It's statistically impossible to be born, yet we are here. Ever since this happened to me, I've been getting very philosophical. I was literally born in Paradise, but I never realized it.
This video is very thought-provoking to me.
I'm the son of a narcissistic millionaire who constantly lied to me, beat me up, and cheated on my mom. I believe I got my Asperger's and BPD from her side. She just never shuts up. I lived a decent life until I was 13 years old, then I was told we had no money whenever I asked for anything. Over time, I made plans to rob stores and people with friends who had no money either. I committed only minor thefts, nothing major. I never knew we were millionaires or my father made a lot of money. I was also taught by my mother to hate whatever it is that my father does for a living and never work with him or never work at all because she didn't want her son to work because we were richer than the rest of society. I was born in a poor country, and I always wanted to get away and find a decent job somewhere abroad. Over time, the treatment I received at home and me being the way I was drove me crazy, I guess. On top of that, I had a video game addiction that I wasn't able to stop. I was playing games instead of studying. I made lots of mistakes. I rejected every girl who was interested in me and chased after the ones who weren't. After a while, these pent-up sexual desires drove me to be hypersexual, which led me to contract prostatitis and the subsequent use of fluoroquinolone antibiotics, Mirtazapine, and some other stuff right after that. My brain is so messed up I don't think even the worst sufferer on Tinnitus Talk can understand what I'm dealing with daily. I don't sleep or get tired, and the result is psychosis on the following day. I am in constant pain all the time with visual snow.
I have made many mistakes and tried so many times to escape my house. But after a while, I reached maturity and accepted my life as what it was. I was ready to be under complete service to my family. And then something like this happens. There is no future for me anymore. They never tell you that oral sex can cause problems, devastating problems. They always ask you to trust the doctors, and these meds they give you are pretty much harmless, or the harms don't last long term. I have made horrible life choices; however, I was ready to turn my life around, and I found God on my own terms as well before all this. I got punished the moment I found God, so I don't see how this is possible. I have ruined my future because of my sexual desires. I thought the worst that could happen was HIV, but I was wrong.
I never realized how lucky we were; all of us were lucky. People died in horrible ways in the past. They died working at farms because of sunstroke. They stepped on something, and they died. Something bit them, and they died. They died of diseases in wars. You name it. They had to work on the bone to feed themselves. No proper homes, no heating, nothing. I've always considered myself to have the worst life possible due to my Asperger's, yet I realized I was being ungrateful.
Early on I said it's impossible for us to be here. Think about it. Remove just one ancestor from your lineage, and you will stop existing. If only one other sperm cell fertilized your mother's egg, maybe your consciousness would not emerge, and there would be someone else in your place. Many things had to come into the perfect position for everyone to exist. So, statistically, every individual is an anomaly, yet we are here.
Then again, you also have to factor in all the laws of the universe that allowed us humans to exist in the first place. Change only one of them slightly, and all life would perish. Isn't this ridiculous to think about?
Energy cannot be created, only transformed, so in order for us to exist, we have always had to exist from the beginning of everything.
My body is damaged from head to toe, and I won't tell you why I want to keep that a secret for now. When walking on the street in Thailand one day, I told myself I needed to care for my eyes, brain, and ears because they were the only remaining things left. And I took great care of them. I promised a friend to let go of my promiscuous ways because every time I did something risky, I told him that I would jeopardize my sleep and my silence. As long as I had these two, my sleep and my silence, I could do anything in life, no matter how hard it was. I value the things God decided to test me with the most. How is that a coincidence now? A month before this happened to me, I found out that Bruce Lee died because of a pill he took for his headaches. I could not wrap my head around the fact that he was killed by a pharmaceutical drug, and shortly after, a similar thing happened to me. I was constantly cursing God and praying for him to take my life because I made so many mistakes. Is this a way for him to grant my wish? I wonder...
I don't believe that anything is a coincidence anymore. All I'm asking for is either to reincarnate me as an orphan and allow me to do hard labor jobs so that I will work and make my own money without anybody holding me down or bring me back to this life again without autism or any of the other mental problems I suffered from so that I could excel at my own life.
But most likely, nothing else awaits us but eternal Oblivion. I was such a waste of life. And I received my punishment for it.
Even after all that, I love my family because most of my problems come down to me being sick in the head. I should have learned to ignore their faults—everyone has faults—and shouldn't have searched for love in someone else's arms.
Guys, I can't hold on anymore. I can't wait ten years for potential treatments. I don't know what to do.
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It's all about pushing out content and consuming it instead of actually enjoying it 
