Suicidal

Some people have gotten visual snow that they attributed to being on certain medications, like Mirtazapine. So, if you are on any, that's another thought. Neurological conditions can make it more likely.

 

Okay, I will try this. The only time I will be on my phone is for trading or communication purposes.

I am on no medications as of the moment.

 

I don't at all discount the withdrawal symptoms experienced by folks on benzos.

My experience has been somewhat different. I took 1.5 mg Clonazapam (Klonopin) for about three years. I had very little trouble titrating down to zero over two months or so. I think I reduced by 1/4 mg each week. It was child's play compared to slowly coming off Percocet after just 10 days of use post hip-surgery. Even though I titrated down slowly, I had night sweats and felt like hell for close to six weeks.

My biggest issue with stopping the Klonopin was an increase in tinnitus volume perhaps two months after stopping. Who knows if the issue was stopping the Klonopin or not. I now take 1 mg of Klonopin about 9 pm every day. I had been using 1.5 mg and decided after speaking with the ENT to revert back to 1 mg. Again, very little difficulty in reducing the dosage.

I would say if someone is close to suicide, Klonopin and maybe also Gabapentin is worth a shot. Better than killing oneself.

Having a compassionate doctor, whether GP, neurologist, or ENT who can prescribe and also discuss questions and concerns would be ideal.

Note: It is worth noting that some folks on the forum have reported using Klonopin on an as-needed basis. My psychopharmacologist was adamant about taking the same dose every night. Obviously, long term every day use is much more likely to create a habit. Intermittent use could be worth discussing with a doctor, although the drug is not recommended to be taken as Aspirin.

 

So, my prayers have somewhat been answered. Which entails dying a natural death, as I can't seem to off myself by my own hand.

I have just been diagnosed with colon cancer. I don't know if it's terminal or not yet. I don't know what I have to go through yet either or if it's worth it. I don't feel the psychological relief I'd thought I'd have. A lot of pain involved and bleeding profusely from my behind. Nothing compared to living with noxacusis though.

Survival mode is setting in. Why won't it ever stop?

 

I'm sorry to hear this. It is sad news and a lot for you to deal with.

 

So sorry to hear this dear friend, sending you my thoughts and wishing you the strength to get through it all.

 

Sending you love and hugs my friend.

Daniel

 

Thank you Daniel.

I just tested positive for COVID-19 as well.

How the fuck can one endure this.

 

Hang in there. 8 years ago, I had colon surgery for pre-cancerous polyps. They had to remove 1 ft. The bleeding may be just large polyps. Perhaps they can just remove the bad portion of the colon.

As far as the tinnitus goes, try a set of hearing aids.They have reduced my tinnitus from around a 9 to a 2!

 

I tried a set for one hour, to play some sound enrichment quietly. Now for the past 3 weeks I have had a tremendous setback, catastrophic tinnitus 70% of the time, pushing me closer to suicide than ever.

If one has reactivity and/or hyperacusis, I'd strongly recommend not trying hearing aids.

 

You hold the record for endurance, on par with JOB.

I am so sorry my friend. I pray things get better and your pain lessens.

Your essence is the photo of you on the tractor. Free, happy and loved. That is the real you, don't forget that or be deceived even by your suffering. I was thinking of you last night. I love you my friend.

Side note on possible therapies:

Guided meditations with female voices from YouTube. Breath work. See if your doctor can get some MDMA for small dosing when you're with family. Morphine may be in order for pain.

Peace out, stay in touch.

 

It is torture. I want to die. I never will be happy when it continues. Taking silence from me was just too much. I want it to end.

 

Thank you from all my heart my friend.

I can feel your love.

You are a great, great person

 

Ahh dude. You are too kind. Same feelings for you too my brother and friend.

Stay in touch and I hope things get better.

DL

 

I want to offer a bit of support in saying that things can improve. In my case, the first year was absolutely brutal and I didn't know how I would make it through catastrophic hyperacusis and tinnitus. I lost tons of weight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, couldn't drive, closed the storm windows in the summer even though I didn't have air conditioning because even crickets and other people's air conditioners sounded like Boeing 747s.

It's 12 years later and I still have tinnitus, ranging from moderate to severe, worsened by acoustic trauma that spiked things a year ago. But it is MUCH better than the first year. The hyperacusis is gone, although I'm still sensitive to really loud sounds like power tools (and always wear protection if I am using the blender or vacuuming).

One game changer during the first year was getting maskers. They are idiotically expensive but being able to blend in sound to take the edge off the tinnitus was huge for me.

I also own hearing aids / maskers to play ocean waves or other soothing sounds through Bluetooth. This is even more soothing. The pair I have is made by Phonak. I got them through Treble Health which is online. They do have a crew of audiologists who are compassionate and may be able to offer useful tips for coping. (Their advertising is overstated in my view, but sometimes having a professional, in this case an audiologist, with whom one can talk can be helpful.) I don't mean to sound like an ad for them, but getting some kind of support system going was important for me and this is an online option.

Other options might be a craniosacral therapist, acupuncture (I only found 1 out of about 8 I tried who was able to help, but they can calm down the nervous system), massage for self-care and relaxation, warm soothing foods like soups in the winter, anything that you find comforting, although best to avoid ice cream, too many sweets, and too much caffeine that gets one wired.

A compassionate ENT (also not easy to find) might be able to help. The drug Gabapentin has been shown by some studies to reduce tinnitus. There is a thread on Tinnitus Talk about Gabapentin and Lidocaine with useful info. You would need a doctor's prescription and the treatment dose in one study was quite high, but it could be worth exploring given how difficult things sound for you right now. A neurologist or knowledgeable GP might be willing to prescribe it, if the ENT won't.

I found playing acoustic guitar for hours a day was useful. It almost put me in a trance type state just so I could make it through the day.

Good luck.

 

Hang in there somehow. It will take a year, maybe two, but by that time you will look back and realize that the onset time was just a phase you have to go through.

Peace Bro.

 

Mine is significantly worse after three years. Reactivity to even the slightest noise in each ear (fans, cars, wind, etc.) has given me suicidal thoughts every day since March 21, 2021. I really feel like I'm not capable of living the life I want to live like this. I can't even be in crowded rooms anymore. My entire life was dedicated to travel, experience, and bettering myself. Now, I can just sit at home for hours each day except for when I am at work, and being at work is actual torture.

I hate when others say, "It won't kill you." Of course, it won't. Losing a leg doesn't kill you. Losing your sight doesn't kill you. But it does kill futures and dreams. It forces you to change your trajectory toward a life you don't want to live. This has butchered my hopes. It has crippled me, and no one sees it. I am at its mercy. I have lost connection to the world.

 

I feel you. I've been where you are for going on 8 years and nothing has improved. I had to quit the job at 57 and I hope the money lasts. The only thing I have left is acceptance. It sucks and it only continues to suck.

 

Well, I'm 33 and have six-digit debt. I have no family to rely on. I have to work, to torture myself, to survive another day of torture tomorrow.

 

For me, it was about being able to focus, design, document and debug the new surgical instruments manufacturing line I created, used by the company's robot, as a New Product Introduction (NPI) Engineer. When I could no longer focus and became paranoid that I would be fired, I could no longer do the work (which I loved).

In a way, I was lucky that I could retire. But I'd rather be working any job, instead of living like a hermit.

 

It’s becoming unfeasible for me, but I have little to no safeguards for income here in the US. I would be relegated to poverty for life.

Currently, I am barely capable of paying attention in work meetings. Every day I tell myself “this is it. I can’t do this for another day.”

Each day I ride the bus over a bridge and think “maybe today.”

 

I feel for everyone with this affliction. Mine is very severe now. I often contemplate ending it, although I believe its wrong and my family would be grieved but my mental suffering is so high aswell as my physical exhaustion right now. This past year has been the worst. Only God can help me. I try to keep fighting and holding on.

 

I have wanted to die for more than a year. Even though my tinnitus has improved over time, I will never be able to accept it, it is so tormenting.

 

I think my tinnitus may have increased. It made me realize that it's a night and day difference between mild and severe tinnitus.

 

I fucking hate this. Yes, I had some better days, but the bad days are horrible. And I truly do not believe in a lasting improvement. I think it's going to be back and forth between "maybe tolerable" and "should I kill myself today or not" state. Until something happens (noise trauma, illness) that will bring it up to a level where it is no longer tolerable.

I wonder if I will gather courage to end it in a methodical planned manner. I somehow doubt it. I expect it will be a spur of a moment thing, where I will get so pissed or desperate, I will just pull the trigger. I can see why firearms are popular.

 

Tinnitus is literal hell. As much as life is a gift, I wouldn't mind being dead.

 

I walked into the automatic to pick up my car from repair, completely oblivious that there would be an impact drill going off 20-30 feet from me. I had 26SNR custom earplugs in. I didn't want to embarrass myself, so I paid and was exposed a couple more times while in the office room, and then to the air compressor.

I'm usual very well prepared, and I don't usually panic, but this felt like a huge hit. Having TTTS to sounds that don't usual cause it. Ears feel kind of full and 'clicky'.

FML. I've got too much hardship going on in my life right now to handle another worsening.

 

Same. I can't wait to be dead.

 

Tinnitus is killing me...

 

I am hoping it will be easier and more accepted for tinnitus sufferers to be approved for VAD. No one should have to endure such torture and at the same time contemplate methods of suicide!

The world needs to recognize that tinnitus for many people is worse than a terminal cancer diagnosis (I would prefer cancer and no tinnitus).

And my stupid therapist needs to understand that it is not depression when I tell her these things. It is MY REALITY and no amount of antidepressant can change that so she can shove that suggestion.