Suicidal

[Lurius]

So sorry to you hear you are struggling like this. I understand. How are you now?

Hey. Thank so much for caring. Last week was very good, it was mostly manageable except for Saturday.

This week has been much worse so far. I've had a spike for almost 48 hours now, so I'm going a little crazy right now. My doctor refused to give me Oxytocin until I show him more documentation, so I have requested that from the Belgian office.

Even though I haven't given up yet, I'm starting to get seriously, seriously sick of this condition. Constantly having to fight against it is very taxing. And I'm also very lonely and cannot picture a life with someone this way.

Dirk De Ridder said in one of his presentations that tinnitus "eventually becomes part of who you are" and then it becomes more difficult to treat. I asked him where exactly is this point, and he said that it looks to be around 4 years. So I still have time. But if things don't seriously improve in the next year, I will probably end my life. I can't struggle like this all the time, there is no life quality, only pain and hardship.

But I want to get my hands on the Oxytocin first and see what happens there, that's my first priority now. So my mind is bent on that and not much else.

 

[Vicki14]

Hey. Thank so much for caring. Last week was very good, it was mostly manageable except for Saturday.

This week has been much worse so far. I've had a spike for almost 48 hours now, so I'm going a little crazy right now. My doctor refused to give me Oxytocin until I show him more documentation, so I have requested that from the Belgian office.

Even though I haven't given up yet, I'm starting to get seriously, seriously sick of this condition. Constantly having to fight against it is very taxing. And I'm also very lonely and cannot picture a life with someone this way.

Dirk De Ridder said in one of his presentations that tinnitus "eventually becomes part of who you are" and then it becomes more difficult to treat. I asked him where exactly is this point, and he said that it looks to be around 4 years. So I still have time. But if things don't seriously improve in the next year, I will probably end my life. I can't struggle like this all the time, there is no life quality, only pain and hardship.

But I want to get my hands on the Oxytocin first and see what happens there, that's my first priority now. So my mind is bent on that and not much else.

Sending you a virtual hug. I understand how difficult this is, I truly do. I've had it over 5 years now and have just had the biggest setback which has been physically and mentally exhausting. Please don't think that way and give up. I understand how debilitating this is and how you crave normality again.

How long have you had it? What started it? x

 

[Mary97]

@Brian Newman, I also have thought about moving to the woods and becoming a hermit. Hell, that's actually my fantasy these days. Anyway, just be careful if you move to the woods that you are nowhere near an ATV path! I was looking at real estate in New Hampshire and these places look like the picture of peace, but it's actually a selling point if they are on an ATV path! That would be just my luck and the icing on a shit cake and would officially put me over the edge!

My heart goes out to you and everyone else here... hugs.

 

[Brian Newman]

@Brian Newman, I also have thought about moving to the woods and becoming a hermit. Hell, that's actually my fantasy these days. Anyway, just be careful if you move to the woods that you are nowhere near an ATV path! I was looking at real estate in New Hampshire and these places look like the picture of peace, but it's actually a selling point if they are on an ATV path! That would be just my luck and the icing on a shit cake and would officially put me over the edge!

My heart goes out to you and everyone else here... hugs.

Very true and smart. If I'm indoors, I would be ok as of now if there were any ATVs going by. If I was outdoors, then I would have a problem lol.

Any other house would be better than my current one, I live on a busy road so constantly there's cars going by going 40 mph. I'm fine inside but outside my ears get pretty annoyed

 

[Lurius]

Sending you a virtual hug. I understand how difficult this is, I truly do. I've had it over 5 years now and have just had the biggest setback which has been physically and mentally exhausting. Please don't think that way and give up. I understand how debilitating this is and how you crave normality again.

How long have you had it? What started it? x

Hey, 5 years is a long time, I'm so sorry you have to suffer this way.

I got tinnitus on the 31st of August, 2018. So in 2 months time, it will be 3 years. I got it from doing the Valsalva maneuver. However, I asked Dirk De Ridder about this and he says that the most normal thing is for something to trigger the tinnitus, but then something else maintains it, so that the trigger becomes less important. It could be something like hearing loss or stress, for example. I've struggled with PTSD most of my life and I'm seriously lonely, I've been single for over a decade and I think I will just die that way if this doesn't improve. I'm sort of in a "life mourning"-mentality, where I'm having difficulty accepting that life became less than 10% of what I had expected. I feel powerless to change my life, not just because I'm scared of worsening the tinnitus, but because I've realized that once people find out that I have autism, they treat me so much worse immediately. I've been rejected from job interviews based on my autism, rejected from women for the same reason etc.

I'm starting to wonder if there really is a point to all of this. Even if I get rid of the tinnitus, the world still sucks, humanity sucks, the world is such an extremely shitty place. Joe Rogan said that "most men lead lives of quiet desperation", I feel just like that right now.

 

[Christiaan]

Hey, 5 years is a long time, I'm so sorry you have to suffer this way.

I got tinnitus on the 31st of August, 2018. So in 2 months time, it will be 3 years. I got it from doing the Valsalva maneuver. However, I asked Dirk De Ridder about this and he says that the most normal thing is for something to trigger the tinnitus, but then something else maintains it, so that the trigger becomes less important. It could be something like hearing loss or stress, for example. I've struggled with PTSD most of my life and I'm seriously lonely, I've been single for over a decade and I think I will just die that way if this doesn't improve. I'm sort of in a "life mourning"-mentality, where I'm having difficulty accepting that life became less than 10% of what I had expected. I feel powerless to change my life, not just because I'm scared of worsening the tinnitus, but because I've realized that once people find out that I have autism, they treat me so much worse immediately. I've been rejected from job interviews based on my autism, rejected from women for the same reason etc.

I'm starting to wonder if there really is a point to all of this. Even if I get rid of the tinnitus, the world still sucks, humanity sucks, the world is such an extremely shitty place. Joe Rogan said that "most men lead lives of quiet desperation", I feel just like that right now.

I'm sorry you feel that way @Lurius. You've got a lot on your plate right now and I truly wish that something could be done to alleviate your problems.

I don't think most people recognise how unique you really are. Your kind, supportive & insightful comments on Tinnitus Talk really give me the impression, and I think many people here share that opinion, that you're a true gem. And the people who wouldn't want to give a job to such a kind-hearted, intelligent soul... Well, they clearly lack people-skills to see how valuable you truly are. The same goes for the women you've dated. They've clearly missed their chance to see the real you.

It's understandable that De Ridder's statement of treating tinnitus after X-years can be really off-putting. It could be the case that tinnitus is very hard to treat when it has time to manifest itself in the brain, but at the same time we could ask ourselves: is it really impossible to do something about it?

There are plenty of papers on tinnitus intervention that provide a different picture. Research involving DBS, Cochlear Implants & hearing aids point in a direction that the brain could adept to new or different input, which in turn could change tinnitus (even for those who lived with this condition for many years). Fellow TT'er @kelpiemsp's anecdotal testimony might also support this assumption that bi-modal stimulation could change tinnitus (his had his tinnitus for 30 +/- years, I believe) for the better. So it it hard to treat tinnitus? Probably yes. But is it impossible to treat tinnitus after X-years? I dare to say that something can be done.

Anyway, long story short: don't be too hard on yourself, Lurius. You're one hell of a guy and impossible is nothing (to quote Adidas ) when it comes to future treatments for tinnitus.

 

[Exit]

Hey, 5 years is a long time, I'm so sorry you have to suffer this way.

I got tinnitus on the 31st of August, 2018. So in 2 months time, it will be 3 years. I got it from doing the Valsalva maneuver. However, I asked Dirk De Ridder about this and he says that the most normal thing is for something to trigger the tinnitus, but then something else maintains it, so that the trigger becomes less important. It could be something like hearing loss or stress, for example. I've struggled with PTSD most of my life and I'm seriously lonely, I've been single for over a decade and I think I will just die that way if this doesn't improve. I'm sort of in a "life mourning"-mentality, where I'm having difficulty accepting that life became less than 10% of what I had expected. I feel powerless to change my life, not just because I'm scared of worsening the tinnitus, but because I've realized that once people find out that I have autism, they treat me so much worse immediately. I've been rejected from job interviews based on my autism, rejected from women for the same reason etc.

I'm starting to wonder if there really is a point to all of this. Even if I get rid of the tinnitus, the world still sucks, humanity sucks, the world is such an extremely shitty place. Joe Rogan said that "most men lead lives of quiet desperation", I feel just like that right now.

Hey fellow Norwegian,
How was your tinnitus the first half year?
Has it evolved?
Klem

 

[Staceyyy]

Everyday in wake up wondering how I am going to make it through another day. I really don't have any hope left. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I am not alone. Today I wanted to end it all... I didn't because of my friends and family, but mostly because of all of you. I won't allow myself to succumb to the noise that resides inside my brain and I hope there are moments where you feel the same.

Please keep going even though we all know it isn't fair. If you can make it through this, there isn't anything else in this world you couldn't overcome.

 

[grate_biff]

Some of us understand that once you get hyperacusis, and dysacusis, a whole new hell is awoken.

Damn straight!

 

[Etan]

Everybody listen up. My name is Ethan, and I'm here to help. You need to go to a professional ear surgeon and tell them that you want an "endoscopic sectioning of the tensor tympani". That is the surgery. Don't waste your time with Botox, and medication, just get the surgery. While you wait for the surgery, get silicone earplugs and use them to block out the sound of your spasms. They will work if they make an airtight seal. They get gross after a day, so change them out. I had MEM for six months every day. And experienced a 94 hour episode. Don't commit suicide, just follow these instructions and you'll do great. I'll pray for all of you.

 

[linearb]

Everybody listen up. My name is Ethan, and I'm here to help. You need to go to a professional ear surgeon and tell them that you want an "endoscopic sectioning of the tensor tympani". That is the surgery. Don't waste your time with Botox, and medication, just get the surgery. While you wait for the surgery, get silicone earplugs and use them to block out the sound of your spasms. They will work if they make an airtight seal. They get gross after a day, so change them out. I had MEM for six months every day. And experienced a 94 hour episode. Don't commit suicide, just follow these instructions and you'll do great. I'll pray for all of you.

This specific physiological condition might apply to like .05% of the people posting in this thread.

This is a tinnitus board. Not a TTTS board.

 

[linearb]

But if it were CANCER they'd move mountains, right? Because there's stigma if you don't help someone with that. Invisible disabilities.

Cancer patients feel heavily stigmatized:

https://www.researchgate.net/public...in_Cancer_Patients_in_A_Middle-Income_Country

https://www.livestrong.org/sites/default/files/what-we-do/reports/lsglobalresearchreport.pdf

We're not the only maligned, neglected group. Everyone with a shitty chronic condition, terminal or not, is in a maligned, neglected group

Having watched a close friend die of cancer with tubes going into them and out of them on a ventilator for weeks, I'll keep my tinnitus thanks.

But I want to get my hands on the Oxytocin first and see what happens there, that's my first priority now. So my mind is bent on that and not much else.

It made my face feel temporarily flushed and made me feel slightly calmer for about three minutes, your mileage may vary.

I disagree with De Ridder's window being generally applicable because I was struggling a hell of a lot more at 4 years than at 8.

Best wishes everyone.

 

[Kriszti]

Everybody listen up. My name is Ethan, and I'm here to help. You need to go to a professional ear surgeon and tell them that you want an "endoscopic sectioning of the tensor tympani". That is the surgery. Don't waste your time with Botox, and medication, just get the surgery. While you wait for the surgery, get silicone earplugs and use them to block out the sound of your spasms. They will work if they make an airtight seal. They get gross after a day, so change them out. I had MEM for six months every day. And experienced a 94 hour episode. Don't commit suicide, just follow these instructions and you'll do great. I'll pray for all of you.

That only works for MEM, not all of us have that. There is no surgery for other types of tinnitus.

 

[Chinmoku]

Dirk De Ridder said in one of his presentations that tinnitus "eventually becomes part of who you are" and then it becomes more difficult to treat. I asked him where exactly is this point, and he said that it looks to be around 4 years.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes it looks like the universe shuts all doors in our face. However, from your history you had quiet periods as well and not a constant worsening progression, so there are elements to think it could go away.

Also, don't be too discouraged by what DDR said. DDR is one of the world authorities on tinnitus but even he does not really know much about this condition, the science is still missing. Four years is as good a guess as 3 or 5 or 10. We have anecdotal reports of people whose tinnitus disappeared after much longer periods. The usual guy on benzos I always mention had tinnitus for 15 years and then healed. There are people who habituated after 5 years or more.

Also, we should consider a number of treatments that will become available in a few years. FX-322 has been a hopefully temporary disappointment but the science seems sound, hearing regeneration should be here at some point.

We need to find the strength to resist the torture until something helps us. It can be very hard.

 

[Kriszti]

The usual guy on benzos I always mention had tinnitus for 15 years and then healed. There are people who habituated after 5 years or more.

Oh, I missed this success story. How did he get rid of this ailment and did he know/suspect a cause?

I really hope that habituation is possible after that much time, because I'm almost 2 years in and I'm not habituated at all.

 

[Chinmoku]

Oh, I missed this success story. How did he get rid of this ailment and did he know/suspect a cause?

I really hope that habituation is possible after that much time, because I'm almost 2 years in and I'm not habituated at all.

The story is here. Worth reading!

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I am giving it a few more weeks to see if this horrible anxiety and depression over tinnitus, hyperacusis and fucked up eye floaters will lift some. If not, I can't go on like this. It's tearing me apart.

 

[Leila]

I am giving it a few more weeks to see if this horrible anxiety and depression over tinnitus, hyperacusis and fucked up eye floaters will lift some. If not, I can't go on like this. It's tearing me apart.

I'm so very sorry to hear that there has been no easing of your symptoms since your last post. I've wondered how you were doing whenever I had a bit of a look around the forum. Your last post really made me sad because I can emphasise very well with how poorly you are feeling. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better and that, in the end, we all must do what feels right for ourselves, but know that you're not alone and that you will be missed if this is what it boils down to!

Love from Germany,
Leila

 

[AliasM]

The story is here. Worth reading!

I wish he had said how he got tinnitus in the first place.

 

[Sironketchup]

Before you off yourself, try a least making yourself blind for 2 months, or try Lenire...

 

[Chinmoku]

I wish he had said how he got tinnitus in the first place.

Good question. The surprising thing is that after he suffered through withdrawal his tinnitus basically went below his original level of 15 years earlier and then disappeared. It's like if the underlying cause (neck problems? Hearing loss? Stress? Acoustic trauma? Ear infection? Ototoxic medications?) healed in the 15 years he was on Clonazepam and the distressing tinnitus he had after 15 years was due to receptor tolerance. Once he stopped the benzo and came out of tolerance withdrawal he healed completely as his receptors went back to normal.

This makes me suspect tinnitus from stress.

This however shows that some types of tinnitus heal after a long time.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

You are right but at the same time the urge to crawl in a ball and just kill myself is strong. I guess the real problem is a lack of support and other people close to me vouching for and assisting me in looking at and into these options. This whole thing has felt like I've been on my own and that they simply move on with life thinking a support group is good enough.

I gave it some thought and I would've dropped everything had someone close to me called in the pure panic and fear I was in. I would've researched and fought on their behalf with doctors. In the end and now I get none of that. Simply things like good vibes and prayers which mean jack shit and simply allows that person to keep existing thinking they did their part.

It drives you to offing yourself... to which I'm sure they would justify it as "it would've happened eventually... we did everything we could" which are what platitudes and telling me not to be suicidal and embarrassing them by posting online to social media about it?

But if it were CANCER they'd move mountains, right? Because there's stigma if you don't help someone with that. Invisible disabilities.

Exactly this is what makes me extra angry and sad these days. The support I get from my family is frankly pathetic. They call maybe once every 2-3 weeks at best. And If I don't answer they don't show up at my door to see if I'm alright (even though they live close by), they just say "that sucks" or "poor you" when I on rare occasions tell them just a little about how it is. They hardly ever ask how I am... Like how I really am.

I have had the exact same thought these last couple of days, that if it were my mother or one of my siblings that suffered with these rare unheard of conditions instead, I would surely research the hell out of it, search for doctors and treatments and so on... And I would check in with them often to see how they were, and I would make sure they were alright if they didn't respond to a call. I feel deeply neglected. I don't understand how they can be so careless... Frankly I am at the point where I say, they can take their "that sucks," "poor you" and whatnot and shove it up their ass, and that I never want to see them again.

The only slightly reasonable explanation to this neglect I can come with it, is that they know deep down inside that it's bad, that I'm probably not going to make it in the long run, and they don't want to face this fact. But ignoring me, and burying their head in the sand, won't change that fact. When they find me dangling from a rope, facing it will be their only choice.

 

[Exit]

Exactly this is what makes me extra angry and sad these days. The support I get from my family is frankly pathetic. They call maybe once every 2-3 weeks at best. And If I don't answer they don't show up at my door to see if I'm alright (even though they live close by), they just say "that sucks" or "poor you" when I on rare occasions tell them just a little about how it is. They hardly ever ask how I am... Like how I really am.

I have had the exact same thought these last couple of days, that if it were my mother or one of my siblings that suffered with these rare unheard of conditions instead, I would surely research the hell out of it, search for doctors and treatments and so on... And I would check in with them often to see how they were, and I would make sure they were alright if they didn't respond to a call. I feel deeply neglected. I don't understand how they can be so careless... Frankly I am at the point where I say, they can take their "that sucks," "poor you" and whatnot and shove it up their ass, and that I never want to see them again.

The only slightly reasonable explanation to this neglect I can come with it, is that they know deep down inside that it's bad, that I'm probably not going to make it in the long run, and they don't want to face this fact. But ignoring me, and burying their head in the sand, won't change that fact. When they find me dangling from a rope, facing it will be their only choice.

People should take it more seriously, no matter what the illness are.

The important thing is how much that illness affects the person. Not if it's deadly or not.

 

[Jazzer]

Exactly this is what makes me extra angry and sad these days. The support I get from my family is frankly pathetic. They call maybe once every 2-3 weeks at best. And If I don't answer they don't show up at my door to see if I'm alright (even though they live close by), they just say "that sucks" or "poor you" when I on rare occasions tell them just a little about how it is. They hardly ever ask how I am... Like how I really am.

I have had the exact same thought these last couple of days, that if it were my mother or one of my siblings that suffered with these rare unheard of conditions instead, I would surely research the hell out of it, search for doctors and treatments and so on... And I would check in with them often to see how they were, and I would make sure they were alright if they didn't respond to a call. I feel deeply neglected. I don't understand how they can be so careless... Frankly I am at the point where I say, they can take their "that sucks," "poor you" and whatnot and shove it up their ass, and that I never want to see them again.

The only slightly reasonable explanation to this neglect I can come with it, is that they know deep down inside that it's bad, that I'm probably not going to make it in the long run, and they don't want to face this fact. But ignoring me, and burying their head in the sand, won't change that fact. When they find me dangling from a rope, facing it will be their only choice.

Dear DG.

I answer your post very reluctantly because you may think what I am saying is entirely irrelevant.

If you are neglected by your family now - at this desperate time - I would hazard a guess that you may perhaps have been neglected in your childhood.

Neglect in early life can stimulate the voice inside us that says you are nothing much
- you are getting what you deserve.

None of us deserves tinnitus.
None of us deserve this degree of pain.
If your inner voice condemns you it makes your pain so much worse.

Of course, I am guessing.
Forgive me if I am wide of the mark.
This inner voice is referred to by Eckhart Tolle as 'the pain body' in his book 'A New World.'

When our 'condemning voice' starts up we must recognise it and shine the light of consciousness on it to reject it entirely.
Recognition is half the battle.

I thought I deserved my pain - my tinnitus.
I now know different.
This book has given me tremendous relief.
Consequently my pain body is much lighter.
I would love to think it might help you DG.

Love and best wishes
Dave xx

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Dear DG.

I answer your post very reluctantly because you may think what I am saying is entirely irrelevant.

If you are neglected by your family now - at this desperate time - I would hazard a guess that you may perhaps have been neglected in your childhood.

Neglect in early life can stimulate the voice inside us that says you are nothing much
- you are getting what you deserve.

None of us deserves tinnitus.
None of us deserve this degree of pain.
If your inner voice condemns you it makes your pain so much worse.

Of course, I am guessing.
Forgive me if I am wide of the mark.
This inner voice is referred to by Eckhart Tolle as 'the pain body' in his book 'A New World.'

When our 'condemning voice' starts up we must recognise it and shine the light of consciousness on it to reject it entirely.
Recognition is half the battle.

I thought I deserved my pain - my tinnitus.
I now know different.
This book has given me tremendous relief.
Consequently my pain body is much lighter.
I would love to think it might help you DG.

Love and best wishes
Dave xx

View attachment 45536

Yes, I was neglected all my life, including in my childhood. I have actually read Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of the Now some months back, where he also talks about the pain body, but I have found no relief from it. I get what he is saying and most of it makes sense, but I haven't succeeded in applying his methods in my life, and getting any relief from it.

Personally I do feel at this point that I indeed deserve tinnitus and hyperacusis. I blasted my ears with loud music for hours everyday and I knew the dangers. I even said once that I would rather get tinnitus than give up my headphones (I haven't told anyone of this before, but the truth must come out now), so I basically chose this life for myself. Of course the thought that comes to mind often these days is that maybe if I hadn't been neglected through childhood, then I wouldn't have sat all through my teen years/early 20's in my dark room blasting music through my headphones, because that was the only way I could cope with the loneliness and depression... so in a way I also blame my mum, and I can't deny that I am furious with her, because she may have damaged me for life and that's unforgivable and not something one ever gets past.

 

[Lurius]

Yes, I was neglected all my life, including in my childhood. I have actually read Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of the Now some months back, where he also talks about the pain body, but I have found no relief from it. I get what he is saying and most of it makes sense, but I haven't succeeded in applying his methods in my life, and getting any relief from it.

Personally I do feel at this point that I indeed deserve tinnitus and hyperacusis. I blasted my ears with loud music for hours everyday and I knew the dangers. I even said once that I would rather get tinnitus than give up my headphones (I haven't told anyone of this before, but the truth must come out now), so I basically chose this life for myself. Of course the thought that comes to mind often these days is that maybe if I hadn't been neglected through childhood, then I wouldn't have sat all through my teen years/early 20's in my dark room blasting music through my headphones, because that was the only way I could cope with the loneliness and depression... so in a way I also blame my mum, and I can't deny that I am furious with her, because she may have damaged me for life and that's unforgivable and not something one ever gets past.

We have more in common than you think, Danish Girl. I have serious PTSD because of my parents, especially my mom's, complete negligence, psychological and physical violence towards me when I was a child. I was severly beat from 6 years of age until I was 13. I was often threatened with violence as well, causing trauma. She was terrorizing me psychologically. My mom was a complete nutjob when I was a kid. A religious nutjob, even. It was an experience I wouldn't wish on any kid. I often wish child support would have taken over. When I was a teen I started hiding in black metal, bonus points for pissing her off enormously with all the makeup, nails and dark clothing.

I'm sometimes curious how old you are, @TheDanishGirl, just to have some idea of where you are in your life. I'm 36 myself.

 

[Jazzer]

Yes, I was neglected all my life, including in my childhood. I have actually read Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of the Now some months back, where he also talks about the pain body, but I have found no relief from it. I get what he is saying and most of it makes sense, but I haven't succeeded in applying his methods in my life, and getting any relief from it.

Personally I do feel at this point that I indeed deserve tinnitus and hyperacusis. I blasted my ears with loud music for hours everyday and I knew the dangers. I even said once that I would rather get tinnitus than give up my headphones (I haven't told anyone of this before, but the truth must come out now), so I basically chose this life for myself. Of course the thought that comes to mind often these days is that maybe if I hadn't been neglected through childhood, then I wouldn't have sat all through my teen years/early 20's in my dark room blasting music through my headphones, because that was the only way I could cope with the loneliness and depression... so in a way I also blame my mum, and I can't deny that I am furious with her, because she may have damaged me for life and that's unforgivable and not something one ever gets past.

Thank you for coming back DG.

I was neglected from birth, by my mentally ill mother, and grew up in permanent pain.

I cannot blame her.
She had nothing to give me.
At ten weeks I had screamed myself into a hernia, and grew up very schizoid.
My pain body (portable inner voice of condemnation) was my constant companion.

If we believe 'we deserve the pain we have' we will be desperate.

You do not deserve your pain, your tinnitus, your predicament.

I understand you have read 'The Power of Now,' but I would urge you to get 'A New Earth,' now.

Dwelling on the 'pain body' as it does, it is much clearer, and more concise.

His writing style improved so much as far as I'm concerned.

If you do decide to get it, turn directly to page 131, the chapter entitled breaking free, and you will get a really good understanding of this pain body predicament.

I was quite worried about replying to your post, in case my ideas were irrelevant to you, but we do appear to be on roughly the same page.

I feel this book may help you a little.

Anycase - here is a whacking great big

{{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}}

Dave xx

 

[TheDanishGirl]

We have more in common than you think, Danish Girl. I have serious PTSD because of my parents, especially my mom's, complete negligence, psychological and physical violence towards me when I was a child. I was severly beat from 6 years of age until I was 13. I was often threatened with violence as well, causing trauma. She was terrorizing me psychologically. My mom was a complete nutjob when I was a kid. A religious nutjob, even. It was an experience I wouldn't wish on any kid. I often wish child support would have taken over. When I was a teen I started hiding in black metal, bonus points for pissing her off enormously with all the makeup, nails and dark clothing.

I'm sometimes curious how old you are, @TheDanishGirl, just to have some idea of where you are in your life. I'm 36 myself.

So sorry to hear that. Some people should never have had a reproductive system. I wasnt exacty beaten, but there were some "lighter" physical abuse, but I cant recall it all that much. Mostly it was neglect, me being in the way. She was most satisfied if I were in my room out of sight. I cant recall any affectionate behaviour at all. I have twin siblings. 13 year younger then me. They have had the same upbringing. They both have psyciatric disorder, but so far are doing better then when I was at their age, from what I can tell.

I'm 34.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Thank you for coming back DG.

I was neglected from birth, by my mentally ill mother, and grew up in permanent pain.

I cannot blame her.
She had nothing to give me.
At ten weeks I had screamed myself into a hernia, and grew up very schizoid.
My pain body (portable inner voice of condemnation) was my constant companion.

If we believe 'we deserve the pain we have' we will be desperate.

You do not deserve your pain, your tinnitus, your predicament.

I understand you have read 'The Power of Now,' but I would urge you to get 'A New Earth,' now.

Dwelling on the 'pain body' as it does, it is much clearer, and more concise.

His writing style improved so much as far as I'm concerned.

If you do decide to get it, turn directly to page 131, the chapter entitled breaking free, and you will get a really good understanding of this pain body predicament.

I was quite worried about replying to your post, in case my ideas were irrelevant to you, but we do appear to be on roughly the same page.

I feel this book may help you a little.

Anycase - here is a whacking great big

{{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}}

Dave xx

I appreaciate you trying to help. I will look into this book. Even though I am thinking that reading that book probably won't change the fact that I am mostly homebound due to severe pain hyperacusis. It won't change that I have no one in my life, no real life friends or family (and can't go out and get it, because of severe hyperacusis) and I still find it impossible to believe that anyone can survive like this for many years, no matter their state of mind or even non state of mind. We are social beings (for the most part). If that's completely taken away, then is that really survivable?

 

[Exit]

I just want to hit my head over and over...