Suicidal

[PeteJ]

My tinnitus is screaming and I feel like it's in my head more than usual. Know what I mean, anyone? I mean, the neurons firing and I feel more than usual, it's the ears and brain malfunctioning.

It was really bad at around 9pm or so and I didn't sleep til around 2 or 3 am. Got up around 8am. I then took my dog outside for her early morning walk.

That's not enough sleep.

My left ear is a bit sore. I am inclined to think most of my ear pain is from clenching. My dental retainer is crap. I need a filling or two before a dentist will give me a new one.

Things keep getting worse because the tinnitus isn't reducing or improving.

 

[Elfin]

My tinnitus is screaming and I feel like it's in my head more than usual. Know what I mean, anyone? I mean, the neurons firing and I feel more than usual, it's the ears and brain malfunctioning.

It was really bad at around 9pm or so and I didn't sleep til around 2 or 3 am. Got up around 8am. I then took my dog outside for her early morning walk.

That's not enough sleep.

My left ear is a bit sore. I am inclined to think most of my ear pain is from clenching. My dental retainer is crap. I need a filling or two before a dentist will give me a new one.

Things keep getting worse because the tinnitus isn't reducing or improving.

Do you use any hearing protection anywhere at all?

 

[PeteJ]

Do you use any hearing protection anywhere at all?

I carry muffs with me bit they are very tight like clamps.

Even if I wear plugs, the tinnitus is loud now. I wore foam plugs months ago and I had really severe ear pain after wearing them. :-(

 

[PeteJ]

I don't think anyone here has ear pain like I or?

 

[Daniel Lion]

My tinnitus is screaming and I feel like it's in my head more than usual. Know what I mean, anyone? I mean, the neurons firing and I feel more than usual, it's the ears and brain malfunctioning.

It was really bad at around 9pm or so and I didn't sleep til around 2 or 3 am. Got up around 8am. I then took my dog outside for her early morning walk.

That's not enough sleep.

My left ear is a bit sore. I am inclined to think most of my ear pain is from clenching. My dental retainer is crap. I need a filling or two before a dentist will give me a new one.

Things keep getting worse because the tinnitus isn't reducing or improving.

Get your dental work done, I just had a tooth ripped out, fuck it. Make sure you communicate with your dentist about your audiological needs. One step at a time bro... keep going.

 

[Allan1967]

Am I alone in feeling the way I do? Every day I am engulfed with an overwhelming feeling of pure sadness, like a internal black cloud that I carry everywhere.

I look around me in my open plan office and I see please talking, laughing, getting on with their work and I realise how much I'm at the mercy of my tinnitus & hyperacusis. When my tinnitus gets bad so does my hyperacusis and consequently my day is governed by looking out for threats and that's when I realise how badly my life has become governed by this thing.

Before my tinnitus went bad this time last year I was in a good place....new job, hobby that brought me great joy, interacting with family and work colleagues.... Tinnitus was always there, but it was just secondary to everything, it was stable and non reactive and no hyperacusis. Now its insidious nature has engulfed me and robbed me of who I am, so much so I hope I will pass away soon.

I try to find meaning in all this, why humans all suffer, what's it all supposed to be about to help claw my way out of this pit but I cant find the way.

 

[GregCA]

I don't think anyone here has ear pain like I or?

I know at least one person that does.

Am I alone in feeling the way I do?

No. Many people with T/H feel that way.

 

[Daniel Lion]

My tinnitus is screaming and I feel like it's in my head more than usual. Know what I mean, anyone? I mean, the neurons firing and I feel more than usual, it's the ears and brain malfunctioning.

It was really bad at around 9pm or so and I didn't sleep til around 2 or 3 am. Got up around 8am. I then took my dog outside for her early morning walk.

That's not enough sleep.

My left ear is a bit sore. I am inclined to think most of my ear pain is from clenching. My dental retainer is crap. I need a filling or two before a dentist will give me a new one.

Things keep getting worse because the tinnitus isn't reducing or improving.

Listen to fishbone... you are not alone and there are people like ourselves I call chronic,
walk your dog, do push ups... cry, and keep pushing forward.

 

[Chinmoku]

Am I alone in feeling the way I do? Every day I am engulfed with an overwhelming feeling of pure sadness, like a internal black cloud that I carry everywhere.

I look around me in my open plan office and I see please talking, laughing, getting on with their work and I realise how much I'm at the mercy of my tinnitus & hyperacusis. When my tinnitus gets bad so does my hyperacusis and consequently my day is governed by looking out for threats and that's when I realise how badly my life has become governed by this thing.

Before my tinnitus went bad this time last year I was in a good place....new job, hobby that brought me great joy, interacting with family and work colleagues.... Tinnitus was always there, but it was just secondary to everything, it was stable and non reactive and no hyperacusis. Now its insidious nature has engulfed me and robbed me of who I am, so much so I hope I will pass away soon.

I try to find meaning in all this, why humans all suffer, what's it all supposed to be about to help claw my way out of this pit but I cant find the way.

No you are not alone. This sounds very familiar. I think one of the consequences of being stuck with this kind of... disability I guess... is that you look at people that are carefree, as you used to be, and mourn your previous life, with some hope that with some treatment or miracle you can get that type of life back, but with the awareness that you could remain stuck in your current state for a long time, and wondering what kind of non-life that is, and how long you can carry on. At least look at the "bright" side, your tinnitus is not bad 24/7, mine never gives me a break, although I realize that even going back and forth is quite bad. Let's keep going, hoping we find an exit or at least a meaning for this madness

 

[Daniel Lion]

Am I alone in feeling the way I do? Every day I am engulfed with an overwhelming feeling of pure sadness, like a internal black cloud that I carry everywhere.

I look around me in my open plan office and I see please talking, laughing, getting on with their work and I realise how much I'm at the mercy of my tinnitus & hyperacusis. When my tinnitus gets bad so does my hyperacusis and consequently my day is governed by looking out for threats and that's when I realise how badly my life has become governed by this thing.

Before my tinnitus went bad this time last year I was in a good place....new job, hobby that brought me great joy, interacting with family and work colleagues.... Tinnitus was always there, but it was just secondary to everything, it was stable and non reactive and no hyperacusis. Now its insidious nature has engulfed me and robbed me of who I am, so much so I hope I will pass away soon.

I try to find meaning in all this, why humans all suffer, what's it all supposed to be about to help claw my way out of this pit but I cant find the way.

Make sure your diet is super healthy, eat salmon... your hyperacusis should dissipate slowly... I feel for you... I had to quit my job, I understand... one day, one hour at a time... can't wait for the day when this is all behind us... stay strong.

 

[Allan1967]

No you are not alone. This sounds very familiar. I think one of the consequences of being stuck with this kind of... disability I guess... is that you look at people that are carefree, as you used to be, and mourn your previous life, with some hope that with some treatment or miracle you can get that type of life back, but with the awareness that you could remain stuck in your current state for a long time, and wondering what kind of non-life that is, and how long you can carry on. At least look at the "bright" side, your tinnitus is not bad 24/7, mine never gives me a break, although I realize that even going back and forth is quite bad. Let's keep going, hoping we find an exit or at least a meaning for this madness

And it's madness alright. My life is not my own. I am just existing from day to day reading stories of other people who have exited this life and wishing it had been me instead yet everyone tells me it'll get better but there's just NO sign of it. It's a never ending nightmare that I can't wake up from.

And to think I was in a good place mentally, physically and emotionally even though I had tinnitus anyway this time last year and one morning I woke up and all that cruelly changed.

How I speed up my own demise? Smoking is out as is drinking.

 

[Allan1967]

Make sure your diet is super healthy, eat salmon... your hyperacusis should dissipate slowly... I feel for you... I had to quit my job, I understand... one day, one hour at a time... can't wait for the day when this is all behind us... stay strong.

How long for hyperacusis to go away?

 

[Daniel Lion]

How long for hyperacusis to go away?

A year.

 

[Chinmoku]

And it's madness alright. My life is not my own. I am just existing from day to day reading stories of other people who have exited this life and wishing it had been me instead yet everyone tells me it'll get better but there's just NO sign of it. It's a never ending nightmare that I can't wake up from.

And to think I was in a good place mentally, physically and emotionally even though I had tinnitus anyway this time last year and one morning I woke up and all that cruelly changed.

How I speed up my own demise? Smoking is out as is drinking.

I understand, it is really another life. It's not a case we are all in this "suicidal" thread, death looks almost like a liberation, but it's impossible with kids to take care of. What if one's consciousness survives in a soul and one has to witness the lives one has devastated, like one's kids? I think that would be even worse than tinnitus. I feel I can't go on, I have eye floaters as well, and my night vision has started getting weak, so this thing or perhaps the medication are affecting my eyes too, I feel like my entire sensory apparatus is being affected, and tinnitus is definitely the worst of all, I feel like giving up. Sometimes I wish I could simply disappear, to be replaced by a robotic substitute identical to me who may take care of my family and let me go, but I'd rather heal and go back to enjoying life again if possible at all. We have to wait for science to get there, and perhaps pray in the meantime. There are documented miracles/ healing stories, we can gain a little hope from those and pray.

[Padre Pio] Matteo Colella recovers from a deadly meningitis: https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/...e-pio-recounts-story-of-miraculous-cure-35618

[St. Charbel] Daphne Gutierrez recovers her sight and heals from seizures and tinnitus (legally blind): https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4195284/Blind-woman-regains-sight-praying-saint.html

[Our Lady of Lourdes] From permanently twisted foot, braces and wheelchair to walking again:
https://catholicherald.co.uk/news/2018/02/12/nuns-recovery-recognised-as-70th-lourdes-miracle/

There are many others. Why do some people get healed and others don't? It's a great mystery. I know lay people in the forum will be sceptical or dismissive but there is something going on here, as the medical documentation is quite detailed. Also, the investigations are quite severe, for example in Lourdes the medical commission and the church recognised officially only 70 miracles over the years, against the thousands that were claimed. The single cases are quite interesting. It's a fascinating subject and it can give us a little hope.

 

[JohnFox]

Nothing beats talking to friends and family or just any person who will listen and truly understand what you're going through. Never be ashamed to reach out to people as that's what strong people do.

Bingo. I have also found that simply having someone who will really listen and try to truly understand what you are going through is a big help. I think a big part of feeling like giving up, is when we feel like we are going through this "alone".

 

[fishbone]

Am I alone in feeling the way I do? Every day I am engulfed with an overwhelming feeling of pure sadness, like a internal black cloud that I carry everywhere.

I look around me in my open plan office and I see please talking, laughing, getting on with their work and I realise how much I'm at the mercy of my tinnitus & hyperacusis. When my tinnitus gets bad so does my hyperacusis and consequently my day is governed by looking out for threats and that's when I realise how badly my life has become governed by this thing.

Before my tinnitus went bad this time last year I was in a good place....new job, hobby that brought me great joy, interacting with family and work colleagues.... Tinnitus was always there, but it was just secondary to everything, it was stable and non reactive and no hyperacusis. Now its insidious nature has engulfed me and robbed me of who I am, so much so I hope I will pass away soon.

I try to find meaning in all this, why humans all suffer, what's it all supposed to be about to help claw my way out of this pit but I cant find the way.

Have you spoken to a counselor or a professional? meds are not always needed. This forum is a gift and a huge help but talking to a professional can also be very helpful. Do reach out to people, that care for you and express your feelings, talk about what makes you happy and sad in life. I have done this and it has impacted me in such a positive way. I have been in situations that I felt that I would never overcome, some real horrible ones.

Even in depths of hell, I still knew that I'd turn it around, somehow, some way. Possibility does exist, we just have to push harder to get there. Do go and talk with someone, I am always here for those that need support....

 

[Allan1967]

Have you spoken to a counselor or a professional? meds are not always needed. This forum is a gift and a huge help but talking to a professional can also be very helpful. Do reach out to people, that care for you and express your feelings, talk about what makes you happy and sad in life. I have done this and it has impacted me in such a positive way. I have been in situations that I felt that I would never overcome, some real horrible ones.

Even in depths of hell, I still knew that I'd turn it around, somehow, some way. Possibility does exist, we just have to push harder to get there. Do go and talk with someone, I am always here for those that need support....

You are one of the forum's gems @fishbone ....there are several people here who I wish I was more like [they know who they are]

I'm waiting on a course of 'High Intensity CBT'. When I was assessed to find out the best route to take, I specifically said I needed something that people with chronic life changing health conditions have, something designed to help people rationalise what has happened to them and learn to live with it.

This is what I am badly lacking at the minute. I have lost my faith in God; a Higher Power; the Universe - whatever you want to call it which is strange for me because I am a firm believer in Universal Law.

I need to learn how to live/cope despite having this as right now my life is a black hole.

 

[Bobbette]

@David S do you still have reactive tinnitus? Were you able to reduce the reactivity?

 

[Allan1967]

I understand, it is really another life. It's not a case we are all in this "suicidal" thread, death looks almost like a liberation, but it's impossible with kids to take care of. What if one's consciousness survives in a soul and one has to witness the lives one has devastated, like one's kids? I think that would be even worse than tinnitus. I feel I can't go on, I have eye floaters as well, and my night vision has started getting weak, so this thing or perhaps the medication are affecting my eyes too, I feel like my entire sensory apparatus is being affected, and tinnitus is definitely the worst of all, I feel like giving up. Sometimes I wish I could simply disappear, to be replaced by a robotic substitute identical to me who may take care of my family and let me go, but I'd rather heal and go back to enjoying life again if possible at all. We have to wait for science to get there, and perhaps pray in the meantime. There are documented miracles/ healing stories, we can gain a little hope from those and pray.

[Padre Pio] Matteo Colella recovers from a deadly meningitis: https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/...e-pio-recounts-story-of-miraculous-cure-35618

[St. Charbel] Daphne Gutierrez recovers her sight and heals from seizures and tinnitus (legally blind): https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4195284/Blind-woman-regains-sight-praying-saint.html

[Our Lady of Lourdes] From permanently twisted foot, braces and wheelchair to walking again:
https://catholicherald.co.uk/news/2018/02/12/nuns-recovery-recognised-as-70th-lourdes-miracle/

There are many others. Why do some people get healed and others don't? It's a great mystery. I know lay people in the forum will be sceptical or dismissive but there is something going on here, as the medical documentation is quite detailed. Also, the investigations are quite severe, for example in Lourdes the medical commission and the church recognised officially only 70 miracles over the years, against the thousands that were claimed. The single cases are quite interesting. It's a fascinating subject and it can give us a little hope.

I have done a lot of reading etc about the afterlife and there's so many theories it's hard. One is, as you say, you get to stay behind to watch the devastation unfold and you try to communicate and let people know you are still around.

Then I've read about 'contracts' - which means as souls we all agree a contract or things we must learn in human form and if we break that contract we might have to come back and relive it all over again.

Did my soul sign up to learn how to overcome suffering? What sort of fubared contract is that to give myself?

 

[fishbone]

You are one of the forum's gems @fishbone ....there are several people here who I wish I was more like [they know who they are]

I'm waiting on a course of 'High Intensity CBT'. When I was assessed to find out the best route to take, I specifically said I needed something that people with chronic life changing health conditions have, something designed to help people rationalise what has happened to them and learn to live with it.

This is what I am badly lacking at the minute. I have lost my faith in God; a Higher Power; the Universe - whatever you want to call it which is strange for me because I am a firm believer in Universal Law.

I need to learn how to live/cope despite having this as right now my life is a black hole.

Anything that helps us solve problems in a positive way, I am all for it. It all comes down to a strategy and a plan of daily actions. I hope your CBT sessions go very well for you and I hope that YOU follow the steps and try to gain the benefits of it. I live with a few chronic conditions outside of tinnitus, they are all depressing IF I let them be. If you told me in my 20s that I'd have severe ringing, horrible hearing loss and multiple health problems and for me to remain positive....I'd just laugh and say whatever. Now, it's a reality, it may not be what I fully want....but IT IS-WHAT IT IS.

Do hang in there and I hope you get the positive help you are seeking. It will not be an overnight success, it takes hard work, dedication and being consistent. You can do it my friend, you CAN!

 

[Allan1967]

Anything that helps us solve problems in a positive way, I am all for it. It all comes down to a strategy and a plan of daily actions. I hope your CBT sessions go very well for you and I hope that YOU follow the steps and try to gain the benefits of it. I live with a few chronic conditions outside of tinnitus, they are all depressing IF I let them be. If you told me in my 20s that I'd have severe ringing, horrible hearing loss and multiple health problems and for me to remain positive....I'd just laugh and say whatever. Now, it's a reality, it may not be what I fully want....but IT IS-WHAT IT IS.

Do hang in there and I hope you get the positive help you are seeking. It will not be an overnight success, it takes hard work, dedication and being consistent. You can do it my friend, you CAN!

You are star @fishbone and there are many on here like @Michael Leigh @Daniel Lion and @Star64 to name a few.

 

[all to gain]

Now, it's a reality, it may not be what I fully want....but IT IS-WHAT IT IS.

This is the bit I find hard to deal with!

Went to see a counselor today for the second time. No idea if it will help or not, but she's had tinnitus for 30 years so at least she knows the ins and outs of the condition. She got it straight after giving birth, so had to bring up her child whilst dealing with tinnitus. I sometimes wonder if women, in general, deal with tinnitus better than men. Interestingly she has never worn ear protection over the years since she got it.

 

[Dizzyhead888]

I understand, it is really another life. It's not a case we are all in this "suicidal" thread, death looks almost like a liberation, but it's impossible with kids to take care of. What if one's consciousness survives in a soul and one has to witness the lives one has devastated, like one's kids? I think that would be even worse than tinnitus. I feel I can't go on, I have eye floaters as well, and my night vision has started getting weak, so this thing or perhaps the medication are affecting my eyes too, I feel like my entire sensory apparatus is being affected, and tinnitus is definitely the worst of all, I feel like giving up. Sometimes I wish I could simply disappear, to be replaced by a robotic substitute identical to me who may take care of my family and let me go, but I'd rather heal and go back to enjoying life again if possible at all. We have to wait for science to get there, and perhaps pray in the meantime. There are documented miracles/ healing stories, we can gain a little hope from those and pray.

[Padre Pio] Matteo Colella recovers from a deadly meningitis: https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/...e-pio-recounts-story-of-miraculous-cure-35618

[St. Charbel] Daphne Gutierrez recovers her sight and heals from seizures and tinnitus (legally blind): https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4195284/Blind-woman-regains-sight-praying-saint.html

[Our Lady of Lourdes] From permanently twisted foot, braces and wheelchair to walking again:
https://catholicherald.co.uk/news/2018/02/12/nuns-recovery-recognised-as-70th-lourdes-miracle/

There are many others. Why do some people get healed and others don't? It's a great mystery. I know lay people in the forum will be sceptical or dismissive but there is something going on here, as the medical documentation is quite detailed. Also, the investigations are quite severe, for example in Lourdes the medical commission and the church recognised officially only 70 miracles over the years, against the thousands that were claimed. The single cases are quite interesting. It's a fascinating subject and it can give us a little hope.

Thousands are claimed and many of those are miracles indeed but the rigorous process rejects most of them.

If my severe tinnitus was suddenly cured by a miracle, it would definitely still not be registered a miracle according to the Vatican criteria. The prognosis of tinnitus is that it can fade away. This prognosis by itself will fail to pass the miracle criteria.

Severe tinnitus will never ever disappear overnight. Severe tinnitus can fade to moderate tinnitus or mild tinnitus but takes YEARS.

So no Dr would ever associate a miracle to tinnitus, so trying to convince a doctor that your severe tinnitus disappear overnight would still be considered possible to happen by doctors even though we know it's impossible.

 

[fishbone]

This is the bit I find hard to deal with!

Went to see a counselor today for the second time. No idea if it will help or not, but she's had tinnitus for 30 years so at least she knows the ins and outs of the condition. She got it straight after giving birth, so had to bring up her child whilst dealing with tinnitus. I sometimes wonder if women, in general, deal with tinnitus better than men. Interestingly she has never worn ear protection over the years since she got it.

I'm so proud of you! You are going and talking to someone about your situation. That's a first step my friend. Talking it out can be quite powerful. I hope things improve for you

 

[Chinmoku]

Thousands are claimed and many of those are miracles indeed but the rigorous process rejects most of them.

If my severe tinnitus was suddenly cured by a miracle, it would definitely still not be registered a miracle according to the Vatican criteria. The prognosis of tinnitus is that it can fade away. This prognosis by itself will fail to pass the miracle criteria.

Severe tinnitus will never ever disappear overnight. Severe tinnitus can fade to moderate tinnitus or mild tinnitus but takes YEARS.

So no Dr would ever associate a miracle to tinnitus, so trying to convince a doctor that your severe tinnitus disappear overnight would still be considered possible to happen by doctors even though we know it's impossible.

Yes I thought the same thing, tinnitus healing wouldn't be recognized, not least because it is an invisible condition or it could heal spontaneously in principle. As you say, sudden healing of severe tinnitus would be quite unlikely though.

 

[Lilah]

I sometimes wonder if women, in general, deal with tinnitus better than men.

I don't think so. However, I think women are perhaps more likely to get help/see therapists, etc. and maybe a bit less lonely than men, in chronic health situations.

 

[PeteJ]

I know at least one person that does.

No. Many people with T/H feel that way.

I don't want to live with this ear pain any longer. It really hurts. :-(
I want the excruciating pain to stop. Offing myself is the only way to stop it.

 

[Daniel Lion]

I don't want to live with this ear pain any longer. It really hurts. :-(
I want the excruciating pain to stop. Offing myself is the only way to stop it.

Yepppp...

You need some benzos... change your deuce bag GP.

Can you try heat on your ear, like a hot towel, or ice and see what happens.

Dude I wish I could fly over and help you. Send me your address and I'll try and send you some meds. They will probably confiscate it, but it's worth a try...

I am sorry your hurting bro... my hands are tied... I can only give you emotional support.

 

[all to gain]

I'm so proud of you! You are going and talking to someone about your situation. That's a first step my friend. Talking it out can be quite powerful. I hope things improve for you

She told me to keep off forums, which I am trying to do (not very well). But I am finding all this very hard to deal with.
Life is not enjoyable at all anymore. Can't think of the future. The real me died 4 months ago.

 

[fishbone]

She told me to keep off forums, which I am trying to do (not very well). But I am finding all this very hard to deal with.
Life is not enjoyable at all anymore. Can't think of the future. The real me died 4 months ago.

She gave you good advice. If the forum is helping you, then engage, if not..not. I get what you are saying, my new reality is not what I wanted either. It just came and happened, life is like that. I wanted an easier life, a less stressful life but it didn't happen that way. I am just like you and others stuck in a huge puzzle and trying to pick up the pieces and fit them in and make sense of things.

Don't think of the future, think of today and what you can do to, possibly make your situation better. When I first got afflicted with tinnitus, I would question my audiologist as much as I could. I would ask him about the dangers of sound and situations. I was so driven to figure things out and wanted to solve problems that tinnitus brought on. I was laughed at , mocked and they pointed fingers at me....calling me weird, because I told them that my ears were ringing.

Keep talking things out with her, stay motivated to show up to the sessions. All of us have our own point of views, it's a good thing to have someone give their own point of view and guide us. I have done this in the past, with people I have spoken with. Getting input from others could possibly help us out.

It's all about just keeping at it and slowly moving forward. It's a slow process and it can take time. If we keep at it eventually things can make sense. I have seen SO MANY dark clouds that I thought would never lift, but I slowly kept at it, slowly took daily actions and I was able to overcome some hardcore stuff.

Have faith, take small steps and try to move forward.

It's never easy, but small steps can eventually lead to a BIG gain!