I just want to live. I wish, at least, that I could live while I am alive.
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Does anyone remember the Twilight Zone episode where the man breaks his glasses but loves to read? That's what this life feels like.
I just found out that a coworker has a friend who is housebound with tinnitus. It became progressively worse.
It's such a terrible thing. It's like waking up to find yourself weak and naked again about to be enveloped in a cocoon of cold steel nails.
Woke up today to find my sleeping sounds had turned off overnight. I listened as, slowly, my mind was invaded by hissing and screeching.
Three years and one day.
Three years ago today, my life shifted catastrophically. Nothing will ever be the same.
I get fleeting moments where I remember how deeply happy I felt before tinnitus. They vanish just as quickly, replaced by noise.
My girlfriend complains that I don't listen to half of what she says. Trust me, I'm trying.
Get up and prepare for another day in hell without a single moment of happiness or relief. I am in hell.
I'm really struggling today. I can't keep myself focused. I feel like leaving work and never coming back. My brain won't shut up.
The auditory nerve is capable of feeling pain. I may not have hyperacusis but, instead, nerve damage. That can be treated.
Looking for a single sign of improvement. I've tried to be so positive, but it never pans out. It's just pure, uncut, false hope.
Absolutely terrible today. Both ears ache and my right is blaring. Wondering if it's infected. It's unbearable.
I'd like to share some songs that echo my experience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz1Onw9Qk-E
Next Sunday is my three-year tinnitus anniversary. I plan on getting completely wasted. Things will worsen on MY terms, goddammit!
My friend decided to go for a walk with me. I think he quickly realized that it wouldn't be relaxing, more like A to B as fast as possible.
Sometimes the ringing spikes so loudly it makes my eyes unfocus. Absolutely insane.
I recall how hopeful I was maybe a year after this started. It's only worsened and hope for improvement is gone.
The reactivity is the worst part. Not being able to withstand traveling in cars, trains, and buses has left me totally stranded. Not living.
How are you doing friend?
Just got a new tone in my left ear. That makes three in each now.
Every SBUTT is a literal traumatic experience. I start to shake and my adrenaline shoots up. I panic. Two or three a day is actual torture.
One of the most unbearable parts of being disabled is the unfathomable weight of no longer being able to create. It's just pure hell.
I've noticed that things like brakes squealing are much more abrasive to me now. I must be getting hyperacusis, or I'm just more sensitive.
Took a 5 day vacation to NYC/Philly. Every day was just too much. It's all just too much.
I slept in silence last night but woke up with hissing, highly reactive ears. Why?
A strong feeling to no longer engage with the world. A resignation.
Self-help or motivational content no longer applies to you once you're disabled like this. Those things lose their importance. Just survive.
SBUTTs are like my brain reminding me: "This is my life. Not yours. Don't forget that. I can make this worse for you." -
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