is getting more difficult by the day. I do know that I cannot stand to live the next 30 years like this. And I have suddenly no pleasure at all in my life other than the love for my mom.

 

[Agrajag364]

Thank you GoatSheep, I had some fairly unpleasant dreams, but nothing worse than reality.

My life needs to change. A lot. I need to devote my life to serving others, because it's too late for me to enjoy it. I don't know how to get started, but I'll keep asking.

You sound like you are in a very bad place and maybe tinnitus is the last straw and you are not currently getting the support you need. Life can always, always turn around and surprise us. Please don't assume all hope is gone in your life.

 

[Allan1967]

Right now, I just want to vent. I don't want to die, but I don't to live like this either. So I'm torn between a rock and a hard place because the only way to achieve silence is to die, but to do that I'd have to commit suicide to be free of it, but would I be free of it if I went to Hell or was reborn to learn my lesson all over again. And if I did what devastation would I leave behind? My precious son would be devastated and close to follow.

So what can I hope for? An early unexpected death? Can I pray for that? Is it sinful? Is it likely to work?

So when all avenues lead nowhere but more pain and/or uncertainty, what do you do?

 

[ajc]

Right now, I just want to vent. I don't want to die, but I don't to live like this either. So I'm torn between a rock and a hard place because the only way to achieve silence is to die, but to do that I'd have to commit suicide to be free of it, but would I be free of it if I went to Hell or was reborn to learn my lesson all over again. And if I did what devastation would I leave behind? My precious son would be devastated and close to follow.

So what can I hope for? An early unexpected death? Can I pray for that? Is it sinful? Is it likely to work?

So when all avenues lead nowhere but more pain and/or uncertainty, what do you do?

You have children. I would be crushed at the thought of leaving children behind.

I'm glad I don't have children.

 

[Allan1967]

You have children. I would be crushed at the thought of leaving children behind.

I'm glad I don't have children.

As much as I love them, it wouldn't be their fault.
As much as I love them, my suffering is daily & never ending, from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them.

I'm not physically disabled and I know people have much worse conditions, but I am not built to cope well with it.

 

[Daniel Lion]

As much as I love them, it wouldn't be their fault.
As much as I love them, my suffering is daily & never ending, from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them.

I'm not physically disabled and I know people have much worse conditions, but I am not built to cope well with it.

Hi Allen,

I know you're at wits end. We are physically disabled and have brain damage, why would you say you are not physically disabled? Also few people on earth statistically have it worse, we got it bad, thus contemplating suicide to end our torment.

I have followed you for some time now and have written you and always delete what I write because it just doesn't feel write, or just isn't good enough. If I had the cash, I would fly to the UK and see you in person. It really hurts to see you in pain.

I also have three kids and am a 67 baby like you.

I know you're dealing with screaming tinnitus compounded with coming off of meds, or are changing meds as I have read from your posts. Tinnitus is a killer by itself with out the anguish of coming off psyche meds.

I strongly recommend any Benzo. They are the perfect sledge hammer to take us... calm us down. They work wonders for tinnitus sufferers and many folks here would agree. They really helped me. I still suffer but I am in a much better place now and am not taking them... unless an emergency happens in the future.

I would contend, again not a doctor, that we are not suffering from depression but are depressed from a vicious physical abnormality, affliction, illness.

Go to your doctor asap and get some Benzos and see if they work... until you can stand on your own to feet again.

Cry, get your kids to hug and kiss you and don't give up until you have exhausted all possibilities.

Was that ok? Did I make any sense... praying for you brother Allan.

Sincerely, Daniel

 

[Allan1967]

Hi Allen,

I know you're at wits end. We are physically disabled and have brain damage, why would you say you are not physically disabled? Also few people on earth statistically have it worse, we got it bad, thus contemplating suicide to end our torment.

I have followed you for some time now and have written you and always delete what I write because it just doesn't feel write, or just isn't good enough. If I had the cash, I would fly to the UK and see you in person. It really hurts to see you in pain.

I also have three kids and am a 67 baby like you.

I know you're dealing with screaming tinnitus compounded with coming off of meds, or are changing meds as I have read from your posts. Tinnitus is a killer by itself with out the anguish of coming off psyche meds.

I strongly recommend any Benzo. They are the perfect sledge hammer to take us... calm us down. They work wonders for tinnitus sufferers and many folks here would agree. They really helped me. I still suffer but I am in a much better place now and am not taking them... unless an emergency happens in the future.

I would contend, again not a doctor, that we are not suffering from depression but are depressed from a vicious physical abnormality, affliction, illness.

Go to your doctor asap and get some Benzos and see if they work... until you can stand on your own to feet again.

Cry, get your kids to hug and kiss you and don't give up until you have exhausted all possibilities.

Was that ok? Did I make any sense... praying for you brother Allan.

Sincerely, Daniel

Thank you Daniel. I have stepped down from a noose around my neck. I calmly said the Lords Prayer, put it around my neck and tightened it, sank down a little but could not through with it.

I burst into tears repeating that I cannot hurt my kids. There must be an easier way.

 

[JudyM]

I use Bose Sleepbuds for sleep. I don't use bedside markers because I feel like I have to set them too loud to mask my tinnitus well, I have never been able to sleep with them well. The sleepbuds have been great though, and since only I can hear them it's not a bother at all for my wife.

I am curious about these Bose sleepbuds...are you talking about the buds that have the 10 white noise options only? I have looked at these but am concerned that they may actually increase the tinnitus volume overtime.

 

[Michael Leigh]

I am curious about these Bose sleepbuds...are you talking about the buds that have the 10 white noise options only? I have looked at these but am concerned that they may actually increase the tinnitus volume overtime.

Although your tinnitus may not be "noise induced" I advise you not to use any type of headphones including Bose sleepbuds or similar devices, as you risk making your tinnitus louder and more intrusive. It is much better and safer, to use a standalone sound machine by the bedside, or use a pillow speaker and play low level nature sounds throughout the night for sound enrichment.

Michael

 

[John Mahan]

I am curious about these Bose sleepbuds...are you talking about the buds that have the 10 white noise options only? I have looked at these but am concerned that they may actually increase the tinnitus volume overtime.

Judy,
While I personally don't support earbud use, I am a big supporter of headphone use and use them everybody without aggravation to my tinnitus. They are perfectly safe and a myth Michael perpetrates on the community here that headphones are unsafe if listening at low volume levels. In fact, if not in pain due to hyperacusis, healthy sound exposure is good for the ears provided it is below 60dB to be perfectly safe. Sound avoidance can be bad for both tinnitus and hyperacusis. Key is moderation and rest...not sustained.

Unlike Michael, I perform my own tinnitus research, from which I glean data to make informed decisions.

A quick review of the protocol I use to draw my scientific conclusions:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...urce-the-internal-workings-of-tinnitus.36406/

Good luck

 

[JudyM]

Although your tinnitus may not be "noise induced" I advise you not to use any type of headphones including Bose sleepbuds or similar devices,

Thanks for this advice. I was thinking the same thing about those Bose earbuds although I have a friend who has tinnitus who keeps encouraging me to purchase. I'll continue using my white noise app. Judy

In fact, if not in pain due to hyperacusis healthy sound exposure is good for the ears provided it is below 60dB to be perfectly safe.

Appreciate your comparison of earbuds as opposed to headphones. I don't actually use either but on occasion..like flights...but flights will be a problem of it's own it seems. I will certainly do research on anything else I try before doing so. Judy

 

[Bndsmheowqhe]

Although your tinnitus may not be "noise induced" I advise you not to use any type of headphones including Bose sleepbuds or similar devices, as you risk making your tinnitus louder and more intrusive. It is much better and safer, to use a standalone sound machine by the bedside, or use a pillow speaker and play low level nature sounds throughout the night for sound enrichment.

Michael

"I advise you not to use any type of headphones including Bose sleepbuds or similar devices, as you risk making your tinnitus louder and more intrusive."

A sensible response. Not surprising that you were promptly attacked by our in house lunatic.

 

[John Mahan]

Thanks for this advice. I was thinking the same thing about those Bose earbuds although I have a friend who has tinnitus who keeps encouraging me to purchase. I'll continue using my white noise app. Judy


Appreciate your comparison of earbuds as opposed to headphones. I don't actually use either but on occasion..like flights...but flights will be a problem of it's own it seems. I will certainly do research on anything else I try before doing so. Judy

There is no scientific data to support Michael's claims. This is debated on this website consistently. Many believe...that a sound device well down into the ear canal like an earbud isn't the best for hearing but hard to prove as well. That said, personally I don't use buds but am a consistent headphone user and love them.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Appreciate your comparison of earbuds as opposed to headphones. I don't actually use either but on occasion..like flights...but flights will be a problem of it's own it seems. I will certainly do research on anything else I try before doing so. Judy

Some people with tinnitus use headphones, earbuds, sleephones etc without any problems. However, keep in mind that we are not all the same. Read @Allan1967 posts in this thread and the distress that he is going through at the moment with tinnitus. It is a very unforgiving and ruthless condition that has no mercy when it is severe. Why anyone would want to use headphones and risk making their tinnitus worse is beyond me. Your friend is playing with fire and you are right to careful.

All the best
Michael

 

[JohnAdams]

Also, many movies, games, etc are mixed where speech is very quiet and sound effects are very loud, there is no way to guarantee that what you are listening to won't jump in volume to a dangerous level. The worst example of this are Vines that crank the volume up real loud. Having the speaker right next to your ear just isn't a very good idea.

You can however use a dynamic range compressor to limit how loud the volume spikes like with this thing in Windows.

Why risk this though? Some of us can use head phones just fine, but like Michael has stated, others are far more prone to worsening their tinnitus and it is really reckless to claim that headphone use with hearing damage is safe.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Why risk this though? Some of us can use head phones just fine, but like Michael has stated, others are far more prone to worsening their tinnitus and it is really reckless to claim that headphone use with hearing damage is safe.

Well said @JohnAdams The things that I say about headphones and tinnitus are for good reason. I have the unfortunate experience of listening to people crying and asking for help when talking to me on the telephone, because their tinnitus has become worse due to headphone use. They are dangerous devices and should not be used by anyone that has tinnitus.

Michael

 

[John Mahan]

Well said @JohnAdams The things that I say about headphones and tinnitus are for good reason. I have the unfortunate experience of listening to people crying and asking for help when talking to me on the telephone, because their tinnitus has become worse due to headphone use. They are dangerous devices and should not be used by anyone that has tinnitus.

Michael

No again. You have no idea if:
a. their tinnitus got worse due to headphone usage because tinnitus spikes have many causalities.
and
b. their tinnitus got worse because the operator abused their ears due to listening to headphones at high volume.
(common) Blaming headphone usage for high volume listening is irresponsible.

You are the guy who ran out of gas in this car and believes his car stopped because of a bad battery.

PS: the stray man 'music crescendo' argument can apply to ANY sound source.

 

[Michael Leigh]

A sensible response. Not surprising that you were promptly attacked by our in house lunatic.

I know of whom you speak. This person has no experience of tinnitus and only had it for a very short while. Thankfully, this forum has the useful device called "ignore" and I make full use of it, so no longer have to read his posts.

Take care and thank you for your kind words.
Michael

 

[Daniel Lion]

Thank you Daniel. I have stepped down from a noose around my neck. I calmly said the Lords Prayer, put it around my neck and tightened it, sank down a little but could not through with it.

I burst into tears repeating that I cannot hurt my kids. There must be an easier way.

Thank goodness. Super glad to hear that.
Please try the benzo road as I suggested.
Perfect when anxieties are out of control.
Hot baths... get head massages from your family, keep crying and get it all out.
Please hang in there and keep trying.
Take sick leave if you can... start researching a disability payment... p.m. me anytime.
Slow and steady.
With love and a big hug, Daniel.

 

[spinnaker]

Also, many movies, games, etc are mixed where speech is very quiet and sound effects are very loud, there is no way to guarantee that what you are listening to won't jump in volume to a dangerous level. The worst example of this are Vines that crank the volume up real loud. Having the speaker right next to your ear just isn't a very good idea.

You can however use a dynamic range compressor to limit how loud the volume spikes like with this thing in Windows.
View attachment 31785

Where is this found in Windows?

 

[Harley]

So I'm torn between a rock and a hard place because the only way to achieve silence is to die, but to do that I'd have to commit suicide to be free of it, but would I be free of it if I went to Hell or was reborn to learn my lesson all over again.

Honestly I'm not quite sure what lesson this would be and why?
Just one single week of severe Tinnitus is more of a punishment and distress, than most people would experience in their whole lifetime.

Aside from child rapists and sadistic serial killers, nobody deserves this waking nightmare to be bestowed upon them.

 

[Dizzyhead888]

Two things that keep me going for now.

1. Things will be better tomorrow. I have had tinnitus for years. But it was always manageable. Literally overnight things changed. I was in very good shape. Just go finished with a bicycle tour of Mt Hood Oregon. Very proud of myself that I was able to climb that road on my bicycle at age 60. Then a few weeks later things took a turn for the far worse.

I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

2. I need to care for my 94 year old mom that has been suffering from arthritis for years. She is 100 million times more courageous and stronger than I am.

But I pray every night for God to either take us both or make me stronger so I can care for her.

It is getting more difficult by the day. I do know that I cannot stand to live the next 30 years like this. And I have suddenly no pleasure at all in my life other than the love for my mom.

My thoughts are similar to you. I wish death to myself, but wont commit suicide. I ask God to not wake up everyday and just be dead or if he can reduce it a bit to more manageable levels.

 

[Extreme]

I had to sign up to reply to some of you..... Have you tried the "Tinnitus retraining. A wearable device delivers individually programmed tonal music to mask the specific frequencies of the tinnitus you experience." (Mayo Clinic)?

One of you mentioned clenching during the night. Are you using a mouth guard to help your TMJ? There are also surgical procedures for TMJ.

Have you all had these done?
"A pitch match test to help your hearing care professional determine the approximate frequency of sound that you are hearing. For this exam, you will be asked to identify the pitch of your tinnitus as best as possible by comparing it to other sounds.
A loudness match test to quantify the level of the sound you are hearing, which could range from a whisper to a shout. It is more common for people to experience soft sounds than loud.
A visual analog scale to determine perceived loudness. Tinnitus is often perceived much louder than the decibel level that matches. On a scale from zero to 10, you'll be asked to scale the loudness. About 70 percent of patients will report a loudness value of six or higher." (Healthy Hearing)

You shouldn't try any random device. You should get a professional to determine as much as possible about the sounds you're hearing and what could mask that specific sound. Don't try any headphones, etc. unless a professional says to.

Those who mention pulsating and their heart beat, have you ruled out serious blood vessel or vascular conditions?

Apologies I didn't read through every single post. Feel free to ignore me if desired.

 

[Allan1967]

I'm not sure how long I can carry on for. I need to find a way to accept this as part of me again. Or else I am done for. I went to my local graveyard to read the headstones this morning then sat in an overgrown area reading Reddit stories on suicide survivors. I know if I kill myself, my family will be destroyed but I just can't face another 30 years of this. I don't want die though. I want live but I want to live at peace with myself. That's not necessarily without tinnitus, just at peace with it.

At the same time I know I'm 52. Anything could happen and I might not last 30 years. There's no control over this tinnitus nor life itself.

How do you resign yourself to this? Accept it as part of you and learn to live again, not tormented by this noise yet still able to hear it?

Please somebody help me.

 

[Michael Leigh]

At the same time I know I'm 52. Anything could happen and I might not last 30 years. There's no control over this tinnitus nor life itself.

How do you resign yourself to this? Accept it as part of you and learn to live again, not tormented by this noise yet still able to hear it?

Please somebody help me.

HI @Allan1967

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I have been reluctant to giving you advice on Neuromond and advised you to have a word with them which you have done. However, you are clearly in a state of much distress and if I were in your situation then I would stop using Neuromod for a while.
Also have a talk with your GP about how you feel.

Take care and hope you start to feel better soon.
Michael

 

[Agrajag364]

I'm not sure how long I can carry on for. I need to find a way to accept this as part of me again. Or else I am done for. I went to my local graveyard to read the headstones this morning then sat in an overgrown area reading Reddit stories on suicide survivors. I know if I kill myself, my family will be destroyed but I just can't face another 30 years of this. I don't want die though. I want live but I want to live at peace with myself. That's not necessarily without tinnitus, just at peace with it.

At the same time I know I'm 52. Anything could happen and I might not last 30 years. There's no control over this tinnitus nor life itself.

How do you resign yourself to this? Accept it as part of you and learn to live again, not tormented by this noise yet still able to hear it?

Please somebody help me.

Allan, please hold on for your family. Anything could happen, you could get an improvement in your tinnitus for all sorts of reasons. Is your tinnitus currently spiked from Lenire? Either way, I can see it must be extra unsettling trying that when you are so on the edge mentally.