Suicidal

[PeteJ]

You misunderstood me my friend. I meant it used to be a trivial noise for me with my old tinnitus.

It is now a huge concern in my daily life.

My tinnitus also spiked a week ago after tripping on my shower curtain and making a big noise near my ear. It is also the biggest spike in a decade for me. Funny as we spiked same time.

I hope it goes down for both of us.

Oh, okay, sorry for my misunderstanding. Yeah, it's weird how some noises are fine but others spike it. Then, you always fear which will worsen it, permanently. The noise of the TV sound being too loud was especially bad because of proximity but the only potential positive is I have been exposed to loud noises near me.

A smoke alarm in my apartment accidentally went on. A fire alarm was pulled not too long ago. Both were within the last couple of months and of course, both resulted in spikes. I managed to cover my ears but was exposed to the noise for several (or at least, a few) seconds. My tinnitus did return to baseline but each noise spiking my tinnitus is a major concern.

 

[Stacken77]

I died in 2019, except instead of actually dying, I had to witness losing everything: my wife, career, ability to talk, ability to leave my house, ability to take earmuffs off, ability to do anything with any noise, ability to sit in peace, ability to think straight, ability to shower in peace, ability to drive, ability to ride in a car, ability to take walks.

I can never imagine the hell you're going through. I have pretty bad sound sensitivity and reactivity of the tinnitus, but not to the extent you're describing, but I have loads of sympathy for you, and do know I sincerely hope the best for you.

Please forgive me for this thoughtless question, but since you have such severe debilitating hyperacusis, if suicide really becomes imminent, have you considered having the auditory nerves cut? I know it's extreme, potentially causing catastrophic tinnitus, not being able to hear at all, but wouldn't it potentially ease a lot of constraints on your life? I know though that we all cling on for future potential treatment, hopefully with complete remission, which would no longer be beneficial if the above is done. Do know I ask in good faith.

All the best to you,
Stacken

 

[Iman KS]

@ASilverLight, I know how you feel. I'm 24 as well. Just makes you wonder why me and why now? But honestly we just have to keep going on.

A couple of days ago I was at my lowest as some members know. It's definitely good to keep the mind occupied and not think about useless shit like I was. It's hard. I've lost friends and I've started to isolate myself, but I make an effort to go out even if it's for a quiet drive. It hurts though when I start thinking about the future such as dating, marriage, kids, car, house, money, clothes, all used to mean something to me. Now I just don't care. Good thing is I've stopped spending so much money which is a bonus to be honest.

But yeah we just got to keep going, even if it is a shit life.

hi!
We are the same age
I think about all this too
be strong ...

 

[PeteJ]

You misunderstood me my friend. I meant it used to be a trivial noise for me with my old tinnitus.

It is now a huge concern in my daily life.

My tinnitus also spiked a week ago after tripping on my shower curtain and making a big noise near my ear. It is also the biggest spike in a decade for me. Funny as we spiked same time.

I hope it goes down for both of us.

Now, four days of particular hell... I don't know how an accidental but brief noise can do this! (spike).

My TV and computer is coordinated perfectly for sound now. Too damn late! It probably would have been just an annoyance for someone with normal functioning (inner) ears.

:-( I think my right ear and right side of my brain is worse. I have noticed or think I perceive a difference in volume/severity or it's so much louder than the left although it seems to resonate in volume so loudly, it's like it's 'hitting through my brain" from my ear, right one especially. Is there a technical/scientific term or description (tinnitus related) for that? My ear pain is also kinda bad.

The right ear difference existed even before, though.

Damn, I need it to go back to baseline and baseline was its own hell but it seems worse now.

There's a lot of tones, too. I can't tell how many but more than three, for sure.

I was wondering how bad your spikes are/were. Did you or do you have a lot but was able to expect them to diminish from experience? Did you perceive or note it worsen or go back to baseline? I mean, did you perceive it immediately as it happened?

I need to use a loud box fan now or I can't sleep at all. I hate this! :-(

 

[Exit]

I got more tones than I can keep track on. Over 10...

Three reactive ones are the suicidal ideation ones...

 

[Jazzer]

God, please kill me. Just do it you piece of shit.

Sincerely,
Zug

At times I've also prayed for this... x

 

[weab00]

Well boyos, it's been 10 months with hyperacusis and things aren't looking too good.

I've accepted that this is my new life now; no more concerts, parties, restaurants, movies, etc etc. Constant sacrifices and compromises and I'm still left with a shitty, disabled life. I'm only a teenager, so I don't know how I'm going to keep this up for the rest of my life. It seems like I should be enjoying my youth right now, but instead I'm basically housebound. Right now voices cause distortion tones in my ears. I won't get into all the nitty gritty because this would become a 5-paragraph essay, but let's just say my life has been flipped upside down since getting hyperacusis. No one really gets it either, the best they can do is try and sympathize based on my descriptions and whatever they read online.

Someone please tell me it gets better, because I've been getting super fatalistic about everything recently.

How am I going to go back to school in September? What do I do with my life now? I don't wanna kill myself, but I'm not enjoying life much either, so I'm in a sort of purgatory. Thanks for reading.

 

[Stacken77]

How am I going to go back to school in September? What do I do with my life now? I don't wanna kill myself, but I'm not enjoying life much either, so I'm in a sort of purgatory. Thanks for reading.

I'm so very sorry to hear that. I consider myself having pretty bad loudness hyperacusis where, e.g. typing on a keyboard or creaking in the floor makes me jump, so I go around in earplugs all day every day. Despite this, I've recently landed my dream job where I pretty much can work in silence for 80% of the day and then be in meetings for 20%. The meetings do spike me, as conversations and almost everything else do, but I'm hoping I may plateau in my symptoms.

Do you have loudness or pain hyperacusis? Can you mitigate uncomfortable noises using hearing protection?

Regarding school, that can get rather noisy with all students. The college I recently went to do have a department which accommodates students with disabilities. Maybe you could get some support from the school so you still could graduate?

 

[Simon85]

Hey @weab00, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. I'm not sure that people will fully understand and I know it's tough. Are there any quiet activities you enjoy and can try to throw yourself into? Distraction is valuable.

I've been doing more programming side projects lately when I have some spare time, much less on the music side.

10 months is still relatively early days too.

 

[Óscar PP]

Well boyos, it's been 10 months with hyperacusis and things aren't looking too good.

I've accepted that this is my new life now; no more concerts, parties, restaurants, movies, etc etc. Constant sacrifices and compromises and I'm still left with a shitty, disabled life. I'm only a teenager, so I don't know how I'm going to keep this up for the rest of my life. It seems like I should be enjoying my youth right now, but instead I'm basically housebound. Right now voices cause distortion tones in my ears. I won't get into all the nitty gritty because this would become a 5-paragraph essay, but let's just say my life has been flipped upside down since getting hyperacusis. No one really gets it either, the best they can do is try and sympathize based on my descriptions and whatever they read online.

Someone please tell me it gets better, because I've been getting super fatalistic about everything recently.

How am I going to go back to school in September? What do I do with my life now? I don't wanna kill myself, but I'm not enjoying life much either, so I'm in a sort of purgatory. Thanks for reading.

Would wearing earplugs 24/7 help in any way? I'd honestly rather be totally deaf than have tinnitus... I wish I could trade my tinnitus for hyperacusis.

 

[Jazzer]

I died in 2019, except instead of actually dying, I had to witness losing everything: my wife, career, ability to talk, ability to leave my house, ability to take earmuffs off, ability to do anything with any noise, ability to sit in peace, ability to think straight, ability to shower in peace, ability to drive, ability to ride in a car, ability to take walks.

I lost my house, my chance at fatherhood, my capacity to predict my future with any accuracy, my sanity.

I died. Maybe if I get past this somehow, I will change my name to Zug Zug and start fresh because the dude that was an up and coming mathematician and married to the love of his life -- well, that guy's dead.

As far as actual suicide, my survival instinct is too strong, so I'll probably stick around just wallowing in sorrow like the disability faker that I am.

Dear ZugZug.

I pressed on the quote button - and now hardly know what to say.

I am 78 years old, and had a good life until seven years ago, when severe tinnitus struck me down. I am not equating myself with your experience, except to say that I recognise myself in your mindset. The circumstances are different of course.
I was a classy, successful jazz trombonist, first call for five bands, plus leading a band of my own. Financially secure.

I lost my silence, my lifelong passion, my music, my identity, my ability to pay our family bills, my health because there is a causal link between hearing loss, tinnitus, and Parkinson's disease.

My lovely wife, an embroidery designer, turned her hand to doing credit control to pay our bills. She worked up until a few weeks before she died. Last November I lost Sylvie, to cancer.

Even though tinnitus was hateful, she made my supreme efforts to live worthwhile. I didn't just love her - I adored her.

But now I do not wish to go on. I have children, grandchildren, and three wonderful pussycats that love me and depend on me.

How can I choose to inflict more pain on them?

So what can I do? The only way forward I can see for any of us that suffer this hateful condition is some kind of stoical acceptance.

I wish for peace for all of us.
Some forlorn hope - I know.

Dave xx
Jazzer

 

[TheDanishGirl]

How can I give myself cancer? Seriously...
I dare whoever is in charge of this world to give me terminal cancer. Bring it!

 

[Stacken77]

I wish I could trade my tinnitus for hyperacusis.

This may be controversial, but I don't think you'd want to trade your tinnitus for hyperacusis, at least if the tinnitus doesn't get progressively worse. I think one may habituate to severe tinnitus, even if it takes years, but one cannot habituate to severe hyperacusis, it is not possible, the limits it poses on one's life are hard limits that we cannot compromise with while tinnitus alone can to quite an extent be dealt with through mental resiliency.

Just my thoughts though.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Would wearing earplugs 24/7 help in any way? I'd honestly rather be totally deaf than have tinnitus... I wish I could trade my tinnitus for hyperacusis.

Only a person who hasn't experienced hyperacusis would say that. Trust me, you do not want this instead! If it gets bad enough you can't talk, can barely eat/drink, shower, even breathe without it causing more intense pain.

 

[Brian P]

How can I give myself cancer? Seriously...
I dare whoever is in charge of this world to give me terminal cancer. Bring it!

Eating poorly and getting solid doses of radiation is a good start.

 

[HeavyMantra]

How can I give myself cancer? Seriously...
I dare whoever is in charge of this world to give me terminal cancer. Bring it!

Doesn't sound like the best way to go.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Doesn't sound like the best way to go.

Neither is suicide, but I'm too much of a wuss to be able to pull that off. I just want something to take me out, of which I am in no control. I'm done.

 

[Óscar PP]

Only a person who hasn't experienced hyperacusis would say that. Trust me, you do not want this instead! If it gets bad enough you can't talk, can barely eat/drink, shower, even breathe without it causing more intense pain.

Okay, that level of hyperacusis sounds way worse than my tinnitus.

I did experience hyperacusis, but it consisted of pain when hearing certain sounds like cutlery and plates clanking together or the sound of doors shutting. I'd definitely trade that one for my tinnitus.

 

[Exit]

Neither is suicide, but I'm too much of a wuss to be able to pull that off. I just want something to take me out, of which I am in no control. I'm done.

Sending you a huge suicidal hug.

 

[HeavyMantra]

Neither is suicide, but I'm too much of a wuss to be able to pull that off. I just want something to take me out, of which I am in no control. I'm done.

I see what you mean. I could never take my own life because people depend on me, love me and so on. Getting cancer would take the "blame" away from me. Still, my aim is to survive this horrible condition until old age. But let's just say most of the time, the fact that death will at some point release me from this existence is the most comforting thought I have.

 

[weab00]

I wish I could trade my tinnitus for hyperacusis.

Try having both lol.

 

[pleasejuststop]

It's just a matter of when and how. I need the access and the overriding of survival instinct. I've had the stages with of no survival instinct, but the access to a method is more elusive. I wish I could be euthanized.

 

[Lurius]

I sometimes get the feeling that I'm sending off vibes that I'm doing really well. I had 3 amazing weeks in June where I even had silence.

Let me put it out there, I am NOT doing well. I went from the worst tinnitus period of my life, to the best to a period that's even worse. I just came out of the shower. It's the middle of the night. That's the 2nd time I've had to abort sleep this week in order to manage my tinnitus.

I've repeated again and again that my tinnitus is not reactive. Well, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I sleep in the same room as my fridge. Ever since I habituated to the sound of my fridge sometime in 2019, it hasn't bothered me at all. It's been a non-issue. Well, just 30 minutes ago, the sound of the fridge bothered me so much that I felt like screaming very, very loudly and I was 5 seconds away from pulling the plug on it. When it finally shut up and went quiet again, the quiet made my tinnitus seem 100 times worse and I then got a new sound in my right ear.

I can't sleep with this racket but at the same time, I'm insanely tired as I haven't gotten any quality sleep in 4 or 5 days.

I'm having serious suicidal thoughts now and if my brain keeps being this volatile, unstable and crazy I think I will go through with it this summer. Not sleeping at all for such a long time makes me unable to enjoy life in any way, shape or form. Intense sounds like the one from my fridge seems to spike my tinnitus now, but so does silence. So sleeping seems to be out of the question for me now.

I don't know how to go on with this and I also know that contacting my doctor or the ENT will do fuck-all. My doctor is the one who gave me the medicine that started all of this in the first place and he doesn't even acknowledge tinnitus as a problem. He seems to think I get mild tinnitus occasionally....

I'm going to contact Dirk De Ridder and see how fast I can get a conversation with him tomorrow. I seriously need help. I'm more scared of living than of dying now.

 

[Exit]

Doesn't sound like the best way to go.

Agreed.

It's just a matter of when and how. I need the access and the overriding of survival instinct. I've had the stages with of no survival instinct, but the access to a method is more elusive. I wish I could be euthanized.

For me it will be a building or eating a big calibre bullet.

I sometimes get the feeling that I'm sending off vibes that I'm doing really well. I had 3 amazing weeks in June where I even had silence.

Let me put it out there, I am NOT doing well. I went from the worst tinnitus period of my life, to the best to a period that's even worse. I just came out of the shower. It's the middle of the night. That's the 2nd time I've had to abort sleep this week in order to manage my tinnitus.

I've repeated again and again that my tinnitus is not reactive. Well, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I sleep in the same room as my fridge. Ever since I habituated to the sound of my fridge sometime in 2019, it hasn't bothered me at all. It's been a non-issue. Well, just 30 minutes ago, the sound of the fridge bothered me so much that I felt like screaming very, very loudly and I was 5 seconds away from pulling the plug on it. When it finally shut up and went quiet again, the quiet made my tinnitus seem 100 times worse and I then got a new sound in my right ear.

I can't sleep with this racket but at the same time, I'm insanely tired as I haven't gotten any quality sleep in 4 or 5 days.

I'm having serious suicidal thoughts now and if my brain keeps being this volatile, unstable and crazy I think I will go through with it this summer. Not sleeping at all for such a long time makes me unable to enjoy life in any way, shape or form. Intense sounds like the one from my fridge seems to spike my tinnitus now, but so does silence. So sleeping seems to be out of the question for me now.

I don't know how to go on with this and I also know that contacting my doctor or the ENT will do fuck-all. My doctor is the one who gave me the medicine that started all of this in the first place and he doesn't even acknowledge tinnitus as a problem. He seems to think I get mild tinnitus occasionally....

I'm going to contact Dirk De Ridder and see how fast I can get a conversation with him tomorrow. I seriously need help. I'm more scared of living than of dying now.

We're very tired too.

Wish it was a cheap fridge with tinnitus sounds instead of our heads, I wouldn't have trouble pulling the plug on that one.

 

[Simon85]

I haven't gotten any quality sleep in 4 or 5 days.

It may be worthwhile to lean on some sleeping pills in the short term - perhaps just for a week. Insomnia makes everything worse. I don't like sleeping pills but you'll need to sleep.

 

[AliasM]

How are you @roy1159?

 

[pleasejuststop]

Agreed.

For me it will be a building or eating a big calibre bullet.

We're very tired too.

Wish it was a cheap fridge with tinnitus sounds instead of our heads, I wouldn't have trouble pulling the plug on that one.

It will probably be a building for me too. I just wish I knew when, because it would be a lot more comforting to have a date when I know I'll be free from this all. The uncertainty and the feeling of being trapped is so horrible.

 

[Brian P]

They have books on the subject which you may look up.

 

[Exit]

It will probably be a building for me too. I just wish I knew when, because it would be a lot more comforting to have a date when I know I'll be free from this all. The uncertainty and the feeling of being trapped is so horrible.

If we just could go outside and at least live normal there, it would have been only half as bad... It's horrible...

I see you've been suffering longer than me. Actually one of your suicidal posts were from around the time I was stupid and ruined my last chance of happiness. I have other conditions that have stopped me from living a fulfilling life for the last 10-15 years but at least I could go out or stay inside without fear.

Still even if I had hope I often found myself imagining jumping over the fence whenever I was high up.. It used to scare me a lot, so I walked close to walls and such, trying to shake the thoughts away. I guess it was some sort of creepy destiny my subconscious always knew... :/

I don't see the date as important, in my mind I feel relief that I can do it whenever I want. Preferably I'll stay a few more years so my mum doesn't have to bury me.

Has it been as awful as today since 2015 for you...? Do you have many sounds? Loud? Hyperacusis or problems with hearing?

My sounds just keep getting worse as if it's a disease and not a one time noise trauma.

 

[Óscar PP]

I had 3 amazing weeks in June where I even had silence.

Man I'd give out a testicle in exchange for periods of silence, no matter how short they are.