Suicidal

Preach, sister. As I wrote in a profile post to you, it's all about surviving, but even that requires some hope. At least for me.

As for VAD, tinnitus seems fairly straightforward with Pegasos, though requirement for recently issued birth and marriage certificates (with official translation) is a serious drag for someone like me, who does not live in the country of birth. In the end I concluded the aggravation, travel and cost is not worth it, might as well DIY when the time comes.

 

I don’t come here often but the amount of suffering is insane.

@Pinhead and everyone else, I wish I could help all of you. Your stories are incredible. Reading all of your posts I feel like that guy in Green Mile. I can feel what you are going through so much. I can feel it. My heart and soul are broken.

 

It is a torment. I hope tinnitus will stop.

 

I was going to say something stupid, but refrained. I do everything possible until some inevitable disease takes me. I wrote this five years ago and am still struggling. I've got leukemia now, unfortunately it seems to be chronic, but it's knocked the sh** out of my energy level so I feel pretty much like death warmed over. I've got an essential occupation so I have to keep going.

Life is wonderful, /snark.

 

It was for me. Now it is a nightmare I want to end.

 

Tinnitus is killing me, I hate it. I hate my life with it. I want it to go away now, or die.

 

This is the saddest part. I truly enjoyed life. Even with all the mistakes I made, trials and tribulations.

The suffering caused by tinnitus and hyperacusis is just too much. It's a wait for something to happen. Either things will get better or worse. The status quo won't last forever. What will break the camel's back?

Suicide is the saddest way to to end one's life. Nothing sadder.

 

When I first developed hyperacusis (at a catastrophic level along with catastrophic tinnitus), it took many months for the hyperacusis to diminish. I don't know if this was due to the treatments I tried or if it might have diminished on its own. Crossing my fingers that at least the hyperacusis resolves in your case. Having to deal with both was for me beyond debilitating.

 

I keep reading about folks with severe tinnitus and suicidal thoughts. Some say it took them like 4 years to stop having these thoughts, and like 10 years later they ignore their (still severe) tinnitus.

So many more years of torture. One can say, well it is worth it, you can't undo death. But it is so hard to think I may need to go for years with the torture. And there is no guarantee it will get better (in any sense of better). It might, it might not.

Meaning, purpose of life, yada, yada. I just barely function and survive day by day. Work has been helping, but it is not a solution, really, especially as it has been stressful and frustrating. I guess I am struggling more because it is a damn (long) weekend. I guess it should be a clue to get involved in something else outside work. But hyperacusis is so limiting.

I don't know why I am writing this.

 

This is why it is also crucial your tinnitus is stable and not constantly worsening, because it just restarts the clock over and over.

 

I'm glad you're writing it mate. I feel exactly the same, just existing at the minute, so just to read others like yourself feeling the same makes me feel not quite as bad.

Sending you hope and thoughts as always.

 

I get so angry at (physically healthy by their own admission) people moaning and talking suicide because of looming layoffs in my corp. WTF is wrong with people. They know shit about hardship in life.

 

Are they out of their minds? I was laid off a number of times during my working years and had a great time while collecting unemployment insurance, and having a long, paid vacation. We used to call unemployment benefits, the "Fresh Air Fund", lol.

 

1000% this.

 

I was on unemployment compensation once during my life, but it only paid 30% of what my regular income was. With all the high inflation in recent years, so many people are just scraping by as it is, so unemployment compensation leaves them short. Plus it's limited - to 6 months where I live. Thankfully, that wasn't an issue for me.

 

I collected the maximum for two years during Obama's term, it was half of my salary, if I remember correctly. Right now, the max you can collect in NYS is about $504.00. New Jersey is up to $830.00! Even five hundred a week for doing nothing is great. Three hundred, not so much, unless you have saved in advance for getting laid off.

 

Mine was almost exactly 30%, plus it's still fully taxable at fed and state. Definitely better than nothing, and I had enough of a cushion in savings, it wasn't an issue. But I know there are a lot of paycheck to paycheck workers out there that would have it hard taking even a smaller cut in income.

It's close to $600 per week here for no dependents, but that's gross before taxes, and the max is 6 months.

 

Really having a bad time today and yesterday. Both ears have basically left me housebound. I’m turning down all social events. Totally absent from my own life now.

 

Are you working from home @Pinhead or just stuck in completely? Wish I had more to offer you.

 

I have met many people getting very emotional over smaller things like missing an Amazon delivery. I wish the biggest discomfort of my life was just that.

I wonder what keeps some people here going, because the long road ahead feels lonely at times.

 

Human nature, I guess. At least for many. I'd get worked up about some small shit before, completely pointlessly. The difference for me was these were short bursts. Nothing ever added up to depression or anxiety even. Chronic, debilitating, limiting and isolating condition really changes the perspective. Does it mean I am more stoic about things? Not at all, my fuse seems to have shortened. I am trying to protect my closest ones at least and avoid any anger aimed at them, which sometimes did happen for me before.

 

No. I have to go to work. I use all of my money on lifts to work basically, and never leave my house for anything else.

 

I can relate to this. I´m having a very hard time now. I even try not to read Tinnitus Talk so much because it depresses me that mostly all people who get tinnitus don´t worsen again at again like I do. Don´t get me wrong, I´m glad for them, so much, but it makes me more depressed and makes me feel that I´m unlucky even among the unlucky ones. I keep getting worse tinnitus and more hearing loss from unknown causes. That overwhelms me so much. I try to do things, I´m taking Swedish lessons, I try to meet new people, I try to enjoy my lovely girlfriend... but it´s hard, so hard when you see no future and wonder how you are 5 years from now.

 

I worsen once or twice a year. In the beginning of all of this I had expected I'd worsen once every 5 to 10 years. I'm basically at the level now that I had thought I would be 20 years from now.

 

This is why I think there is some kind of undiagnosed nerve degeneration taking place. It’s just not sensible for there to be no known cause and consistent worsening.

 

Has the worsening been linked to acoustic trauma (alarms, power tools in the neighborhood...)?

 

Yeah, acoustic traumas and COVID-19. My tinnitus did get worse back in summer of 2021 for no apparent reason, though.

No matter how careful I am, acoustic traumas find me. Not all of them cause setbacks though. I got caught in a drum line at Venice Beach followed by an ambulance walking back to my car a couple years ago, and didn't have any problems except a spike that evening.

 

I wish I could hire someone to kill me and make sure I am dead. Toss my dead body into the ocean so whatever can eat the remains.

 

I am sure nerves are the underlying problem for most of us. Nerve damage and the subsequent hair cell loss. Nerve damage is the doozy for tinnitus.

Love you brother, wishing you relief.

 

I wonder why some acoustic traumas cause a lasting spike and others do not. For me, I seem to recover from lower pitched loud sounds more quickly than I do from high pitched ones. But in addition, if the body is in a calmer state, the parasympathetic nervous system might be better equipped to filter out the fight or flight response and therefore offer some degree of protection against the trauma? Just a thought.